Somewhere In Between
by Ashbear and Wayward
Summary: Squall & Rinoa – What would happen if the hero were to fail? What if there wasn't a happily ever after, just an 'ever after' A minute too late; a minute that would haunt him forever. Seven years she lay frozen in time and he stayed frozen in his heart.
1. Underneath the Desert Sky

**_Somewhere In Between_**

**_Chapter One: Underneath the Desert Sky_**

* * *

Why is it that perfect dreams are so few and far between? No matter how much we beg and plead for them in the solitude of sleep, they never return until after you forget them. They lie deep in wait underneath the nightmares and the weird apparitions until they decide to flood your senses with an overwhelming tide of serenity that you never want to leave. Those dreams where all the world is right, where time and sorrow do not exist, where everything makes sense. What provokes the mind to release these fragile glimpses of what could never be?

And why, oh why, are these dreams always interrupted without fail?

Quistis growled as the phone on the nightstand rang a third time, sending another piercing wail reverberating through the dark room. She reached over to the small table, blindly scouring for the lamp switch. She shut her eyes tightly as the light swept through the room, chasing the retreating darkness to shadowy corners. Squinting against the assault on her eyes, she grappled for the tolling menace, knocking it to the floor on its fifth ring. She leaned partially out of the bed and grabbed it making ready to give a serious tongue-lashing to the person on the other end if this was anything less than a DEFCON one emergency.

"What is it?" she snapped. At 3:00 a.m. formalities could be dropped.

"Who?"

Her tired eyes suddenly grew wide in shock.

"When?"

It was all her remaining strength could do to keep the telephone from sliding out of her fingers while the voice on the other end continued on.

"How? How did you...I thought...there was no way without..." Her voice trembled.

"Where?"

"I can't believe... I... What? Yes of course, I'm on my way."

The voice on the other end had long been silent when she finally let the phone drop from her ear. It hit the carpeted floor with a soft thump. The voice kept repeating in her head. _"We've done it."_ After so long, words she thought she would never hear. Her vision blurred as the tears began to burn her eyes. She had given up all hope.

_"We've done it."_

Like all those perfect dreams we long for, hope comes when you least expect it.

_"She's going to be alright."_

"Oh my God," She whispered as she put her head in her hands. "Oh my God."

* * *

_"I'm scared, Squall. I don't want to go back."_

Yet he took her, he gave her to them without so much as a word. Even while his heart was screaming, and something he had known for just a brief instance now lay dying inside him. He said nothing.

_"Sorceress Rinoa."_

_"Hyne's descendant."_

_"Come with us. We must seal your power for the sake of the world."_

There were only two of them; he could have disposed of them quickly. He would have taken on an army of a thousand for her. They could have been out of Esthar and out of their radars before they had any inclination on what had happened.

Maybe.

There was no guarantee they could get out. It might have had the exact same ending. It might have been worse.

_"No one can predict the future, there are no guarantees. Those were your words Rinoa."_

But he could have tried. Instead, he did nothing. It was that dying spirit inside him that rose above his silence and reached out to her in small, piteous voice.

_"Rinoa!__ Don't go!"_

She told him she had to. He could have argued, given her a million reasons why she shouldn't, reasons why she should stay...with him.

_"As long as I'm free, she'll continue to use me to accomplish her goals. I...We can't let that happen, right? ...I should go now."_

It was her choice, her decision. What right did he have to stop her? He was doing the right thing. These were her wishes and he was abiding by them. He wouldn't be selfish; this was what she wanted.

To be sealed off from the world forever?

_"She was scared about being a sorceress...Scared of being feared...hated...Scared that no one would want to be around her...She said she couldn't handle that."_

_"Why did you go all the way out into space to save Rinoa? To hand her over to Esthar? So that you might never see here again?"_ Quistis had asked with overwhelming disbelief.

_"No, right? Wasn't it because you wanted to be with Rinoa?"_

_"You're a fool."_

His friends had known him better than he had known himself. He had to be the biggest fool in existence. He had let love slip away from him without so much as a whimper. Would he risk the lives of millions just to be with one? Would he choose her over the sake of the world?

_"Hell yes,"_ his heart whispered.

_"Selphie, head for Esthar. She's probably at the Sorceress Memorial. We're going to go rescue Rinoa."_

And they flew faster than anything with wings, soaring across the sands of Esthar as the sun sank behind them. He would storm into the Sorceress Memorial, and he would play the hero. He would save her. He would save himself. Just like he had done thousands of miles above the earth.

He wouldn't be too late. Heroes were not supposed to be too late.

_"You want to see your comrade off...I'll make an exception. Go ahead."_

_"What are you doing here? This is a restricted area!"_

_"...To do what I should have done earlier. I'll never know unless I do it."_

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"I know what I want and what I have to do...There's still a chance. I'm not gonna to look back. I'm taking Rinoa with me."_

_"What? You must be joking. It's too late."_

He dismissed it without a second thought. It was never too late. His comrades entered with their weapons drawn giving him the chance he needed.

_"Go Squall!" _Zell shouted.

_"Go get her, Squall!" _Selphie cheered.

And he ran.

She stood in the middle of the containment facility, her hands clasped tightly around the rings that hung on her neck.

_"Rinoa, hold on! I'll get you out in a sec!"_ He yelled to her as if he knew exactly what he was doing.

She looked surprised to see him. She took one hand off of her chest and placed it against the confinement wall reaching toward him. He climbed the small steps and approached the glass, slamming on it repeatedly. The echo reverberated like an earthquake through the room of equipment. Yet it had no effect at all on the glass structure, only a pain in his hand that could not rival the one in his heart.

_"What am I supposed to do? Come on?"_

She stumbled and sank to her knees. Her fingers made liquid trails on the frosted glass. He was now face to face with her looking into her heavy eyes. She took a shallow breath that fogged the glass between them. She tried to speak, but the words failed as she was overcome with an unrelenting weariness.

_"Fight it Rinoa, stay with me!" _Squall shouted, as he looked frantically around for anything that might open the chamber and stop the sealing process. A long set of cables ran the length of the room and into the container. He withdrew his gunblade and raised it above his head to make a clean slice.

_"I wouldn't zat if I were you."_

He turned around.

_"She's coming with me. Now. So help me God if you come a step closer you'll be picking your intestines up off the floor."_ He pointed the gunblade at the dwarfish man for a moment before resuming work on the cables.

_"Zat is all fine and good. But I don't know how a dead sorceress vill do you much good."_

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"I am talking about those cables you are getting ready to cut. Those are the only things between her and hypothermic shock. Cut those and she vill be dead within seconds."_

_"Hypothermic shock?__ But Adel...she wasn't frozen."_

_"No she wasn't, but she was also sealed by the ze design twenty years ago. You've seen how vell that held her, even in zero gravity. Ze freezing process is a failsafe. It keeps stupid people from doing stupid things like unleashing hell upon ze earth. Which if you haven't noticed, is now parked on the outskirts of Esthar."_

He had a hold on the doctor before Odine had time to blink. His gloved hand wrapped tightly around his neck, lifting the shorter man to eye level and pinning him against the wall. "_Now you listen to me you sick demented son of a bitch, reverse this process and release her or I'll crush your windpipe right here and now."_

_"I don't know what killing me vill help either. I did create zis machine after all."_ Odine wheezed. _"There is now way to reverse the process you foolish boy. Did I not just say it was a failsafe? What kind of idiot would want to unseal a sorceress?"_

Squall howled in rage and slammed the doctor against the wall a second time, letting him drop to the floor. He aimed his gunblade at the crumbled man's head and cocked it menacingly. _"I'll kill you...I'll kill you!"_

_"Perhaps you shouldn't waste her last moments killing me. I vould say her body temperature iz now close to 82 degrees now. She vill be unconscious in a few moments. If you wish to say goodbye, now is ze time to do it."_ Odine looked up at the man and wiped the blood from his mouth. He managed a triumphant grin.

Squall turned away angrily. _"I don't care where you run to or what hole you weasel your way into. I will find you when this is over."_

_"It would be wise to keep me alive Mr. Leonhart, I am the creator of this invention after all. I'm the only one capable of inventing a way to reverse it."_

He wasn't listening anymore as he approached the glass in front of him. She was there in the position he had left her in. Her skin was ghostly pale and her breathing was painfully slow. Her eyes were cast to the floor. He tapped on the glass and she brought her gaze up slowly. She gave him a weak smile. The tears were burning his eyes as he put his hand against the glass. She followed suit, placing her hand against his.

_"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry,"_ he whispered.

She shook her head as if to dismiss it. _"This... is... for... th... best."_ She managed.

_"I'll find a way to get you out of here."_ He promised.

She blinked in acknowledgement. _"...I love...you,"_ she mouthed as she closed her eyes for the last time.

He put his head against the glass as he cried for the first time in twelve years. It was a bitter and deep sound that rose from his chest. It resounded from the walls and sank into the deepest shadows of the room. How could he be too late? How could fate be that cruel? He heard the gasps of his friends behind him as they entered. He could see their looks of horror even though he didn't turn around.

_"No….no!__ Please no!"_ He heard Selphie sob.

_"Damn it!"_ He heard something being slammed against the floor. Zell apparently found something to take his anger out on.

Squall took the blame; he wanted all of it. He had opened himself up to someone and his worst fears had come true. It was his curse. He was never meant to be a hero.

His eyes managed to look at her again. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful. Her hand was still against his, now frozen in its place. He traced the outline of her fingers with his own.

_"This is for the best."_

For who Rinoa, dear Hyne for who?

His eyes were distracted by a shimmering tear that had fell halfway down her face before it crystallized and became a permanent fixture on her features.

_"How..."_ the voice repeated in his head, _"How could you have been too late?"_

Squall screamed as he shot up from his position on the bed. He gasped for breath as the sheen of sweat on his body shimmered in the moonlight. He put a hand to his chest in a futile attempt to control the thundering of his heart. He relaxed a little more as he took in the familiar surroundings of the room. He rubbed his face with one hand as he felt a hand take his other and squeeze it softly.

He turned to the person beside him with the look of a frightened child. She rose up and put her arms around him reassuringly. Her fingers ran through the damp locks of his hair. She fell back onto her pillow and brought him down gently with her. He didn't resist, falling into her arms and holding her as if she was his only lifeline to reality. He rested his head against her shoulder as he emptily stared out the window. The cold winds howled and rattled the panes as the ice trailed tiny rivulets on the frozen glass.

She held him close and sang softly as she caressed his face with a gentle and loving hand. Taking on the ritual as if it were nothing new at all. And it wasn't. She had lived with his demons for the past three years.

* * *

****

****

**_Authors' Notes: _**

_Ashbear-_  
First of all, I want to thank Nicole for putting up with me, which in itself is not easy to do. The idea of doing a joint story with someone I respected so much was truly an honor. Our intention is to have a multi-chaptered story that deals with the simple issue... _What if the hero had failed? _How would their lives changed, how would he have continued? If love is meant to be, will it always find a way no matter the odds? This story came from hours of us sitting around my house on vacation working together. I only hope that you may find as much enjoyment in reading it, as we did planning the story. Thank you, for everything.

_Wayward Tempest_-  
Hey everyone! Kristine came to me with this story idea one day and I absolutely loved it. It sounded like something entirely new, something I had never read nor thought of. And then she asked me if I'd like to co-author it with her. I was thrilled and honored to be a part of it (still trying to cope with the idea of helping to write a story that runs longer than three chapters…but I am progressing in the "12 steps to writing multiple chapters" program baby steps. But its been so much fun, honestly, I'm not sure how she puts up with me. But thank you my friend for letting me be a part of this. We had a ball coming up with ideas for this story. Thanks to everyone for reading, hope you enjoy our venture!

**As per the usually disclaimer:  
**The characters, cities, and all things Final Fantasy VIII in general, belong to SquareSoft (Now Square Enix to update this!) The only things we sadly own are Elise Vandermere and Maude McCay, and really we don't want Maude that much... she scares us.


	2. Shadows of My Mind

**_Chapter Two: Shadows of My Mind_**

The hallway seemed to stretch on forever. No matter how quick her pace, her destination seemed to keep drawing into the horizon. Perhaps her mind willed it to. As anxious as a part of her was to reunite with a friend who had been given up for lost, she realized that she could very well shatter the fragile life in that hospital room with the information she possessed. Her mind couldn't begin to understand the feeling of missing all those years, of time being nonexistent. How were you ever supposed to cope with that? With life changing around you while you remain the same?

So much. So much had happened. Where in hell could she begin?

Quistis opened the doors to the private presidential wing. Measures had been taken to keep this as quiet as possible. Though time was certainly limited in that factor. A world that had begun to adapt to living without a sorceress would soon find one among them once more. She came back from her thoughts as she drew nearer. She would handle this the best way she could. And she would hope for the best. Laguna Loire stood a few feet ahead of her now. His body fashioned into his familiar pose with one hand nervously rubbing the back of his head while the other found solace in his pant's pocket. He gave her a smile that was both tense and relieved.

"You're a sight for tired old eyes Quistis Trepe," he said as he held his arms open to her.

She wrapped her arms around the older man and managed a laugh. "It hasn't been that long, Sir."

"Oh just humor me. And please drop the formalities; I hear enough of that from everyone else around here."

Quistis smiled as she released him. "You're looking well Laguna." 

"Oh see, now I know you're just being nice." He winked. She managed a glance to the thick oak door beside them. "How…how is she?"

"The doctors think she's doing fairly good considering," he replied. "She's been in and out of consciousness most of the night. Hasn't been fully alert as of yet. She's extremely weak of course, so they said it would be a while before she was one hundred percent again. They're giving her lots of fluids. All those damn wires and tubes going in and out of her, she looks like a switchboard." Laguna rubbed his eyes wearily.

"But...she's definitely going to make it, right?"

"Well, they say nothing's guaranteed but she's getting the best possible care here. Everyone seems to be really positive. So, I'd say it's hopeful Quistis, its hopeful."

"Thank God."

"Yeah, high time someone up there smiled on her," he replied.

"So you said you found the documents in Odine's laboratory?"

"Yeah, after I told you we had countless people go in and search the lab for anything we could find on the sealing process; hell I searched the place myself. Leave it to a cleaning crew to find a hidden room."

"Hidden room?"

"Yeah, about as long as this hallway," Laguna said as he pointed. "You wouldn't believe all the files. Had to be thousands in there. God that man was insane Quistis. Some of the experimental documents he had there...I swear it'd make the hair on the back of your neck stand up for a month. I'm just thankful we don't have to worry anymore about him carrying any of them out. Anyway, after a whole lot of sorting, we found the preliminary plans for the unsealing process about a week ago. They were very sketchy and hard to read. Took our team of scientists a while to make any sense of them. It was a risk to say the very least. That's why I hadn't told you...or anyone...until now. I didn't want to get any hopes up."

"Then...you haven't told Squall."

The president sighed. "I tried so many times...I'd pick up the phone, start to dial, and then hang it up again. I just...couldn't. He told me when he started the trust fund that if there was the slightest of chances to bring her out of this, to take it. So I did. He had given me permission. Squall seems so close to having a life now...so close to being happy. He's come so far...I didn't want to bring the walls falling down on top of him again. Especially now...when...well, I'm sure you've heard."

"Yeah he told me."

"Lucky you, I had to find out through a chain of sources. Guess we still aren't on the best of speaking terms."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm just thankful he does speak to me a little on occasion. There isn't a thing he does to me that I don't deserve."

"Laguna, don't beat yourself up."

"Like father like son. Now you know of something he got honest," he managed a smile. "Hey, I won't give up. Hell, maybe if I'm lucky enough, I might get an invitation."

"You will." Quistis said. "I'm sure of it."

"Hope so."

"Have you been in to see her yet?"

"Yeah, but she wasn't awake. Probably a good thing, she doesn't know me anyway. I'm sure she'd like the first face she sees to be a friendly one. Dear Hyne but she is the spitting image of Julia," Laguna said with a grin. "I could almost feel those old leg cramps coming back."

Quistis chuckled.

"Well I won't keep you any longer with my old man ramblings Headmaster Trepe. You go be that friendly face in there. I've got some things to take care of for our new sorceress. Namely making sure that the rest of the world will regard her as still frozen."

"Thank you for everything Laguna."

He nodded and stared at the ground for a moment in thought. "I just hope everything works out..." He shook his head as if to clear it and then turned to leave. "I'll talk to you again tomorrow. In the meantime, if you need anything at all just let me know. I didn't know how long you were planning on staying, but there's a room waiting for you at the palace if you want it."

"Oh! Er...yes. Thank you again. Tell you the truth I spent all my hectic moments getting things squared away at Balamb that I didn't even consider finding a place to stay here."

"Not to worry," he said with a backward wave. "We'll leave the light on for you."

Quistis watched him leave before taking a breath and turning the steel handle on the door. The sweat of her hand caused it to slide off of the hilt. She didn't know why she was so nervous. She wouldn't have to deliver all the earth shattering news all at once. She'd bide the time as long as she could. Right now, she would just be a friendly face. More importantly...a friend.

The door pushed open as she entered the sterile white room. Save for the colors of the wires and monitors there was hardly any other color but white in the room. The girl on the bed was so pale that she almost blended into the sheets completely. Her dark hair helped to outline the features of her face.

Quistis approached the bedside, stepping over equipment and cables. She pulled the chair out of the corner of the room and sat down next to the bedside. It was hard to keep the tears coming. After so long, she was really there...back with them among the world. A world that had changed dramatically, while if it weren't for the loss of color, Quistis thought Rinoa looked just as she remembered her.

She reached out and brushed a strand of hair away from the girl's face. Her skin felt cool to the touch. Her thoughts were startled as Rinoa stirred a little. She took the sorceress's hand in both of her own, gently caressing the tops of her fingers.

"Rinoa...can you hear me?"

Her eyes fluttered open slowly and focused hazily on the ceiling. She heard her name again. She couldn't decipher the voice...her mind was too busy trying to figure out where she was. It was white...all white...frozen. So cold. She felt the ice around her, spreading through her body. She tried to scream...there was no sound.

Quistis panicked as Rinoa began gasping for breath and shuddering violently. She looked over to see the EKG monitor racing. She was unwittingly putting far too much stress on an undoubtedly weak heart. Quistis grabbed the sides of the young woman's face, bringing her eyes to her own.

"Rinoa it's okay, you're safe now! Just calm down...everything is fine. You've just got to breathe sweetie. Relax."

Her brown eyes darted wildly back and forth.

"It's alright, just focus, I'm right here...follow the sound of my voice."

The voice again. It echoed in her head like a roaring cannon. She searched for it desperately wanting nothing more than freedom from this empty solitude. The blur faded a little more and she was able to make out a pair of frightened blue eyes. They seemed very familiar.

"That's it. Good. Just take it easy."

Rinoa closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She wanted this to be real. She opened her eyes again. As the face took shape, she tried to smile.

"Hey there you are," Quistis said with some relief, taking her by the hand. "Welcome back stranger."

She tried to speak but the words wouldn't come. She struggled inwardly for a moment before giving out in exhaustion.

"No don't try to talk right now. It'll come. Just rest, I'll be right here."

The dark haired woman blinked slowly, and Quistis felt a slight pressure on her hand. Relief flooded Rinoa's senses and she gave in to the dark once more as two solemn tears fell from the corners of her eyes.

After a few moments, her breathing slowed and returned to the rhythmic pattern of sleep. Quistis sighed and allowed herself to relax as well. The door to the room creaked open as one of the doctors stepped in. Concern written on his features as he looked towards the sleeping girl.

"I think she's alright now," Quistis said in a quiet voice as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "She just got scared."

The doctor smiled at the young woman and nodded. Then he silently checked the machines and IV bags and paused as he recorded something on Rinoa's chart. He was an elderly man with white receding hair and a trimmed moustache to match. He had one of those loveable, round "grandpa" faces Quistis observed, and she immediately felt a sense of security. It was then that she realized the truth in Laguna's words. Rinoa was getting the best care possible...by people that actually _cared_. No deranged doctors treating her like some lab rat that they could poke and prod in the name of science.

To think that Odine had intentionally kept the poor girl captive all these years made her physically ill. Yet it was not at all surprising. That man was a cunning and sick bastard. It was the only reason Laguna didn't throw him out beyond the walls of Esthar, because he knew the doctor would have been an extremely dangerous asset in the wrong hands. And the world was full of wrong hands. He possessed an incredible amount of knowledge of the world, as well as his inventions. And that alone was the only thing that kept Squall Leonhart from killing him. But that didn't stop him from wishing death upon the man.

His wish had been granted six months ago when Odine was diagnosed with a ravenous form of pancreatic cancer. It consumed him so quickly that he spent the last four months of his life lying in a hospital bed. Telling them the truth about the unsealing process was not in his dying thoughts however. Somehow, again, it was no surprise.

Quistis bitterly hoped he endured at least a fraction of the suffering he had put so many through. She had no idea how Rinoa was going to make it through the rest of her life. She wondered if she would ever be able to sleep again with the fear of not waking up. And then there was the torment of the endless nightmares.

_How could you live with nightmares like that?_

Quistis realized she must have said her last thought allowed because the doctor answered her with a sorrowful voice. "Between me and you young lady, I wouldn't want her nightmares for all the gil in the world."

She shuddered at the thought. _"Neither would I."_

* * *

The sun scaled the mountains of Trabia as it strove to once again bring warmth to the unwavering frozen land. He stared at the sunrise through the large pane windows. His eyes seemed to meet the same dawn every morning. It never seemed different. It was cold, it was bleached, and it was endlessly boring. Somehow, he felt right at home. As much as he had tried, there was very little color in his life. No matter how many people he had around him, he still felt as solitary as the winds rushing the ice-capped peaks of the mountains.

He took a sip from the mug in his hand and winced. He quickly spat the hot contents back into the cup. Once again, today's coffee was strong enough to walk on its own. That was Janice for you. He decided that he would tell his secretary that he would start making the damn coffee himself.

The intercom on his desk buzzed and flashed briefly before a voice came through the speaker. _"Mr. Leonhart, sir?" _Speak of the caffeine devil.

He returned to his chair and pressed the button. "What is it Janice?"

_"Dr. Vandermere is here to see you."_

"Send her in."

_"Yes sir."_

"And Janice?"

_"Sir?"_

"The coffee in my cup should be a liquid, not a solid."

_"Oh shoot...um...sorry sir,"_ came the sheepish reply.

"Yes I know," he sighed. "I know."

_"I'll make some more for you."_

"That's okay, don't bother."

The door slide open as a woman in a white lab coat stepped in. Her dark hair was pulled back neatly with a hair clip. She looked around the office and then over to him with eyes that sparkled like cerulean diamonds.

"Good morning Headmaster."

Squall leaned back in his chair. "Not really."

She continued as if she didn't hear him. "Here are the physicals for next semester's beginning students." The doctor placed a thick manila folder onto his desk. "I took the liberty of alphabetizing them by last name for you. The medical staff has carefully examined all of them and none have been finalized without my signature. From my personal opinion, these volunteers are in excellent health and should be fine assets to Trabia Garden. They only await your approval sir."

Squall rubbed his eyes wearily before giving the young woman a look. "Cut the crap Elise."

"Cut the crap?" Her expression went from professional to a playful smile in an instant. "My but you're in a wonderful mood this morning," she replied coolly. "Someone needs to stop putting so much sugar in their cereal."

"I can't function this early without caffeine," he scowled. "All I ask for is a decent cup of coffee; I don't think that's too much of a demand on her secretarial abilities. But no, instead, I get a decent cup of motor oil. I think I should transfer her to the garage."

Elise stuck her lip out and frowned. "Oh you poor baby."

"I know, it's tragic. Now will you please sit down, you're making me nervous."

"As you wish oh decaffeinated one." She pulled up a seat, then turned and instead made a seat for herself on his desk.

"Better?" She leaned over to him seductively.

He came forward in his chair until his lips were but a breath away from her own. The only change in his expression was a slightly raised eyebrow. "Just don't break my stapler," he whispered.

"Oh you are so bad!" she chuckled.

The corners of his mouth lifted into a small smile. "Damn right. Now will you tell me what you're doing here? You could have had one of your assistants bring those files up here. And anyway, you know I don't need these until next week."

"You mean you don't buy that I just wanted to see my charming yet extremely grumpy fiancée this morning in the hopes for a quickie on the desk?" Elise batted her eyelashes at him sweetly.

She received a roll of his eyes as a response.

"Okay, okay, you're right as _usual_."

"Naturally."

"Squall…now you know I've been really patient about this." With those words, she watched as the defense shields went up immediately. He shifted back into his seat and looked away from her.

"So am I to take that as a _'no I haven't Elise'_?"

"I haven't had a chance to."

Elise sighed. "Squall Leonhart that is complete bullshit and you know it!"

"Can't we talk about this later? When I'm not in the process of running an entire military facility?" Squall said as the irritation rose rapidly in his voice.

"No we can not," she replied with equally growing animosity. "Because then I get the_ 'I'm too tired' _excuse. Frankly, this is getting old. I want to talk about it right now. Tell me why you haven't called him. Why haven't you told your own father about this?" She finished her questioning by waving the engagement ring on her hand in front of his face.

"Will you please stop calling him that?" He groaned.

"Damn it, will you quit denying him? You're being so childish!" She shot back. "He has done nothing but try to reach out to you. The least you could do is attempt to make him a part of your life."

"Well that's a little hard Elise, considering he was never very interested in being a part of mine until I was legally an adult."

She threw her hands up in the air. "Oh cut this stubborn bleeding heart shit Squall! You know, sometimes I think there is more to this than you're telling me." She slid off of his desk. "Hyne, we've all done stupid things in our lives. Things we wish we could take back."

Elise realized the mistake of her words as he bit his lower lip and looked down at the desk. "I know he wishes back those years with all his heart Squall," her toned softened. "Please...this will be important for him. It's important to me. And it should be important to you."

"Fine," he said in defeat. "I'll call him."

"When?"

"Soon," he growled. She was trying his patience to the limits.

"Define _soon_."

He sighed exasperated. "Now...I'll do it now, is that soon enough to make you happy?"

"Now is good," she replied.

He picked up the phone and began to dial. Elise reached into her coat pocket as the buzzer on her pager went off. She stared at the screen and exhaled sharply.

"I've got to go," she said as she came around to his side of the desk. "I'll talk to you tonight. You can do this, I know you can." She leaned down and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I love you."

"Whatever."

She laughed as she made her way to the door. "I love it when you talk all romantic like that." She stopped just short of the exit and turned around. The door swished open in waiting. "Squall?"

"What?" He said annoyed. "I'm on hold."

"Don't you hang up that phone after I walk out of this room _dear_," she sing-songed.

"I won't, now get the hell out of my office _dear_," he sing-songed back.

She smirked and gave him the finger. He clutched at his chest with his free hand and leaned back in the chair as if he had been shot. She laughed and blew on the end of her middle finger as if it were a smoking gun barrel.

Squall watched her retreating figure until the door closed behind her with a resounding swish. He waited a few moments before letting the phone drop from his hand back on to the receiver. He rested his elbows on the hard wooden surface and buried his face into his hands. She had no idea about the significance of this act. No idea at all. It wasn't just his animosity towards his estranged father. To him this simple phone call was like taking a wrecking ball and throwing it at the last shred of hope that existed in his heart. She didn't understand. Telling Laguna Loire about his engagement finalized everything. The _everything_ that had held him for the last seven years.

Rinoa.

_You can't wait forever on a miracle. You have to live._

Yet he felt like he was giving up on her. Like he was putting the final shovel of dirt onto her grave. It burned like an acid being poured deep within his chest. How selfish of him was it to just move on?

_"She would want you to move on. She'd want you to be happy Squall."_

Would she?

_"Squall...You missed out on all the good things in life. You've missed out on so much."_

Yes, he was sure she would have wanted it. That was just the way she was. Stubborn and resolved, with a heart big enough to see through the façade and open its doors even to the likes of Squall Leonhart. Something done by only a few.

Elise.

This was important to her. She had never asked or expected a lot from him. She had helped him. She had been there for him. He owed this to her. If he could do this one thing for her, it would make her happy. Squall wanted her to be happy. He cared for her a great deal.

And he loved her.

Didn't he?

With a heavy sigh, he picked up the phone once more and began to dial.


	3. Promise of Yesterday

**_Chapter Three: Promise of Yesterday_**

Quistis was roused from a fitful sleep by the drumming of rain against the window. She rose slowly from her slumped position and cringed as she tried to relieve the crick in her neck. Her eyes moved across the room to Rinoa, who seemed to be sleeping peacefully. She was thankful to see that the girl had made it through the first night. That didn't account for the nights to come. But it offered hope, and she took it for all it was worth. It was all Rinoa had at this point.

She stretched as she stood, pulling the sleep from the rest of her body. Quistis turned around and looked out of the window behind her. The rain beat against the window like an angry lover. Rain was scarce to the plains of Esthar, but when it came, it came with the force of a typhoon. It came so quickly the ground could not absorb all the water at once. The runoff would spread across the red sands and give the landscape a ghastly appearance of an unending lake of blood. She shuddered at the sight beyond the city. A slight rap on the door jostled her from her thoughts as she turned around.

"Who is it?"

"Just me…Laguna."

"Come in."

Laguna stepped through the door shaking the water from his clothes. "Honestly," Quistis said as she smiled. "I think you are of that stature where one does not need to knock upon entering a room."

"Now what kind of a gentleman would I be then? Er…not that the name fits any of my description…but well I've learned from the past that you gotta knock before entering rooms occupied by the opposite sex, or you run the risk of being knocked out."

Quistis chuckled. "Well if it were any other room I would have to agree with your well learned logic."

"Nope, there are no exceptions whatsoever." Laguna smiled. "Raine set me straight on a whole lot of 'the rules'."

"Looks like she was quite the influence."

"More than you know," he laughed. "More than you know." He scratched the back of his head, his mind drifting to the memories of the past. When he returned from his thoughts, he decided to change the subject before he became lost in them.

"I talked to the doctors this morning. They said she is doing well and actually better than expected. She has improved dramatically since yesterday. Granted none of them have dealt with frozen sorceresses so no one knows what to expect. But I definitely think this is something positive."

"Absolutely." Quistis smiled. "I hope she will be able to get on with her life as soon as possible. She's missed enough of it already."

"Yeah me too, I just wonder if that time will be before--"

A loud and urgent ringing echoed in the small room. Laguna reached for the cell phone on his belt with a sigh. "Why does duty always call at this hour?" He grumbled.

He glanced at the glowing numbers on the screen before putting the receiver to his ear.

"Yes?"

"Who?"

Quistis was taken aback by the sudden fear rising in his eyes.

"Did he say what this was regarding?"

"Well didn't you ask him? Well…yes I realize that…that's true…no, I wasn't yelling! Okay, okay, I'm sorry. It's just this is not a good time. No, no I'll take his call; just give me a minute to get to a more suitable location before you put him through." He turned the phone off and looked nervously at Quistis.

"What's wrong?"

"Um…it's Squall…he wants to speak with me."

"Squall…" The voice was soft and barely audible, yet loud enough to catch the attention of the other two sets of ears in the room.

"Oh dear Hyne…" Quistis said as she brought a hand to her mouth. They both turned to Rinoa who had not moved, her eyes remained closed. Minutes passed before Quistis and Laguna were able to breathe.

"Guess…guess her recovery may take less time than they thought," Laguna said softly. His phone began ringing impatiently. "I'll go see what this is about, I'll be right outside."

"Alright." Quistis replied.

Laguna took one last look at the still form lying in the bed before walking swiftly out into the hallway. Once he made a safe distance from the room he pushed the receive button on the phone.

"Sorry sir," his secretary said. "Mr. Leonhart is insisting on speaking with you immediately. He doesn't seem to be very happy."

Laguna swallowed hard. "Go ahead and put him through." He tried to remain calm. He told himself to relax, there was no way Squall could possibly know this soon; he had taken every possible measure.

"Laguna?"

"Hey son…er Squall…been awhile."

"Yeah. I would've waited, but this is important."

"Sure no problem I understand," the president fought to keep his voice from wavering while his heart was doing hurdles in his chest. "Important things can't wait."

"Uh…yeah. Anyway, if I don't say this now, I don't think I'll be able too. You know Elise Vandermere the resident doctor at Trabia, I believe you've met her a couple of times."

"Yes of course."

"Well we're…we're engaged."

Try as he might, Laguna couldn't keep the relief at bay, and it slipped out of his lips before he could catch it.

"Is that it?" Oh, that was brilliant Loire, way to bond with your son. He smacked his forehead repeatedly with his free hand.

"What do you mean is that it? I thought this might be of little significance to you. I mean it's a pretty damn big deal to me!"

"No…Squall, that's not…"

"I thought you might be interested in this life changing decision for me, because it sure as hell hasn't been easy. You're always telling me how much you want to be a part of my life." Squall's voice continued to rise in anger. "How we should try harder at this so-called father-son relationship. Well if "that's it" is all I get for trying then to hell with it! To hell with you!"

"No Squall listen to me. That is not what I meant." Something inside him wanted to tell him right then about Rinoa. "Look, it's been a really long night and I haven't had any sleep, it's having an affect on me. I apologize with all my being. I'm so happy to hear you're getting married son. You don't know how proud of you I am. You don't know how much I admire your strength, your courage…everything I lack. You don't know how much I want to be there for you, how much I wish that I was before. There…there's something I need to tell you."

"Mr. President sir, Mr. Leonhart is no longer on the line." His secretary interrupted.

"I know," he said as he wiped at the stray tear running down his cheek. "I know."

* * *

Squall angrily slammed his fist against the desk. He took another look at the telephone and with one swipe of his arm; he knocked it to the floor. Why would he say something like that? "Is that it?" He thought he might have received some encouragement in this. He felt the need for some outside encouragement to get him through this. Someone to tell him that yes, this is the right thing to do. Squall didn't know if he would ever be ready to give up on her. He couldn't depend on himself to know the answers anymore.

"If you would have waited hothead, you might have gotten them." He argued with himself. He could have given Laguna a chance to say something, perhaps there was something behind his answer. Something he was going to add. "Something you'll never know, will you?" No, all the tension all the pain he was holding for this one phone call exploded into something hurtful that Laguna did nothing to earn. Not that time. As angry as the young man was, deep in his heart he knew he hadn't meant those last words that came from his lips before he slammed the phone brutally against the receiver.

He would have to do something about this, but not now. He couldn't form the words of an apology if his life depended on it at that moment. Squall reached into the side table drawer and pulled out a small white bottle. He twisted the cap and turned the bottle up allowing a few pills to fall into his mouth. He chewed the bitter aspirin hoping that maybe they could ease the pain he felt. Yet knowing in reality they could not.

"Sir, are you alright? I thought I heard a loud crash." The intercom buzzed.

"Great…" he thought to himself, "I could have been assassinated and had my body disposed of in the Island Closest To Hell by the time she gets around to asking gee, what was that noise?"

"I'm fine Janice, just doing some spring cleaning."

"Oh, yeah I did that last week; you wouldn't believe all the junk that was in my desk, it was terrible! I couldn't believe it! You'll never guess…"

"Janice is there anything else? I really don't have time for the chitchat…exhilarating as it is."

"Oh sorry sir…um…oh yes, Elise called a few minutes ago. Wanted you to call her back when you had a chance."

"Alright. Now go do something busy, type something, file something, I don't care. I need some time alone, if I need anything I'll call you."

"Yes…yes sir."

Squall rested his head against the back of the chair and closed his eyes. Elise was the last person he needed to talk to at this moment. Yet he felt compelled to reach out to someone, something that was very un-Squall like. But it couldn't be just anyone. He picked the telephone off the floor and dialed up someone who might understand or at the very least, listen to him.

"Balamb Garden Military Facility, SeeD Commander Xu speaking."

"Hey Xu, what's the sun feel like these days?"

"Squall! How the heck are you? Seems like its been ages! How are things at Trabia?"

"Cold, white, and cold."

"Can't say I envy you there!" She laughed. "Quistis told me about your engagement. Congratulations! Don't worry…I didn't spread it around or anything…er…well I did tell a few people."

"Thanks Xu. Listen, is Quistis around? I'd like to speak with her."

"Oh, no she's not here Squall, I'm sorry. She left really early this morning, around 0300 hours. Said she had urgent business to attend to."

"Urgent business?"

"Yeah, she didn't give me any details on what it was about, just said it was personal, left me in command while she was gone."

"That's odd; she didn't say anything to me about taking leave. It's standard protocol to inform the other headmasters when one of us leaves the Gardens. "

"Yeah I know. Must have slipped her mind. I'm sure you'll be hearing from her though Squall. Tell you the truth she wasn't quite herself this morning. I don't have the slightest on what's up. She didn't even tell me when she'd be back."

"Hmm…well, if she gets back any time soon, tell her I called would you?"

"Of course. It was good hearing from you Squall, don't be a stranger so long!"

"I'll try not to."

"You'd better. And you know, I want one of those wedding invitations in my mailbox bucko!"

"Don't worry, you'll get one." Squall chuckled.

An odd sense of unease rose from the pit of his stomach as he hung up the phone. People seemed to be acting stranger and stranger today. First Laguna, then Quistis, one of the most thorough people he knew beside himself, being spontaneous like this. She didn't even confide in Xu, who was usually aware of every last detail of the happenings of Balamb Garden. Something didn't feel right. And even as the day wore on and he tried desperately to consume himself in work, Squall Leonhart couldn't shake that strange feeling from his mind.

* * *

She felt as if she was seeing and hearing the world from the inside of a barrel. The view was black and the voices were muddled. She tried to raise her hands out in front of her. They felt restricted. The only reaction she received was the twitch of a couple of fingers. "What's wrong with me?" Everything seemed to be in slow motion. Her body would not obey any of her commands. "This is so frustrating…why can't I move?"

Rinoa strained to hear the voices around her, searching desperately for someone she recognized. It was all garbled and distorted. It was as if the human voice had become alien to her. It felt like eons had passed since she had last heard someone speak. One voice she recognized to be female…and familiar. The other, deeper male's voice. Word by word they seemed to become more clear.

"I really messed up…again."

"It's alright, you did as well as you could. Better than I would have been I'm sure; I'd have been petrified. I'm sure he didn't mean what he said, he has a problem of not thinking before he says something."

"I don't know if he'll ever speak to me again after this."

"Oh he will, just give him a while to cool off."

"No…I mean after all this. I almost told him…I swear I would have if he hadn't hung up. But I was thinking before I came back in here. This…this should be her decision to make. We can't just force him on her like this. It has to be her choice, hers alone. This is her life. What do you think would happen if I had told him?"

"He'd be on the first flight down here."

"Exactly."

"You're right. I think this is the best thing we can do…for everyone involved."

"I hope so, I really do. I'm going to head back to the palace for a while. If anything comes up or if you need anything, don't hesitate to call."

"I will. Thank you. And don't worry Laguna; I'm sure he'll come around."

"We'll see Quistis, we'll see. I'll stop by later, take care of yourself."

She heard the sound of a door pulling shut. The room was silent again…she was alone again. Her eyes opened to the blur of the white ceiling. There was no sound save for the hum of the medical equipment. She had heard a familiar name; she tried to force it out of the depths of her throat.

"Quis…Quistis?"

She tried to move her head to look around her surroundings. It was like it was glued into place. A figure stepped into her view. She blinked to rid the blur from her eyes. The figure looked older than she remembered. The features of her face were more etched and defined. Her hair was shorter. She looked exceedingly tired. But there was no denying who it was.

"Quistis."

"Hey there, sleepyhead." Quistis smiled widely. "Long time no see."

"Hey…long time." Rinoa whispered.

"How are you feeling Rin? Are you in any pain?"

"No pain…numb. Can't move."

"Don't worry, that'll come back in time." Quistis said as she pulled the chair up to the young woman's bedside.

"Did we…did we win?" Rinoa winced. Talking felt like someone taking two pieces of sandpaper and rubbing them against the back of her throat.

"We sure did. We fought Ultimecia and we won. Time Compression was stopped."

"Thank Hyne." She sighed with relief. Then the other nagging question entered her mind.

"Did everyone make it out okay?"

"Yeah, everyone is just fine. We've all just been worried about you."

"How…how's Squall?"

Quistis blanched…she couldn't tell her, not now. "Squall is doing good, as good as Squall can I guess. Still says "whatever" on a daily basis."

Rinoa laughed quietly her face then changed to one of sorrow. She closed her eyes to fight the tears threatening to fall. "I missed you all so much."

Quistis took her by the hand and squeezed it reassuringly. "We've all missed you too Rinoa. Terribly."

There were so many questions, she couldn't think straight. "How long has it been?"

Quistis took a deep breath. "It's been a little while."

Rinoa laughed again. "Funny, you look much older than a little while."

The blonde woman smiled. This was something she definitely wouldn't be able to hide from her. She took another breath and tried again. "Seven years. It's been seven years."

"Oh, wow."

Not the answer she was expecting, but what she was expecting was far worse, so the headmaster took this as a good sign. She stayed quiet, allowing Rinoa to absorb this new information. It was a few minutes until the young sorceress spoke again.

"Is he here?"

"Who?"

"Squall."

Quistis turned her eyes away. This was what she had been dreading more than the former question. She searched her mind for something to tell her, some answer that would suffice for the time being.

"He, um…he's not here at the moment. He's in Trabia right now, but he'll…be here. You know, not a day goes by that he doesn't think of you. Not one." She turned her gaze back to Rinoa. "And I'm sure he will be on his way just as soon as he…"

Rinoa's eyes were now closed, her breathing now slow and steady. She had fallen asleep. A mixture of relief and uncertainty washed over Quistis and she sighed as she finished her statement quietly.

"Just as soon as he finds out."


	4. Time's Scar

**_Chapter Four: Time's Scar_**

The bothersome alarm clock on the nightstand tolled the hour of dawn. It greeted the new day as it greeted all the yesterdays before it with a high-pitched irritating pulse. It was then again rewarded for its efforts with a hard smack to the head. This ritual shorted most life spans of the alarm clocks that dwelled in the bedroom of Squall Leonhart.

The ceiling was still white. Squall sighed as he realized he'd been staring at the same ceiling for six hours now. He hadn't slept at all, his mind reeling with the events of the past, the events of the future. His mind was working overtime…yet again. The young man put his hands behind his head when Elise stirred slightly beside him. He had discovered her ability to sleep through most anything the hard way. The alarm clock used to be on her side of the bed.

She rolled over and snuggled closer to him, her hand reaching over and falling onto his chest. He put an arm around her reflexively, even as his thoughts had taken him miles away. A shimmering light brought him back to the earth for an instant as his eyes caught sight of the engagement ring that rested on his chest. He remembered when he had first seen it on his way back from Galbadia Garden…when he had stopped in Timber…Squall tried to shake the memory from his mind but it continued to plague him, playing like an old black and white movie in his mind.

He hadn't really meant to go to Timber. There were alternate roads…but he was already on the outskirts of the small town before he realized where he was. Perhaps something had lead him here; maybe he was destined to confront old memories here. Or maybe he just couldn't let go. Whatever the reason, he parked the vehicle on the side of the road and began walking down the cobbled street. It had been in the window of the first store that caught his eye. It just had to be a jewelry store didn't it? Sure, the thought had crossed his mind and Elise had dropped him subtle hints now and again. But he had never gone far enough into the decision to buy a ring. It was a hurdle he couldn't seem to get over. Yet now, it was something that suddenly seemed very reachable as he stared through the glass at the shining diamond.

If he could do this, here of all places, then he could prove something to himself. That he was ready to move on, ready to leave the past behind him and start a future for himself. It was what his friends had been telling him to do for years now. Maybe it was time. She had been waiting for him to make a move, he could tell. He could do this for her, he owed her that much. Another thought crossed his mind that sent a chill up his spine. If he didn't do this, if he didn't move forward with their relationship, she would grow tired and she would leave him. He didn't know if he could take losing someone all over again. With a newfound steel resolve, he entered the store and showed the jeweler which ring he wanted. He guessed the size as best he could; he assumed that he'd be forgiven if he chose incorrectly.

"This isn't as hard as I thought it'd be," he said to himself. It seemed to get easier by the minute. He actually was beginning to feel excited about giving this to her, to see the expression on her face. Sure, she had been dropping the hints, but it was something that she wouldn't be expecting him to go through. His lips managed a small smile at the thought of seeing her in a state of complete shock. And happy. Yes, he was ready to spend the rest of his life making her happy.

He handed his cash card to the clerk as he heard a familiar sound. He turned to look out the window. A train was pulling out of the station. He closed his eyes. No, it was nothing to be worked up about; he'd been on plenty of trains…without her. One of the other customers in the store suddenly looked down at a ticket and then looked up in horror.

"Oh Shit!" He exclaimed. "That's my train!" He flew out of the store in a diehard run screaming at the moving engine while waving his ticket frantically.

"Wait! Stop the train! Don't leave yet! Wait for me!"

Suddenly the man was replaced with another in his mind as Squall watched the man's retreating figure.

_"WaaaaaaTTTS! C'MON! The Galbadian soldiers are comin'!" _Zone had yelled from the back of the train as it began move.

_"Hey...!" "Don't leave me, sirrrr!"_ Watts ran down the tracks in a desperate attempt to catch the locomotive.

He had looked over at her then; she was doubled over with laughter. It was a beautiful and melodic sound that echoed in his mind. And that smile, that smile that held him from the beginning. The smile that was still there in the end…

"Sir? You okay?"

He turned back to the store clerk. "Yeah…yeah I'm fine."

"Took a little trip did you son?" The man chuckled as he handed the card back to him with a small piece of paper. "Just need your signature here and you can hurry home to that woman you're thinking about."

"Okay," he replied as he began signing the receipt.

"So what's her name kid? Must be a someone really special for that ring eh?"

"Yeah," he replied. "Yeah her name is Rin—…" He stopped himself before he could finish. A surge of cold ran through him as he tried to shake himself from what he had just done. "Elise," he corrected in a smaller, more uncertain voice. "Her name is Elise."

"Whoa pal!" The clerk laughed again. "Better be sure to get her name right when you propose! They're not too fond of the name slip-ups."

"I'll keep that in mind," Squall replied as he took the small box from the man and turned to leave. If he didn't have the expression of a criminal on his face as he exited the jewelry store, he would have run as hard as he could.

Squall rubbed his eyes wearily with his free hand. He didn't need to be reminded of that memory today. Why was it so hard to let her go? "I barely knew her…" he told himself. He had known Elise much longer…and yet…it still wasn't the same. One reason he knew…was the guilt. The guilt had consumed him completely. For a long time afterward, it was all he could do to function. It took all he had just to breathe. Had it not been for his friends, or Elise, he would have never been able to pull himself out of it. They had helped him find something to live for again. He would never forget the sacrifices they made for him, ever. Now it was just a day-to-day thing for him. Some were far better than others were. This one was starting to seem like one of the latter.

He had made a decision…he was going to get up.

Carefully, he slid out of Elise's grasp so not to wake her. He winced as his feet met the cold bite of the stone tile on the floor. This was certainly one thing he was going to see changed while he was headmaster here. Having tile floors in a place with subzero temperatures was absolutely ridiculous. Squall thought that maybe a shower would help him feel better as he made giant steps towards the bathroom on his heels.

Squall closed his eyes and allowed the hot water to beat against his back. He tried to clear his mind of everything; he tried not to think. He stood in that position and tried until the water temperature became lukewarm. Elise was going to kill him. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist before sliding the shower door open and stepping out. One foot had made it out onto the rug before he froze in horror.

The steam from the heat had fogged up the large mirror in front of him completely save for the streaks that ran vertically down the middle. He tried to blink it away, certain it was only his imagination again. Yet when he reopened his eyes, they were still there. He stepped towards the mirror cautiously reaching towards the mirror to the five slender streaks of water that looked unmistakably like…fingers.

"Hyne, I'm losing my mind." The young man said quietly to himself. He stepped out of the bathroom and looked towards the bed. Elise hadn't moved. Quickly he threw on a t-shirt and a pair of boxers before he stumbled to the kitchen. He reached into the cabinet and grabbed a bottle of pills along with a half-empty bottle of vodka. He put one of the pills in his hand and fumbled with the cap on the liquor bottle. Squall popped the pill into his mouth and turned the bottle up to wash it down. He knew he wasn't supposed to be doing this, but he had to do something before he completely lost it. He _needed _this right now. He wouldn't lose control of it this time. It was just one drink. Yet he could just hear Elise now in his mind, giving another one of her lectures.

"What have I told you about mixing alcohol and antidepressants Squall?" Came a voice from behind him.

Oh great.

He sat the bottle down and slid it slowly to the middle of the table. "Uh…don't do it?"

"That's right," Elise said angrily as she came around the table and sat in the chair beside of him. "So why am I catching you in the act hmm? Which is definitely a surprise seeing how by this time you're up and off to…Squall? What's wrong? God you're shaking, are you alright?"

"Fine. I'm fine."

"You're not fine!" Elise said somewhat taken aback by his appearance. He looked as if he hadn't slept in days. His skin was pale, his eyes were dark circled and bloodshot. But the most striking thing was the absolute terror she could see in them.

"What happened?"

"Nothing…just didn't sleep."

"Did you have another dream?"

"No."

"Squall don't shut me out like this again, tell me what's going on. I want to help," she pleaded.

_"You can't."_

"I'll be fine, I just need to get ready and head to the office."

She pulled him back down into his seat. "No, you aren't going anywhere like this. Now sit down!"

"Look, there wasn't anything in the refrigerator…I just needed something so I could swallow my medication, it was the closest thing handy. See? I'm done with it," Squall said as he pushed the bottle over to her. "Take it."

Elise sat the bottle aside. "Look at me Squall," she said firmly. He shifted in his seat and turned away. "Damn it, look at me!" He gazed up at her slowly, the shame and guilt filling his eyes to the point of overflowing.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

_For everything._

She slid her chair over and took him into her arms. "It's okay," she said as she gently caressed his back. "We all slip up. It's what we get for being human. I just didn't know you were hurting this bad. You have this unrelenting wall of defenses that I can't see past. I can't read your mind. Then again, maybe I want things to be normal so badly that it clouds my eyes, and I can't see it. Just please Squall, please come to me before you go to that thing," she said as she nodded towards the vodka bottle.

"Alright," he said as he hung limply in her arms. He wanted it to be normal again too, but it had been so long…he had forgotten what normal was. Truth be told, he never thought he knew it at all.

"You want to tell me what's bothering you?"

"Just…a lot on my mind lately," he said slowly. "Yesterday really bothered me…the way Laguna acted."

"I know…I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kept pushing you."

"No, it's alright, you were right; I had to tell him…better to find out now than later how he feels about me. Then again, I thought I already knew. This shouldn't have even come as a surprise."

"Squall you're going to have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I admit, what you told me did sound strange. But, I'm also sure that his job is very stressful. He probably didn't mean it the way it sounded. I mean hell, we all know how addle brained you get sometimes," she laughed softly.

"Ha, ha, very funny," He said against her shoulder. She could feel him smile a little. It gave her some relief.

"But seriously, I'm sure he has a lot of stuff on his plate right now. What with Esthar Garden's first graduation being only three months away. I think you should try talking to him again, when you're ready to. Give him a chance to explain to you, take time and _listen_ to what he has to say. Maybe it won't change a damn thing, but at least it won't be left…unresolved like this."

"I'll try. But no promises."

"I didn't ask for any now did I? Elise said lightly.

"Guess not," Squall replied. The medications combined with the lack of sleep were beginning to take effect. He felt dizzy and closed his eyes against the spinning of the room.

"I want you to stay in today," Elise continued in a more serious tone. "I'll arrange things with the head office, and everything will be fine. You could use a day off anyway, I can't remember the last time you had one can you? Come by the office later when you feel up to it. I think you could do with another physical just to see how this medicine is working for you and then maybe we could talk more in one of those doctor-patient settings…instead of at the kitchen table," She ran a hand through his damp hair. "How does that sound?"

There was no response.

"Squall?"

Elise became aware of the slow breathing against her neck. He had fallen asleep. She held him tighter as she lost what remaining composer she had. The tears now falling freely from her eyes…she never wanted him to see how much this scared her.

"I love you so much Squall," she whispered, feeling his heart beat against her own. "I just want you to be happy."

She looked over at the vodka still sitting on the table. With one hand, she knocked it over. It made a small clank as it met the table. The contents surged out of the open mouth of the bottle. It rolled to a stop as its life-blood spilled across the wooden surface and dripped to the linoleum floor without a sound.

* * *

"Oh God…"

Quistis was roused from sleep by a muffled sob. At first, she thought she was dreaming, until she heard it again. "Rinoa?" She stood up trying to adjust her eyes to the dim light. It was barely dawn. The small light above Rinoa's hospital bed had been turned on. Her blurred vision focused on the light source as she staggered across the room.

"Rinoa are you okay? What's wrong?"

Rinoa looked over at the young woman, her eyes full of tears. "God Quistis, what have they done to me?" She had grown tired of staring at the ceiling for the past eternity of hours. She didn't want to wake Quistis however. So, she fumbled her fingers around until she had found the hand-held control for the bed. She kept pressing buttons until she found the one to elevate herself into a half-sitting position. What she saw had horrified her.

Quistis pulled a chair over and sat beside the young woman. She took hold of one of her hands comfortingly. "They had to hook you up to a lot of machines Rin, to help you out of the unsealing process. Don't worry though; the doctors said they would take most of these away soon when you improve a little more. They say your recovery is coming along fantastically, much faster than they expected. I'll bet you'll be out of here in no time flat."

"I…won't always be like this?"

"No sweetie, no of course not." The blonde haired woman reached over, took the cloth from the nightstand, and used it to wipe the tears from Rinoa's face. She didn't have the heart to tell her they had taken several of the wires and tubes out of her yesterday. This was a vast improvement.

"Thank you," Rinoa managed. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to wake you. I just…Hyne I look like a switchboard."

Quistis managed a small laugh. "Think you can make a collect call to Fisherman's Horizon?"

Rinoa laughed softly before her face became solemn again. "He doesn't know, does he?"

Quistis sighed regretfully; she had been expecting this. "No Rin, he doesn't know yet."

"That's good," she said. "Don't tell him."

"What?" That statement had shocked her.

"I don't…I don't want him to see me…like this."

"I understand, don't worry, I won't tell him…there are only a small handful of people that know. And they are all very trustworthy."

"The man you were talking to?"

"Who? Oh, yes that's Laguna Loire. He's S--, he's the President of Esthar."

"He sounds a little old for you Quisty," Rinoa gave her friend a sly look.

"Oh no!" Quistis laughed. "No it's not like that! He's an old friend. He helped us during the battle with Ultimecia. He's also worked very hard the last several years to find a way to get you out of the Sorceress's Memorial."

"I owe him a huge debt of gratitude then, will he be coming back?"

"Oh yes, I'm sure he will stop by today. He's very anxious to talk with you. He knew your mother a long time ago."

"Really? Oh, I'm sure Caraway would be thrilled to hear that. He would hardly let other men come within fifty feet of her. I guess he knows about all this? I'm not at all surprised that he isn't here."

Quistis looked around nervously. "Hey, the doctor told me you could drink a little water if you wanted to. Would you like some?"

"Um…okay."

The headmaster walked over and poured a small amount of water out of the pitcher into a Styrofoam cup on a nearby table. She placed a straw in the cup and walked back over to the bed. She positioned the cup so that Rinoa could drink from the straw. After a couple of struggled sips, she spat the water back up in a coughing fit.

Quistis panicked. "Are you alright?"

"It's freezing!" She replied between coughs.

"Hyne, I'm so sorry," the older woman apologized. She quickly grabbed the cloth and wiped the liquid from Rinoa's chin and neck.

"It's okay, just wasn't expecting Trabian iceberg water."

Quistis curiously stuck a finger into the cup and pulled it out with a bit of surprise.

"This water is room temperature Rin," she said hesitantly.

"Really? We must be in the meat locker then," she said with a small smile. "Guess it's a side effect or something. It's okay, I'm not thirsty anyway."

"Okay," Quistis replied as she returned to her seat. "Is there anything you need? Do you want to lie back down?"

"Not right now. What I do want is to know what you're not telling me Quistis. Please, don't hide things from me."

"You're right, I'm sorry…there are some things I need to tell you," she said softly. "I'm just not sure how to."

"Hey, just don't tell me that in some ironic turn of events, you and Squall got married while I was away." Rinoa gave her a wink.

"Oh Hyne no!" Quistis couldn't help but laugh. "It's nothing _that_ unbelievable!"

She took a moment to collect herself before continuing. "Rinoa, your father…he died a couple of years ago."

Rinoa said nothing, it was almost impossible to see any emotion in her eyes at all. For many, it would be hard to hold up the barriers against that sort of devastating news. Quistis was aware of some of the feelings the girl had towards her father. She didn't know the whole story, but there was something dark and deeply buried between them. She figured this would be the easier news to take. She wanted to delay the inevitable as long as possible.

"How?"

"Heart attack."

"Was he alone?"

"I…I think he was. One of his lieutenants found him on the floor of the study early that morning."

Rinoa bowed her head slightly. "I know I should be feeling more for his passing…a part of me hurts that there was so much left unfinished. But, the bitterness is so overpowering Quistis…there's so much. I don't know if he even deserves to be mourned. He certainly didn't spend any time grieving over my mother. I doubt he even grieved for me."

Quistis looked at her sadly.

Rinoa's eyes began to shimmer. "He never came did he? To see me?"

"No Rin, I'm sorry…he didn't, not that I was ever aware of."

She closed her eyes and tried desperately to bite back the tears that were threatening to fall. She wouldn't cry because of him. Not anymore.

"He left you the estate in his will. The house and most of the things inside were sold at auction. We were able to get some of your stuff and a few of your mother's things. But all the money has gone into a trust fund for you. It was to go to the research of the memorial and your unsealing process. When the time came that you would be unsealed, the remaining funds were to go to you." She felt like she was reading from a textbook. What kind of way was this for anyone to find out about their own father's death?

"Sounds about right," Rinoa spat. "The bastard was always trying to win me over with money. Always thought he could buy my cooperation…my silence."

Her eyelids began to grow heavier, the room began to blur again. "Quistis, can you get me another blanket please? I'm freezing."

Quistis feared that she might be running a fever. To her, the room was on the verge of being uncomfortably warm. She placed a hand on the girl's forehead. She definitely wasn't hot. In fact, she didn't feel warm at all. The headmaster walked over and grabbed a blanket out of the small closet in the corner of the room. She returned and spread it across the bed, bringing it up to Rinoa's chin.

"That feel better?" She asked.

"Yes, thank you," Rinoa replied with closed eyes and a half smile.

"I really think you should rest now," Quistis said. "We can talk more later, when you're up to it. You look exhausted." She took hold of the small control and began to lower the bed back down.

Rinoa grabbed her hand lightly with her fingers. "Wait."

She stopped and looked at her concernedly. "What is it?"

"Did…did _he_ come? Did he visit me at all?"

Quistis saw the hurt beginning to rise in her eyes. "Yes, Squall did come Rinoa. He came almost every day until it became too hard for him to bear anymore." She left out the fact that he could never bring up enough strength to go inside the memorial. It wasn't as important as giving her friend comfort at that moment. But she remembered how he used to bring flowers and sit for hours upon end on the steps of the entranceway.

"What is he doing now?"

"He's the headmaster at Trabia Garden; he's been there four years now."

Rinoa had trouble forming her next words. "He's…involved with someone isn't he?"

Quistis turned away, unsure on how to answer the question. She didn't want to lie to the young woman, yet the truth seemed to hold so much more pain.

"Quistis, please tell me. I can see it in your eyes. He's either dead or unreachable. Please, I want to know."

She sighed. Rinoa had a right to know. She had been in love with this man seven years ago, and she could tell from the look in her eyes at that moment, she still did.

"Yes, he is. He's involved with someone."

She was silent for a moment. "Is it serious?"

Everything…she should know everything.

"Yes," Quistis replied with a shuttering sigh. "They're engaged."


	5. The Voices Within

**_Chapter Five: The Voices Within_**

Elise shuffled through the papers for the nineteenth time in the last five minutes. She put her head against the cool surface of the desk. Answers escaped her; she felt as if she had outstretched her hand as far as possible…and he was still falling away from her. From himself. Nothing seemed to reach him.

She thought that perhaps she should call him to see if he was all right. She hesitantly started to pick up the phone before she stopped herself. He would probably still be asleep. Sleep was probably the best thing for him right now. It would be wrong to deprive him of it just to ease her own mind.

This was so damn frustrating.

She walked over and grabbed his file off the filing shelf. The doctor took out a small set of tapes from the large folder. There had to be something, something that she missed. Something that held answers she didn't know. She searched the dates until she found what she was looking for. The cassettes that had been recorded before she had come here. She placed one into the cassette player and pushed the play button.

"So Squall, this will be our last session together. I suppose we could start with how you're feeling today?"

_"Well doctor, like I tell you every time you start out with that question…I'm fine."_ The other voice replied in a sardonic nature. Elise couldn't help but smile; she remembered that statement well.

"So what has been going on in your life since our last session, anything new?"

_"You live at this Garden too; you know what's going on as much as I do. I still don't understand why we have to go through this line of questioning every single time."_

_"My apologies, it's just standard psychological questioning. I'm just trying to start a conversation with you. I've been transferred to the new Garden facility in Esthar. My replacement will be meeting you next week. I knew her in medical school; she's a very charming young lady. Quite the looker too. I think you'll like her."_

"Oh dear God," She said with a flush of embarrassment. That remark should go over well.

_"Am I supposed to care? All of you are all the same. She can pour on all the charm and looks she wants too. That won't stop me from not giving a damn about these pointless sessions. Can we change the subject?"_

She remembered that first day. Hyne it had been a nightmare.

_"Okay, what would you like to talk about then Squall?"_

_"Whatever. Doesn't matter."_

The voice of the doctor remained as composed as ever. _"Well like I've said before, the benefit of these sessions comes from the effort on your part to communicate your problems. Get them out in the open."_

_"Well sorry, I can't really think of anything I need to air out. Except maybe the fact that I am tired of sitting through these things. I wish you would just sign that piece of paper and get me out of this stupid agreement with Garden. I function as normally as I always have."_

_"Why are you closing up again?"_

_"I don't recall that I've ever been open with you."_

_"I thought we made significant progress during the last session, I truly think it is the furthest we have come since the beginning. Do you not wish to explore this dream… these new reflections further?"_

There was a long pause of silence until Squall muttered something unrecognizable.

_"What did you say?"_

_"I said no. I don't want to talk about it again."_

Elise stopped the tape and rewound it back to try and decipher what Squall said. Through experience, she had come to understand his garbled muttering. She increased the volume and listened again.

_"Do you not wish to explore these new reflections further?"_

She was able to make it out. And to hear it broke her heart all over again.

_"No…hurts…too much."_ She allowed the tape to continue this time.

_"What did you say?"_

_"I said no. I don't want to talk about it again."_

_"Very well.__ What is on your mind then?"_

_"Leaving."_

The doctor hadn't been able to get any further with him. Squall continued to dodge all of his attempts throughout the remainder of the session. The memories he had talked about earlier were not mentioned again. After the tape ended, she looked through the rest of the tapes for the previous session. It appeared to be missing. 

"Figures," Elise sighed. Apparently, it was on file in Esthar now by mistake. She would have to track it down in their medical records. The fact that Dr. Stevens had transferred Gardens yet again would not make the task any easier. She had a feeling that there was something in it that was significant. Something he had never discussed with her before. It was only a feeling; it could turn out to be nothing. But she felt the need to make sure.

Just then, the door to her office opened as one of her assistants poked her head into the office.

"Elise, Squall is here."

"Oh really?" She was surprised he had come. "Send him in. You'd think he'd know by now that he doesn't need an appointment to see me."

"He's not in the waiting room," the young girl said. "He's in the infirmary."

"What?"

* * *

"…I love…you."

The blankets flew as Squall woke with a start. The same dream. He wished it were nothing more than just a dream. It had been plaguing him more and more in the last few days. He sat on the edge of the bed, trying to remember how he got back here. The digital clock read 8:15 on the nightstand. He had not been this late for work since he had become headmaster of Trabia. Balamb was a different story altogether. But surprisingly today, he didn't care. It wasn't as if he were reverting back to old habits. He was better now. That was a long time ago. He was fine now. Sure, he slipped a little this morning, but everyone has bad days right?

_"Bad days…yes.__ Living nightmares…no."_

He shook the thought from his mind as he walked across the room in search of a pair of pants. The phone ringing in the other room interrupted his quest. Maybe they would go away. The ringing persisted however as he managed his other leg into one of the pant legs. He buttoned them with a sigh and walked briskly to retrieve the reverberating menace. It was most likely Elise calling to check up on him. Sometimes he had to admit that he missed his solitude.

"Hello?"

"Hey Squall! They said you weren't in the head office today. You feeling alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine, just feeling a little under the weather this morning. It's nothing."

"You do know that it's impossible to lie to me don't you? I will eventually find out the truth."

"Yeah, I know Sis, but you have to give me the benefit of trying."

Ellone laughed. "Yes, I suppose I do. Seriously though, you're okay?"

"Yes I'm seriously okay Sis, stop worrying so much. God you're worse than Quistis."

"Of course, where do you think she learned all her trade skills?"

"Mystery solved," he said lightly.

"Well that's one down," she said good-naturedly. "There's one more though, the reason I'm calling as a matter of fact. Have you talked to Uncle Laguna lately?"

The name sent fire searing around the edges of his vision. "No," he lied. "No, I haven't."

"I don't know what's going on. But he won't tell me anything. He's been acting so weird for the past couple of days."

"Try the past couple of decades," he said to himself.

"Squall, you still there?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm here. I really don't know. I'm not sure why you're asking me about this, I mean you see him much more than I do," he said a little more sharply than he intended. "Besides he never told me anything, don't think he would be busting at the seams to start telling me things now."

"Squall…what's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm just telling you what I know."

"You're lying to me."

"No I'm not!" He suddenly felt a gray haziness fill his mind. His eyes became heavy as he sank to his knees. "No…no Ellone please," he pleaded. "Don't do this…" It continued to consume him. The darkness was rising as he fell. He couldn't let her in…not now.

"Get out!" He screamed. It was so forceful that Ellone dropped the phone on the other end of the line.

"Squall?"

"Ellone, I can't talk to you right now."

"I only want to help you."

"Yeah, go right ahead why don't you? Help yourself to my thoughts like you always do!"

"No…that's not it at all…" 

"Look I have enough problems without you nosing and scratching around in my head. Go screw with someone else's life Sis!" With that, he slammed the phone down. He wrapped his arms around his knees as he brought them to his chest and rested his head against them. Squall could add yet another person to the list of people he had managed to alienate in the past twenty-four hours.

"Nice job Leonhart. At this rate you'll be the only one attending your funeral."

He sighed in frustration. Why didn't anyone believe he was okay? Why wouldn't they just accept the fact that he was capable of handling his own problems? Why couldn't he believe it?

_"When did I lose control again?"_

No. That wasn't true. He was always in control. No one had a hold on him. There was nothing holding him back. He was fine. He just needed something to vent his frustrations out on. Squall walked over to the chest of drawers and searched an open drawer for a small flask hidden beneath his folded shirts. He twisted the cap and turned the vessel up. It burned going down his throat and surged like lightning through his body. Setting a spark that started a fire within his soul. He wiped the access liquid from his lips and took his gunblade out of the case on the floor. It was time for something else to feel his pain.

He walked through the halls silently striding past the students and faculty who greeted him. It had been weeks since he had made use of his gunblade. It wasn't like him to go this long without practice. That wasn't good; it made him think too much. He needed the feel of battle, the adrenaline rush, and the weight of the gunblade resting in his hands. It was part of who he was. This brought a balance to his being that few things could match especially not the paperwork or politics. Maybe this was the need that he sought for.

The training center was literally a polar opposite to the one he had come to know at Balamb. The tropical environment that the T-Rexaurs and Grats inhabited was not possible to create in the frozen temperatures of Trabia even with the aid of modern technology. So the facility was adapted to house the wildlife of the region while at the same time keeping a temperature warm enough for human occupants. It still presented the dangers of hypothermia and frostbite. And the fact that most of the monsters had ice elemental magic did nothing to reduce the risk. Therefore, no one was ever allowed to enter the training center alone, not even the instructors or SeeDs themselves. Of course, if you make the rules, then you're also entitled to break them.

The area was vast and white with only a few flares of color underneath the snow-covered branches of the evergreen forest. The ice crunched beneath his feet as Squall walked through the double doors and out into the woodland. The world was still around him as he walked along the trail. He revered in the silence that he had not heard in some time. The rush of air from the cooling vents encircled him, rustling his hair and the fur on his jacket. It seemed to swallow everything around him, engulfing him in a peaceful Eden of solitude. One that was immediately shattered by the laughter that broke out from the two cadets up ahead of him.

He scowled. Damn kids. The training center wasn't designed for friendly outings. It was a training center. A place to home in on one's combat abilities. Abilities that included the element of surprise, which they completely shot to hell. Squall wanted to yell at them, but instead decided to let them find out the hard way. At the split in the trail, he turned down the opposite path of the cadets. Even then, he could still hear their loud banter echoing through the trees.

He sighed and continued on. The trees thickened as he advanced. He was moving into the larger monsters' territory now. The snow lions were the great bushwhackers; they used the bleached fur on their backs to hide themselves in the snow. A person could be practically on top of one of the monsters before they realized it. Then there were the blue dragons. They were limited to a very few number because they were so savagely territorial. A battle with a blue dragon required the utmost patience and concentration. They were cunning and quick, not driven by hunger but with an unrelenting determination to guard their dominion. Only SeeDs and the upperclassmen were allowed to engage in combat with the dragons, the rest were ordered to run.

A loud roar erupted across from the other side of the training center, followed by two surprised shrieks. The corners of his mouth turned up slightly. Sounded like the cadets had stumbled on one of the snow lions. Literally. He sighed. They were on their own, he wasn't about to go pull them out of what they fell in to. Maybe next time they'd know to pay more attention to their surroundings. He was interrupted from his thoughts as a low growl brought his attention to the set of glowing red eyes in front of him.

A juvenile dragon emerged from the shadows, its body low to the ground in preparation for a strike. Standing at eye-level it would have been about a head taller than Squall himself. He did not take the size for granted however as he removed his gunblade from its sheath and planted his feet firmly in a battle position. The old feeling slowly came back to him. He felt the blood coursing through his veins and the acidic taste in his mouth. The feeling of all his senses coming together and focusing on only one thing. An opponent. He gripped the hilt of his gunblade and licked his dry lips. The dragon advanced cautiously, it to seeming to size up its adversary. Squall smiled as he stomped one of his feet against the ground in a taunting manner. "Let's dance you and me."

The dragon roared and charged the young man. He met the dragon's lunge with a lunge of his own, ducking and slicing at one of the monster's hindquarters. It howled in rage and hurled down upon him in an attempt to tear into this new threat with its wide jaws. Squall immediately dodged the attack and continued his assault on the beast, parrying each move with flawless accuracy. It wasn't long before his dominating control had the dragon backing up into a defensive position in a desperate attempt to protect itself. Its instincts told the creature to run from this relentless human, yet its stubborn sense of pride kept it fighting on in the quickly turning battle. The dragon sidestepped and wheeled around on its hind legs searching for an opening. The human countered its every move as if he could foresee the future. All seemed lost until alarmingly the human stopped fighting completely and turned his attention to something else.

Squall froze as a very familiar weapon whizzed through the air and landed in a tree just a few feet away from him. He felt his heart stop as he stared at the shining pinwheel in a mixture of reverence and confusion. He suddenly forgot everything around him.

"Rinoa?"

"Oh Hyne, what the hell are you aiming at?" One of the cadets yelled to the other.

"Nothing! It slipped! Just shut up and run Nicole!"

"I'm running! I'm running!" The girl replied before her foot became entangled in an unseen branch on the ground sending her skidding across the snow. She turned and tried to pry her foot from its entrapment. She panicked as she saw the large blue dragon leap from out of the timber and quickly close in upon her.

"Shit!" She took aim at the monster and fired the blaster edge. The dragon roared as the blade dug into its shoulder. Yet it did very little to slow the creature down. "Kristine! Wait! I'm caught! Help me!"

The other cadet wheeled around and ran back to help her friend. "Hang on I'm coming!"

"Hurry! I…can't fight this thing alone!"

"I couldn't...I just couldn't"

"I couldn't fight alone..."

Squall heard the words echo in his mind; he saw the blade of her weapon protruding from the tree. His mind suddenly became flooded and overtaken with old images. She was in trouble. Rinoa was in trouble, and he had to help her. He promised. He turned and started to run towards them. The dragon suddenly saw its opportunity and leapt onto him, knocking him into the ground with a forceful blow. It tore at his back with its dagger sharp claws. Squall cried out as pain brought him crashing back into reality again. He tried to force the creature off his back, but it was of no use. It was all he could do to move. His arms flailed desperately trying to locate his gunblade somewhere in the frozen white around him. The dragon clasped the side of the young man's head and pushed it further into the snow. It lowered its own head closer to its captor who could feel its hot rancid breath on the exposed part of his face. It seemed to be taking time to revel in its victory. It wailed in triumph as it raised its head into the air and prepared to deal its killing blow.

Squall closed his eyes and waited for the end. This was how he was meant to die. Cold and alone, with more pain than he had ever known. It was all the pain of the last seven years, rising up into the moment, where he had failed her.

Kristine was busy trying to pull her friend out of the snagged tree branch as the dragon in front of them howled and clawed at its eyes. She managed to pull Nicole free as they both rose to their feet in a dead run.

"How long will that blind spell last?" Nicole asked with sheer panic in her voice. At the same moment, they both became aware of the quick tremors of the monsters footsteps closing in behind them.

"Not long enough!" Kristine yelled. "Run faster!"

"You don't have to tell me twice!"

As its vision cleared, the large dragon saw its quarry and quickened its pace to the clearing up ahead. It fled past the two human nuisances and charged the young dragon that had been foolish enough to enter in to its territory. The two cadets stopped baffled in their tracks as they watched the dragon speed past them.

The young dragon stopped in mid lunge and turned just in time to see the other dragon leap into the air and hit his body full force to the ground. The battle before now quickly forgotten as it squealed and clawed frantically at the massive weight that was now bearing down on it. It flapped its wings in a desperate attempt to escape and screamed as it felt the flesh being torn from its body.

"Well that was exciting, eh Kris?" Nicole said casually.

Kristine looked at her incredulously.

The cadet laughed nervously in reply. "Okay you're right, what say we walk away from this very…very quickly," she said as she turned and began to jog the other way.

"Wait a minute," Kristine said looking again to make sure that her eyes weren't playing tricks on her. "Oh my God, there's someone over there!"

"What?"

"On the ground, there's someone on the ground over there!"

The two cadets ran towards the still form in the snow, lying just meters away from where the dragons were locked in battle.

"Oh Hyne, it's the headmaster!"

"Quick, grab an arm we'll drag him out of here."

Squall groaned as the two girls lifted him and put an arm around each of their necks. He opened his eyes slowly to see the ground moving quickly beneath him. He heard voices yelling around him. They sounded so foreign. The pain was so excruciating. Even as the darkness filled his vision, he still could not escape the thought that he had failed her all over again.

* * *

Quistis panicked in the absolute silence that descended in the room after the last word fell from her lips. She knew she shouldn't have told her. It certainly wouldn't help in her recovery, if anything it would hinder it. But she couldn't lie to Rinoa, she wouldn't. It was the last thing the poor girl deserved. And perhaps in the end, telling her now would save her the heartache of having to find out about it later.

Rinoa tried to process the information she had just received. Everything was coming in waves. Her mind had taken in all the realities up until now while her heart refused to accept any of it. It was all so confusing to a girl that had a dark and empty void in the place of the past seven years. The last she remembered when she looked into a mirror, she was seventeen. So with the mindset of a seventeen-year-old, she said the first thought that came to her.

"Well…he's not married."

Quistis stared at the girl. That was the last thing she was expecting to hear. She searched her eyes for any sign of emotion. Sadness, anger, anything at all, but there was none to be found. It worried her; she had prepared herself for anything. Screaming, crying, shouting, cursing…everything but the faceless expression she was seeing now. It was the same one she saw when she told her about her father. She hoped her friend wasn't burying the feelings inside her, only to have them resurface and consume her later. When Rinoa looked back at her, the young headmaster gave her a reassuring smile. "Things are going to be okay, Rin." Rinoa gave her the smallest of smiles in return.

"Thank you…thank you for being here Quistis," she said gratefully.

"Of course."

"I…I'm going to try and sleep now. I want you to go get some rest too. I'll be fine. Now go, that's an order from the invalid." She gave her a wink.

"Are you sure? Really I'm fine, I can stay here its not a prob--"

"Quistis," Rinoa interrupted, looking at her in earnest. "Go." She wasn't going to back down from this. And try as she might, Quistis was not able to put up much of a fight…she was so very tired.

"Alright, alright," the blonde woman sighed. "But I won't be far, I'll be back to check on you later okay?"

"I'll be right here. Not as if I could go anywhere." She laughed, and yet the humor that was meant to be in the statement was nonexistent.

"See you soon," Quistis said as she turned the light above the bed off and tucked in the extra blanket around the dark haired woman. Rinoa closed her eyes. The headmaster took one more look at her friend before she turned and hesitantly walked out of the door.

After the soft sound of the door pulling too, she opened her eyes again in the darkness. Seven years of her life had evaporated into oblivion in a frozen chamber. Caraway…no…her father, he was dead. And the man that she loved all those years ago, he had found someone else.

_"Things are going to be okay, Rin."_

"Yeah," she said quietly. "Everything will be fine."


	6. Let Me Into Darkness Again

**_Chapter Six: Let Me Into Darkness Again_**

Quistis walked slowly down the hallway towards the hospital cafeteria. It had been a while since she'd eaten anything, but she wasn't hungry. It was more of an excuse to bide her time at the hospital a while longer. She didn't feel comfortable leaving Rinoa in the condition she was in. The emptiness she saw in her eyes haunted her. She was at a loss on how to help the poor girl.

She looked up and saw Laguna round the corner of the hallway up ahead. He smiled as he approached and she returned the gesture as best she could. "She finally kicked you out of the room did she?" He said lightly. "It's about time someone did, you really need to get some rest Quistis, you look exhausted."

"Yes I know, so everyone keeps saying. I must look horrible," she laughed before covering her mouth and succumbing to the yawn that she had been fighting since she had seen him coming. She wasn't the one who needed help now, and she was determined to put up her strong front.

"Not in the least Headmaster Trepe. But even you can't deny you're tired my dear."

"No…no I guess I can't."

"Would you like me to escort you back to the palace?"

"No it's okay. Thank you anyway. I was just on my way to the cafeteria to get something to eat. Care to join me for breakfast?"

"Mmm hospital food, hold me back!" He grimaced and then smiled as she laughed softly. "Of course, I'd be delighted to, as long as you let me buy though. As that is also found in that darn gentlemen ethics handbook. And I am forced to abide."

"Well I guess I have no argument then."

"Nope, I'm afraid you don't. And I hope you don't mind the tabloid paparazzi, it has been a while since I've been seen out in public with a woman."

She laughed again and looped her arm around his as she led them both down the hall. "Bring them on."

A few minutes of silence passed as they sat at the small dining table. Quistis idly poked her spoon around in the bowl of oatmeal in front of her. Laguna finally spoke up.

"So…how is she?"

Quistis stopped and looked up at him. It was a mixture of sadness and of guilt. He stared back at her curiously.

"I told her Laguna…about her father and…about Squall."

His eyes grew wide. "Oh Hyne…"

"She wanted the truth; I didn't feel I had the right to keep it from her."

"God this is so much to put on one person," he rubbed his eyes with one hand. "I'm guessing she didn't take the news well…who would?"

She shook her head in reply. "That's what is so strange. There was almost no emotion coming from her. Her eyes, they were so empty. It was frightening." Quistis' own eyes began to glisten with newly formed tears. Laguna reached across the table and placed a hand on top of hers in a gesture of comfort.

"She is probably still in shock over all of this. It will take some time before she will be capable of dealing with it. I'm sure she has no idea how to begin. None of this is _real_ to her yet."

The blonde woman looked up at the older man. He was right. Perhaps this was nothing more than a dream to Rinoa. A hazy nightmare. But when she woke up to reality? What then? Quistis wasn't sure if the sorceress would be able to recover from that. If she herself were in that situation…Hyne, she had no idea if it would even be possible.

"We are going to help her to get through this," Laguna said seemingly reading her mind. "She will be rehabilitated physically as well as mentally while she is here. I'm going to see to it that everything that can be done to help her, will be, I promise you that."

"I know…I know you will Laguna. I just feel so helpless sitting there next to her. I don't know what to do, how to act, I'm afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing…hell I know I already have."

"Listen to me, you being here means more to her than you could ever know. That's all she needs right now, a friend. And I'm sure she's aware that you're not here to hurt her Quistis. Things just are the way they are, you can't be held accountable for any of it. Just be there for her to help her through it."

Quistis smiled. "I'll do my best." She slid the half-eaten bowl of oatmeal out of the way.

"I'm sure you will," he smiled back. "Hey, you gonna eat that?" He asked pointing to the remaining piece of toast on the small plate.

"No," she laughed. "Help yourself."

* * *

Elise ran down the white hallway as fast as her feet would carry her. Her mind raced through the million things that could have happened to him. The only words she could understand after the immediate shock were 'accident' and 'training center.'

She saw two disheveled cadets standing outside of the doorway, one of them nursing a bruised ankle. Both their uniforms were covered in blood. She stopped abruptly in front of them. "Oh God, what happened?" She demanded; her professional conduct long abandoned.

"He was attacked by a blue dragon," One of them replied.

"Yeah we found him while we were busy…er…running from another one," The other said shakily. "We carried him out of there as best we could; the dragon really got its claws into his back."

She placed a hand on each of their shoulders as she started to walk past them into the room beyond. "Thank you," she whispered gratefully. "Hyne thank you both." They nodded in solemn reply, uncertain what words could be right for the situation.

In the infirmary, she nearly tripped over a garment that had been thrown aside hastily. She looked down to see Squall's jacket…soaked and ripped to shreds. She cursed herself for leaving him alone. He had needed someone and she hadn't been there. She shook her head as if to clear it and walked towards the bed where she saw the silhouettes of the doctors and nurses behind the opaque curtains. She would have to wait until later to deal with her guilt.

The nurses were having trouble trying to keep him still. They had him turned onto his side to keep him from injuring the deep gashes that ran diagonally between his shoulder blades. Elise could see the sheen of sweat that covered his exposed torso. His eyes were white-hot and feverish. She tried to hold her composure as she watched him writhe and convulse in agony on the blood stained sheet.

Blue dragons possessed a poison within their talons. It was an excruciatingly painful venom that served the sole purpose of immobilizing its prey. If not treated immediately it would result in paralysis and death. Even the youngest students at Garden were aware of this and no one was even allowed to enter the training center without the appropriate defensive magic and antidotes. It anguished her to see that the most experienced person in the garden, the one that everyone looked up to, had gone in without either. It was as if…he had done it on purpose.

"_God Squall…why would you do this to yourself?_"

Elise fought back the tears that were threatening to come. She couldn't allow emotions to overpower her abilities. She would be no help to him then.

"What's his status?" She asked as she approached the head nurse.

"We've nearly got the bleeding under control Doctor Vandermere. Some severe tissue damage, but no apparent organ damage. X-rays show no sign of fractures or damage to the spinal column. Patient has been going in and out of consciousness. Blood pressure is fluctuating below normal. Pulse rate is high. Breathing is shallow and irregular. Pupils are dilated. Patient is incoherent and unresponsive."

"He's going into shock," she replied as she put on a pair of latex gloves and approached the gurney. "We need to administer a sedative to calm him down. Magic treatment will not help him until we can get him to relax. Someone get me an IV bag and some tubing, we need to replace the lost fluids." The staff complied with her instructions without hesitation as she tried to get Squall to respond.

"Squall, can you hear me?" She bent lower to his face. His eyes fluttered, unable to focus. "Honey…it's me, Elise… listen I need you to come back now okay? Focus." He closed his eyes as his body was racked with tremors. One of the nurses administered the sedative into his neck with an air gun. It was a mild dosage that was slow to react. He screamed and flailed his arm about wildly as he felt the pressure of the IV needle being placed into his skin. The needle ripped from his arm and fell to the floor. The nurse quickly applied pressure to the vein as a second ran to retrieve another needle, while Elise aided in the difficult task of keeping him still.

She leaned over him, holding down his arm while carefully avoiding putting her hand on top of his injuries. She caressed his damp skin gently. "We've got to get an IV tube into you Squall; I need you to relax okay? I know you hate needles, but everything's going to be alright." He muttered incoherently and shuddered in her arms. Her tears were no longer able to resist the pull of gravity.

"I'm here Squall…I'm here with you," she whispered into his ear. "Come back to me." She felt his eyelid flutter beneath her cheek and she lifted her head to look at him. He stared up at her with wide and glazed eyes.

"Ri…Rinoa?" He managed.

"N…," she stopped herself. Her heart fell, and a moment of silence past before she regained her composure. If this could help him…that was all that mattered right now.

"Yes, Squall…I'm here." She squeezed his hand gently. "I'm here."

"Are…you…okay?"

"I'm fine. Thanks to you."

"I…made it this…time."

"That's right…you were right on time Squall." She choked on her tears. This was killing her inside.

A small smile formed across his lips, as his eyelids grew heavy, the sedative was taking effect. "I'm so…glad."

"Me too baby…me too." She kissed the top of his forehead gently.

"The IV is in doctor," the nurse said slowly, uncertain that she should say anything at all during the current situation. Elise felt him relax in her arms; his breathing became slow and steady. She gently guided the rest of his body down to the gurney, resting him on his stomach. She assessed his wounds and wiped the tears from her eyes on the sleeve of her jacket before turning to look at the remaining staff.

"Clean the wounds thoroughly and administer some of the antidote over there to remedy the poison. He'll need some antibiotics as well. Get a magic specialist in here to close up as much of this as possible. Keep a close eye on his vitals; I'll be back in a few minutes to help you stitch the rest up."

She didn't wait for a reply as she walked briskly out of the door, tossing the latex gloves in the receptacle as she passed. As the door slid open, she was greeted with the site of a hall full of students who had congregated in both concern and curiosity for the headmaster. She sighed; it was impossible for anything to stay confidential in this place.

"The headmaster is going to be fine. I need everyone to clear the hallway and return to their classes immediately. This is a medical facility not an auditorium," she yelled over the crowd as loudly as she could. There was mumbling among the gathering. "Now people! Move it!" They slowly broke and began to depart. She pushed through the students as she tried to make it up the hallway against the downward current.

Once inside her office she shut the door behind her and collapsed against it, falling to the floor. And she cried bitterly. Not so much for herself as for him. Yes, she couldn't deny that second place hurt like hell. Especially when second place was to someone who was all but dead to this world. It was Squall, Rinoa,

_"…Then Elise."_

And yet, she had known it from the beginning. She knew where his heart was, and it wasn't with her. The memory would fade for him with time she thought, but it would never vanish completely. It was never more apparent than what just happened in the infirmary. But she settled. She settled in hopes that she could give him as much comfort as she could and offer him peace against his inner demons that seemed to consume him a little more each day.

He was an absolute wreck the first time she saw him. But lately, things had seemed better. A lot better. He had deceived her however, and she had deceived herself. It hurt her even more to think that he felt he had no one to turn to, and he turned his anguish and guilt onto himself. And things like this happened. She didn't know what to do anymore. She loved him with a love that was never fully returned. She wanted him to live, and to have happiness. Elise knew she would give anything for him. She'd go to the ends of the earth. Yet the one thing he wanted was the one thing she couldn't give him.

She couldn't bring back Rinoa Heartilly

* * *

The soft hum of machinery was the only sound that greeted his ears as he pushed open the door. Laguna tried to adjust his eyes as he scanned the dimly lit room. He swallowed nervously and put one foot through the door. He hoped he wouldn't wake her if she were asleep. Quistis had asked him to check on her before he left and he obliged. After all, he had wanted to speak with her. Now that he was actually here however, he suddenly became flooded with a sense of uneasiness. The words that he had told Quistis earlier did not work to clear him of any guilt. The responsibility he felt for her past and current situation was overtaking his will. What could he possibly say to her? _"Gee, sorry about the whole 'sealing' thing, I wasn't keeping track of my mad scientist as well as I should have been."_

He shook his head. It was wrong, it was so wrong. This could have been prevented. _He _could have prevented it.

_"Forgive me Julia," _He said to himself. He rallied up his courage and moved into the room. He owed her at least a visit…and so much more. He looked to see her sleeping peacefully in the dark corner of the room. The heartache and sorrow that she was being forced to bear were not evident in the serene expression of her face. And then the inevitable question entered his mind. That if things turned out for the worst, if her life would become nothing but an unending struggle with emotional pain…did they do the right thing by unsealing her? Would the absent years leave such a severance in her heart that it would destroy her in the end? Not to mention the other lives that were involved in this.

Laguna ran a hand through his graying hair. He hated thinking. Once he got started, it consumed him. But there were never any right answers, only choices that would lead down one path or another. He wouldn't feel guilty for giving a person a chance to live. He felt it awful to think otherwise. And though it went against all his prior standings, he swore to himself and to her mother he would do everything in his power to help a sorceress.

Thoughts of Julia Heartilly took him on a trip through time. It brought a smile to his lips as his mind wandered back to those many years ago. He remembered actually getting to meet her for the first time, and how absolutely terrified he had been. He was entranced with everything about her. He had never felt that way in his entire life up until that point, and he would only have that feeling hit him blindsided one more time completely by chance in Winhill. He wondered if Rinoa had enamored Squall much in the same way when he first set eyes on her. He decided that yeah, it had to run in the family.

"You knew my mother."

He nearly jumped out of his skin at the voice. He turned around to see Rinoa looking at him. Somehow, he had managed to walk the entirety of the room and absentmindedly stare out the window in his contemplation. _"Oh Hyne, has she been reading my mind all this time?"_ He took a minute to collect himself, anxiously scratching the back of his head.

Laguna cleared his throat. "Um…yeah that I did Miss Heartilly. How…how'd you know that?"

She offered him a small smile. "Quistis told me."

"Oh…oh! Right, of course!" He laughed. "Yes, she asked me to stop by and see how you were doing. Hope you don't mind, I didn't mean to just barge in here. I saw you were sleeping, didn't want to wake you. Got lost in my thoughts there for a bit."

She laughed at his addled reply. "No, it's quite alright. I wanted to thank you for all you've done for me." Rinoa felt for the small control on her bed and fingered the buttons until she found the one that turned on the light above her head.

"Come closer so I can see you," she said. He faltered a bit and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Don't worry, I'm not going to bite, I honestly couldn't now if I did," she grinned. He stepped into the light and sat down in the chair beside the bed. He certainly didn't fit the profile of a president. Instead of the stuffy black suit, this man wore a wrinkled cotton shirt un-tucked from a loose pair of khaki pants. Locks of hair hung loosely around his face while the rest was pulled back unkempt behind him. Instead of the air of 'strictly business' surrounding him there was nothing but kindness and warmth coming from his eyes. _His eyes._ Something about his eyes…struck Rinoa as being very familiar. Somehow, she couldn't place it. But she liked him already.

"You know you don't look very much like a president," she said.

"Oh thank you! That is the nicest possible compliment anyone can ever give me."

She smiled at him again, but offered no reply. She was still trying to figure out where she had seen those eyes before. This left Laguna in the awkward situation of starting a new conversation.

"So yeah I'm Laguna Loire and um…welcome to Esthar."

"Esthar huh? I used to hear stories about it. But I thought it didn't exist anymore."

"Yeah well, we were out of the 'public eye' so to speak for about 17 years. Until the whole ordeal with Ultimecia," he said careful to tread softly on that subject. "It's a spectacular city though, I'd be glad to show you around once you're feeling better."

"I'd like that," she replied.

"Yes, we've become quite the social bug now, lots of tourists flocking in. They even administered a Garden here. It began operation just last year. We will have our first SeeD graduation in another three months. There's enough hassle to keep a crazy man sane around this place." He said as he smiled. And then he remembered he stupidly mentioned SeeD to a sorceress as if it were a topic as common as the weather. _"Geez, Laguna can't you open that big mouth of yours without something wrong and hurtful coming out?"_ He shook his head.

She continued as if it didn't seem to bother her. "That's wonderful. Congratulations."

"Thank you," he said still thinking he should sit down in the floor and shove his foot into his mouth.

"So, how did you know my mother? Did you meet her at one of her concerts?"

"Oh no, this was before her singing career, back when she used to play the piano at a hotel in Deling. I was in the Galbadian army then. My friends and I would stop there and have drinks if we were in the area. Well…that is…I would _force_ them to go there with me. As I was infatuated with your mother. No, don't get me wrong, not one of those psycho infatuations, mind you. I could just sit for hours watching her play that piano of hers. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and she played the most melodious music that I had ever heard. Anyway, one night I got the courage to finally talk to her, and I discovered there was much more to her than just looks and abilities. We talked for hours. I only got to speak with her that one time however, before war dragged me half way across the world. I never forgot her or that night we talked. She was a wonderful woman, your mother."

Rinoa smiled in kind understanding. "Yes, she certainly was."

Laguna smiled in return. "You seem to be like her in so many ways."

"Now that is the nicest compliment I've ever received," she said with a saddened look in her eyes. "I wish it were true."

"Oh it is, trust me Miss Heartilly, it is."

"Just Rinoa."

He laughed. "Okay…Rinoa."

Just then, the cell phone on his hip erupted in a loud sequence of rings. He sighed. "It's just like clockwork. I hate this damn phone. Please excuse me a moment."

He pressed the receive button on the small phone. "Yes Kimberley."

"Sorry to bother you sir, Elise Vandermere is on the line for you."

"Elise? Did she say what this was regarding?" He asked…as if he didn't know.

"No sir, she just said that it's urgent business regarding Mr. Leonhart."

He sighed. He had been expecting this call. "Okay, just a moment." He turned and looked at Rinoa. "Sorry, I'm going to have to take this. I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Sure, no problem at all."

He nodded and stepped outside into the hallway, making sure that the door shut behind him. He picked up the cell phone again and cleared his throat. "Okay Kim, put her through." This was going to be difficult.

"Laguna?"

"Elise, before you say anything…I want you to know that I didn't mean what I said to Squall yesterday. It came out entirely wrong and he hung up before he gave me a chance to explain. See it's like this…I—"

"That's going to have to wait Laguna," she interrupted. "There was an incident in the training center this morning. Squall…he was wounded."

Laguna's breath caught in his throat. "Oh God…is…is he all right?"

"Yes, he'll be okay. He's resting in the infirmary now."

"What happened?"

"I haven't got all the details yet. All I know is that he went into the training center without any armor or spells and he was attacked by a blue dragon."

"What? What the hell was he thinking?"

He heard a sigh on the other end. "I'm not sure that he was. He's…he's not been feeling very well lately. I think he may be overworking himself too much." She lied to him. Elise knew the last thing that Squall would want her to do would be to share his problems with Laguna. He'd never forgive her for that.

"Do you want me to come up there?"

"No, I don't think it's a very good time right now. I just wanted you to know from a main source. Before you hear it from someone else. And to know that he's going to all right."

"Thank you Elise. It means a lot to me that you would call. I can't apologize enough to him for the other day, but I don't know if that will do any good. But know that I'm thrilled with your engagement. He's lucky to have you."

"I just want to make him happy Laguna."

"I know that you will."

"Well that's all I wanted to tell you, I'll let you get back to work. I know you've been really busy being a president and helping with the Esthar Garden at the same time. Don't work yourself too hard now."

"I'll do my best," he offered a small chuckle.

"Oh! There is one more thing. You haven't by chance seen or heard from Quistis have you? She's disappeared off to somewhere. Not one soul in Balamb knows where the hell she is."

"No, I haven't seen her. But if I happen to cross paths with her, I'll be sure to let her know she has people trying to track her down."

"Thanks again Laguna. Take care."

"I will, give Squall my best wishes for me."

"Will do. Goodbye."

"Bye."

Laguna put his head in his hands. It was shaping up to be another one of those days.


	7. Two Red Roses Across The Moon

**_Chapter Seven: Two Red Roses Across the Moon_**

When he awoke, he felt as if he had slept an eternity. He felt the softness of the sheet below him. The only sound that filled his ears was that of his own breathing. The smell of antiseptics filled his nose. He opened his eyes to see an unfamiliar windowpane. But there was no denying that the same moon was staring back at him through the glass.

The moon had always given him a sense of comfort, even when he used to stare up at it on the sandy beaches of his childhood. Even if it was nothing more than a chunk of rock littered with monsters, its light possessed a solace in the darkness of night. A quiet and empty beauty among a billion shimmering stars. But he had never really paid attention to the stars before…until seven years ago.

His mind still dulled by the drugs they had given him, he resumed the task of figuring out where he was. The enigma was solved when he tried to roll over and the pain and the memory came flooding back. It was hazy, but he remembered the dragon. He remembered being shoved into the frozen snow. He remembered being ready to die. Squall felt a pang of emotion fade in to his mind. He wasn't exactly sure what it was. Guilt, shame…disappointment. He didn't know.

He tried again to move. It was all he could do to keep from crying out as the pain engulfed his entire body as managed to roll onto his back. He used the rails alongside the bed to pull himself up into a seated position. He grimaced before opening his eyes to survey his surroundings. The first thing he saw was Elise, staring back at him. She was leaning against the wall with her arms folded across her chest.

"Hey," he croaked.

"Hey," she replied, her expression remaining unchanged. "How are you feeling?"

"Really sore."

"That's to be expected. The effects of the venom will take another twenty-four hours or so before it runs its course. Until then you will have a lot of muscle discomfort. We were able to repair the majority of the tissue damage you sustained to your back with Curaga spells, but you still needed about two hundred stitches. So there will be some scarring."

Squalls reached around with a hand and felt the bandages and tape running across his back. "Well, I guess they'll make a nice addition to the collection," he said lightly.

Elise raised an eyebrow. "I'm glad you think this is funny."

He looked into her eyes. They seemed to be burning holes through him. He tried to avoid them. "Have you been here all day?"

"Yes," she replied as she walked over to the bedside. "I've been here since yesterday."

"Yesterday?"

"That's right; you've been out for nearly twenty-eight hours now." She took a pin light out of her pocket and shined it into his eyes, interchanging from the right to the left. "Do you feel any dizziness at all?"

"What? No. Wait…you mean you've been here this whole time? Hyne Elise you don't have to stay here with me…go home and get some rest."

"Oh now you're concerned about me, that's nice," Elise said as she grabbed his wrist and placed two of her fingers over the radial artery. She looked away from him and down to her wristwatch.

"I always care about you Elise," he replied with a bit more force. "What happened today had nothing to do with you."

"Yes," she said while still keeping eyes on her watch. "I'm sure I never crossed your mind once while you were out there."

He realized unfortunately…she hadn't.

"Elise," he sighed. "I don't know what happened, I just…lost control."

"You could have lost a lot more than that Squall Leonhart," she said as she released his arm a little less than gently. Elise reached over and turned his head towards her and began feeling along the sides of his neck.

"I know," he said slowly. "I wasn't thinking."

"Your lymph nodes are swollen, some of the bacteria in the wound probably started a little infection. I'll prescribe some antibiotics for you." She walked over and wrote something down on his chart. She returned and unwrapped the stethoscope from around her shoulders, placing the ear tips into her ears. Before she could put the other end to his chest, he caught her by the hand.

"I'm sorry," he said looking at her in earnest. She turned her eyes away from him and jerked her hand from his grasp.

"Damn it look at me! What is it you want me to say?" He said exasperated.

"I'd rather you not say anything and let me do my job!" She resumed placing the diaphragm against his bare chest.

"Ow! Shit!" He yelped. "That's cold!"

"Yeah?" She replied nonchalantly. "Good. I hung it outside for a while."

"God, will you stop this and just please talk to me Elise?"

"Shut up and take a deep breath."

He gave up and complied. He couldn't reason with her when she was like this. Hell what was there to reason? He didn't fully understand it himself. How was he supposed to explain it to her?

"Again, and hold it as you exhale this time," she said as she moved the stethoscope to a different position. He did as he was told as she listened for a few more moments. "Good, all fine," she said monotonously as she pulled the device from her ears and looped it once more around her shoulders. She returned to the side table where she wrote on his chart again.

"Are we finished now?" He asked while rubbing his eyes.

She slammed the chart down on the counter top. "I don't know Squall, you tell me!" Her voice dropped its professional tone as it regained an edge of hostility. "Are we?" She was finally looking at him now. Her eyes were full of anger, sadness, and hurt.

"That's not what I meant—­." He started, before she interrupted him.

"Are you sure? Because I'm sure as hell not anymore! You made a promise to me. I've kept up my end of the bargain. I have given everything; done everything I could for you. And I want to know if you're going to honor your end Squall. Or are we just wasting our time with this?"

"Oh Hyne, now you're talking to me like you've caught me sleeping with someone else Elise. I am committed to you!"

"No! No you're not! What you're committed to is the memory of someone you refuse to let go of!"

He was silent.

"I'm right aren't I?" It was more a statement than a question.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah," she laughed bitterly while fighting back the tears. "You're always sorry. You do know that you could lose your job if the Board of Directors get wind of this. Is that what you'll say in your defense when they deem you too mentally unstable to run a Garden facility? _I'm sorry_?"

"I'm not crazy!" He yelled a bit too loudly. She gave him a look in reply. He closed his eyes. "I know I have…some problems…but it doesn't keep me from doing my job, and it doesn't stop me from caring about you!"

"So getting yourself killed is all for my benefit then? Well gee honey, how can I ever possibly thank you?" She spat. "Yeah, let's just throw it all away on a fucking whim! How stupid does a highly trained former SeeD Commander have to be to run blindly out into a battle with nothing but a weapon? I can't believe I felt guilty earlier today because you did this to yourself! I was feeling guilty for your own stupidity!" Elise said, each word rising in anger. "You lucked out this time. It was only by some miracle of chance those two cadets found you and dragged your ass out! Either the dragon would have killed you or you would have lay there face down in the goddamn snow, and froze to death!"

"Maybe then I would have known how she felt!" He yelled defensively, unaware at the hurt he had just dealt in the statement, until it came cascading down her face.

"Do you care at all how _I_ feel Squall? Do you even _know_? I'm scared Squall, I'm scared to death! Scared that this won't be the last time you'll do something like this. This guilt is going to kill you Squall, and I don't know what else to do. I'm tired. I've tried everything to help you through this." She took a shuddered breath.

"I can't fathom the guilt you feel about losing her Squall. But is that all it is? Are you throwing your life away for guilt? It's bullshit. It isn't worth it. You may not give a damn about yourself anymore, but there are people that do. I do with all of my heart. And it's not fair. It's not fair that one day I may wake up you'd be gone. Are you planning on leaving me a widower before we even get married?"

"Elise…"

"If you're going to choose the guilt over me then I don't want this," she said pulling the ring off of her finger and holding it out to him. "I love you Squall. I love you enough to want to help you through this. And I love you enough to stop standing in your way when you don't need me anymore. But I can't play second to a memory any longer. I just can't. I'm sorry. I need more than that." Finally, the sob she was holding back burst forth from her lips as she became overcome with tears.

"Come here," he said grabbing her hand and pulling her to him. She didn't resist as she fell into his embrace, her body wracked with sobs. He stroked the back of her head gently with his hand. Running his fingers along the curls of her dark auburn hair. He felt the dampness of her tears running down his shoulder. His heart ached for her, and that pain overclouded the anger he felt from her words. He hated to see what his actions alone had reduced her to. Everyone and everything he touched seem to shatter in his hands. She deserved so much more.

Squall held onto her more tightly as he whispered in her ear. "I need you Elise, I need you."

Elise didn't reply, she just held onto him. In all their time together, he had never told her that he loved her. She had accepted it. What he had just said was the closest he had ever come. Yet now, she felt the overwhelming desire to hear the words fall from his lips. So that she could grasp them in a desperate attempt to believe it. Some part of her knew he never would. She couldn't make him love her. Yet he needed her, and that was all she had right now. It was enough.

The door opened with an electronic swoosh, she quickly let go of him and wiped the tears from her face. Her face suddenly became stoic and professional. Her poker face never ceased to amaze him. She could be on her knees in a tearful fit and then she could turn around and any trace of emotion would vanish from her features. He guessed it must have been something she learned in medical school. He was admittedly good at hiding his own emotions, but it was hard to tuck them back in once they surfaced themselves.

"I've got to go finish my rounds," she stated simply. "I'll be back in a little while to check on you again."

"Alright," he said in reply. And with that, she turned and walked passed the nurse entering the room through the open doorway. Squall scooted back onto the bed as the nurse pushed a cart along the length of the room. The painkillers were making him light headed. He tried to focus on the figure coming towards him. Without a word, she sat the food tray in front of him and lifted the lid. Soup…nice.

"Um…thanks."

The old woman only scowled in reply and turned as if to walk out the door. Well, he hadn't been expecting an overwhelming response, but damn it he did write this woman's paychecks.

"Hey!"

She turned and gave him a fierce glare. He was momentarily frightened. "Um…hi."

"Can I help you with something…sir?"

"_Okay that was forced. Since when did I become the oppressing employer?_" He thought to himself. "Yeah…could I get a thing…I mean, a spoon…uh…please?"

She sighed and reached into her coat pocket and pulled out a plastic spoon wrapped in cellophane. She set it down none too easy onto the portable table and looked at him expectantly.

"Thank you."

She didn't move.

"Um…that's all I needed?"

"I'm supposed to stay here and make sure you eat something…sir."

"Oh…" he said as he unwrapped the spoon. This was irritating. Elise was really going to have to do something about her staff. The thought that she probably had something to do with this also ran through his mind. He dipped the spoon into the bowl and drank the contents. He made a face.

"Something wrong with your soup sir?"

"_You're about two **sirs** away from a pink slip lady," _he thought viciously. But instead, he replied as politely as he could. "No _ma'am_, it's just…well—

* * *

"It's cold," Rinoa stated as Quistis pulled the spoon away from her mouth.

"Really?"

She swallowed the chicken broth. "See for yourself."

Quistis took a spoonful and tasted it. She looked at the other woman with a puzzled expression. "Rin, this is really warm."

"You've got to be kidding. Tastes like it just came out of the refrigerator."

"No, no kidding, it's not scalding hot but it is warm."

"Weird…"

"Yeah it is, I'm going to speak with some of the doctors about this. See if there is something that they can do to help you with this. Probably just has to work out of your system while your body temperature readjusts."

"Guess so…it's all right anyway, I'm not hungry."

"Come on now Rinoa, you've got to eat something, you've got to build up your strength. I'll take this to the cafeteria and heat it up for you," Quistis said as she rose to her feet.

"Wait…please stay. You can go do that later. Stay and talk with me?"

"Alright, alright," she smiled. "But then you're going to try to eat something alright?"

Rinoa grinned. "Yes mom."

"Ha, ha," she replied as she sat back down. "What would you like to talk about?"

"Where everyone is, what they're doing," she paused and Quistis saw an instant of fear glaze over her eyes. Her voice was quieter this time. "Angelo…?"

The older woman smiled reassuringly at her. "Now _that_ is quite an interesting story. Angelo is doing just fine these days. In fact, she's living the good life in Galbadia now as we speak. She has done wonders for the Garden program."

"Garden?"

"Selphie took care of her after…you left. Took her back to Balamb after the war was over. She kept training and working with her. She saw such potential in Angelo that she decided to start up a program at Garden to train dogs like her for military operations."

Rinoa smiled. "Oh, wow."

"Yeah, unfortunately the board refused to fund the project. Told her it was a waste of time. But you know Selphie, she doesn't give up that easy. After her and Irvine left Balamb for Galbadia Garden, she scraped together all the funds she had to put into the program. Then when Squall became Headmaster in Balamb, he got in on the deal and helped her with the funding. It became a huge undertaking, but a very successful one. Changed all of the Gardens completely. Angelo has children as well as grandchildren dispatched all over the world in the program."

Rinoa laughed a little. "I always told that dog she would go far. I'm glad to hear she is safe though. I know…I must sound crazy getting all worked up over a dog. But she was my friend back when I didn't have any. She meant a lot to me."

"Oh of course you don't sound crazy. Friends are friends no matter how many legs they have." She gave her a wink. Though indeed she found it odd that she saw more emotion coming from her over her dog, than the parting of her only father and last living relative. Again, she went with the theory that her father's death had not become real to her yet. Perhaps it was her mind's defense that prevented her from being overcome with emotions now. Her body needed all the strength it had to recover.

"I'll have to thank Selphie for taking care of her…someday."

Quistis gave her a saddened look. "Rin, I can get on the phone and call them all right now. Selphie, Irvine, Zell…Squall. Just say the word and we can all be here for you."

Rinoa closed her eyes in pondering for a moment. "No…no. I don't want anyone to see me like this. And Squall…" She stopped for an instant. "I can't even walk to the bathroom Quistis. Hell, I can barely wiggle my fingers. I think…I think it's better this way. I miss them, but I don't want to bring back all the bad memories of that whole ordeal with Ultimecia. It's been so long. I'm sure they are leading happy lives now, and I don't want to take them from it. And I don't want to take you from your life either-"

"Don't…don't say that Rinoa," she interrupted. "I want to be here. I choose to be here. Don't ever think otherwise." She gently took the girl's hand into her own and looked her in the eyes. "You will get better. I don't know how long it will take, but it will happen. You're my friend; you were a friend to all of us. I understand you're feelings about the others seeing you like this. But I am already here and I want to help you through this. You won't have to do this alone Rinoa, I promise."

Rinoa was at a loss for words. "Thank you Quistis…thank you so much. I don't know how I will ever repay you but…" Her eyes shimmered as she gave her a small smile. "I would hug you right now if I could."

Quistis patted the top of the young woman's hand. "You'll get there, don't worry. Look how far you've come in just a short time. They've taken you off most of those machines, you're already eating food."

"Yeah, who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll graduate to Jell-O." She grinned.

"Oh ha, ha, very funny."

"Are they still together? Irvine and Selphie? They always had those sparks between them when they were together. I guess they're probably married by now huh?"

The other woman laughed. "They might as well be married. They definitely fight like a married couple. But no, they aren't. Just between you and me, I think they are both scared of commitment. They are happy though, and still love each other very much. Even amidst their squabbling. Both of them are in charge of the canine program at Galbadia. Irvine was hesitant at first, but he finally succumbed to Selphie's persistence and now he enjoys it as much as she does."

"What about Zell? Wait…let me guess…he's a martial artist instructor at one of the Gardens?"

She smiled and shook her head. "Close but no. Zell is the one that has certainly done a 360 here in the past few years. It has really shocked us all. But he left Garden, and the military altogether. He settled down in Balamb in a little house near his 'Ma.' He is teaching martial arts though, to the kids in the town."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"That's not even the kicker. He is _married_ Rinoa."

"Oh my God to who? This is Zell we are talking about right?"

"To the girl that worked in the Balamb Garden library. You remember seeing her don't you?"

The dark haired girl nodded.

"Yeah," Quistis continued. "He always had an eye for her, Alex is her name. They have two kids and another on the way. Both girls…four and two…he's desperately hoping for a son this time around," She chuckled.

"Dear Hyne, its…I mean its wonderful…I just well, never thought of him as a family man," Rinoa said dumbfounded.

"Oh don't worry, you're certainly not the only one. He's really changed though from the fiery and energetic Zell we knew before. He's calmed down a lot, but he's still the same old Zell in other ways."

"Well everyone certainly seems to be doing well for themselves."

"Yes, they are."

They were silent for a few moments.

"So…you said Squall was a headmaster now…like you?" She said tentatively, apparently nervous about bringing up the subject. Yet she could not keep it from rolling off her tongue any longer.

"That's right," Quistis replied. "He has been headmaster at Trabia Garden for about four years now. He was the headmaster at Balamb for a short time before he decided to transfer."

"Is that where he met…her?" God she didn't know why she was asking this, she really didn't want to know.

"…Yes." Quistis said hesitant herself to talk about him to her. "He met her not long after he moved there."

"She must be someone special," Rinoa said slowly. "I would have never thought he would have committed to _anyone_."

The room was quiet. Neither of them was sure of what to say.

"She's…a really nice person," The headmaster said slowly before she cursed herself inwardly. That was not the right thing to say.

"Is…is he happy?"

Quistis looked at her sadly. "Rinoa, why don't I go warm this up for you now?" She motioned to the bowl on the table beside the bed. "You really should eat something."

"I just want to know Quistis…please."

"I…I don't know, you know it's always hard to tell with Squall. It would be easier to read a book in the middle of an eclipse than try to read him at any point during a day. He wasn't for a long time after you were gone and––"

"But is he happy _now_?"

"I…yes, I guess he is. Rin let's not talk about this anymore, I don't think it will do any good right now."

Rinoa was looking off into the distance now as if she did not hear her last plea. "Well…if he's happy," she said softly. "I guess…that's all that matters."


	8. Pursuing the Horizon

**_Chapter Eight: Pursuing the Horizon _**

Rinoa stared at the plaques and certificates adoring the wall of the large and stately office. The woman certainly had her credentials. Still, she could think of a hundred other places she would rather be than in a psychiatrist's office, and an empty one at that. She sat down on the brown leather couch and toyed with the Newton's Cradle that was on the coffee table in front of her. The metallic spheres clacked against each other in a rhythmic pattern and she became entranced by their movement. So entranced that she didn't hear the door close behind her.

"Sorry to keep you waiting Miss Heartilly," the doctor said out of breath as she entered the room. "I had an emergency that I had to take care of. I apologize."

Startled out of her trance, she grabbed the apparatus on the table in a fumbling attempt to stop it. "Oh it's no problem Mrs. Westman. I haven't been waiting long," the young sorceress said. _Only twenty-five long minutes of sheer unadulterated boredom, _she thought to herself while smiling brightly at the woman as she walked behind the desk in front of her.

"Well I know for a fact that any time spent in this dull room alone can seem like an eternity. And please, call me Carrie."

"As long as you call me Rinoa," the other woman winked.

"Darn it…I did do that didn't I? Sorry, it takes me a few minutes to get out of the 'formal' mode I'm forced into when I have to speak to the medical board. They're a tough crowd, believe me."

"Yes, I am sure they are."

"Anyway, how have you been doing these past couple of weeks? How has everything been going for you since our last session?" Carrie queried as she adjusted her glasses and shuffled the paperwork in front of her.

"It's been well. Physical therapy is still keeping me busy on a daily basis. They said that I would be finished with all of that soon. So that is a relief."

"Yes, I'm sure it is. You have certainly come a long way in the two short months you've been here."

Rinoa's mind drifted back over the long weeks of endurance. It had been difficult, but she was now able to walk, and almost all her motor functions were fully restored. She remembered the day she planted her feet upon the cold tile for the first time. Quistis had been in the room with her, and she had talked her into helping her stand up. The blonde had hesitantly agreed after giving in to her ceaseless pleading. She had felt strong that day. The therapist had been coming in the room daily and helping her to exercise her leg and arm muscles. So she had made up her mind. Rinoa Heartilly was determined to walk, and damn it she was going to walk right now.

"This is a bad idea Rinoa. I really think we should wait for the professionals to help you with this." Quistis had said as she looped one of the girl's arms around her neck and lifted her up into a sitting position.

"_They take too long! Besides, it'll be fine Quistis, stop worrying. If I have to spend another day in this bed, I'm going to go crazy! I can do this…piece of cake."_ She maneuvered over to the edge of the bed with Quistis' aid.

_"Are you really sure about this? I mean, maybe it would be better to take this more slowly. You never know what might happen."_ She began lifting her up to a standing position.

_"Oh come on, where's your sense of adventure Quisty? What's the worst that could happen? I fall flat onto the floor and crack my head open. Then you never have to put up with my nagging again."_ She smiled.

Quistis blanched and looked at her horrified. _"That is not funny Rin."_

_"Oh lighten up, I'm just kidding. Now let's lift!"_

They pulled together, and suddenly she was standing again. It was an almost overwhelming feeling that nearly took her breath. She felt the accomplishment of a child who learns to come off of its hands and knees for the first time.

_"Oh God…I'm standing! I'm standing!"_ She shouted joyously. Quistis laughed and shared in her reverie while holding her tightly to keep her from falling. Now if only she could get her muscles to obey her. She looked down at her feet and concentrated. Suddenly she felt something click and her right foot lifted slightly and moved forward.

_"Ahh…I did it I did it!"_ She squealed.

_"Rinoa, this is wonderful!"_ The older woman said, tears forming in her eyes.

She lifted her head to look at her friend. And that was when it happened. She lost the sense of equilibrium. The walls stretched and the room began spinning dizzily.

_"Oh Hyne in heaven,"_ she said slowly.

_"I know it's a miracle Rinoa!"_ Quistis said, still staring down at her feet in disbelief.

"Quistis, help me back to the bed!"

_"What? Come on you're doing great Rin! Keep going!"_ Obviously, she had mistaken that her statement was something less than a demand.

"No…Quistis…really I need to sit back down…right **now**."

_"Huh? Why?"_

_"Because."_ She breathed. _"I'm going to throw up!"_

Rinoa smiled at the memory. Though there had been nothing funny about it then. But the panicked look on Quistis' face had been priceless. She did take it more slowly after that however. And now she could walk with ease. It amazed her how the simplest of actions are taken so much for granted…until they become lost. Regaining them was like no other feeling she had ever known.

"Rinoa? Are you still with me?"

She brought herself back from her thoughts. "Yes…sorry."

"Where were you just now?"

"Oh nowhere…just thinking."

"Would you like to share?"

"No, it's nothing, just remembering how far I've come."

"It is certainly an amazing accomplishment. You should be very proud of yourself."

"Well, I should be thanking you, all of you. The doctors have done so much for me here. I can't thank you enough."

"We do things to a certain extent around here, but believe me, we don't do it all. There is a major part of the healing process that is entirely left to the patient. And you have astonished us all."

"Um…thank you?"

The other woman smiled. "So where shall we begin today?"

Rinoa shrugged her shoulders. "Wherever." She found herself almost laughing at the nearly familiar statement.

"Alright. I thought we might try something new for this session, if you are willing."

"Sure…okay. What is it?"

"My biggest concern that I have had during our time together is how you are coping with your emotions. There is a lot for you to take in. And you seem to have trouble letting your feelings out. It is nothing uncommon, as many people who go through severe trauma often have these same difficulties. The 'ability' of sorts to suppress emotion is part of the bodies' own defense mechanism. It is good and necessary for a time, but then it becomes a double-edged sword. While the mind does this for the benefit of the body, at the same time it is accumulating these emotions like a dam. Unfortunately, it is an unstable structure, and it can only take one instance to send the flood over the walls. I want to help you recede some of those waters before you become overburdened with these kept up feelings. I've treated several patients who have had to deal with overwhelming emotion. It consumes them. It keeps them from functioning and leading a normal life. Does this make sense to you?"

Rinoa nodded.

"What I would like to try is a series of therapy treatments to guide and step you through this."

"What kind of therapy treatments?"

"Hypnosis. Are you familiar with it?"

"You mean like the guy with the funny moustache who sways a pocket watch back and forth and says '_you are getting sleeeepppyy'_ in a really thick accent? And then I'm going to stand up and wark like a chocobo?"

Carrie laughed. "No I'm afraid it's nothing like that."

"Thank Hyne," Rinoa said sharing a small laugh with the doctor.

"There are no pocket watches or medallions involved, and people who have been hypnotized do not lose control over their behavior. You will remain aware of who you are as well as where you are. You will not be forced to do anything you do not wish to do. All we will do with this exercise is gently resurface your experiences and help you come to terms with them."

"Alright."

"So would you be willing to give this a try then?"

"Yes. I think so."

"Great! Then let us begin."

She looked at the doctor with a bit of uneasiness.

"There's nothing to be afraid of, I promise," she said reassuringly. "You will still be in control of yourself, and we will not go anywhere you do not wish to. If it becomes too much for you to handle I will bring you out of the trance immediately. You have my word on it."

"Well…okay. Let's give it a shot."

"I would like to tape the session with your permission to review and assess your progress," she said showing her a small tape recorder.

"Yeah that's fine," Rinoa replied. Carrie stood and motioned for her to follow to a couple of plush chairs in the corner of the room. She complied and sat in the chair facing the doctor.

"Okay Rinoa. First of all, I want you to take some deep breaths. Letting the oxygen travel to every extremity of your being."

She complied. Filling her lungs with the air around her.

"I want you to close your eyes now," she continued in a soft and soothing voice. "That's good. Continue your breathing. Now, before you let go and fall into a deep hypnotic state, let yourself listen carefully to everything I am going to say to you. Hypnosis is going to happen automatically…so there is no need to think about that right now. All you need to do is focus on relaxing. You will begin to notice the muscles in and around your eyes relax all by themselves as you continue breathing. Without thinking about it, you will soon enter a deep, peaceful, hypnotic trance, without any effort at all…because there is nothing more for your conscious mind to do. There is nothing really important except the activities of your subconscious mind…And that can be just as automatic as dreaming…And you know how easily you can forget your dreams when you awaken…"

The doctor paused and saw a nod of acknowledgement from the young woman.

"Good. You are doing well Rinoa. You can let yourself relax even more and your subconscious will listen to everything I say…it keeps becoming less important now for you to consciously listen to my voice…Your subconscious mind can hear even if I whisper… You are continuing to drift into a more detached state as you examine privately in your own mind. The secrets, feelings, sensations, and behavior you didn't know you had ... At the same time, letting yourself go completely. You continue becoming more relaxed and comfortable as you sit there with your eyes closed…

As you experience that deepening comfort, you don't have to move, or talk, or let anything bother you. Imagine yourself in a place you like very much. By a lake or by the ocean…perhaps you are lying in a field of fragrant flowers on a warm, summer day. You are continuing to relax even more now…and you continue becoming more comfortable. This is your own world that you like very much. Continue enjoying this pleasant experience as your subconscious mind is receiving everything I tell you. You are now in a deep hypnotic state Rinoa. You are in a vast realm within your subconscious where you can hear nothing but the sound of my voice. How are you feeling?"

"Peaceful," Rinoa said slowly as her eyelids fluttered.

"Good. That's very good." Carrie said as she adjusted her glasses. "Now we're going to take a trip back through time Rinoa. Back to a time that may feel unpleasant, but understand that it cannot hurt you anymore. It is in the past and will have no power over you now in the present. Do you understand what I am saying to you?"

"Yes."

"That's fine. You're doing great. Okay we're going to travel back through time now. Imagine a long stretching hallway full of doors. These are doors to the past. Each door holds past memories within them. All you need do is reach out and turn the knob to access these memories. Where we are going to travel is back before you were awakened here in Esthar. The last memory you can recall before that point. Let's walk down the hallway and find that door Rinoa."

She stopped for a moment, allowing her to locate the memory. "Have you found the door now?"

"Yes."

"Okay, now slowly I want you to open the door revealing what is inside." She watched as the girl obediently reached for an imaginary doorknob and turned it. "Where are you now Rinoa?"

"I'm standing…in a desert."

"And what time of day is it?"

"It's dark."

"So it is evening or night?"

"No…there is no time."

The doctor listened to her reply with a little confusion. "Where you are now…time does not exist?"

"No."

"Have you been to this place before? Do you recognize anything or anyone familiar to you?"

"No. It's so empty. Cold. Hard…it's hard to breathe."

"Just relax, remember you are not actually here anymore. You are only visiting this place for a short time." Carrie waited until Rinoa's breathing once again became slow and even. "That's right. Now, why are you here? Is this before you were taken to the Sorceress Memorial?"

She paused for a moment. "No," she said with certainty. "After."

Now the doctor was even more perplexed. She had intended on delving into her thoughts just before she had been sealed in the memorial. This didn't sound right. "Rinoa, so you are saying that you were here after you had been frozen?"

"Yes."

It dawned on her that perhaps they had stumbled upon a dream. It would certainly explain the misplacement of time and the descriptions of a surreal landscape. "Is this a dream you had while you were in the containment chamber Rinoa?"

"I…I don't know." She was hesitating, trying hard within her mind to understand it herself.

"It's alright, it's alright. Let's leave this place for now and travel back a little further in time."

"No…I can't…I can't leave. I can't leave until I find him."

"Who are you looking for?"

Her voice became more quick and frightened. "I have to find him…he won't make it…he's going to die…I have to find him!"

"Alright, alright it's okay. You don't have to leave. Stay and find who you are looking for."

She watched as her patient went through frightful and agonized facial expressions. Carrie was uncertain what was the best course of action at this point. To let her go through this apparently frightening experiences, or bring her out the hypnosis immediately. Her intrigue was quickly overriding her sense of safety.

"What's happening now Rinoa?"

"I'm running. Oh God…this place is so endless. Squall please where are you?" She shouted. The tears were now streaming from her closed eyes. "I can feel him! He…he's fading. Squall…no…please…" Her words were becoming anguished sobs and her hands trembled violently.

"Rinoa, I'm going to bring you out of this right now. We are going to end your trance righ–"

"I see him." Rinoa said quietly.

The doctor stopped. "Where is he?"

"He's on the ground. He's not moving. I…I want to run to him but…I'm…so…scared. What if I am too late?"

"Go to him Rinoa." Hyne, she didn't know what she was saying anymore. "You won't know until you go to him."

"He…he's so pale. I touched his face. He feels so cold. _Squall. Squall can you hear me? Please wake up!_ Oh Hyne, I don't think he is breathing! Someone please help him!"

"Rinoa…"

"I won't let you go! I won't! Damn it do you here me? Open your eyes!"

"…_Please_." The last word escaped her lips in a sorrowful gasp. She was crying harshly now. Her breath coming in shaky gasps and hiccups. She appeared to have her arms around an imaginary body while she threw her own against it. Carrie decided she had to intervene right now.

When suddenly she stopped and seemingly looked up towards the sky. "Rinoa what's happening."

"The darkness is moving. I'm blinded by a bright light and…we…we're in a field."

"Do you recognize the field?"

"No…no I don't think so. I can smell flowers. I see cherry blossoms floating in the air."

"Is–…"

"His voice! I heard him say my name. He's alive! Oh Hyne in heaven he's alive! He is looking at me. He can see me_. Squall…I'm here. I've got you…don't let go._"

A sudden burst of laughter escaped from her lips.

"What's happening?"

"He is smiling at me. I've never seen him smile before…it's beautiful."

"Is he alright Rinoa?"

She nodded. "I…I think so."

The doctor found it difficult to retain her professional manner. Whatever this dream was, it was exceedingly real to this young woman. She wondered if the frozen state of sleep she had been in had manifested her dreams to appear this vivid in her mind.

Suddenly, Rinoa let out a terrifying scream.

"Rinoa?"

"I'm…being pulled away. No, don't let me leave him! Not again!" She cried in anguish.

"Rinoa I'm not–"

She looked down at her hands in a horrified expression. "I'm fading…It's getting cold again…dark…I can't see him anymore. No…please no!"

"Rinoa listen to me now. Listen to the sound of my voice. We're going to leave this place now. Do you understand?" The girl made no further movement. "Give me a sign of acknowledgement if you hear me."

After a moment, she nodded slowly.

"Good. Now, I'm going to count back from five Rinoa. At the count of one, your eyes are open, and you are fully aware. The events that you have just experienced will remain locked behind the door. You will remember this encounter only when you are ready. You're mind will know when you are ready. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Okay five, slowly and easily you are returning to your full awareness once more. Four…each muscle and nerve in your body is relaxed. Three…you are feeling emotionally calm and serene. Two…Your eyes begin to feel clear. On the next number I count, your eyelids will open and you will become fully aware, feeling calm, refreshed and relaxed. One…eyes open, fully aware now."

Rinoa took a deep breath and opened her eyes. She felt strangely calm, yet she couldn't remember what had occurred while she was asleep. She felt the dampness on her cheeks and she raised a hand and wiped away a tear from her eye. "What…happened?"

Carrie reached over to the table and handed her a tissue. "Let's talk about it next time," she said gently. "I think you've been through enough today. Why don't you head back to your room now and get some rest okay?"

"Okay," Rinoa said slowly as she stood up. "Thank you doctor."

"You're welcome," she said smiling as she extended her hand to her. Rinoa grasped it with her own and returned the smile. "I'll see you next session. You did very well today."

"Goodbye," Rinoa said as she walked out of the door and into the hallway. She rubbed her head as she made her way down the hall searching her mind for the empty minutes that had escaped her during the session somehow.

Carrie Westman returned to her desk and took the cassette tape out of the small recorder. She looked at the ceiling, going back through the events in her mind in an attempt to sort through the information she gathered from the strange dream. She flipped a pen idly between her fingers and looked back down at the tape on her desk. Carefully she wrote out a name on the label. The name Rinoa had said over and over.

Squall.

**Authors' Note: **Just a quick mention here. The hypnosis induction was adapted from a script at http/ So credit goes to them! Thanks to everyone for reading!


	9. Eternity of Tomorrow

**_Chapter Nine: Eternity of Tomorrow _**

Squall awoke to the sounds of someone in kitchen and the smell of bacon. Curious he got out of bed and stumbled through the doorway. He blinked and rubbed his eyes until they became adjusted to the light.

"Morning." Elise said glancing at him as she stirred the contents in the frying pan on the stove.

He brushed the unruly hair from his eyes with a hand. "You're up early."

"I haven't slept yet," she replied. "Had to work over my shift. I just got back about an hour ago."

"Still backed up in the infirmary?"

"Yeah, the Trabian flu caught us off guard this year. It's gotten in before we were able to give out the annual inoculations. Now it's spreading like wildfire. Nearly half the staff has come down with it. Which reminds me…did—"

"Two days ago Elise, you gave me one two days ago."

"That's right," she said rubbing her eyes with a free hand. "I'm sorry. I just can't think right now."

"Of course you can't, you're exhausted. Why haven't you gone to bed? Don't give me that stuff about cooking breakfast being a ritual for you. Because frankly my dear, it isn't." He gave her a small grin.

"I felt the sarcasm in that Leonhart," she smiled back at him. "Just for that I will burn your toast. No, I just wasn't tired after I got here. Still running on fumes I suppose, but I'll be going to bed shortly so don't fret your pretty little head darlin'."

"I'm not even going to ask why you sound like Irvine at 5 a.m."

"Probably best that you don't," the young woman replied. "I sat a plate out for you. Everything is ready, go have a seat and I'll bring it over."

Squall complied and sat down at the small kitchen table. Elise walked over and began spooning out scrambled eggs from the pan onto his plate. "You know I could get _very_ used to this," he said with a raised eyebrow.

Elise chuckled. "Nope sorry, this has very little hope of becoming a habit. Anyway, this is the only meal you'll be getting from me today, so you'd better enjoy it. You're on your own tonight for dinner."

"You have to work the night shift again? Hyne Elise, that's three nights in a row, they're going to kill you." He looked up at her with concern.

"This is the last night I promise," she said. "The regulars will be back tomorrow and I will be back to the normal hours." She sat a plate of bacon in the middle of the table and handed him a cup of coffee. "Here, I even made you coffee, how sweet am I?"

"Bless you," Squall said with a grateful tone as he took a sip. "Finally coffee that doesn't substitute for a fuel injector."

His somewhat joking comment aside he continued, "I know you have patients Elise but if you overwork yourself you're going to be no better off than them."

She looked across the table with a somber expression. "I love my job Squall. You take risks for those things Squall. It's what I have wanted to do since I was a little girl. It's very important to me. Just as yours is important to you."

A brief image passed through his mind of a person who once told him that a job wasn't everything. He shook his head slightly to clear it of the thought and took a bite of bacon.

"Have you gone over your recommendations for the pre-trial depositions yet?"

Damn it. Somehow he knew those would be the very next words out of her mouth.

He sighed. "No…I haven't."

"Squall!"

"All of that documented garbage is one big lie. They want me to omit the truth completely, just to appease all their political bullshit."

"You can lose your commission over this Squall; I think you need to take the 'political bullshit' a little more seriously!"

"I don't like being dictated on what I should and shouldn't say Elise! It was only one stupid mistake!"

"One stupid mistake that almost cost you your life. If they figured you would throw your own life around carelessly like that, what is to stop them from considering you might do the same with the students here?"

"I wouldn't do that!" He said in a raised voice. "I wouldn't put their lives in jeopardy like that. If you want to see someone who has done that, why don't you go talk to Cid Kramer? The man who puts a seventeen-year-old kid in charge of the Garden while he goes running off to God knows where! So excuse me if I see my crime of walking into a training center a little less severe than that. Not to mention he was awarded a Medal of Honor and there was not the slightest mention of a trial. Not that he gave them much of a chance to do so as he took his resignation from Balamb soon after that."

Squall couldn't help feeling resentful towards the man. Yes, he had done a lot for him while he was at Balamb. Yet there were also the things he didn't do. The things he could have stopped. If he had told them the truth from the beginning…If Edea hadn't passed her powers…If he had never sent him on the mission with the Forest Owls…These things ran circles in his mind on almost a daily basis.

"This isn't about Cid, no one said any of this was fair. But you're going to have to take action and fight for your position Squall, you've worked too hard to get here just to give it up!"

A small part of him, unbeknown to him at the time, silently wanted to give it up.

"Can we change the subject please?"

"The preliminary hearing is in one week Squall…and the trial is only two months away."

"Please Elise! I don't want to talk about this right now!" He said angrily.

The smoldering look in his eyes told her not to push this matter any farther; she realized it would do more harm than good. She sighed heavily. "Fine….fine."

There was a long chain of minutes that passed between them as they ate their breakfast in silence.

Elise was the first to speak up again. "Are you excited about the graduation in Esthar tomorrow night?"

He shrugged and took another drink of coffee. "Much as anyone can be I guess. It's a graduation…whoopee. I've seen them before."

She looked back down at her plate. "Well, I thought you might be. You helped establish that Garden, it's an accomplishment to be proud of."

Squall merely grunted in reply. "I guess."

She looked at him, seeing his eyes gazing past her and into the distance. His thoughts obviously so far away they were on a different planet. "Did you call and remind Zell and Alex?"

"Yeah I did. He said they would be there. They're going to arrive in Esthar on the 9 a.m. flight. He wants to take us to a late lunch somewhere in Esthar. He said it would be a late engagement present."

"He's such a sweetheart."

"Yeah, sweet. You don't know him like I do. He will conveniently forget to bring his wallet. You wait and see."

"Oh you're terrible! Squall you don't mean that."

The corners of his lips turned upward slightly. "No. He's a good guy. An annoying pain in the ass sometimes, but a good guy."

Elise giggled. "There's a soft heart underneath that cold exterior Squall Leonhart, and I'm afraid it is becoming harder to hide with age."

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"It'll be great to see your friends again, it's been so long since you've all been in the same room together. Speaking of which, have you touched base with Quistis on the ceremony events?"

"No. I'm assuming she knows. I've barely spoken to her in two months. Ever since she ran off to see her 'sick friend' without telling anyone, she's rarely been back to Garden. I don't know what's going on with her."

"You don't think she's lying do you?"

"Lying…no…it's more like she isn't telling the whole truth. She's just not herself. And since when have any of us had time to make friends out of Garden?"

"Maybe it's a friend from her childhood."

"Possibly. But I would think a friend that close that she rushes off in the middle of the night to see about them, she would have mentioned to someone."

Elise raised an eyebrow and grinned. "Maybe she found herself a man."

"Now _that_ would be something."

"Squall…that isn't nice!"

"No, I didn't mean it like that. It's just her love life is somewhat of an enigma to everyone. Does she talk about her relationships with you?"

"Well…no."

"Exactly. She doesn't. Not even with Selphie or Xu. So apparently none of them have ever been that serious."

Though in the back of his mind it did make more sense to him than all of this elusiveness, being centered around a sick friend that none of them knew. Suddenly it didn't seem like such an oddity anymore.

"Well whatever the case," Elise continued. "Quistis has always been so caring about everyone, to me that isn't so odd for her. Perhaps her friend or whoever has no one else. It's hard to overcome an illness when you're alone."

"Yeah…I guess you're right. I was going to try and call her before I left this morning. She may already be in Esthar though. I'll try to reach her on the cell phone number she gave me."

"Okay, I'm going to go take a shower and get whatever sleep I can," Elise said as she got up and walked around the table until she stood behind his chair. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm looking forward to tomorrow night you know. I'm going to get you out on that dance floor yet and show you how to dance."

Squall turned his head and looked up at her over his shoulder. "Yeah good luck with that one," he said.

"Oh, I don't need luck. I am relentless," she laughed and started to walk away. "I'll try and talk to you later this afternoon sometime. I'll come by the office if I can."

"Alright," he replied with a wave of his hand. "Take care."

"You too."

He sighed and stared down at the empty plate in front of him as she vanished through the dark bedroom. He never told her that he couldn't dance. He just told her that he wouldn't. And he meant it. No one would get him to dance…ever again.

* * *

The streets of Esthar were buzzing with life as the sun sank below the desert, filling the sky with a wide kaleidoscope of colors. Rinoa walked along the sidewalk gazing in fascination at the incredible city and enjoying the company of her walking companion. Her hair was pulled up and tucked underneath a blue cap and a pair of tinted glasses shielded her eyes. Though it was doubtful that anyone here even knew or remembered her name, it was too risky to take chances.

She was dressed in unseasonably warm clothes for the late summer season. The doctors had told her there was nothing they could do for her sensitivity to cold. They had tried everything they could. Now she had to stay out of below freezing temperatures and dress warmly. It was possible in time that her body would regulate itself. Until then it was just something that she would have to adjust to. A small price to pay she considered from being brought back from the dead so to speak. She turned to the man beside her and smiled as she watched him gaze dreamily at the orange and purple sky above them.

"I can't believe you can just walk around wherever you want without some sort of security stalking your every move and dog piling anyone who looks at you funny." She smiled.

Laguna laughed. "Well, after you've been president of a country for so long…they tend to stop worrying about you. Ward and Kiros used to walk around with me everywhere, but even they got tired of it. So I'm allowed free non-surveillance roaming here in the city. Most everyone living here is a native anyway. And hell if I know why, but they seem to like me."

"Well I don't see that as a hard thing at all Laguna. You've got one of those likeable personalities."

"Think so? Odd, considering the term I've served, I'm more of a dictator than a president." He chuckled. "Guess I will be remembered as the nicest dictator in history."

"So they don't hold any elections here then?"

His face became a little more serious. "No, these people are afraid of change. And they've passed that fear on to their children. They are still too scarred from their first taste of change. The first Sorceress War still clings to their minds like a five o' clock shadow. I can't say that I really blame them. It was a bad time."

Rinoa nodded in silence, a far away look on her face. He decided to move passed that topic quickly as he continued.

"I mean I would gladly step down. God knows I could use a break. They seem intent on me staying though. But to tell you the truth I wouldn't know what to do if I did get to retire, I've been doing this so long."

She looped her arm around his and smiled. "I think you're a wonderful president."

"Ha! Alright who's paying you to say that?" He winked. "I'll double it."

She responded with that child-like laugh that tugged at his soul. He looked down at the girl who was now leaning her head against his shoulder. He could not suppress the smile that rose from the corners of his mouth. During the months he had gotten to know her, he had developed a parental bond to her. He began to think of her as his own daughter. It wasn't something he intended, it was just something he couldn't help. It was if the gods had seen fit to give him another chance to be a father. It was a wondrous feeling. And he would be damned before he would screw it up again.

"So you haven't told me what you think of our city. I'm required to ask you by law, as you have never been here before. Your comments shall be logged into a database viewed by the city council so they may make any necessary improvements…blah, blah, blah."

Rinoa laughed softly as she shook her head. "So many duties you must have around here Laguna you have to be a president and a tour guide too. But your city is absolutely gorgeous. I've never seen anything like it in my entire life. I can see why the people here would want to keep it to themselves for so long." She gazed along at the shimmering walkway ahead of them. "It truly is beautiful. Of course, I've got to say, that _any_where is beautiful outside of that hospital room."

"Yeah. You're glad to be out of there huh?"

"Ecstatic. God, it feels like it's been an eternity since I've seen the sun from the outside."

"Yeah. I like to get outside if only for a few minutes every day. Being indoors for hours and hours on end everyday can definitely get to you."

She nodded and a few minutes of silence passed between them as they both took to taking in the sights and sounds of Esthar. She looked out into the distance at the faint lights that cast a warm glow about a mile away from the city. Rinoa suddenly stopped in her tracks.

"Is that Esthar Garden?"

"Hmm?" Laguna said coming up behind her. "Oh yeah, that's it. That group of lights out there."

"Guess everyone is anxious for the first graduation tomorrow."

"Yeah, I would think so. I'm kind of excited about it myself. The Gardens offer such a broad horizon of opportunities for the kids. They get a sense of direction there. I'm glad to see one of the facilities here now."

"Are…the celebrations still opened to the public?"

He nodded. "Yes, I'm guessing there will be a big turn out for it." They continued walking until they reached the palace steps. Laguna had provided accommodations for the young woman after her release from the hospital. He didn't know what her plans were going to be. She hadn't mentioned any, so he thought perhaps there were none. And as time passed, he hoped he could help her make a home for herself in Esthar where he knew she could be safe.

"I had a great time Laguna, thank you again for everything," She smiled and wrapped her arms around him in a hug.

"The pleasure was all mine kiddo," he replied returning the embrace. "Anytime you need a tour guide, just let me know."

"Yes sir, Mr. President." She laughed as she turned to leave. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow night. You will save a dance for me won't you?"

"Of course." He replied before the bells and whistles started going off in his mind. "Wait…hold on. You…you're not going to the graduation…are you?"

She stopped and turned. "Maybe."

"Rinoa no…no that isn't a good idea. Their will be people there that will recognize you…it would be very dangerous and…"

She walked up to him and touched his shoulder gently. The look in her eyes was sincere and honest. "Laguna, don't worry okay? I'm not going to hurt him."

"Him? But…"

"You know Squall's really lucky to have you in his life. Whatever the reason you weren't there before…I'm glad you are there now." She smiled.

"Well yeah it would be nice if it was like that. But Squall is stubborn as hell and I can't seem to get through to him no matter…" Then realization hit him…he had never told her he was Squall's father.

"Oh Hyne, how in the world did you know? Damn, I never was very good at hiding things! Did someone…"

He looked up to question her…but she had already gone inside.

Laguna shook his head. How could she have known? Was he really that transparent? Oh shit…she said she was going to the graduation. He had to reason with her…he had to talk her out of it…

He had to find someone else to do it.

He burst through the entrance and headed in the opposite direction Rinoa had gone. They were going to have to talk some sense into that girl. There was only one person he could think of that might stand a chance.

"Quistis!" He yelled down the hallway. "Quistis! Where are you?"

* * *

Quistis stuck her head out of the suite door to see Laguna running frantically down the hallway. "Sorry Squall," she said into the cell phone. "I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow night." She pressed the end button and stepped out into the hallway.

Rinoa stared out the window in a daze of thoughts. Her soul was light and jittery. She had been waiting for this chance, planning it since she learned he was going to be there. The feelings she had for him were as strong now as they were seven years ago. He remained a part of herself. Something she couldn't just 'let go' of without a second thought. She had to see him again. Quistis had told her he was happy, but she wanted to see it with her own eyes…if just for a moment. She was also curious about this woman he was with now. His…fiancée. How could she possibly see what Rinoa saw in him? Did this woman care as she had for him? A care deep enough to see beyond that steel barrier he had raised around his heart. Or maybe she had other intentions with him. It was something she wanted to find out.

She sighed as she looked up at the sky. The problem with Esthar was its lights. The lights of the city were so bright, that they drowned the stars from the sky. She missed seeing the stars. A thought crossed her mind that maybe tomorrow…if the two of them met…by chance, it could be just like the first time. She would walk up to him and ask him to dance. Maybe…they could start all over again. The thought lifted the corners of her mouth into a smile.

A frantic knock on the door jostled her out of her daydream. Rinoa walked over to the door and looked through the keyhole. It was Quistis. She knew exactly why she was here. Laguna had told her and now she was here to talk some sense into her. She hadn't meant to tell Laguna or anyone for that matter about her plan. But somehow, she felt it would be better if they knew. Quistis was her dearest friend. Laguna was his father. He had become like a father to her in the few months she had known him. She didn't want to hide anything from them. And maybe it was for the reassurance too. Just incase…something went wrong.

She unlatched the lock and opened the door with a cheery smile. "Hey Quistis!"

Quistis didn't return the smile, but rather looked at her with a mixture of concern and sadness. "Rinoa…we need to talk."

"Sure come on in." Rinoa said opening the door and ignoring the grave tone of the other woman's voice. "You want something to drink? It's amazing how much these little brown refrigerators hold isn't it?" She opened the small room refrigerator and took out a can of soda.

"Is it true Rinoa?"

"Oh yeah, I can get six cans of soda, a bottle of water, and a leftover container of potato salad in this baby, check it out!"

"This is no time for games." Quistis shook her head. "You know good and well what I'm talking about."

"Oh don't make such a fuss over this." The other woman said as she pulled back the tab on the can of soda. "It's not that big of a deal. Here have a soda. I can't drink the ones from the fridge it's way too cold. But I always keep some cold for company. Ahh! Hurry up and take this before I have to drop it!"

She took the drink from her shaking hand and sat it on top of the dresser beside them. "It's dangerous Rinoa. Someone there might recognize you…someone who is _not_ a friend."

"Stop worrying, I'm not going to be drawing attention to myself. No one will even know I'm there. Look, I've been cooped up in this place for what has felt like an eternity. I just want to get out and do a little socializing. I'm going crazy here. I need to get out into the world again. I'm a social creature Quisty…I require mingling." Rinoa laughed and hit the other woman playfully on the shoulder. "Relax, I'll be fine."

"You're going to see him, aren't you?"

She didn't reply.

"Rin…he's not the same. Situations aren't the same. You can't just walk in and expect to magically turn back the time and make things like they were before." Or could she? Quistis' mind was racing. A part of her wanted Rinoa to do this. To go to Squall…let him know she was alive. Maybe it would be the best thing for both of them. But the logical side of her mind won over. There were others involved in this. It was inevitable someone would be hurt in this. And seeing where the other stood now, she feared that someone would be Rinoa.

"I'm afraid you're going to get hurt Rinoa." She said voicing her thoughts. "I just don't think you're ready for this."

"I'll be okay. I will take the greatest care. I need…I need to see him again. Please try to understand. I can't stop thinking about him. I just want to know if he is okay. I would _never_ take him away from his happiness."

The instructor's eyes shimmered in the dimly lit room. She shook her head in defeat. "I can see there isn't anything I can say to change your mind about this." She walked over to her, placed her hands on the young woman's shoulders, and looked into her dark brown eyes. "Just _promise_ me you'll be careful. _Please."_

Rinoa placed a hand on Quistis' own and smiled reassuringly.

"You have my word."


	10. Dancing on the Stage of Memory

_**Chapter Ten: Dancing on the Stage of Memory **_

The music swelled to a climatic chord as the waltzing couples glided beneath the soft glow of the chandeliers. The ballroom was alive with conversation and laughter. The new Esthar Garden graduates walked with their heads held high wearing their newly acquired uniforms. The stars sparkled down from the glass roof. There was a certain magical feeling of excitement in the air. It felt just as he remembered it.

He wished he could get the hell out of there.

Squall turned up his glass and took another hard swallow of gin and tonic. He wasn't prepared for the uncomfortable feeling that overwhelmed him. The familiarity of the ballroom…the place where it resided. It felt like ages since he set foot on Estharian soil. He had felt his heart constrict painfully in his chest the moment he stepped off the plane and looked out across the red sand of the desert.

He wanted to run back up the exit ramp right then. But he held back. He had convinced himself that things would be better once he got into the city. One could easily forget their troubles beneath the huge structures and streaming lights of Esthar. It managed to work for a time. He began to relax and enjoy himself at lunch with Elise, Zell, and Alex. He even managed to joke around and laugh a bit. After the meal he had taken Zell aside and used the opportunity to return a favor to his old friend, and maybe get some advice on how to get through this mess.

_"I want to ask you something."_

_"Sure! S'up?"_

_"I was wondering if…you'd be my best man. I had to find someone and in all honesty I can't think of anyone else I would rather ask and…Stop looking at me like that! Having kids has really made you soft, you know that?"_

_"Aww c'mere you!"_ Zell had taken him by surprise and wrapped his arms around him in a tight hug. 

_"Zell…let go damn it…don't hug me in public."_

_"Ah now c'mon…you can't hide behind the attitude now bro! And yes, I'd be honored to be best man at your wedding Squall."_

_"I'm having second thoughts…"_

The blond haired man laughed. _"Sorry, too late! No take backs. And I'm not gonna let go of you till I get a hug in return."_

Squall patted him on the back with a reluctant hand. _"Okay, now let go!"_ He said as he tried to pry him off.

_"Fine, fine."_ Zell let go of him. He wiped one of his hands on his pant leg before extending it in a friendly gesture. _"Put 'er there then Mr. Formal."_

Squall shook his head and smiled. Some things always remained constant. Even though Zell had given up his life at Garden, he was still the same old Zell. Though he had matured, he never lost his sense of youth. It was one reason he made such a good father. The martial artist remained a constant in his life and he found comfort in the constants, for they were few and far between. He reached and took his hand in acceptance. Something he denied in his younger days. _"Thank you, Zell…I really appreciate—"_

He didn't get to complete his sentence as suddenly Zell jerked his arm and flipped him into the air. In an instant he was lying flat on his back with the breath knocked from his lungs and a look of shock on his face.

_"Ha!"_ Zell barked. _"That's for calling me soft!"_

_"You…are so dead Dincht."_

_"Sure, sure. But I know they didn't let you take your weapon on the plane. So you're gonna have a tough time overtaking me without your butter knife."_ He followed his statement with a little shuffle of his feet.

_"Oh…I won't need a gunblade…I'll just lock you in a room with a highly caffeinated Selphie Tilmitt and a very drunk __Irvine__ Kinneas. Both…at the same time."_

_"Now that would be cruel!"_ He laughed as he helped the headmaster to his feet. _"Almost as worse a fate as the one we will suffer if we keep the women waiting any longer."_

_"You're probably right."_

_"Besides, won't Alex be shocked when I tell her I am officially the 'best man.' Something I've been trying to tell her for years."_ He winked.

"_Uh Zell…don't mention anything in front of Elise okay? I…don't want her to know yet."_

_"What? Why?"_

_"Just…don't. All right? I'll tell her later."_

_"Squall…what's wrong man?"_

_"No, nothing. Let's just get out of here."_

Zell didn't say anything, and he was grateful. He would have to explain later, somehow. He just didn't know anymore if he was ready to go ahead with this. The feelings he was having here were a clear indication that perhaps he wasn't. He didn't want to give her an indication that he was ready to move ahead on this yet. Squall knew if he did, t would be a whirlwind rush after that. He would be married before he had a chance to turn around. That he knew he wasn't prepared for. He was also aware of what dragging the time out was doing to Elise. He had seen doubt pass through her eyes. He knew she wouldn't wait forever.

He took a second gin and tonic from a passing tray, switching his empty glass for a full one. He drank it slowly, allowing the alcohol to burn on the way down. It was the only thing he had to hold on to at the moment. He had been left alone while Elise went to the restroom. He felt lost amidst the crowd. Sure, he could most likely find a familiar face…but he had no idea what to say to them.

A force running into him from behind threw him forward a few steps and spilled the liquid contents of the glass onto his uniform. "_Damn clumsy kids,"_ he thought to himself as he turned around angrily with intent to yell at them. But he was quickly cut short of words as he saw the figure in front of him slowly getting up off the floor.

"Oh Hyne, I am so sorry! This place is so darn crowded." He reached into his pocket. "Here let me get that." He removed a handkerchief from his pocket and held it out to him. When he looked up, he was immediately paralyzed as he realized whom he had just run into.

The older man swallowed hard. "Squ…Squall."

"Laguna."

"I'm…really sorry. Here, take this."

"No, its fine." Squall said as he brushed the liquid from his jacket. "It's nothing."

Several agonizing moments of uncomfortable silence passed between the two men as they looked at each other, both searching for the right thing to say.

"So…things been going well for you?"

"Yeah…fine."

"Did Elise come with you?"

"She's in the restroom."

"I see."

Laguna's mind was spinning with words. None of which seemed appropriate to him. The phrase 'I'm sorry' did nothing to ease the wrong he had done his son in the past, and he had no idea what would happen tonight. But they were the only words he could think of.

"Squall…I just want to say that I'm sor—"

"President Loire! Can we get a photo or two of you with some of the graduates?" He looked over to the news reporter holding a camera and smiling cheerfully. He nodded and then turned back to Squall.

"I…" Laguna faltered. He reached up and put a hand on the young man's shoulder. "Excuse me, son." And he walked off without another word. Kicking himself in the head mentally the entire way.

Squall watched him disappear through the crowd feeling a combination of anger and relief. Anger, that he never finished what he was going to say. Relieved that he didn't get to, as he probably wouldn't have stood hearing his pleas of forgiveness yet one more time. The man hadn't been trying very hard lately however. This was the first time they had spoken since he had hung up the phone on him a few months ago. Maybe he was giving up on this father/son relationship too. He wasn't sure how to feel about that. The headmaster stared at the glass in his hand for a moment and raised a hand to get the attention of the drink waiter a few feet away.

* * *

Quistis looked around the room nervously. Why did she agree to let her go through with this? There were so many outcomes to this situation…the majority of them bad. She wrung her hands in anticipation. Maybe she should do something…but what? Go back to the palace and talk Rinoa out of this? Tell Squall the truth? Hell, maybe she should just go tell—"

"Hey Quistis!"

"Elise!" She said a little over excitedly. "Hi!" She watched the doctor as she approached. Oh God it was going to be a long night.

"Hi yourself! How the heck have you been?" Elise reached around to give the taller woman a hug.

"Great. How about yourself?"

"Insanely busy." She groaned. "I think I can count the hours of sleep I've had this week on one hand."

"Job keeping you on your toes is it?"

"Ugh, you have no idea."

"Well I'm sure this is a nice little break for the two of you. Esthar could be a very relaxing place if the lights went off once in a while."

Elise laughed. "Yes I agree completely. Have you been here long? Squall and I spent most of the day here with Zell and Alexandra. They took us out to lunch."

"I arrived this afternoon," Quistis lied. "Haven't had much time for anything except throwing my bags in the hotel room and running over here."

"Maybe we can all go out and do something tomorrow morning before everyone has to leave."

"Yeah, that'd be great."

"_If we are still on speaking terms,"_ she thought to herself.

"So…" the young doctor looked at her slyly. "You going to spill the beans to me about this so called 'friend' of yours hmm? Someone perhaps _more _than a friend?" She elbowed the blonde and winked.

"Huh?" She replied confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh come on Quisty! We all know something is up! You've even piqued Squall's interest…which is not an easy task. So fess up! You got a guy stashed away somewhere?"

"What? No! I told Squall what was going on. It was the truth. My friend…was really bad off. The doctors were not even sure they'd make it through the night. So I went and stayed until they were out of the woods. And well, I've just been around for them since…just being there. Helping them get back on their feet you know?"

"Oh fine, don't tell me," she grinned. "But I have my ways of finding things out deary."

"Honestly, there's nothing to hide." Quistis hoped Elise couldn't see the sweat she could feel running slowly down from her left temple. "So where's Squall?"

"Oh I left him over there while I went to the bathroom," Elise said pointing in his direction. "He would be that lone wallflower over there leaning against the wall." The smile faded from her lips. "The one drinking like a fish."

"Drinking?"

"Yeah…he's been having problems with that again lately." She shook her head. "I'd better go over there and stop him before he ends up in the training center again chasing ghosts."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh…just. Well when he had the accident…he…was distracted because…because he thought he saw _her _in the training center."

Quistis' eyes opened wide in surprise.

"Yeah…I know. Crazy huh? Well, I'm going to go over there and get the glass out of his hand before I end up carrying him home. I'll see you in a bit Quistis."

"Okay," She replied, not really hearing her entire statement. She was still stuck on what she had told her just before. She looked across the room at Squall who had a blank stare in his eyes as he turned up the glass and swallowed the rest of the contents. Perhaps she had been wrong. Maybe things were not as they seemed with him before. Maybe she wasn't the only liar in the room tonight.

* * *

She stared at herself in the full-length mirror. The dress she was wearing was trimmed down to her feet. Indeed it was longer than the one she had worn that night, but she had to give herself credit for being able to find one of the same color. It was sleeveless and she was freezing. Or maybe it was just her nerves…most likely a little of both. Rinoa turned to the side and smoothed down the waist of the dress. It was a bit of a loose fit. She seemed to be a size smaller than she remembered. Too late to exchange it now though, it would have to do.

She grabbed a brush from the nightstand and began brushing her hair for the ninth time that night. _"Why am I so nervous about this?" _She thought to herself. _"It's just a dance right?"_ Her attempt to reassure herself did little to quell the pounding of her heart and the trembling of her hands. She had no idea what she could say, but maybe words wouldn't be necessary. Things would just…fall into place.

_"He's not the same. Situations aren't the same. You can't just walk in and expect to magically turn back the time and make things like they were before."_

Quistis' voice echoed in the back of her mind. Some part of her knew she was right. There was a voice and a reasoning inside of her that was older than her seventeen years. A voice that told her this wouldn't be right. Just strolling back into his life wouldn't be right. It was complicated and it couldn't be done without hurting someone, or everyone, including herself.

So why then was she still getting ready to walk out the door?

"I just…want to know if he's okay." She told the reflection in the mirror. "I would never do anything to hurt him. Seeing him again, there was no harm in that. Everything would be fine.

With the doubt now silent in defeat, she wrapped a shawl around her shoulders, holding it tightly in one hand. She looked around the room one last time as a smile slowly formed on her face. She couldn't back down now. Rinoa Heartilly had waited too long for this.

* * *

Alex Dincht looked around the room and sighed. "Remind me again Zell why I let you talk me into coming here?"

"Oh come on Alex! It's a weekend away from the kids, just the two of us. Seventy-two precious hours of relaxation, how could you _not _enjoy this?" He smiled at his wife as he took another bite of his hotdog.

"Well maybe _you_ are relaxing. You're forgetting I have to carry one around with me for those seventy-two hours of relaxation. The baby is an aspiring cancan dancer, my feet are killing me, and look at all these beautiful women in here with their size five dresses. God I feel so fat."

"You kidding? You're the most gorgeous woman in this room. And I'll kick the ass of any guy who tells me different."

She leaned onto the table and rested her head in one hand. "That's really sweet Zell, but don't try to appease my raging hormones right now…I may be forced to bite your head off."

"Yes ma'am." He mock saluted and laughed. Zell stood and walked over to her side of the table and offered her a hand. "Would you care to dance then big mama?" She took his hands in response as he helped her to her feet.

"Alright…but I swear if you call me that one more time you will be hitchhiking back to Balamb, is that clear?" She threatened as they made their way out to the dance floor.

"Crystal!"

He put a hand around her waist and took her hand in his other as they began moving slowly to the music.

"Been a long day hasn't it?"

"Yeah." She leaned into him tiredly.

"I'm sorry. I wouldn't have done this if Squall hadn't asked. I mean I could care less about Garden anymore. But…he's my friend. I wanna be there for him."

Alex looked at him with a sly smile. "You sure the free hotdog buffet didn't have something to do with it as well?"

"No…absolutely not. They could be serving something nasty like fastitocalon caviar for all I care."

She reached up and wiped a bit of mustard from the corner of his mouth. "Whatever you say dear. The evident nine hotdogs in your stomach tell me different though."

"Hey I brought all those to the table for you! You're eating for two you know. Gotta get my boy eating right from the start!"

She laughed. "You are so sure aren't you?"

"Absolutely. I've got a feeling."

"Yeah…you had that feeling last time and the time before that too."

"But this one is special. Third time's the charm."

"Well, just don't be surprised if the charm comes out like the other two."

"Oh well," he said as he smiled widely. "There's always next time."

"Sweetie I hate to break it to you," she chuckled. "But this is your last chance."

"Aww…you mean you're not gonna stay barefoot and pregnant?" He stuck his lip out in a pout.

"Dream on buddy."

Zell looked out across the room as they danced. He spotted Squall leaning against the far wall near the balcony door. His face looked empty and stoic. It wasn't the same face that was having lunch with them earlier. Something wasn't right. Squall was keeping something.

"Alex?"

"Hmm?"

"Squall asked me to be his best man."

"What? When?"

"Today at the restaurant. He told me not to say anything in front of Elise."

Alex looked up at him with a confused expression. "That seems kind of odd."

"Yeah I know. I think he might be stalling. Maybe he isn't as certain about this as he would have us believe."

"Why would he go through with this if he had doubts?"

_"Maybe to run from the past,"_ he thought to himself. He looked back to her. "I don't know. But I'm going to talk to him."

* * *

Elise made her way through the crowd to where he was standing. Squall turned up his drink and saw her standing in front of him.

He swallowed. "That was a long trip. What did you do? Walk all the way back to Esthar?"

"No, just ran into people on the way back in. I talked to Quistis."

"Oh? So she was able to take time out of her busy schedule. How nice."

"Squall…I think you've had enough to drink."

"I'm fine. And anyway, I think Laguna is picking up the tab for this gala. So bottoms up." He followed up his statement by emptying the remains of the glass.

"Did you see him?"

"We ran into each other."

"Well…what did you say?"

"Not much of anything."

"Squall…"

"Hey you two! How's it going?" Zell said as he and Alex approached them.

Elise put on a smile. "Hey! Wow Zell you clean up nice."

"You might want to take a picture." Alex said. "It's extremely rare."

"Hey…that's not fair…I'll have you know I shower!"

"Is Zell's personal hygiene the topic of conversation this evening? I have a few notable accounts that I can share." Quistis smiled as she joined the group.

"Squall…help me out here. The women are ganging up on me."

Squall looked up from the floor. "Huh? I'm sorry…what?"

"You okay?"

He didn't have time to answer before a loud screech interrupted his train of thought.

"Oh my gosh there they are! Hi you guys!" Selphie came bounding across the room dragging Irvine by the hand behind her.

"Really knows how to make a subtle entrance doesn't she?" Zell said. He was answered with a poke in the ribs from his wife. "Ow!"

"Oh wow it's so great to see you all!" Selphie said as she made her way around, giving each of them a hug. Irvine was still trying to catch his breath.

"Look at this! The gang's all here again under the same roof!"

No one caught the flash of sadness that passed briefly through Squall's eyes.

"Oh look at you Alex! You look fantastic! How many months are you now?"

"Seven months, 29 days, and counting." She replied with a groan. "I've got it down to milliseconds, but I don't want to bore you."

"You poor thing! Shame on you Zell for making her walk around in a hot room like this! C'mon, I'll help you over to a table. I wanna know all about the kids." With that she practically dragged the woman across the floor out of site of the rest of them.

"Well, I actually _do _feel sorry for her now." Zell commented. "How much coffee did she have on the airplane?"

"Had…to run…up…three huge…flights…of stairs…she said there was…no time to take…the elevator." Irvine wheezed from underneath his black cowboy hat, he was still leaning over with one hand resting on his knee.

"Awww, what's the matter Irvy? Out of shape?"

The blonde haired man immediately received the finger in response. Which got a laugh from everyone in the group, save for one who was still lost in his own thoughts. After another couple of moments, Irvine stood up and removed his hat to the two remaining women.

"My but you two ladies look lovely this evening. Can't say much for the company you keep…but I won't hold that against you."

"Hey!"

"Oh relax Zell I'm only joking. You're quite a lovely girl yourself."

"Well thank—hey! I'm not a girl!"

"Yes, thank Hyne for that." Irvine laughed. It was immediate to fall into routine when they all were together. It was like a second nature. As if they had never been apart.

"And how are you this evening headmaster-groom-to-be?"

"Fine." Squall replied softly, his eyes never leaving the floor.

"He's…had quite a bit to drink this evening." Elise said.

The rest of them looked at him with concern. He looked up for a moment at their expressions and then turned to his fiancée. "Elise I'd appreciate you not telling everyone what is none of their business."

Elise shook her head. "Everyone, please excuse me for minute." Then she stormed off without another word, leaving the rest of them in an uncomfortable silence.

"Uh…say Quisty, would you like to dance?"

Quistis took another look at Squall before answering. "Yeah sure Irvine, that'd be great." She took his hand as they too disappeared through the crowd. Zell walked over and leaned against the wall alongside his friend.

"What the hell is going on Squall? Where's all of this attitude coming from? You seemed fine today."

"Take a look around Zell. What do you think is wrong with me? Look at where we are."

The young man closed his eyes and nodded. "I know…I know. You're preaching to the choir man. I miss her too. We all do. But is that all that's bothering you?"

Squall turned and looked at him. "What do you mean?"

"I mean…why haven't you set a date for your wedding Squall? Why all this secrecy from Elise? And why in Bahamut's name are you drinking again?"

"Things are complicated now Zell. I've got a lot on my mind. I don't have time to worry about rushing around for a wedding."

"Yeah, well I might buy that if this hadn't been going on for a year now. Not counting the six months you waited to give her the ring. At first, I thought it might be just your jobs being in the way. I even thought as far as it's just you being afraid of commitment. But it's been going on too long even for that. I don't know what to think anymore. So why don't you tell me?"

"Why don't you just go away?"

"I know it's none of my business. But I just think you should reevaluate why you're marrying her that's all. If you're doing this just to prove something then you'll end up miserable, and you'll make her miserable too." He patted him on the shoulder and began to walk off. He turned and looked at him once more. "You know…not all of us have given up on Rinoa."

Squall watched him walk away. The anger was rising in the back of his throat and he felt like he wanted to yell. When did Zell ever consider himself an expert on _his_ life and _his_ reasoning? Did marriage automatically turn you into a relationship therapist? He got enough of the therapist shit from Elise. It was the last thing he needed from the only other people in his life he could turn to.

Hyne, he had to get out of here. He had to get some air.

He turned and pushed through the balcony doors. His heavy footsteps echoed on the concrete as he made his way to the ledge. Squall leaned against the railing and looked out across the darkness. The stars seemed brighter than ever tonight. He tried not to look at them…but it was as if his eyes were magnetically drawn to their soft glow. Silently he wondered what the chances were of him seeing a shooting star tonight.

As if on cue, one blazed through the sky right before his eyes. He nearly choked with sadness as he covered his face with one of his hands. His thoughts were still spinning with the reality that maybe Zell had been more right than he would like to admit.

* * *

As she made her way into the entrance, she wondered how she would ever be able to find him in this crowd. After a few minutes of looking, she was beginning to wonder if he was even here. Her mind silently weighed the good and the bad of that thought. She spotted Quistis to her left dancing with Irvine. He seemed to be holding her a little more tightly than Quistis deemed comfortable. Seven years had done little to change that man. She remained careful to not be spotted by someone who might recognize her. Though as many strangers as there were here, it was doubtful.

As she neared the other side of the ballroom, she began to lose hope. She pushed her way through until she could see the large windows on the opposite end. She caught a full glimpse of the stars for the first time in seven years. The young woman was held captivated at the beauty of the vast sea of them in the sky. She never remembered them being this beautiful. Suddenly a flash of light fell through the sky. Her eyes followed it down on its burning voyage through the atmosphere. Her breath caught in her throat as her eyes took her to the balcony outside. There she saw a familiar silhouette resting against the railing.

And Rinoa couldn't help but smile.


	11. Pieces of the Night

**_Chapter Eleven: Pieces of the Night _**

He looked out into the desert at the tall structure that gleamed in the brightness of the moon. It had been so long since he had stood before the Sorceress Memorial. So long since he had been there to pay tribute to the greatest mistake of his life. Losing her. He even felt guilt in not having the strength to go and look her in the face again. Though time and time again he was told it was just his way of grieving. However, he felt he should be there to talk to her, in the off chance that she could hear him. To tell her how sorry he was for allowing her access to his heart, the place where everything he touched fell apart.

Squall was vaguely aware of the door sliding open behind him. He didn't acknowledge the presence, hoping that maybe they would show the same courtesy in return. He felt their eyes upon him and he heard the footsteps as they approached. He supposed he hoped for too much. The figure sat on the bench near where he was standing. An eternity of silence followed as the stars above them looked on with apathy.

"I've not been very supportive or encouraging tonight have I?" It was more of a statement than a question.

"I never asked you to be. It isn't your fault I'm like this." He turned and looked at her. The alcohol was beginning to blur his vision, but he was able to make out the saddened expression on her face.

"I don't think I've went about this the right way…I feel like I've done nothing but stand by and watch you suffer through this. When I do say something, it's the wrong thing and just seems to make it worse. I've failed you."

_"You're not the one who failed."_ He kept the thought to himself and only shook his head in response. Squall slowly lifted himself off the railing and turned around.

For a moment, Elise thought he was going to walk away from her. To her surprise, he instead walked over to the opposite side of the bench and sat down beside her. The act caught her so off guard that she didn't know what to say anymore. They were both silent as they watched the dancing couples in the warmly lit room. Listening to their laughter, seeing their smiling faces, feeling the warmth in the closeness they shared. In the light, they seemed like the perfect fairy tale couples. It's amazing to see the truth when the music ends and the lights go out.

"Well, he's certainly not one to miss a party."

"Who?"

"Cid. Him and Edea are standing right over there." Squall nodded his head in their direction.

"Yeah. That's partly why I came to find you. He is asking for you. Said he wanted to talk to you sometime this evening."

"Oh great. Maybe he has come to tell me that Edea has foreseen yet another catastrophe I must help the world to avoid and say 'no one else can do it but you, it's your destiny' and all of that shit."

"I think he just wanted to congratulate you."

"If life has taught me anything Elise…there is no such thing as destiny and meant to be. That's just something they tell in stories to get children to go to sleep. It's all just chance…one big long ride on a roulette wheel." He rambled on, his words becoming a bit slurred.

"Let's forget about him for now alright? My main concern is you. Squall, it's not that I don't want you to enjoy yourself here at the party, having a few drinks. But there are people here from the board…and they're watching every move you make. Every bit of evidence they gather will be used against you in the trial..."

"I know you are looking out for my command." He interrupted as he leaned his head back against the bench. "Don't worry, everything will be fine."

After that the issue was dropped. Left unresolved like so many before that had slipped through the cracks. He saw Laguna walking from across the room to greet Cid. The only two father figures, if they could be called that, were now in the same room together. His father by blood, who didn't claim it until he was legally an adult. And the man he had come to see as a father, who kept things from him and decided to put the fate of countless lives into his hands…and more importantly, one.

He supposed he would have to go back in there and act like everything was just fine. He wondered if there was some way he could scale down the balcony and disappear from here before anyone noticed. Though he seriously doubted he could get away from the woman sitting next to him. As if she knew what he was thinking, she wrapped her hand around his own.

Squall looked down at her hand and then up to meet her eyes. "Even after so long, I know it has to be difficult for you to be here again." Elise squeezed his hand reassuringly. "How long has it been now?"

He turned and looked to the floor. "It will be eight years…this April." His words fell softly, almost unbelievable from his lips. Had that much time passed? The recurrent nightmares made it feel like yesterday.

"Have you…thought about going to see her again?" She asked slowly, uncertain what his reaction would be.

He was quiet for a long time before he spoke. "I've wanted to. For so long…I feel like I have abandoned her…again. But it's just so hard…God it's hard."

"I know…I know. It might help you though, to visit there again. I mean maybe while we're here. I could…go with you if you wanted me to. If you wanted some company."

He looked over his shoulder once more at the stretching black desert. Maybe he could do this. He had never had anyone with him before. Someone to push him forward when his heels stuck into the sand and he could go no further. It surprised him even more that she had offered to go. To go to the place that had kept him distant from her all these years.

"You…you sure…you would want to do that?"

Elise smiled and nodded. "I'd be right there with you."

After so long…he could see her again. He could walk past the barriers that had been holding him back for so long. Suddenly it was if a great burden had been lifted from him, like someone had released the dam of guilt that was building up within him.

"Why…Squall Leonhart…is that a smile I see on your face?" Elise looked at him with a shocked expression.

He looked back at her and felt his cheeks flush as he let out a short laugh. "Maybe."

She chuckled. "Well that's a media event. Here let me go in there and alert the press!"

He grabbed her as she stood, pulling and wrestling her back onto the bench as she laughed.

After her laughter subsided, he took a hand and turned her face toward his own. "Thank you." He said with a deep sincerity that she had never heard in his voice before. He reached over and kissed her gently on the lips before enveloping her in a hug. Overwhelmed by the sudden burst of emotion from him, she said nothing and contented herself in hugging him back.

* * *

Rinoa slowly approached the large door leading to the balcony. This was good. He was alone. Maybe she could summon the courage to go talk to him. God, what on earth would she say? She didn't know, but supposed the words would come once she got there. Perhaps she wouldn't have to say anything at all.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a woman walking towards the balcony from the other side of the room. The woman was a bit taller than she was. About three or four inches if one were to estimate. Her wavy, shoulder-length hair was pulled back neatly with a shimmering clasp. One that matched the shimmer of the black dress she wore. Her hair was a very dark reddish brown color. So much that the red tint was only visible when the lights hit it just right. She was very beautiful with an air of professionalism about her demeanor. One that Rinoa herself knew she definitely lacked. And for some reason the moment she caught site of the woman walking towards the door, she knew who she was looking at.

In her observance, she had allowed her to reach the balcony before she did. Now, there was a problem. She couldn't just go out there and throw herself between them. It would be too much confusion and Rinoa had always had a strong belief in the 'perfect moments.' She wasn't going to ruin this one. Knowing Squall, he would most likely dismiss her quickly. People only leave the party when they want to be alone, right? She would wait.

Rinoa moved quickly in and out of the crowd to get a better look. She was nearly to the door when two very familiar faces emerged from the rest. Fear momentarily paralyzed her as she looked into the eyes of the people who had involuntarily put her into this situation. The Sorceress Edea and Cid Kramer. Panicked, she ducked behind a pillar and prayed that neither saw her as they approached.

When she peeked around the polished marble, they were now blocking her view of the door. Damn it. This wasn't going like she had planned. Then again, things in life never do. She saw Laguna come over and greet them. Assessing the far greater difficulty of this than she had previously thought, the young woman really wished she had a little help in this. She stood fast to her resolve however; this was something she had to do herself.

Time seemed to stretch on forever as she waited for them to move from her view. In truth, forever was condensed down to only a few minutes. When they finally did move away, she sighed inwardly with relief and moved to get a better view of the two people beyond the door. He was still standing in the same position he was prior, while she was sitting on the bench talking to him. Rinoa could tell he wasn't listening very attentively to what she was saying. Then all at once he turned around and she saw his face for the first time. His hair was a little shorter. His face seemed to look a little thinner as well, though that could have been attributed to the castings of the outdoor and indoor lights. For a moment, she thought his eyes had locked with her own. Her heart skipped a beat and then watched as he walked over to the bench and sat beside of _her_.

At first it seemed to be an awkward conversation. They exchanged few words and their postures were rigid. She thought that maybe they might be having an argument. If that was so however, it was calmer and more collected than any quarrel she had ever witnessed. Hope was losing the battle in her mind as realization began flooding the trenches of the opposing camp like a tide. She watched as the young woman said something that made him smile.

Hyne she remembered trying so hard back then…just to get even the slightest grin out of him. Suddenly Elise stood up and she watched as he grabbed her and pulled her back to him. They were laughing.

"He's not the same. Situations aren't the same. You can't just walk in and expect to magically turn back the time and make things like they were before."

For some reason the room felt as if it had dropped thirty degrees in that moment. She pulled the shawl tighter around herself reflexively. Squall drew the woman close to him…and kissed her.

_"But is he happy now?"_

"I…yes, I guess he is. Rin let's not talk about this anymore, I don't think it will do any good right now."

_"Well…if he's happy…I guess that's all that matters."_

Six months. She had known him six months. And now she was trying to just waltz back in between him and someone he had known for four years. She thought she would come here to save him. But from what? That beautiful woman who was out there with him now? Who had also seen something beyond the blockade he had built around himself, and brought it out into the light more than she could have ever done.

She made him smile…

"God, Rinoa…" She said softly. "What the hell are you doing?"

A surge of emotions ran through her body all at once. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't see straight. Rinoa turned around and did the only thing she knew how to do at that moment.

She ran.

* * *

Edea Kramer searched the crowd for her missing husband. He had that uncanny ability to wander off for as long as she had known him. It was one of his qualms that he had to stop and speak to everyone in the room that he knew. She looked at the mass of people and sighed. It was going to be a very long night.

However large the crowd was, she was able to spot her children scattered around the ballroom. She smiled as her mind drifted back over the years. True, they were never really hers by blood. She loved them just as if they were. They had become accomplished and successful adults. She was so very proud of them. She was even proud of Seifer, who she had not seen in nearly eight years. Somehow she knew wherever life had taken him, he was doing well for himself.

The older woman could not spot Squall or his fiancée anywhere. Laguna had said they were both here. She was hoping that perhaps she would get a chance to talk to him. She worried about him. She always had. The old habits died hard. But she was concerned about the trial that would be coming up soon for him.

Someone ran into her abruptly from behind. She turned to look when a strange yet familiar feeling came over her. It was as if she had just come into contact with a forgotten essence from her past. It felt like…her old sorceress powers. Edea looked around quickly for any sign of the rushing figure. She pushed through the crowd in a desperate attempt for a glimpse. Could it have been? Perhaps it was just her imagination. She might have bought that idea if she didn't feel the trembling sensation surging through every muscle of her body. She made her way through the crowd in the opposite direction towards the large pane glass windows. She waited a few moments until she caught a glimpse of someone running down below. The lamps outside did little to light the retreating figure. The sorceress put her hand against the window. When she did, the same feeling came over her again. She closed her eyes as she shuddered uncontrollably.

* * *

Laguna was sipping idly at some punch as he saw Edea through the bottom of his glass walking hurriedly towards him. He sat his glass down as she approached and smiled warmly. "Last time I saw him, he was standing over there by the shrimp cocktails talking to Xu," he said as he pointed in that direction.

She took a breath and gave him a small smile. "I honestly cannot take him anywhere Laguna, I swear I'm going to have to go buy one of those child harnesses and slip it onto him."

He laughed and shook his head. "Perhaps that as well as one of those radar tracking device collars that they sometimes put on the migrating chocobos."

"Yes perhaps that might work better." Edea chuckled before her face became serious. "Laguna, tell me, how has Squall been doing?"

His face saddened reflexively at the mention of his son's name. "Your guess would be as good as mine Edea. I think I know little more about him now than I did back when I was in Esthar's military prison. Every time I try to talk to him, I always end up saying something stupid and ruin any and all progress I make trying to connect with him."

"Don't give up trying Laguna, he has a hard exterior to break through. But…it is breakable."

"Yeah…guess you're right."

She moved to stand beside him as she continued. "He seems like he is finally looking towards the future, after living for so long in the past." Her eyes suddenly turned and gazed purposely into his. "It is still the past isn't it?"

"Wha…What?" Laguna gave her a confused expression.

She turned away from him and looked back over the crowd. "Everyone seems to be having such a wonderful time tonight. Just look at all these happy couples dancing."

"Yea—yeah."

"Sadly at least one of these young men will be leaving here alone though."

"Huh?"

"Oh…it's nothing…I just happened to see a young woman running out of here a short time ago. The way she dashed out of here, she must have been pretty upset. Looked like she was heading back to the city."

Edea watched as the fear suddenly rose up in his eyes as stammered. "Please excuse me Matron…I just remembered something I need to take care of immediately."

"Of course."

She kept her eyes on his quickly retreating figure as he searched through the crowd. Someone else knew about this. She was certain. Her suspicion was confirmed as she saw him make a b-line over to Quistis Trepe. She sighed as a great sorrow came over her for everyone that was and was yet to be involved in this.

* * *

Squall and Elise stepped off the balcony and back into the crowded ballroom. They walked arm-in-arm together until he suddenly came to a complete stop at a nearby pillar.

"What's the matter?"

He shook his head as if to clear it before he continued. "Nothing…I felt the coldest draft just now." The young man shivered again as if to emphasize his point.

Elise laughed. "What? You've got to be kidding me, it has to be 90 degrees in here!"

"I know…it was weird."

"Maybe we walked under an air conditioning vent or something."

"Yeah…guess that was it."

She grabbed his hand playfully and began leading him across the floor. "Now come on, it's high time we got the lead out of those two left feet of yours."

"No…that's okay." He replied. "I'm pretty tired. I think I'm going to go sit down."

"Oh no, you're not pulling any excuses this time. I am going to teach you how to dance. Besides you don't want to be tripping all over our feet when we get to dance solo in front of all those people at the wedding." She pulled him a bit more forcefully.

"I don't dance." He said, his voice rising.

"I'm not taking no for an answer. Now stop with the 'I can'ts' and get out here with me and have some fun."

He stopped abruptly in his tracks and she was yanked back into him with force. Elise turned and looked up at him, the smile gone from her face. "Damn it Squall! What the hell is your problem?"

He was fed up with this. It was apparent by the anger in his voice. "I said don't Elise, not can't! I _don't_ dance all right? I do not want to dance…is that clear enough for you?"

She was about to respond when suddenly someone grabbed her by the arm and began pulling her in the opposite direction. She turned quickly in surprise.

"C'mon I'll dance with you Elise." Zell said as she met his eyes as he was leading her away. She turned once more and looked over her shoulder at Squall who turned his gaze away and to the floor. She slowly turned away as she was led through the crowd of people and out of his sight.

Squall sighed in frustration. He hadn't meant to snap like that. But it was like she didn't hear him sometimes. He felt eyes watching him and he turned to see a couple of students looking fearfully in his direction.

"Is there a problem?" He growled.

"No sir!" They both said simultaneously before making a hasty retreat to the other side of the room.

He had to get out of here before he lost it completely. He looked around for the nearest exit and began moving in that direction. He would leave a message with someone to tell Elise he had gone back to the hotel room. Hopefully she would understand. Right now, he really didn't give a damn whether she did or not. Squall spotted an exit and started towards it when a hand suddenly grabbed his shoulder from behind.

"Hey Squall, where are you going?" Quistis asked as she stopped him in his tracks. She had heard him yelling from across the room. Somehow she could understand his frustration, even though Elise did not. It was pretty obvious she didn't know the whole story. She had hurried to catch up with him when Zell had taken Elise away in the hopes to calm him down before things got out of hand.

He turned around and looked at her. It had been a while since she had seen that kind of coldness in his eyes. The kind he used to mask over his hurt. And suddenly that part of her that had wanted to encourage Rinoa to come to the dance before, now wished to Hyne she would get here soon.

"Quistis, can you do me a favor?"

"Of course."

"When you see Elise, tell her I've gone back to the room."

"W—wait…why are you leaving so soon? Come over here, let's sit down and tal—."

"Quistis please!" He snapped. "Not…not now alright? I need some time to myself right now. Just tell me you'll do this for me."

"Yeah…okay, no problem." She stammered. "I'll tell her. You sure you're all right?"

"Thank you. Yes, I'm fine." He said and walked off without another word. She could only look on in grief at his retreating figure. She began looking around the room for any sign of Laguna.

The door was now just a few feet away and he could already feel the cool air that would hit him when he walked out of the Garden altogether. It was almost in reach when he felt another hand laid itself on his shoulder. He sighed.

"Quistis…I told you…"

"Squall my boy! I've been looking all over for you."

_"Oh great…" _Fortunately, Cid did not see the rolling eyes of his former SeeD commander as he put on his 'best attitude' and acknowledged the man.

"Hello sir." He said as he slowly turned around.

* * *

Laguna pushed through the people quickly forgoing the polite formalities as soon as he caught sight of Quistis. She was probably the only one that Rinoa should talk to. Quistis would know what to say. He didn't. He had to be honest with himself, he had never been good at saying the right thing, and comforting was never one of his good points. And right now he was sure that the young girl was in serious pain. It was also clear that Edea knew their secret now. But that could be dealt with later. Right now, they had to see to Rinoa. The president started to wave his hand to get the headmaster's attention when he saw Squall standing next to her. They were involved in some sort of intense conversation it seemed and Squall was definitely upset, no surprise there.

"Damn it!" He cursed under his breath. This couldn't wait. He had to do something now, no matter how much worse he might make things…she needed _someone_.

* * *

Rinoa ran until her lungs felt as if they were going to explode. She sank to her knees as she gulped at the air like a fish on dry land. The only sound she could hear was the surging boom of the blood rushing through her ears. She pressed her hands against the cold walkway to steady herself. So many things were spinning through her mind. The weight of the seven empty years had finally fallen on top of her.

And it was so very heavy.

She opened her eyes and looked around. Somehow her feet had carried her all the way back to Esthar. The young woman did not recognize any of the surroundings. As unclear as her thinking was at the moment she was sure she had not been to this part of the city before. Laguna had left this out of his tour. The small area lacked the luster of the bright lights and large structures of the rest of the city. Yet for what it lacked of those things, it made up for in its natural beauty.

It seemed to be a small park of some sort, surrounded by a cast-iron fencing that was entangled by a vine that produced large white blooms. An oddity to see this time of year. In the corners of the lot were four young trees sprouting the first few leaves of the season. A large fountain was placed in the center of the square as a focal point. Water spilled down the concrete sections into the base with a soft and soothing sound. It had been so long since she had seen trees and heard the sound of running water. So long since she had smelled the scent of living flowers that were not held captive in a vase. She crawled on her hands and knees over to the rim of the fountain and looked into water at her own reflection.

The epiphany came to her then of time and how it had left her. It had left her so far behind that she had forgotten things that no living human being should have to. And the world had moved on…just like it did, like it does, like it will do when people are gone. When they _die._ The realization hit her so hard she had to cover her mouth to keep from retching into the shallow pool. She reached and cupped some of the liquid in her hand and splashed it onto her face. Rinoa coughed and spat for it felt as if someone had threw a snowball made of the coldest snow and hit her directly in the head. She shivered from the cold and from the fear. A figure behind the fountain caught her eye and she nearly gasped as the familiarity of his outline filled her vision.

"Squ…Squall?"

She stood awkwardly and stumbled from her kneeling position and made her way around the fountain. He made no movement or gave any response as she drew nearer. This was because fate had decided to turn the knife in her heart one more time and make him nothing but stone. They were all stone. Her friends had been likened into smooth granite statues on a large pedestal against the far fence. Rinoa approached the sculpture slowly as if walking in a dream. The lights placed at the base illuminated them all fully now to her eyes. She looked and saw the figures standing before her as the friends she remembered. The friends she knew. They were all standing there together with weapons in hand poised for attack. Even her dog was there, standing bold and proud like she had always done in battle by their side. She ran a hand across her stone muzzle and tried to choke back the tears that could not remain inside any longer. She understood now why she was never brought here.

The young woman could no longer control her gaze as she found herself looking directly into his eyes. Her fingers reached up and traced the contours of his face, along the length of his scar. It was cold…like everything else she touched. She cried out as she fell against the statue and wrapped her arms around it as she began begging and pleading silently for him to just hold her again. He merely looked on into the distance…somewhere off into the future. Her quivering legs could no longer support her weight and Rinoa collapsed hard to the ground. On the way down her hand slid against something that cut deep into her skin. She yelped between sobs and looked at the large cut through tear soaked vision. She clenched her fist and watched the blood seep from the grooves of her fingers and drip steadily to the ground. Rinoa placed her other hand against the stone base in an attempt to bring herself to her feet when she felt the grooves of the engraving that had cut her hand. She stopped and looked at the inscription that was carefully chiseled into the granite.

_Dedicated the young souls who risked their lives to ensure the future of this generation and all of the generations to come._

Below that…she saw her name.

_In Memory of Rinoa Heartilly._

With a trembling hand, she traced the letters. The blood smeared black in the low light against the night sky. They didn't do things in memory of people who were gone away for a while. They didn't do things in memory of people they would see again some day. They did things in memory of people who were dead.

"Oh…God…" She slid the rest of the way to the ground. She brought her knees up to her chest as she curled into a fetal position. The words on the stone still wounding her like ten thousand knives thrust into her heart.

Rinoa Heartilly was dead.

She didn't know whether to scream, to cry, or to laugh at the cruel irony of it all. What emerged from her lips was a bit of a mixture of all three. The tears fell like rain from her eyes mixing with the blood on her dress and on the ground.

"I'm dead…." She whispered in between sobs. "I'm dead…" Over and over like some sort of mantra. Vaguely Rinoa became aware of the strong arms that surrounded her in an embrace. She lifted her head up slightly to the man kneeling over her. His eyes shimmered with his own tears as he looked at her with sorrow and compassion. This was what they had tried to explain to her for so long. The words that had passed over her ears now bombarded them with the simple truth. She was dead to them, she was dead to this world, and she was dead to Squall Leonhart.

With what little strength she had, she wrapped her arms around the man and sobbed bitterly against his chest. "Oh God…Laguna…I'm dead!"


	12. Sheets of Empty Canvas

**_Chapter Twelve: Sheets of Empty Canvas _**

"You're not dead Rin." Laguna said as he held the girl tightly, trying desperately to be the strong one in this situation.

"Dead…to them." she choked. He didn't know how to respond to that. He wished like hell that Quistis were here right now. Rinoa was shivering violently and he released her long enough to remove his jacket and wrapped it around her. When he did his fingers brushed against a sticky substance on her arm. He held his hand up to the light.

"Oh Hyne Rinoa, you're bleeding!" The older man lifted her up into a sitting position. She held her hand out to him slowly. He took it carefully and looked at the deep cut in her palm.

"I…fell." She said softly. Laguna looked up at her and his heart broke. She looked so much like a child sitting there with that look in her eyes. It was the look of a child whose world had just been shattered by the most devastating news imaginable. He cleared his head of the thought and helped her to her feet.

"You're going to need to get that seen about." He said. "Here let's get the dirt rinsed off." Laguna led her over to the fountain where he dipped her hand quickly into the water without thinking. She screamed as if he had just forced her hand down into a pit of fire. He nearly jumped back in alarm before he realized what he had just done.

"Oh…damn….damn it, I'm so sorry! I forgot about the temperature. So sorry…I wasn't thinking."

"S'okay." She sniffed and slid back down to the ground with her back against the stone structure, wrapping his jacket more closely around her shivering body. Laguna reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. Kneeling in front of her, he wrapped the white cloth gently around her wounded hand. He moved and sat beside of her, putting his arm around her shoulders. She complied by resting her head against him. Neither of them spoke.

Even while being on the outskirts of the city, the world seemed completely still. The water in the fountain no longer gurgled and churned. Rinoa had never felt so alone in her entire life, now living in a world where she no longer existed. It was as if the slate of her life had been wiped clean and fate had just handed her a piece of chalk and told her to start over. And she didn't know how to begin. But she knew in her heart now that it couldn't be here.

"I've got to get out of here Laguna."

"That's a good idea," he replied. "Let's head back to the palace." He rose to help her up off the ground.

The young woman accepted his hand but shook her head as she stood up. "That's not what I meant." She looked sadly into his confused eyes. "I have to get out of _here._"

"What?"

"I need to get away from the city. I need to feel the grass between my toes, see the stars from the ground. Some place where no one would know me. It's not that I don't like it here and you have been nothing but kind to me…I just…"

Laguna swallowed hard at her words. An empty feeling began rising in his own body. He had grown so used to her being here…he just took it for granted that she would stay. The truth of the matter that she could not stay here and live contentedly was placed in the farthest reaches of his mind. That part would not hold her back however. Regardless of his paternal instincts to her, Rinoa was an adult by all accounts and it was she alone who made the choices and decisions about her life. He just hated that she would be leaving like this.

"I understand." He said softly. "I'm not going to make you stay. Living in all of this closed space, I can see how you must feel like a prisoner. I guess I just got used to you being here. Well…I'll just miss you that's all." He rubbed the back of his head as he looked to the ground. Rinoa wrapped her arms around him in an embrace, the tears still falling from her eyes. He stroked her hair gently as he returned the hug.

"I…I don't want to hurt him Laguna."

"I know…I know." He could no longer hold back the tears that had been threatening to fall.

* * *

"How have you been doing these days? Must be pretty cold in Trabia this time of year."

_"God what a moron."_

"Yes sir, it is usually cold all year round."

Cid laughed. "Yes, I suppose it is. Anyway I just wanted to congratulate you on your efforts with the establishment of this wonderful Garden."

"Thank you. There were a lot of other people involved in making this facility possible."

_"Why don't you go and thank them?"_

"Yes but it wouldn't have been possible without your efforts. Your father must be so proud." He said and took another sip from the glass in his hand.

Squall inwardly groaned. It was a habit of Cid to assume things without knowing whole stories. _Oh, Squall found his long lost father; things must be just peachy now between them._ He was feeling sicker now than he was prior. He hoped he could get away from here before he lost his lunch all over the man in front of him. The young man stared at the goofy expression on his former headmaster's face. On second thought…

Cid turned and looked out into the crowd. "They seem to be a fine group of students don't they? I'm sure they will make excellent SeeDs. As long as they remember to be prepared for every situation and take every precaution before heading into battle."

Perhaps it was the alcohol, or maybe the bitter resentment he was already feeling. But the words that came from the old man's mouth twisted into something pointed at him. A hint towards his own mistake in the training center. He was sure he knew about it. Hell, everyone within shouting distance probably knew about it. Why couldn't people just stay out of his business? He fought himself inwardly for restraint, knowing another outburst would not hold up well at the trial.

"The instructors have done all they can do to teach them that. It's entirely up to them now. Their choices reflect their future successes and failures. All we have to do now is give them orders, sit back on our asses, and watch right?" Restraint was obviously fading fast.

A look of shock and disbelief was the response he received. He quickly recovered his ground and forced a smile. "It was a joke sir."

"Oh right!" Cid said with an overly exaggerated laugh. "A good one." There was a blissful moment of silence and Squall hoped desperately that the conversation was over.

"I spoke to Elise earlier this evening. Such a sweet girl…she told me of her plans to get you out there on the dance floor tonight. Did she have any luck?"

He wished he were off on the Island Closest to Hell facing a hundred charging hexadragons. Somehow, that situation seemed less threatening than where this conversation was going. "No, I'm afraid not."

"Well I'm sure she will persuade you eventually dear boy. Women have that way about them. Have you set a date for the wedding yet?" He adjusted his glasses and grinned up at him.

_"Why? You want dibs?"_

"Not yet." He replied as coolly as possible, even while inside he was raging at the man. "If you'll excuse me sir, I'm not feeling very well. I think I will retire to my room for the night."

"Oh?" Cid looked at him with concern. "Would you like a lift back to the hotel? I'm parked just outside the door I'd be happy to—"

"No." He interrupted with more sharpness than he intended. "No…sir," he corrected with stability. "Thank you, but I can manage."

"Alright my boy, alright. Well it sure was wonderful to see you again. Glad to know you are doing so well." He gave the young man a jostled pat on the shoulder. "Come and see us when you get some spare time alright?"

_"Fat chance."_

"I will. Tell Edea I said hello and sorry I could not tell her in person this time." He turned on his heels quickly, disallowing any reply from the older man that might delay his departure further. Squall had to get out of there before he exploded.

* * *

"Zell I'm alright now, let me go. I need to talk to him." Elise pleaded.

"Song's not over yet." He replied holding on to her while looking around the room. "Give him some time to cool off."

"All I seem to give him is time. Frankly my patience is running out of it."

"You don't understand Elise…he's never told you has he?"

"What? Told me what?" She said bitterly, knowing she was about to unearth yet another skeleton from his closet. Why did he have to hide everything from her?

Zell looked at her as they moved in time to the music. "His graduation. That's where he met Rinoa."

She gave him a confused look.

"She asked him to dance that night, refused his excuses and dragged him out on the dance floor."

"Damn it," she said angrily. "He never tells me anything. I'm forced to stupidly stumble over his feelings by accident! Why won't he open up to me? How can we have any sort of relationship living like this?" Her voice was loud, but with hurting undertones.

"He doesn't tell you these things because he doesn't care Elise. The last thing he wants is to burden anyone with his problems. You have to understand its not just some hell he puts you through. It's just the way he is. The way he always has been. I wouldn't know anything about the dance if I weren't there to see it with my own eyes." He looked at her with sympathy, hoping that she heard at least part of what he had said, and understood it.

She didn't reply, instead her gaze just fell to the floor.

"Elise."

She looked over towards the voice and saw Quistis standing beside them.

"Squall wanted me to tell you that he was going back to the room."

She sighed. "I see." She released her hands from Zell who did not fight to keep her there any longer and turned away. "Please excuse me both of you." She said as she passed from their sight quickly amidst the crowd. The two of them looked at each other with a knowing glance.

"I'm going to go check on Alex." He said finally. There were no words to describe the current situation. "Care to join us?"

"Yeah, alright," Quistis replied. "I just need to do something real quick and I'll catch up with you."

"Okay, see ya in a bit." He waved and then made his way to the other side of the room.

She had looked everywhere for any sign of Laguna or Rinoa. A sinking feeling was beginning to rise from the pit of her stomach.

"Certainly been an interesting night." A voice stated from beside her.

The startled headmaster nearly yelped in surprise as she turned. "Oh hello matron! Yes, it has been quite a party. Good to see you again." She smiled despite her anxiety.

The sorceress smiled in return and clasped one of her hands within her own. "It is good to see you too my dear. How are you?"

"Oh fine thank you. I was just looking around for Laguna. I had a question for him. You haven't seen him by chance have you?"

Edea pretended to ponder for a moment. "Yes…I believe I did. I saw him leaving actually. He looked to be in a bit of a hurry." She looked concerned. "I hope everything is alright at the palace."

She watched the panic flash across Quistis' eyes and turned her gaze down as she wiped at an imaginary spot on her dress. "It is probably nothing to be alarmed about." She continued. "You know how these political figures have to rush here and there on a whim…isn't it funny that—" Edea stopped when she looked up to see that the young woman had vanished.

She sighed as she stepped away from the dancing couples around her. She understood why they had kept this secret. Perhaps in the same situation she would have done the same thing. But in her heart she knew that they would not be able to keep her hidden forever. Somehow, somewhere, they would find each other. Those two shared a bond that defied all of the conventions. She had seen it, she had felt it long ago when she had watched him trudge along the train tracks carrying the unconscious girl the entire way to Esthar. It was a bond that could never be brushed aside completely…it transcended everything. The sorceress made a decision not to interfere in the matter as she walked through the gathering. Fate would place its hand in at the right time. And if the opportunity rose to help it along…she would.

"My dear I've been looking all over for you!"

She looked up to see Cid standing before her with a plate full of cake in his hand, grinning from ear to ear.

Edea rolled her eyes and shook her head with a smile.

* * *

The doctor wrapped the bandage around her hand one more time before securing it with a small clasp. "There you are Miss Heartilly, all finished. I'd keep the bandage on it for a couple of days to ward off any infection. There might be a little scarring but probably nothing too noticeable."

"Thank you." She said quietly as she slid off the table. "Thank you for everything."

He looked at her with a sad smile. "We're going to miss you around here. You sure you want to leave us so soon?"

She looked back at him with tears in her eyes. "It's not a choice as much as it is a need. I just…need to get away for a while."

"I understand. You will come and visit again won't you?"

Rinoa gave him a small smile. "I'll try my best."

Laguna stood as she walked through the doors into the waiting room, still holding his jacket tightly. He met her half way, put his arm around her shoulders, and led her out of the emergency room.

The walk back to her room was spent mostly in silence. Laguna's mind was racing with every step, wracking his brain for someplace on this planet where she would be safe. A place where no one would know who she was, a place she could start over…

And suddenly it came to him.

* * *

Quistis drove slowly along the road in her rental car, looking for any sign of either of them. She prayed to the gods that Rinoa wasn't hurt, but her mind tried to convince her otherwise. Most likely she had come, and she had seen Squall and Elise together. She closed her eyes against the painful image and cursed herself. She should have done more to protect her. Maybe she could have arranged something else for the two of them if she had more time. Yet she could not help but wonder if the outcome would have been any different.

She slowed to a stop beside of the park. The headmaster could not see any one from her view outside of the wall gate. She reached for the switch and turned off the ignition. If she had run from the party, this would be the first place of civilization she would have come to outside of the Garden walls. Quistis got out of the car and ran across the empty street to investigate. The place was empty and quiet save for the splashing of the water in the fountain. Her feet took her forward along the path as her eyes looked to every park bench. A small shimmer of light caught her attention as she neared the statue. On closer inspection, it looked to be Rinoa's chain. She ran up to the object and knelt to pick it up. The light reflected off the rings that hung on the necklace. The young woman nearly gasped as she saw griever grinning back at her. The chain was broken and her heart leapt into her throat as she saw the traces of blood on the ground and around the engraving of her name. Squall's words to her a few years ago echoed in her mind…when he had told her how much he hated the idea of the statue altogether.

"_I just don't get it Quistis, why do they need a memorial? Memorials are for dead people…and Rinoa isn't dead."_

God…what if she had done something to herself? Quistis ran out of the park as fast as her feet would carry her. The knowledge that her friend was not all right at this point was painfully clear.

* * *

Squall hung up the phone on the nightstand and fell back on to the bed. He closed his eyes and allowed the blissful silence of the room to engulf him. There was no rest to be had behind his closed eyelids however. His mind raced with tormenting thoughts. He knew now he could not go to her. Not like this…this mess of a human being that he was.

His solitude was short-lived as he heard footsteps and a keycard being inserted into the door. She failed to hear the sigh that escaped his lips due to the hiss of the door closing behind her. Elise had been through every emotion feasible on the way back to their hotel room. Now she just felt numb and indifferent. Her eyes glanced at him for a moment before she turned and walked into the bathroom without a word.

He was expecting a lecture, a comment, some form of communication from her. She was never short on words. And yet somehow, her silence didn't surprise him. Perhaps she had grown as tired of him as he was. The sound of running water filled his ears as she turned on the shower faucet. Squall drifted off into his thoughts again. He knew he should say something. Apologize like he had done countless times before. That seemed to be the only answer he could give her.

As the minutes passed he nearly fell into a fitful sleep until he heard the bathroom door open. Elise walked over to the bed and sat down beside him. He looked over to her expecting to see anger and resentment, but finding only compassion. This caught the young man off guard and suddenly his apology he had written in his mind was suddenly replaced with blank canvas.

The moon cast a glow on the white bathrobe she wore and her damp hair sparkled around her shoulders in the dim light. She brushed the hair from his eyes with a gentle hand. Her soft voice caressed his ears, "Do you want to talk?"

"Are you asking me as a doctor or my fiancée?"

"Whichever one you would feel more comfortable speaking to."

_"Great, she's gone into doctor mode."_

He sighed inwardly as her delicate fingers still combed through his hair. Maybe it would be better to think of her as a doctor right now, maybe that would make it seem less personal. Instead of looking like a miserable wreck to his fiancée, it would be easier to be made a fool in front of an unbiased medical observer.

How many more times could he keep pushing her away? How many times before it was the final straw? And how many times could he keep asking himself the same question before he could admit the answer?

"Elise, really this—"

"—has nothing to do with you. Yes Squall, I know, I know. I just wanted you to know I do understand the pressure of being in Esthar, not only seeing your father…" The uncomfortable look on his face made her quickly change her words before he had a chance to correct them. "Laguna, of seeing Laguna…plus dealing with opening of the Garden and watching the couples dancing…"

He could feel a stab of pain at the simple words. Like always, one of his friends was there to bail him out of another tough situation. He shook his head and still another time he had let her down. Maybe if he had just mentioned this sooner this entire night could have gone a little smoother, at least for Elise.

He knew one thing right now, there was nothing he could to help himself, and nothing he could do for _her_. The only person he could comfort was the one who had been beside him the last few years, even when he had tried desperately to push her away. He reached his hand to her face, not saying a word. Nothing needed to be said.

Reaching up he pulled her into an embrace, neither of them moved. The soft quiet was cut when the telephone on the nightstand began to ring. He wasn't sure if he was irritated or grateful. Truthfully he didn't expect them to call back so quickly. Squall felt her sigh in his arms as he carefully released her and moved over to the corner of the bed to answer the phone. He went through the lines as he had practiced. Again he could not help but feel the guilt of lying to her one more time. Somehow he knew that she wouldn't accept the truth. She wouldn't understand why. Why he could not go to the memorial and face _her_ now.

The headmaster hung up the phone and looked into her expectant eyes. "There's an emergency at Trabia. I have to leave tonight." He stood and tossed his suitcase onto the bed beside her and began throwing in his belongings.


	13. Winds of Change

**_Chapter Thirteen: Winds of Change_**

Rinoa stared out the train window at the landscape as it passed. Her thoughts were far from the scenic beauty of the area however. It was the first time she felt really alone since she had awakened. And it frightened her. Laguna had offered to come with her on the train but she had declined his offer, saying that she needed to do this on her own. She did it more for his sake however, knowing that the place would only bring back painful memories for him.

It was time for all of them to leave their pasts behind. The young woman felt the train began to slow as an announcement came over the speakers that the train would be arriving at the station shortly. Reflexively she grabbed at her necklace in anxiety. The familiar clank the two rings made as she clasped them did not follow though. Instead she was greeted with the smooth platinum of her mother's ring. She tried to fight the tears that threatened to fall as she recalled the events of her last night in Esthar.

"I_...I thought of a place where you could stay Rinoa. Somewhere I know you would be safe_." Laguna rubbed the back of his head

Rinoa looked up at him from her seated position on the bed. She wondered if the sadness she saw in his eyes were mirrored off of her own.

"I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before...I haven't seen it in such a long time. But somehow...it just came to me all of the sudden."

He stopped and abruptly became lost in old thoughts. When he finally came back to reality, he saw her looking at him expectantly.

The older man cleared his throat nervously. "I own a place in Winhill…That's where I lived with Raine. Times were kind of hard then and she had a tough time managing the payments. I made some money as the town's caterchipiller and bite bug exterminator, so I began helping her with finances. Then after we were engaged…we talked about it, and well, I was put as a joint name on the house." He closed his eyes at a passing memory. "Hell when you're young like that, you don't really think about the future and how it can all go wrong from the way you had planned it."

The significance of the words dawned on him after they had already escaped from his lips. He looked up to see that she was crying again and he cursed himself for not thinking.

"Oh sweetheart I'm sorry. Please don't cry. I didn't mean it like that."

Rinoa shook her head. "Don't apologize, it's just the truth." She stifled a sob and continued. "Laguna, that place holds a lot of memories for you…both good and bad. I wouldn't want to just go walking all over your past like that. I couldn't do that to you."

"Listen to me," he said as he sat down next to her. "It's taken me years to understand it. But I've learned what's done can not be undone. There's no point in living life in the past. You can't look back, no matter how much it hurts to look forward. That place, I don't know, I feel like I've been holding it for something, and maybe this is it. A new start for you, and some closure for me. Definitely a new beginning for the old place. Hyne knows it could use a little warmth after all these years." He smiled gently and put his arm around her. "I couldn't think of a more suitable person to fill that job than you."

A smile formed on her lips despite the tears falling around them. Part of her finding some sort of solace in his words. Whether it was a gesture of gratefulness or seeking comfort, she wrapped her arms around his abdomen and hugged him tightly. The action caught him off guard, but he returned the embrace with fervor. God did she really have to leave? He wasn't sure if he could take it. And yet in the back of his mind he knew that fate was a creature that enjoyed leaving people in intolerable situations.

The tears were welling up in his eyes as he heard her sobbing against his chest. He stroked her hair with his hand as he tried helplessly to be the strong one in the situation. "Things…well…things have a way of working out for the best. Even though it doesn't seem like it at the time. It's going to be alright Rin, I promise you."

Her ears registered his words, but her mind could comprehend nothing but pain and confusion. A part of her longed to return to the silence and blissful emptiness of the sealing chamber, while another wished to run to the top of the highest hill and scream to the world that she was still here until there was no breath left in her body. Her life had been torn asunder on that day seven years ago. Now she stood between two planes separated by a bottomless ravine that stretched on for miles. She had heard of people picking up the pieces of their lives and starting over. But never like this. Now, like the rest of the world had already done, she would have to leave behind her existence…and bury Rinoa Heartilly.

The young sorceress was startled from her thoughts as the loud overhead speaker announced the arrival to the station was a brief five minutes away. She tried to hide her anxiety, though she could feel that her hands were visibly shaking. Rinoa tugged at a lock of hair that had strayed from the clasp that held the rest neatly on the back of her head.

She had taken precautions, in case she did stumble upon someone who would recognize her, doubtful as she figured that would be. But it was a slim chance she was not willing to risk. So she had dyed the highlighted streaks out of her hair and wore it up. Something she rarely did before. A pair of non-prescription glasses that now rested on the bridge of her nose and she wore a bit more make-up than she was used to. It was no great elaborate disguise, but it would prove sufficient when she ran into the unexpected chance to test it at the train station.

On the first day of the rest of her life, Rinoa had overslept. She barely had time to say goodbye before she found herself running down the station terminal at breakneck speed with a suitcase in one hand and a large tote bag thrown over her other shoulder. Luckily the station itself wasn't crowded, but fate would have her slam into one of the last people she would have anticipated. The force of the collision knocked her back a few paces and the suitcase flew from her hand. She turned to see a woman picking herself up off the marbled floor in front of her.

"Oh God!" she said as she kneeled and helped the woman to her feet. "Are you okay? I am so sorry!"

"No problem," she replied while dusting herself. "I should have been looking both ways before I stepped on to the train tracks eh?" She chuckled and gave her a kind smile.

Rinoa wondered later if the gasp that escaped her lips had echoed throughout the entire station. Her heart froze in her chest as she looked into a pair of familiar blue eyes. She couldn't move, and she couldn't stop staring.

Like a deer caught in the headlights of a truck.

"Hey miss," Elise said with growing concern in her voice. "Are you sure you're okay? Did you hit your head?"

It was her, of all the people in Esthar. She ran into _her._ If she could have made any sound at all in that moment, she might have laughed outright at the irony, or perhaps cried at its betrayal. But in that instance, she was afraid to even blink. Blink. Wait…something was missing…her glasses.

In a panic she looked frantically on the floor around her. Not seeing them anywhere she wheeled around and grabbed the suitcase on the floor and made ready to run.

"Are you looking for these?" The voice came from behind her. Rinoa turned around slowly like a scolded child. Elise offered them to her with an extended hand. She took a breath and composed herself. Why was she afraid anyway? This woman didn't know her. She knew that the rest of her life could not be spent running from everything. It was no way to live. _"Accept it, confront it, and move on."_ Words from a past therapy session entered her mind and she found the courage to reach out and accept the glasses.

"Thank–," As she gripped them she unwittingly brushed her fingertips against Elise's. They were the same fingers belonging to the hands that held him that night…and so many nights before.

"Squall…" 

Rinoa realized with certainty, she wasn't ready to confront it. She took the glasses, muttered another apology, and quickly ran before the other woman could see the tears in her eyes. Leaving Elise puzzled and confused, and wondering if she really looked that hideous without her makeup on.

* * *

Squall walked down the long hallway with a distant gaze in his eyes. Actually there was more of a long-suffering trudge than a normal walk in his tired steps as they led him to his office. He had only been back a few hours, taking the redeye flight back to Trabia, and already he had fallen right back into the same dull routine. He had left Elise back in Esthar to say the goodbyes that he would not be able to. It was the least he could do not to drag her back here for any real reason. He could tell by the look in her eyes she wasn't ready to leave, hell, if anyone deserved a vacation it was her. She could have a day to recuperate without worrying about this place. Work for him however was different. A part of him needed it to keep his mind occupied. Work was stable, work was consistent, and work had no surprises.

"Headmaster Leonhart!"

Well, most of the time.

He turned to see a junior cadet running down the corridor in a panic. The boy stopped just short of plowing into him and put his hands on his knees to catch his breath. "Headmaster…sir…there's…a fight…outside," He wheezed.

Out of all the instructors and faculty here, why was he expected to deal with all the minor disturbances? "Where is your supervisor?"

"I don't know sir!" the cadet said frantically. "She said she was going to the bathroom…and then left with some guy."

He gritted his teeth. Both of them would find their asses out in the snow so fast it'd make their heads spin. Honestly, there seemed to be no sense of duty and responsibility in Garden anymore.

"Please sir…hurry," the boy's voice quaked, interrupting the headmaster's thoughts. "He has a gunblade."

Squall looked down into his terrified eyes. "Okay, okay," he said more softly. "Just calm down, I'll take care of it. Show me where they are."

He followed the boy quickly down the hallway, had his mind realized where he was leading him, Squall might have hesitated.

Billy Stevens wiped the blood from the corner of his mouth as he came to his feet. He quickly moved into a defensive stance as his opponent's fist came flying at him again. He dodged and took advantage of the opening and punched the young man in the stomach.

Richard Bennett fell to his knees gasping and choking in pain. The anger seared in his eyes as he gazed up at his adversary. The blood was surging through his ears so it became difficult to hear anything else around him.

"Give it up." Billy said between ragged breaths. "Stop this." He turned and made his way across the ring formed by the onlookers.

Richard stood up slowly as a demented smile spread across his features. "It's not over till its finished Stevens." He looked to one of his companions standing in the crowd. "Bring it over here Rob." The addressed boy gave him a frightened look.

"Hey…wait…you said you were just going to scare him."

Richard walked over and grabbed him by the collar. "Now Rob!" He said venomously. Rob handed him the gunblade they had stolen from one of the SeeD dorms. His hand gripped the handle and swung the blade out in front of him. "C'mon Stevens, I said we're not done yet."

Billy turned around and sighed. "What the hell are you doing Bennett? You've never used one of those things."

"First time for everything." He said while pointing the tip of the blade towards him. "I've never killed anyone either."

Rob spoke up. "Cut it out man, you're going to get us into some serious shit!"

"Shutup!" He yelled before charging at the young man in front of him, who was caught off guard by his sudden action. The adrenaline blurred his vision and he didn't see the figure that stepped between them. Squall dodged the blade with ease and grabbed the hilt while kicking the boy to the ground.

Bennett opened his eyes to see the headmaster towering over him. His gaze was so penetrating that he ended up averting his gaze to the snowy ground. The world had fallen bitterly silent and no one moved. Moments passed before it was finally broken by someone bursting through the doors.

"What the hell is going on out here? I told you guys –." The voice stopped immediately when the eyes fell upon the taller figure in the middle of her group of frightened cadets. The girl came to attention vainly and tried her best to cover up her mistake. "Sir, I had to leave my unit momentarily to use the restroom facilities, the cadets were instructed to remain in the classroom until I returned!"

"So I heard." He said smoothly. "I also heard you had a partner to assist you there. Is that some new rule I'm unaware of? Did we incorporate the buddy system for the restrooms now? You know I've really got to brush up on my knowledge of bathroom regulations, hell I wasn't even aware they were co-ed!" He found himself yelling by the end of his statement staring at the trembling woman before him who was trying desperately to keep the tears from flooding out of her eyes.

"I want you to take your unit back to their dorms and report to my office with your bathroom buddy at 1400 hours." She made no response, still gripped with fear. He walked over to her and got directly in her face.

"Have I made myself clear cadet?"

"Sir! Yes Sir!" Her voice choked. She looked to her squad and tried to bring authority to her voice. "Cadets! Single file to the dorm facility! Move!"

The cadets acknowledged quickly, grateful for anything that would get them away from the wrath of the headmaster. They immediately fell in line and began their march indoors. Bennett picked himself up and began to follow when he was suddenly halted roughly by a hand. He turned and looked back at Squall with the expression of a sheep killing mongrel.

"When you get to your dorm I want you to begin packing your bags. You've just earned yourself a ticket home cadet."

The words resonated through the hollow, cold air and he watched as all the color drain from the boy's face. He could have just sentenced him to death and there wouldn't have been a more terrified look of sheer panic in his eyes. For the residents of Garden _home_ meant living in and out of institutions and foster homes. Home meant being thrown back into a world void of the understanding and kinship of the friends they found here. There was a reason SeeD recruitment posters were posted all over orphanages. Garden offered refuge for the outcasts of society.

"Sir…" he whimpered.

The headmaster's eyes told him that it was best not to question his authority or try to plea bargain his case.

"Yes sir." Bennett turned and walked into the entranceway, vanishing from his sight after the doors closed behind him.

Squall sighed in frustration and rubbed his forehead with his free hand. He looked at the gunblade in his other hand for a moment and then tossed to the ground with a resonating clank. He was so very tired of holding the fate of other people in his hands. He didn't understand why he was always being pushed into positions of authority. Couldn't they see from his track record that he wasn't good at it?

A sudden chill on his arm broke him from his thoughts. He looked down to see that he had left his jacket in the office. His eyes fell upon another snowflake that landed on his hand and quickly thawed into liquid. A familiar voice filled his ears without reason at that moment.

_"Look! Look! A gift from the faeries!"_

He turned and looked at his surroundings for the first time. His breath caught in his throat as he suddenly became paralyzed with fear. After all the years of avoiding this place, fate would throw him through the turmoil of the past yet again.

The basketball court.

The place where he had one chance to change the course of events that had shattered more lives than just his own.

And he didn't.

He had not set foot on the ground since he had been appointed headmaster at Trabia. It was all he could do to look at this place from inside a window. Even then, he didn't feel safe. The thoughts, the pain, it still consumed him. If he had one chance to change the past...he would have started here.

_"Yo, you wanna go check out Edea's orphanage?"_

"No Zell," he whispered in a hoarse voice as the memories of that day played in front of him like an old movie reel. "Let's go back to Balamb…she'll be safe there."

_"We might find a clue."_

"Fine Irvine, fine. But we have to take Rinoa back to Garden. She has no part in this, she shouldn't have to fight…she doesn't want to fight."

_"Clue?__ You mean as to why Matron turned out like this?"_ Quistis continued, oblivious to his comment.

Squall shook his head. He knew this wasn't real. Their transparent figures stood before him like ghosts of mistakes long past. Even so, when he saw Rinoa standing there, he desperately wanted to believe the illusion.

_"Despite what truth we find, it's not going to change the present. But...I wanna see, too. I don't know what we'll find, but...Let's head for Edea's house." _His own voice echoed in his mind.

_"Always thinking of yourself weren't you? Didn't you see her? Didn't you see the look on her face?"_

_"I guess that's it...We're fighting."_

She was standing in front of him now, terrified and frightened. He wanted to put his arms around her and comfort her like he had never done when he had the chance. "No we don't Rinoa. You don't. We can take you back to Timber where you'll be safe. I was wrong to let you. Don't come with me…please."

_"...You guys are fearless."_

"No…I'm not…I'm nothing but a damn coward. I let everyone down when they need me the most. You should run…run as far away as you can get from me." The tears stung at his eyes. His first reaction was to blink them away, but he was afraid if he did she would vanish.

Before he could stop himself, his feet began carrying him forward. The rest of the group faded away as he continued until he was just inches away from his hallucination. God she seemed so real.

_"I guess...I'm getting scared. Sometimes...when I'm with all of you I...feel like we're on the same wavelength...you know?"_

Squall closed his eyes finally, listening to the sound of her voice

_"But when the battles start happening, it's different. Everyone's tempo seems to pick up and..."_

"You get left behind." His voice trembled.

_"...I get left behind. I try to catch up, but it's no use...How far is everyone going? I can't hear anyone...Once I catch up, I wonder...Is everyone safe? Will they welcome me with open arms?"_

_"...Is__ everyone ok?"_

He put a hand over his mouth as he stifled a sob. There was so much twisted irony in her words. Did it cross her mind at the time that she would be the one that was missing when the smoke cleared?

Surging emotion consumed him until he couldn't take it anymore. Slowly he reached for the image, wanting desperately to feel the contact of her skin against his hand. Instead he was greeted with nothing but empty air. The image distorted and faded into the air like a smoky vapor.

His knees buckled and he fell hard against the pavement with little notice. The experience left him numb and even more empty. The young man looked up to the sky and felt the soft touch of the snowflakes against his face. They had gathered upon him until his hair was frosted white. He closed his eyes again, unaware of the cold. His only pain came from the knowledge that she was truly gone, and that time was mocking him. It didn't help ease the suffering as his friends and doctors had promised. All that it seemed to do was deepen the scar in his heart as the rift that separated them grew wider with each passing moment.

"I miss you." He said softly.

* * *

He stared out the large bay window of his office. The empire of Esthar was alive with the hurried rush of its inhabitants. Even the lights and noise however could not distract him from his thoughts.

Laguna wondered if she was there by now…if she had any problems getting there. Was she alright? Hell he should have gone with her. Yet he knew that it would have only put her in greater danger. While she may be able to blend into the crowds, he would have a harder time concealing his identity.

He hoped she would remember to call him when she got settled. He would be able to do little until he knew she had arrived safely. His thumb rubbed the metallic object in his hand methodically.

_"I want you to take this Laguna."_

Squall's ring grinned up at him in the dim light. He reached and took it from her hand to examine it more closely and shook his head. _"Rinoa…"_

Her eyes were glazed with sadness and he could see lines of worry well beyond her years trailing the features of her face.

_"It doesn't belong to me. I don't have a right to keep it and…well…it should stay in his family."_

_"Are…are you sure?"_

She wiped at her eyes. _"I have to let go right? If I'm going to start over I have to let the past go. So this is me letting go."_ Rinoa took his fingers and closed the ring up in his hand. _"Keep it please. Maybe someday you can give it back to him."_

He looked at her uncertainly before nodding slowly. _"I…understand. Don't worry I'll keep it safe."_

* * *

"Miss?"

"Miss this is our last stop before we head back to the station in Deling. Are you getting off here?"

Rinoa came back to reality at the sound of the voice. She looked up at the impatient attendant in surprise. "Yes. I'm sorry I think I dozed off there for a moment. She tried to contain her fear. Truth be told she was scared to death to step off of that train. Fumbling in the overhead compartment for her duffle bag, she found it and slung the strap over her shoulder. Her footsteps were slow and hesitant as she made her way up the aisle. All the while she could feel the attendant's eyes burning holes in the back of her head.

When she reached the platform she found her suitcase waiting to greet her. Save for it the station seemed to be empty. Her anxiety increased as she hurried along to the exit, wanting desperately to be free of the silence. The sun glared into her eyes when she stepped out of the double doors, she squinted until her vision could adjust. A small and narrow dirt road stretched out before her. It was a little less than a mile walk to Winhill. The wind whispered gently through the surrounding pines as she took a deep breath and stepped onto the road.

The first step to a new beginning.


	14. Yesterday's Dream

**_Chapter Fourteen: Yesterday's Dream _**

"Why am I doing this again?"

Elise straightened his collar giving him a reassuring smile, "Because it's important to your career. The board is watching every move you make, and after your unexplained departure from Esthar, more questions are starting to rise."

"Why does every move I make have to be on public display? Can't they just leave me to my own life?"

She sighed brushing off a few pieces of lint from his uniform. "Your life is public, whether you like it or not. Squall, I know you don't want to do this…but it's important to me."

_"It's important to me."_

The very same words she echoed about calling Laguna all those months ago. She had put up with so much, and like always, he wanted her to be happy. Maybe making her happy was all he was capable of doing, or the only reason he found for breathing anymore. Maybe by making her happy, he wouldn't have time to reflect on his own failures.

"Fine, but I don't have to like it."

"No," she softly answered, reaching down to his gloved hands. "You don't have to like it…I promise."

"Don't _promise_ me anything Elise." He hadn't meant for the words to sound that spiteful. "I mean, I can take care of myself. Don't worry."

"Squall, I am worried. If I wasn't I wouldn't be human." She gave him a small wink intertwining their fingers. Maybe it came across as a joke, but in all reality, she was deathly serious. She tried not to let his behavior get to her, but slowly – step by step – he was sinking deeper into a dangerous place. She knew it. She saw each sign, and tried to think she could pull him out, or maybe his work could keep his head from drowning under the cruel ocean of self-doubt.

Just as she was about to say something to him, a young woman approached. "Commander Leonhart, Dr. Vandermere we are ready for you…if you could just step this way."

Elise smiled politely as she followed the woman into a small room. A man walked over, extending his hand toward the couple.

"Hello, I'm Robert Woods from the international press corps. I'm so glad you have decided to go ahead with this interview."

"It's our pleasure." Answered Elise sitting on one of the two chairs placed in front of the man. She looked over to Squall, who seemed almost oblivious to his surroundings. She just hoped that he would make it through this all right. One thing remained true, they were watching his every move…one more mistake, and there would be no return.

* * *

He tried not to look at his watch. But every second that ticked away was another lost into oblivion. He hated sitting here, acting like the perfect poster child for – well whatever the hell he was…Commander, Headmaster, Fiancée. The perfect couple, the perfect life, the one that children would dream of becoming…the real life hero – if they only knew the ghosts he saw everyday. The ones that haunted his every thought and the living nightmares that spoke to him.

In his head he heard Elise talking to the reporter, quietly laughing, and being the person that he wasn't. He felt a slight nudge at his side, and looked over to Elise, her smile brightly returning. She raised an eyebrow to him, "Right dear?"

"Of course." He answered, not knowing what the question was.

She knew he wasn't listening before, so looked back laughing at the reporter. "You know, that is one of the things I love most about him…his solid commitment to the job. Always thinking of Garden before his personal life, he is truly an asset to the SeeD program."

How wrong she was. Now Elise was making the lies for him, where did it stop?

"I would like to ask you a few questions now Headmaster Leonhart. What are your reflections on the Ultimecia affair? Now that a significant amount of time has past, how do you look back on it now?"

"Time is irrelevant. I _look back_ on it now, the same as I did back then. It should have never happened in the first place, the suffering and human tragedy will never be forgotten."

"Some of the first reports stated that you didn't return from Time Compression with the others. That it was almost a twenty-four hour period before they found you. Can you tell us what happened in that period?"

"No." The curt answer wasn't spoken, instead it was almost yelled to the reporter. Elise turned in shock. She had never heard that before, it certainly wasn't in any of her reports. Normally she would have written it off as a hearsay, but she knew him…his tone meant he was hiding something. Something that she wasn't even aware of.

"Squall?"

He shook his head denying any such event. But the expression hidden under his azure eyes told another story, she could see the pain beginning to well inside.

"Headmaster Leonhart, early reports had you romantically linked with the Sorceress Heartilly, can you validate any of the rumors?"

His fist balled so tight, he wanted nothing more than to savagely beat the man in front of him, this interview was nothing more than a tabloid newspaper. He felt a hand gently touch his leg, he didn't have to look at her face, and he could already see the empathy in her eyes. He didn't want it. Thank Hyne she was there, or this reporter's injuries would have been the new front-page story.

"No," he said through gritted teeth. "The sorceress and I were never involved."

It wasn't a lie. Really. The most she had ever done was sit on his lap, put her arms around him, and found a place into his heart unmatched by anyone else. But they were never 'involved.' Maybe it was to convince himself of that fact, or maybe it was to clear his consciousness to SeeD, to Elise, to every goddamned one of them. Squall Leonhart continued answering questions the reporter had not asked.

"She was my client. My losing her was the same as losing any other paying customer, it doesn't reflect well on the name of SeeD. Yes, the outcome bothers me. I mourn for the loss of potential revenue due to my mistakes."

"But when Esthar talked about moving her chamber up into space, you were the most vocal against it."

"Of course I was. I am a SeeD and our underlying purpose was to rid the world of sorceress.' Why would we want to squander any opportunity to study _them_, to learn their weakness? We could use that knowledge to benefit future generations, think of it…to live in a world free from the dominance of the likes of Ultimecia, Adel, or Rinoa."

Every word killed him, slowly driving him closer to a breaking point that would be inevitable. And it wouldn't have been the first time. But this time, there may not be any way of saving himself. Every day it grew harder, and every day he wanted the pain to end just a little bit more.

"So it's all professional then? You have no feelings of regret on a personal level?"

"I'm trained not to feel on a personal level. Again, I only suffer the loss of the revenue for Garden. For those mistakes I ask forgiveness of my peers."

"So if Esthar ever found a way to safely unseal her, what would be your reaction?"

He closed his eyes momentarily, although he thought about it everyday to hear the words coming from a stranger seemed like blasphemy. Standing up he tried to keep his composer intact, acting with the dignity expected of a headmaster. Another useless label they had thrust upon him at an early age.

"She is a sorceress, there is no safe way. We have all moved on. Let her memory be her legacy, let her legacy be in the freedom of Timber. But let Rinoa Heartilly rest her soul in peace."

He had to get out of here, he was suffocating in his own words. If he had the courage, he would have run out into the Trabian wilderness until his lungs collapsed under their own weight. He would have let the elements finish off his wretched existence, and maybe those around him wouldn't have been pulled down into the spiraling black hole that surrounded his heart.

But he had Elise.

She never deserved any of this; she never asked much of him. But she was always silently waiting there, day after day, night after night, holding him…trying to make the demons go away. Yet with each unselfish act, she was being pulled deeper into his void. She never deserved this, she never deserved him…no one needs that much pain. No one needs him.

He stood up, never saying goodbye. He walked outside the room leaning his head against the wall. If only he could feel, if only his heart wasn't this numb. He hadn't spoken about her that much to anyone, and it was tearing him apart. They would never understand. They couldn't.

Elise's voice grew louder, and her laugh was almost soothing to him right now. She was so polite, so damn courteous…everyone thought she was perfect. She was. So why wasn't it enough?

"Oh my god Squall, what was that in there?"

"It is what they want me to be. It is what you want me to be."

"Well sometimes I don't know who the hell you are!"

"Me either!" He spat back in anger.

"Why now? Why all of a sudden? We were doing so well, you were progressing…what changed? Was it this?" She tossed her left hand in front of his face, the diamond shined like a thousand dancing crystals in the light. "Is this it? If it is…I can take it off my hand right now, and we can forget the whole thing. I just want things to go back to they were before."

"Elise, what was I _before_? Who was I _before_? You keep thinking it because we are getting married, but it isn't. Taking off your ring isn't going to help."

"What…what is going to help?"

"I don't know," he whispered softly. "I don't know."

* * *

Leaning back in his chair Laguna Loire took a sip of his morning coffee; it had become a ritual over the last twenty-five years. The palace staff was very considerate of his daily habits, knowing it wise not to disturb the man until he had consumed at least two cups of coffee. As per the norm, the morning paper had been tossed on his desk by an intern. The President never knew which one, as they seemed to change more quickly than the weather in Dollet.

He quickly set aside the majority of the paper, heading immediately for the sports section. A few inserted ads trickled down onto the ground, and he mumbled as the papers landed softly on the floor. He continued searching for last night's score to the Galbadian hockey game, while simultaneously reaching to pick up the stray ads. He cursed under his breath when in perfect unison he hit his head on the edge of his desk and saw that his team was all but humiliated in the semi-finals. Although he had left many decades ago, his devotion to his hometown team never wavered - no matter how badly their season ended.

Placing the sports page down, Laguna was shocked when caught a glimpse of the society section. It was something that he would normally barely take note of, but seeing a picture of his son and Elise on the front was more shocking than the sports score. As he skimmed the article further his heart sank. He could feel the bitter insincerity of his son's comments, knowing full well the mask that Squall was now trying to hide behind. Laguna knew that those who didn't know his son would miss the spite in the words…maybe it really wasn't spite, but a hurt so deep that no one on this plane of existence dare comprehend.

Then he thought of another.

If somehow Laguna could have mustered the courage, he would have called Squall, yelling at him for being an insensitive jerk…but coming from his estranged father may have seemed like the greatest irony known to man. Without ever trailing his eyes from the article, he opened his top drawer running his fingers over the smoothness of the lion-headed ring. He sighed heavily as he finally laid the article down.

"I'm so sorry Raine." The elder man could barely keep the tears from forming in the folds of his eyes. Part of him ached for his son, while another part ached for the girl, _no woman_, which he had begun to think of as his own daughter.

He silently felt guilt for holding one of the few articles that his departed wife had left Squall…but returning it to him now would be out of the question. He truly had wished that it had remained with Rinoa, but it wasn't up to him any more…as far as he was concerned nothing was.

Squall's greatest wish in life was to have Rinoa happy. Rinoa wanted to remain anonymous, even to Squall – A paradox that Laguna lay squarely in the middle of. The clichéd irresistible force to the immovable object – what the saying never mentioned was which one would finally give…because in theory neither would bend, in reality there was always a weaker foe.

Clenching the ring in his hand, he picked up the receiver, "Get me Balamb Garden, Quistis Trepe."

* * *

Rinoa coughed as she lifted a dingy white sheet off an old rocking chair and was greeted with a face full of dust. She sneezed a couple of times before sitting on the floor in frustration. Looking around the room she sighed at the seemingly minute progress that had been made in a week.

_"This place doesn't need warmth Laguna, it needs renovation."_

The young woman shook her head of the thought immediately. This house had been a gift of kindness she would never be able to repay. Indeed she was very grateful. It would take some time, but she would make it livable again.

She had nothing else to do.

Walking back into the living room, Rinoa stopped when she saw the large bouquet of flowers sitting on the small dining room table. She sat down in front of them carefully removing the wilted leaves and tending them as she had done the last several days. Whether it was because they were the only other living things in the house or the sight of their simple beauty, she wasn't sure. But she found them intoxicating. She could sit and look at them for hours, breathing in their sweet smell. Never could she recall such an interest in flowers, sure they were pretty, but that was about it. Now it had become difficult to take her eyes off of them. They reminded her of life.

The flowers had been a housewarming gift from Laguna. She had found them sitting on the porch the morning after she arrived. A simple note attached to them read: "To new beginnings." The site of them nearly took her breath. It was as if someone had taken all the beauty in the world and slipped it into one small container. That had been the only night she had gotten any decent sleep. Gingerly she swept the dried leaves off the table. Their short lived splendor was slowly wilting away like everything else caught in the throes of time. She sighed and dropped the contents of her hands into a nearby waste basket.

A smack against the front door startled her nearly out of her skin. Cautiously, Rinoa approached the door and looked out of the peep hole for any sign of an intruder. Upon seeing no one she opened the door and slowly stepped out into the quiet street. Her feet nearly tripped over something and she looked down to see the noisy culprit. She picked up the newspaper and inwardly cursed her nervous paranoia as she walked back into the house.

It was something she was desperately trying to overcome, this crushing fear of the outside world. Never in her life could she remember being so afraid to step out of the front door. Esthar had been different. At least there she saw familiar faces. Now it was if she was coming out of the unsealing process all over again. Only this time the world was much colder and unaided. The young woman was determined not to spend the rest of her life as a prisoner in her own cell. She would confront this new world and she would merge herself with it.

But not today.

She made her way over to the couch where she ungracefully plopped onto the cushion in exhaustion. Dust surrounded her like a cloud of smoke. She choked as she fanned the debris away from her face. The paper crackled open between her fingers as she stared at the merging pictures and text.

Winhill's local paper appeared to be even more boring than the one she used to read in Timber. She flipped through the court report that consisted mostly of petty theft and chocobo rustling. Rinoa paused momentarily when she reached the social pages, her eyes caught amidst the happily engaged and married couples holding each other close. A sigh heavily escaped her lips. She couldn't suppress the thought that if it all hadn't happened the way it did, perhaps she would be one of those apparently happy people smiling through black and white ink.

The young woman shook the thought from her head. It wasn't worth thinking about. She couldn't keep living in the past. It wasn't healthy…her therapist told her so. As her fingers turned the page she nearly screamed as the past leapt from the pages before her like a jungle cat after its prey.

Squall stared back at her with the same piercing gaze she remembered from so long ago. He wasn't smiling; however his face wasn't contorted in the usual scowl. Elise stood by his side, her arms wrapped around him. The words _"On Top of the World:"_ appeared below them in big bold letters followed by a smaller caption that read _"Squall Leonhart Dispels Myth and focuses on a promising future." _Everything inside her screamed for her to close the newspaper immediately and not read one sentence more. She honestly tried…but it was like a car wreck on the side of the road…impossible to look away from.

It began much like the perfect fairytale with Elise going into detail about their individual successes and their lives together. A part of her was again happy for him, while the other had to restrain the urge to gag. She laughed inwardly as she read on. Elise was doing most of the interview for him which she found to be very typical Squall.

What little he did speak in the interview however was enough to rip her apart.

Every word hit her like a dagger in the chest. The wounds that were trying so desperately to heal split open again and the context of the words before her eyes blurred into one simple statement.

_"Time is irrelevant." _

_"The sorceress and I were never involved." _

_"She was my client." _

_"I mourn for the loss of potential revenue due to my mistakes."_

_"I'm trained not to feel on a personal level."_

_"We have all moved on." _

_"Let Rinoa Heartilly rest her soul in peace." _

A numbing ache enveloped Rinoa's body as she folded the newspaper and set it aside with slow and heavy movements. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream at the unfairness of life, anything that would release the pain inside her. She could manage neither however as she just stared mutely at the floor while the words consumed her from the inside out.

Was this how he felt? How they all felt? She was just a lost profit? No…that couldn't be right. They didn't have to be friends to her to gain income for Garden. But he had been so hard to read…was that really all she was to him? Images of him from behind the glass entered her mind…his hand against the surface…the look on his face…it was all just a goddamned show to make sure he got paid?

In anger she kicked the coffee table in front of her, knocking it to the ground. The newspaper slid a short distance across the wooden floor before smacking against the wall. She covered her face with her hands, the hot tears sliding through the cracks between her fingers. The last thing Rinoa wanted to do at that moment was cry. She didn't want to be weak anymore. The tears wouldn't heed though and the sobs began wracking her body. She pulled her knees up to her chest and began rocking slowly back and forth, something she had done for comfort since she was a child. It was the only solace she had in the empty house, save for the slow and even ticking of the grandfather clock across the room.

The sound of the telephone echoed through the silence nearly causing her to fall to the floor. She glared at the phone on the end table before turning away from it. They would go away eventually.

After the twelfth ring she lost her patience. She cleared her throat in a vain attempt to sound normal before picking up the receiver.

"Hello?" She said hoarsely.

"Rinoa? Hey are you alright?"

"Yeah, just got into some dust while I was cleaning the closet." She sniffed as if to verify her statement.

"Oh…well I didn't mean to bother you, just wanted to make sure you were getting along okay."

"I'm fine." She tried to contain the sob that was trying to escape her lips. "There's lots of work to do to the house…so its keeping me really busy."

On the other end of the phone line, Quistis listened intently…Rinoa sounded different…but it was no reason to assume she had seen the newspaper article. She swore the next time she saw Squall Leonhart she was going to kill him.

"Well that's good," she continued on the conversation. "Just don't work yourself too hard okay?"

"Yes mom," Rinoa said with a deadpan voice. "And I'll be in bed by eleven."

"That's a good girl," Quistis chuckled. "Listen the reason I was calling is that something has come up that I'm not going to be able to get away from. I'm afraid I won't be able to make it today…but I promise I'll see you first thing tomorrow. We can go celebrate in style then.

_"Celebrate?"_ She thought to herself. _"What on earth for?"_

"It's no big deal Quistis, honestly I'm doing fine."

"Now what kind of friend would I be if I didn't take you out for your birthday?"

She hadn't even realized, much less given it a lot of thought. Time had become an irrelevant matter after all.

"Sounds like a lot of fun," she said after a short pause.

"I'll talk to you soon okay?"

"Yeah, take care." She said automatically.

"You too."

The phone slid from her hand back down to the receiver. The young woman stood and carried the newspaper into the kitchen. She made ready to throw the thing into the trashcan. Her hand stopped just short of dropping it as she met his eyes. A wide range of emotions surged through her body. Part of her wanted so much to hate him. . It would have made it so much easier. While the other part hated herself for such selfish desires. Did she really expect him to wait his whole life for her? Furthermore she was making the assumption that he actually cared about her in the first place…maybe it had been her imagination all along. She slammed the newspaper against the counter in frustration. No matter what, Rinoa realized it was impossible to hate him. She sighed in defeat and put the newspaper into one of the empty kitchen drawers next to her.

She returned to the couch and lay down. Thoughts whirled through her mind at a dizzying pace. She pulled her knees up to her chest and curled up into a small ball in a vain attempt to comfort herself. Closing her eyes she realized she turned twenty-five today. Were she the same person as she used to be, she might have laughed at the irony of the old proverb that flashed before her eyes…now it just came out bitter.

_"Time flies."_

* * *

Quistis stared at the clock for the hundredth time. She loathed these monthly meetings between the Gardens. It was all a bunch of political jargon in which much was said about nothing at all. Being involved in everything certainly took its toll. Unfortunately she was learning the hard way. Her eyes darted over to the Trabian representative who looked as enthralled about all of this as she did. Squall had the right idea there…perhaps next quarter she could start sending a representative. The thought of Squall made her knuckles turn white with anger. What in hell had he been thinking? She knew nothing of what he said was the truth. The Squall she knew would have pummeled anyone to the ground for saying less than what he did.

She also knew that he wasn't the kind to be forced into anything. And from what she knew of Elise, she seriously doubted it was any of her influence. She was probably just as shocked and upset as she was. Quistis tried to give him the benefit of the doubt…though in truth she wanted nothing more than to confront him about it. But now was not the time. She would undoubtedly give away someone who had chosen to remain hidden. God how she hoped Rinoa hadn't seen that article.

"Ahem. Miss Trepe?"

She was startled out of her thoughts by the council's chairman. "Yes sir?"

"Are you are or are you not in favor of adjourning this meeting? Do you have something to add?" The older man stared at her sternly.

The headmaster looked around the table at the other members with their arms raised, looking at her in a pleading manor to be in favor of getting the hell out of that boardroom with them.

"No sir, I have nothing to add." She raised her hand and smiled sheepishly.

"Very well, I will see you all again next month." He pounded the gavel onto the table and stood. "Meeting adjourned."

* * *

Quistis squinted in the blinding sunlight as she stepped into the Galbadian courtyard. _"They should really consider holding some of these meetings outside for a change,"_ she thought to herself. _"They're turning us all into light sensitive vampires."_

She looked around at the beautiful topiaries circled around a large fountain in the middle of the square. The water fell in cascades down into the marble basin. It was so entrancing she nearly yelped when she felt something cold and wet press against her palm.

"Angelo!"

The dog wagged her nub of a tail furiously and licked the young woman's hand. She knelt down and scratched her ears. Angelo grunted happily.

"How's life treating you? I haven't seen you since Irvine's birthday party."

She complied with her answer by flopping over on her back, awaiting a belly rub. Quistis laughed and stroked the dog's thick fur between her forelegs. "Well I see someone must be spoiling you."

"Quisty!"

Upon hearing the shrill standard Selphie war cry, she stood and turned around to greet the girl bounding towards her. She swore that girl had as much energy now as she did when she was five. Someday she would have to ask her what her secret was. The thought was quickly squeezed from her however as she was enveloped in a tight hug.

"It's so good to see you!" Selphie beamed.

"You too." She said hoarsely against the choking pressure on her neck.

"Damn Selphie, you're going to asphyxiate a headmaster. That's not gonna look good on your record." A deep voice rose up from behind her.

"Hi Irvine." Quistis gurgled. "You're just in time to save me."

"It's my purpose in life darlin'." He said as he tipped his hat. "To save the world from Selphie."

"Sorry, sorry." Selphie said as she released the other woman. "It's just…so long between visits with all of you guys. I miss it so much. We were all together for so long…I feel like we're still a team."

"We are Selphie, we are."

"Yeah! You know, what we need is another world crisis so the six of us can go kick its butt!" She stopped short. "Well…the five of us anyway." The next few seconds were engulfed in uncomfortable silence.

"So anything new in the wide world of political bull crap?" Irvine broke the silence, trying to change the subject.

Quistis rolled her eyes. "Same old boring bull with the same old pile of boring sh--," She paused just as the council chairman walked by their little group. "Hello sir," She waved meekly. He nodded solemnly and continued on.

They all shared a quiet laugh when he was out of hearing distance. The headmaster looked down and for the first time noticed her friend's red and swollen eyes.

"Selphie? Are you okay? You look like you've been crying."

Irvine walked up behind Selphie shaking his head vigorously and sliding his finger across his neck in the universal sign for 'stop now if you know what's good for you.'

As if on cue the cheerful girl twisted her face into an agonizing frown as the tears begin to fill up in her eyes. Her bottom lip quivered while she tried to form words before the dam of emotions broke inside her.

Quistis looked at Irvine perplexed who only shook his head and muttered, "Well, there went my four hours of trying to cheer her up."

Finally the floodgates opened as she flung herself into the other woman's arms and wailed loudly. "Oh Quisty, it's so terrible! You wouldn't believe what they want me to do!"

Quistis patted her back in an attempt to comfort her. "What on earth are you talking about?"

Selphie mumbled something before breaking down into uninterruptible sobs, her hands clinging tightly to her friend's jacket.

"We're having issues with the bigwigs who control the finances about one of the dogs." Irvine said, adjusting his hat. "They told her that too much money was going into training a dog that would probably never be allowed into the field anyway."

"Why?"

"She's deaf." Selphie said softly and released her friend. "Even though she has been for all two years of her life…but leave it to them to point it out when they start sucking money out of all the Garden programs to put it into some sort of new robotics research!" She was near the octave of screaming.

"Now just relax Selphie…you nearly got us thrown out of here when you threw that tirade in the headmaster's office." Irvine wrapped his arm around the trembling girl.

"So she's been deaf since birth?" Quistis asked.

"Yeah," the young man replied. "She was one of Angelo's last puppies. Actually Angelo wasn't supposed to have anymore puppies at her age. But Jake got out of his kennel one warm spring night and well…one thing lead to another. So it was a really high risk pregnancy for her and her puppies. This one was the only survivor out of the three siblings. Turned out she didn't come away completely unscathed. She's always been so special to Selphie though."

"She's so smart Quistis," Selphie said while wiping her eyes. "Smarter than any of them that's been through the program. But none of the students will give her a chance…they are too damn lazy to do a little extra work!"

That statement gained the glances of a couple of students who quickly hurried past them.

"The SeeD commander told us that she would be too unpredictable in the field. It'd be like taking a gun without sights. Though like Selphie said, that dog has excelled in every single training exercise. She just relies on sight commands rather than whistles. We've tried to prove it to them again and again. They just don't want to listen."

"I know they aren't allowed to go to civilian homes, but couldn't someone from within Garden take her?"

"We've tried…but let's face it Quisty, everyone says they haven't got the time but in truth, no one wants a deaf dog."

"What do they expect you to do then?"

"Have her put down…," Selphie sobbed. "They expect _me_ to have her put down! I won't do it! I won't betray her like that! Not for them, not for anyone!"

Irvine wrapped his other arm around her and pulled her into a tight embrace. Her friend looked at her with sympathy, unsure of what to say. Suddenly a light flashed on inside her head. Of course…why didn't she think of it sooner…it was perfect.

"Selphie…I think I can help you."

She looked up from Irvine's jacket. "H…how?"

"I know someone that could really use a friend to stay with them right now. And I know your dog would be well loved and cared for there. It's a small place out in the country; there would be plenty of room for her to run. What do you think?"

Her eyes welled up with tears again. "Quisty I think I could kiss you!" She wrapped her arms tightly around her friend. "Thank you thank you…thank you so much!"

The headmaster hugged her back. "It's my pleasure. Now, you go and tell them you will carry out their orders. I will request an overnight stay here and go rent a car in Deling. Tonight we'll sneak her out and I'll take her straight to her new home."

Irvine smirked. "You've gotten quite cunning and deceitful in your old age Miss Trepe. I think I like it."

Quistis rolled her eyes.

"Oh wow!" Selphie chimed in. "This will be just like an episode of Mission Impossible!" She followed her statement by skipping and humming the theme song happily.

"So who exactly is this friend of yours hmm? Would this be that elusive beau you've been sneaking off and visiting for days upon end?"

"Beau? You mean boyfriend?"

He gave her a sly wink.

"I d…I mean…well…" She shrugged slightly. Well that wasn't really a lie…just wasn't a straight answer.

"You know you can't keep him locked away forever don't ya? He'll have to come out of hiding sooner or later."

"Whatever Irvine, I'll see you two tonight. Meet me near the entrance."

"Alrighty then Squall," he replied as he removed his hat and bowed. "But seriously, thank you again for this."

"Glad I could help."

"Bye Quisty! See you tonig…I mean later!" Selphie began to skip away.

"Bye!...Oh hey Selphie I forgot…what's her name?"

The younger girl turned and smiled. "Esperanza! It means hope in Spanish!"

Quistis smiled at that. It was perfect.

Rinoa could definitely use some hope right now.


	15. Reason to Believe

**_Chapter Fifteen: Reason to Believe _**

Rinoa was up at dawn. It had been a strange habit she had acquired since moving into the house. Before that time she would have considered getting up anytime before 9 a.m. to be complete madness. She took another bite of the piece of toast in her hand as she stared absently out of the living room window. Signs of the small village coming to life were everywhere. Shopkeepers were sweeping off their entranceways, people running down to the coffee shop for a quick breakfast before hurrying off to work. This was as chaotic as life seemed to get around here. She wasn't sure if it was peaceful or just plain boring.

Taking the last gulp of orange juice she set the glass down and grabbed her jacket off one of the dining room chairs. Today was the day, she made up her mind. Rinoa Heartilly was going to go outside. She took a deep breath and turned the door knob. The brisk winds of early March were the first to greet her as she stepped out the door. The cold sank into her bones and she nearly backpedaled inside the house. "No, I'm going to do this," she encouraged herself. "I have too."

With renewed confidence, she managed to close the door behind her and step out into the street. People smiled and nodded greetings to her as they walked passed. Some even made time for verbal salutations to which she responded in kind. Why hadn't she done this sooner? What exactly had she been afraid of? The young sorceress walked down the cobblestone street feeling a certain freedom from the prison bars she had built around her during the past couple of weeks.

Her memories were hazy about the place they had visited so many years ago. The town seemed foreign and new, she didn't recognize anything. A shop that was a small distance away from the rest of them caught her eye. The small sign that hung above the doorway read 'Village Florist'. This must have been where Laguna's flowers had come from. They were so pretty. Perhaps she could get a couple more arrangements for the house.

The bell above the door gave a small jingle as she opened it and stepped inside. The smell of flowers immediately filled her senses. Rinoa nearly gasped as she looked around the beautiful room. Flowers of all shapes and sizes surrounded her. Some were cut and in vases while others were potted in planters. The flowers were enhanced by the light shining through the stained glass windows. It was breathtaking, and somehow there was a sense of familiarity to it.

She snapped out of her trance and walked over to sniff the white chrysanthemums on the small shelf in front of her. A voice from the back room nearly caused her to knock the vase of flowers over.

"I'll be with you in just a minute!"

Rinoa turned to see an older woman coming down the stairs from the second floor. She was dressed in standard gardener attire with the sunhat, the polo shirt, and clam digger pants. Though she had to admit, the makeup was rather overdone…

"Sorry about that dear, had to catch the last part of my soap opera. I swear that Kyle McCarthy is the sexiest hunk of meat this side of Deling!"

The girl smiled uneasily and nodded. At this point she felt it wise to agree.

Approaching the counter the old woman smiled. "So what can I help you with today?"

"Um, I was just look–I mean I would like to buy some flowers...for the house." Rinoa stammered and pointed in the direction of her home. She felt like such an idiot.

"Say, I don't believe I've seen you around here before. You just move in?"

"Yeah…a couple of weeks ago, I'm staying a short distance up the street. The house used to be next to a bar I think."

The old woman's eyes lit up. "Oh! Raine's old place! Then you must be the niece Laguna spoke of on the phone." She came out from behind the counter and looked her up and down. "Why yes, I do see the similarity. It's a pleasure to meet you Miss Loire, I'm Maude McCay. Such a sweet man your uncle…handsome too."

_Niece…that was a good cover…she would have to thank Laguna later._ "Yes he is. That's kind of you to say, as he told me he was never very popular around here."

Maude scoffed and shook her head. "This town is full of narrow-minded hypocrites honey. You'll just have to overlook them. But I believe he was and still is a good man."

"I agree."

"Well then, there are two sane people living in Winhill." She gave the younger girl a wink.

Her next few actions would leave her to question that statement.

"So what kind of flowers would you like to–"

Her statement was cut short by a shrill cry from outside. Maude glanced towards the back door and sighed. "Excuse me just one moment dear." Rinoa watched as she reached under the counter, pulled out a sawed-off shotgun, and ran storming out the back door.

"Stop stealin' from my garden you damned sons-of-bitches!" She screamed as she fired the shotgun in the air. The young sorceress cringed at the blasts as she looked on with her mouth agape.

A loud wark echoed into the building and she saw a Chocobo run by the doorway.

"Get him Lucky! Kick him in his thieving ass!" She heard the woman shout.

A few moments later she returned inside slightly out of breath and anything but calm. "How in the world do honest people make a living while ingrates like that just come over and help themselves to your profits?"

Rinoa was too afraid to say anything. The woman was still holding the shotgun under one arm. Maude could see the fear in the young woman's eyes and she softened her tone.

"I'm sorry you had to witness that. It's just falling on desperate times around here and well, people waltzing in here and stealing my livelihood tend to really rub me the wrong way. This was my sister's business. She passed away six years ago, left this place to me. It's honestly all I can do to keep it running. Sometimes it hardly seems worth it. But I don't know…if anything, it's just a way for me to honor her memory." She smiled and thought for a moment. "That old stubborn cow."

Rinoa smiled nervously. "Hey, I understand." At least she thought she might. The whole gun thing was still scary.

"Would you like to see my garden?"

"Sure, as long as you put the gun away."

The old woman laughed as she placed the shotgun back under the counter. "Don't worry dear, they're just blanks."

She led her to the back door and opened the latch. Rinoa's eyes were immediately filled with rows upon rows of flowers of all kinds. The unparalleled splendor of the site made her realize why Maude was so protective of it.

The old woman grinned as she watched her eyes widen. "Pretty, isn't it?"

"Amazing…" she breathed. "How…how did you do all of this?"

"Well my sister had it well started when I took over the business. I just sort of helped it along."

Rinoa became mesmerized by the endless rows of bright colors shifting gently in the breeze. "It's so beautiful."

A shrill chirp startled her from her daydream. She darted her eyes towards the orientation of the sound to see a medium sized chocobo approaching the both of them.

"Ah!" Maude exclaimed. "And this fine upstanding gentleman is my partner in crime, Lucky."

At the sound of his name, Lucky warbled and flapped his wings excitedly. He reached into the doorway with his long neck to nuzzle the older woman. "That's a good boy Lucky," she said as she reached into her pocket and handed him a few bits of greens.

"I bought him when one of those traveling livestock auctions came into town about five years ago. He was headed to the meat factory and I wasn't going to stand for it. Little guy like that, no one would give him a chance. So what if he's a tad small, he gets his work done! Don't ya boy?"

Lucky chirped softly and then turned to inspect the new stranger. The young woman slowly held out her hand to him, which he inspected immediately for food. Upon finding none, he tilted his head slightly to allow her to scratch it.

Rinoa smiled and complied to his request, rubbing his feathers gently with her fingers. "So he is your watch dog, huh?"

"Yeah, and he helps me make some local deliveries, mostly though he just keeps an old woman company."

She gave him one last pat on the head. "Well I'm sure he gets a lot of happiness from you as well."

"Yes, I suppose he does. I spoil him rotten."

Rinoa chuckled. It had been so long since she felt this kind of serenity. Just being amidst the flowers, all of her inner turmoil seemed to weaken and retreat to the recesses of her mind. These tender plants battled storms and the cold all the time. And they managed to bounce back and remain grounded. Somehow that seemed to give her some hope as well.

"So, you decided on the type of flowers you want?" Maude finally spoke breaking her from her thoughts.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I dazed out there for a second. Um…wow…I don't know. They're all so beautiful. What do you suggest?"

"Well, we could do you a mixed vase with some wild flowers, those are always nice. And how about a bouquet of irises? They are gorgeous this time of year."

"Iris?" Where had she heard of that? Someone had mentioned irises before.

"Oh they are one of my absolute favorites!" The older woman said as she walked out into the garden. She cut one of the flowers near the door and brought it over to her. It was a marvelous flower. The bottom petals spread wide around the rest of the flower that curved upwardly in an elaborate display of grace. The familiarity of seeing them before still nagged at her.

"It's gorgeous."

"Isn't it though?" Maude said excitedly. "They come in all sorts of colors, sometimes more than one color. You know the name iris means…"

"Rainbow." Rinoa muttered aloud.

"Why…yes that's right! How did you know that?"

"I can't…remember. Someone must have mentioned that before…I don't know. Maybe I read it somewhere." She shook her head. "Oh well. But yes, I will take a dozen of those. They are really wonderful.

Maude nodded with a smile and went out into the garden again to retrieve the flowers. She returned a few minutes later with an armful of flowers. She sat them upon a large table in the back of the store and began arranging them in vases.

"Maude?"

"Yes?"

"Do…you need any help around here? I mean…would you consider hiring someone?"

"I wish I could, but the way things are right now, I can't afford to pay anyone." She replied.

"Oh no, I don't want any pay…I mean…if you didn't have to pay them and all." God she felt so embarrassed.

The old woman stopped arranging for a moment and looked at her with a kind smile. "You're a real sweetheart you know that? Honestly I would hire you in a second sweetie. The truth of the matter is, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep this place open. Business is really slow, not to mention those hoodlums who think they can just waltz in my backyard and help themselves. The bill collectors are breathing down my neck and the rent on this place is way passed due. I'm waiting for that little man from the bank to come running with a foreclosure notice any day now."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault dear. I'm sorry I have nothing to offer you. I would just hate for you to start working here only to have you booted out with the rest of us the next day. But hey, you never know when things might turn around. And if they do, you will be the first person I'll call on."

The young woman nodded. "Thank you. I'll be glad to help."

They continued their conversation until she was finished arranging the flowers. Rinoa paid for the flowers and thanked her. Maude placed the vases in a tote bag for easy carrying.

"Now you come back again and visit me okay? I'll take you around town and show you all the swinging hot spots!"

Rinoa laughed. "I'd like that."

"I'm sorry dear, I didn't catch your first name."

"I'm Ri…" She caught herself, using her given name might draw unneeded attention. The woman herself assumed her last name was Loire, so Rinoa could build her new life around that. She could think of no greater honor than being considered a relative of Laguna's.

"I'm Renee Loire."

Saying goodbye, Rinoa made it outside of the door before a voice came from the recesses of her mind and a memory suddenly flashed before her eyes.

She had been here before…with Squall. She remembered now. They were looking for a piece of a broken vase in the large mansion up the road. She had been looking at the flowers when he had walked up behind her.

_"These are beautiful. I wonder what they're called?"_

_"Irises."_

She had turned around in surprise at the sound of his voice and the fact that he knew anything about flowers.

_"They used to grow out behind the orphanage."_ He said in answer to her visible astonishment.

_"That's a pretty name, iris, I wonder what it means?"_ She felt like a complete idiot

_"It means rainbow. In one of the mythologies, Iris was a messenger to the gods, cloaked in a robe of dewdrops that reflected the stars. She communicated to them through a rainbow, which was thought to be a bridge between heaven and earth."_

_"That's beautiful Squall, where did you learn that?"_

He shrugged it off as if he hadn't said anything._ "Just standard text book stuff."_

They had started to leave before he spoke to her again. A statement which told her there was more to him than the stone exterior he portrayed all the time.

_"It's good I think that there are places like this that grow the flowers. The ones that grow wild will probably be gone soon."_

She returned to the present, still standing in front of the doorway of the flower shop. The last words he had said repeated again in her mind. Perhaps it would be here that she could make a difference, do something worthwhile for someone and help preserve a fading part of nature.

Carefully she placed the tote bag to one side and opened the door wide with a new resolve. The bell above the door clanged frantically at the force.

"Maude! I think I can help you!"

* * *

Quistis put the car into park in front of Rinoa's house. She sighed tiredly and turned the ignition off. It had been a long trip. She glanced in the back seat and found her passenger sound asleep.

"Hey there sleepy head," she said as she reached over and gently stroked her head so as not to alarm her. The dog stirred a bit and raised her head.

"Are you as ready to get out of this car as I am?"

Esperanza yawned.

"I'll take that as a yes."

The headmaster stepped out and walked around to the back door. She opened it and took the dog's leash. Esperanza quickly stepped out of the car, thankful to be out of the cramped space. She stretched and began smelling the new scents of the strange area.

Quistis knelt down and motioned to her to come. She obeyed dutifully and sat patiently while this new human tied a loose bow of ribbon around her neck. "I know you'll be happy here," she said as she looped one side of the bow. "This girl you're about to meet is one of the kindest most gentle people I know. Think Selphie, only a lot less…caffeine." Esperanza cocked her head curiously, watching the woman's mouth move.

She laughed. "I know you can't hear me, but for some reason I just feel the need to talk to you. I've definitely been driving too long. Let's see…" She thought for a moment and then raised a hand in front of the dog, bringing down her middle and forefingers and motioning with the remaining fingers and thumb.

"Good girl," she said slowly.

The dog licked her hand and wagged her stubby tail furiously.

"Looks like I might be getting the hang of this," she smiled. "Okay let's go." Quistis led Esperanza up the cobblestone street passing the old bar. She knocked on the door and waited. A few moments passed and she looked down at the dog. "Look respectable now." She responded by lying down. The young woman rolled her eyes.

She knocked on the door once more and still received no reply. Taking the doorknob in her hand she turned it and found the door to be unlocked. She opened the door and led the dog inside.

"Rinoa?"

"Rinoa are you home?"

Quistis looked around the house. "She must have gone to look around Winhill today. Good for her." She walked over to the couch and sat down, kicking her shoes off in the process. "Well I see no wrong in us making ourselves comfortable until she gets back do you?" Esperanza looked at the new surroundings with a nervous excitement.

It wasn't too long before the doorknob turned and one could hear the audible cursing of someone who realized they hadn't locked the door. That is of course except Quistis Trepe, who had fallen fast asleep.

"Quistis?"

At the sound of her name, Quistis opened one eye and smiled. "Hey Rin," she said sleepily. "I made myself at home."

"Oh my god, how long have you been waiting here? I'm so sorry!"

The headmaster glanced at her watch. "Not long at all. Didn't mean to barge in but I saw the door was unlocked and just thought I would come in and wait. It was a long trip"

"You know I don't mind," Rinoa replied shutting the door behind her. "Really Quistis, you didn't have to come all the way down here."

She smiled. "Yes I did."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

Suddenly something cold touched the back of Rinoa's hand. She yelped and spun around in surprise. Esperanza backed away quickly in her own shock. The two stared at each other for a few moments.

Quistis' smile widened. "I had to bring you your birthday present."

* * *

Too many times he found himself staring at the vastness of the mountainous horizon. It was as if the snow-covered peaks held a silent fascination - a hypnotic trance that seemed to be slowing overtaking all aspects of his life. For a second, he wondered just how much weight the mountain could withstand before the inevitable avalanche came crashing downward.

He had watched for months…the subtle buildup that would eventually lead to the peak's own demise. Each snowflake alone was seemingly weightless, but combined each became a dangerous, and sometimes lethal, combination.

He took a sip of his coffee. If he had cared, he would have cringed as the burnt grounds floated in the sea of caffeine. It was amazing how one secretary could mess up something so simple, but he was not one who had earned the right to pass judgment on messing up the obvious.

Turning back toward his desk, he looked at the mound of paperwork that loomed in the shadows. It seemed over the past few days he felt more comfort in the darkness, and the lighting in his office reflected his recent disposition. It was as if in the last few months, the foundation that he had built in sanity was slowly ebbing away.

The buzzing of the intercom sliced through the stillness like the ever clichéd knife. He inwardly cringed. It was never a good sign this early in the morning - some reporter, some student, or some old friend trying to give him some moral encouragement.

_"Headmaster Leonhart?"_ His assistant's voice softly questioned.

Closing his eyes, he wished to be far away from this place, maybe standing on the crest of the mountain range that had been his companion for the last five years. It was majestic, unwavering, and most importantly, it never faded away like a dream when the morning came.

But honor and duty were all he had left… With a sigh, he reached down pressing the button. "Go ahead."

_"You have a call on line one, sir."_

"Can you take a message?" It really wasn't what he wanted to say, but it was more polite than his initial thought.

_"Sir, it is the president of Balamb Banking and Trust. He's rather adamant about speaking with either you or Headmaster Trepe."_

"Well then…have him call Headmaster Trepe."

This time he didn't try to hide the anger or sarcasm contained in his voice. "_If it is a Balamb matter he is calling on, I'm sure she is more than capable of handling any situation."_

There was a long pause on the other end, before the voice tentatively continued, _"Sir, I am afraid that Ms. Trepe is reportedly on personal leave and unavailable at this time. The gentleman is insisting that you are the only other person that he is authorized to speak with."_

He grinded his teeth together, unsure of what he was more upset about. The fact he was going to handle a situation out of his jurisdiction, or the fact that Quistis had taken another one of her recent flights-of-fancy giving little, if any, notification.

"Fine."

He slammed his coffee mug down on his desk, accidentally spilling some of the hot contents over the brim. The headmaster tried calming himself, wondering why every little thing - all of a sudden - was getting to him so much more than before.

As the towel soaked up the final liquid puddles, he hit the red flashing light.

"This is Headmaster Leonhart."

_"…ll of __Balamb Banking and Trust. We have had a request for an emergency requisition and need an authorized signature to proceed."_

The speakerphone cut short the official introduction, but Squall understood enough to know that the bank was calling the wrong person.

"Sir, I'm not sure what information you have, but I left Balamb Garden several years ago. All trust fund and benefit distributions to former and/or disabled SeeDs must be handled by the Balamb administrative staff… I believe that would fall under either Headmaster Trepe or her immediate assistant."

_"I am aware of that, sir. As far the bank is concerned, you have no other ties with our institution. All of the existing accounts are correctly distributed, but somehow this one was missed… I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience…"_

Squall spoke through gritted teeth, fully irritated by the bank's lack of organizational skills. He distanced himself from Balamb as much as possible. Everything there just reminded him of… No, he couldn't do that now.

He just couldn't.

He ran his fingers through his hair, before resting his palm on the base of his neck. The Headmaster finally responded in a somewhat annoyed manner. "Fine, have whatever you need signed faxed over to my assistant." He tried to control his growing anger, wondering how an account could have been missed after so long. "How exactly is it that only one account was found after a five-year period?"

_"Our belief is that withdraws from this particular trust had been nonexistent, also the account was classified as non-military. Due to the categorization, it was never switched with the change in personnel. This shouldn't happen again. A request was made a few weeks ago to have your name removed… Unfortunately, the paper work hasn't cleared. We're just awaiting the return of the signature card."_

"Whatever," the word came out as a little more than a grumble. It wasn't intentional, but he glanced behind his shoulder looking at the sky. The storm clouds had been rolling in over the last few minutes. A sprinkling of snowflakes coated the air. From the corner of his eye, he saw a basketball rolling past the court into a nearby field. A young cadet quickly ran after the rogue item.

_"Look! Look! A gift from the fairies!"_

Selphie's voice resonated through his mind like crashing waves. It hadn't been more than a fortnight since he'd collapsed onto the pavement outside. In the background, he could hear the instructions through the speaker, followed by useless pleasantries that Squall despised most about etiquette.

_"…in today's society you know how everyone's tempo seems to be picking up, and in the world of banking we can never be too safe. I thank you for your time, Headmaster Leonhart."_

_"But when the battles start happening, it's different. Everyone's tempo seems to pick up and..." _

Rinoa's almost final words played like a bittersweet melody, something snapped in him, a strange blend between miraculous recovery and extreme insanity.

"Wait!"

He yelled, grabbing the receiver off the cradle. His actions were a little more overzealous than even he could explain. "I'm sorry," his tone softened with the apology, "I…I didn't catch your name earlier."

_"Jefferson Mitchell, President of the Balamb…"_

Squall knew 'who' he worked for, and for all intents and purposes, decided to forego the usual protocol. "Listen, you said that this was a non-military account. How many civilian accounts does your bank serve as executor for…in partnership with Garden?"

_"Well, there are several retired employees who receive benefits, but those have regular withdraws. We've been taking care of those internally when they appear. However, most were found within a few months of your departure. As I mentioned, Headmaster Trepe takes care of removing your name. We just hadn't had a disbursement request on this account until recently."_

"What is the account number?"

_"Sir, I sincerely apologize, but I cannot give that information over the phone."_

If reaching his hand through the receiver hadn't been an impossible feat, he would have done it in a heartbeat. "Listen, if you want me to sign this goddamned paper…just tell me the number."

_"The information you have requested, should be there by now. I've faxed the document to the number we had on file. All the relevant information should be contain--"_

He slammed down the handset with the force of a typhoon, leaving his office with equal velocity. Without speaking a word to his assistant, he grabbed the lone sheet of paper lying facedown on the machine.

In one moment, two words would etch like light on a negative. Two words that he had long since refused to see in print. Two words that changed his life eight years ago…Rinoa Heartilly. The letters seemed to burn into his retinas, and for a brief second, he allowed himself to believe. Then it quickly faded when reality set in…his reality.

It wasn't possible. It would never be possible.

He reached to the phone, hands shaking as he prayed for some sort of salvation that would never come. He dialed a once familiar number, one that he had called almost daily for the first two years.

_"City of Esthar, Military Planning and Development…how shall I direct your call?"_

"Squall Leonhart for Kiros Seagill."

_"Hold please."_

The moments ticked into an endless eternity and the orchestrated versions of love songs decades old didn't help lighten his mood. As he waited on hold, he sat at his computer pulling up classified files from Balamb Garden's central computer.

_"Squall, I'm surprised to hear from you."_

A sudden apprehension overtook him, like a young child feeling the guilt of breaking their parent's favorite vase. He forced himself to remain calm. However, the irresistible urge to slam the receiver down reigned foremost on his mind. He gathered courage to ask a question that he hadn't uttered in over five years.

"Kiros…has…has there been any change on…" He closed his eyes, swallowing, as he couldn't get himself to say the name. "On…her condition?"

_"What? Who?"_

It felt almost impossible to speak, just asking the question felt as if he was being unfaithful to Elise. But he had to know…it wasn't an option.

_"Has there been any change on…Rinoa's status?"_

A long pause followed at the other end, followed by a voiced that mimicked that of a father comforting his young son. "No Squall, I am sorry. A few months back the researchers thought they had a breakthrough in Dr. Odine's notes. It was only estimated a ten percent chance of survival…and almost a hundredth of that to regain full motor skills."

_"They are still trying."_ It wasn't a question, closer to a demand.

_"Yes, but the reality of unsealing is no longer a priority. I can't convey my deepest apologies…but the chances of success are infinitesimal. Studies are now primarily focusing on Odine's notes as a whole."_

"So, nothing has changed."

He wasn't sure why he asked again, it wasn't as if the answer was going to change on will alone. Hell, if that were the case, it would have changed eight years ago.

_"No Squall."_

He placed the receiver back onto the cradle. If she was still sealed in Esthar, the money was being withdrawn by an outside source. If he wanted to catch whoever was embezzling the funds, he would have to approve the withdrawal. From there, he could follow the routing number and trace it to their location.

In any other case, he would have turned the matter over to the proper authorities, but this was different. This was personal. Taking her money was the equivalent of placing her coffin in the ground. Whoever was stealing would pay…no matter whom it turned out to be.

This was it. The final snowflake that would eventually collapse the weight of the mountain…the avalanche from which he would never escape.


	16. Two Steps Behind

**_Chapter Sixteen: Two Steps Behind _**

The window blinds allowed slivers of the morning light to creep across the carpet. This wing of the Palace seemed almost barren, save for a few aides arriving in their offices. Then again, who in their right mind would intentionally be up at the crack of dawn? Right now, he couldn't focus himself on preparing for this meeting. His mind was flooded with thoughts of both regret and self-doubt. The President of Esthar respectfully nodded as a few advisers rounded the corner. This was going to be a long day.

His mind had been working overtime, trying to process the vast amounts of data. Laguna cataloged his mistakes into one simplistic report, naming all the causalities in his wake. Mulling about Rinoa's departure seemed to be taking a toll on his political duties. Part of him couldn't help thinking he had lost a daughter, and once again was reminded of how much he had missed in his son's life. Losing her was reliving every costly mistake over again.

The other part of him was screaming to stop his brooding and think about what was best for the country. But maybe that is what he always did…thought of the country. In his life, he had taken little time to think about anything else. It was safer that way…Esthar could never fade or leave with a single dying breath. He was hiding behind the translucent walls of the city, the same way Squall hid behind the walls of himself.

Entering a small conference room, he looked around and was glad to find that he was the first one there. On the table lay several brown envelopes, coffee cups, and two small baskets of fruit placed on either end. Reaching down he selected a green apple, before sitting and looking through a folder.

He heard footsteps behind him, and turned over his shoulder to see who had entered.

"Hey Kiros, it looks like the budget is well under estimates for the fiscal year. Least we got something positive to show the Cabinet this quarter."

"Yes," his lifelong friend answered, grabbing a pear from the bowl. The military advisor set his briefcase on the table, flipping open both locks with a flip of the wrist. "You know…I was looking over the figures last night and I noticed the strangest irregularities."

"What, the white robes are suddenly costing more?"

"No." Kiros pulled out a piece of paper from his attaché, placing it directly in front of Laguna. "Looks like for the last two quarters energy costs were greatly reduced at the Memorial…almost non-existent."

"What?" Laguna tried to act surprised, but his acting skills were never award caliber in the first place. "Well, I'm guessing that is some kind of typographical error."

"I might have thought so too, if I hadn't also noticed these." He placed a second computer printout directly over the first. "Looks like we also have had a sudden reduction in water usage, security costs, and overall manpower…but I'm sure these other monetary figures are also mistakes."

"Yeah, guess we will have to look into those…it sure is strange. Thanks for bringing it to my attention."

"Oh, it wasn't me…actually it was _Squall_."

Laguna forgot to thoroughly chew his bite of apple, gagging as it caught in his throat. "What? Squall…what in the hell is he doing with copies of our figures?" He pounded his fist on his chest trying to regain his composure.

"Nothing. Actually, I received a call from him yesterday… It had been the first time in years he had called asking about Rinoa's condition. I would've probably dismissed the whole thing, had I not discovered these budget irregularities last night."

"What…what did you say to him?" He tried not to appear worried, but his leg involuntarily started shaking. It was a nervous habit that never seemed to weaken with time.

"I told him the _truth_. There had been no change that I was aware of, also mentioned that research funding had shifted several months ago… At the time, I figured you realized the money could be more beneficial spent elsewhere. Now I'm wondering…there seems to be an amazing correlation in your change of heart and lack of daily expenses. I plan on taking a trip over there after the meeting…if that is all right with you."

"Don't." Laguna said in defeat. It was obvious that Kiros knew the secret, and lying outright was something that the President was incapable of doing. Omitting certain facts on the truth was a completely different situation…

"So, how long ago?"

The President scratched the nape of neck, knowing it was only a matter of time before others found out. "About eight months."

"And you didn't think it was necessary to tell me?"

"It was a need to know basis…and I didn't know what the chance of her surviving the process would be. It honestly was nothing short of a miracle, but Damnit I had to try… After rehab, the decision to go public was left up to Rinoa…she chose to live in anonymity."

"Plausible deniability," added Kiros, understanding why he'd been left out of the informational loop. Yesterday if he had known the truth, he didn't believe that he would be able to keep it from Squall. All those phone calls, all those glimpses of hope, all the time Kiros said 'no'…it would have been a godsend to say 'yes.'

"So Mr. President…I'm gathering there are several dozen workers who are aware, you don't think they are going to remain quiet forever?"

"No, I don't suppose. I just wanted to give her a fighting chance at a normal life."

"And what about Squall? Whose decision was it not to tell him?"

"Hers," he couldn't hide a cynical laugh. "Ironic how Squall's greatest wish would be to see her happy – and what she says will make her happy…is not to tell him that she's alive. It's like being between the preverbal rock and a hard place. I can't make either happy, without betraying the others trust." He paused knowing that something had to have triggered his son in calling. "Did Squall happen to say what made him to call?"

"Nothing was elaborated on…are you going to try to find out?"

"No," the President answered remorsefully. "If I call back and ask, it will only draw suspicion." He looked at the papers sitting on the table, handing them both back to his friend.

A thousand thoughts ran through his head, what could he do to warn Rinoa about the possibility of exposure? He could call her directly, or have Quistis start to investigate. Somebody in Trabia had to know something. Then he even contemplated contacting Elise, but that idea quickly faded. Or he could do the most drastic thing of all…nothing.

Laguna's tone softened, and for a split second, Kiros could have sworn a smile passed by the President's lips. "Some thing made him call…and it's not my place to find out. I promised Rinoa that I wouldn't _tell_ him, and I will never betray that trust. But if it is meant to happen, there is nothing I, or anyone else, can do. I'll not try to stop anything decided by the will of fate."

* * *

Squall reached into his closet and pulled out a medium sized leather tote bag. He halfway turned and tossed it on the bed, along with a couple of shirts.

"So it's true then?"

The voice cut through the air of the room, breaking him from his frantic thoughts. The young man turned towards the doorway and acknowledged the speaker.

"Yes." He walked over to the chest of drawers and began rummaging through his socks.

"Why are you doing this?"

He looked at her like she had lost her mind. "Someone is committing a crime Elise! I'm going to find out what the hell is going on and put a stop to it."

She raised an eyebrow at his sudden hostility. "If someone is committing a crime, you should let the police handle it. You're not a one man judge and jury Squall."

The headmaster put a hand to his head in frustration. "Look…this…is something I have to do okay? I don't want this to turn into a long and drawn out legal battle. I won't be gone long, a couple of days. The Garden can manage fine without me."

"Do you _know_ what is happening in five days?"

"Damn it, yes! The trial, I am very well aware of my upcoming song and dance in front of the counsel."

He hadn't meant to snap at her. It was just that he couldn't take a lecture about this right now. All the times he had failed before, he had this one chance to do something right by Rinoa. And he would be damned if he failed again.

The hurt was showing plainly in Elise's eyes.

Squall walked over and put his arms around her. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…"

"I know…I know why you are going. I'm just scared. I won't stop you; I just wish…there was another way." She wrapped her arms around him tightly. Something in the back of her mind kept nagging at her. It had been ever since she heard from his secretary he was leaving on some wild goose chase. Now it was telling her that this would be the last time she would ever hold him. That somehow this trip would change everything. She wished to God she knew how.

Because not knowing was terrifying.

"I'll be worried sick," she said against his shoulder.

"Everything will be fine. I will call you when I get there."

"Do you know where you are going?"

"The bank traced the last withdrawal to an address in Winhill. So I guess I'll start there."

"Just…be safe alright?"

Squall pulled back from her a little and took her face with his hands. He brought her gaze upward until it met his own. "I'll be okay, and back here in plenty of time to prepare for the trial. Trust me, alright?"

"I do." Elise said softly, fighting the tears that were threatening to fall. And she did mean it. However trusting the hands of fate was an entirely different matter.

* * *

Quistis smiled as she watched Rinoa playing on the floor with the dog. An almost childlike aura of innocence seemed to radiate from the sorceress in those few moments. A part of her that had been lost a long time ago. Esperanza had formed a bond with the girl immediately. In less than 24 hours the dog was behaving just like she had been here all along.

The blonde took another sip of coffee. "So Rin, you never did tell me about your trip around town yesterday, did you get to meet anyone new?"

"Oh! I nearly forgot! I have a job!" She said excitedly.

"Rinoa that's wonderful! Well don't leave me in the dark, I need details!"

"I went to the flower shop down the street yesterday, just to get some more flowers for the house. And I don't know, it was just so peaceful, so familiar. I finally remembered that we had been there before. I guess that was it. Anyway, I started talking to the owner. She's quite a character; you'll have to meet her. Before I knew it, I got myself hired."

"That's fantastic Rin, I'm so happy for you."

"Yeah, and it only cost me 50,000 Gil."

Quistis nearly spilled her coffee. "What?"

"She was going to lose the place. So I bought it. Honestly I didn't know what I was going to do with all of that money in the account. This seemed like a good investment for some of it."

She smiled. "I agree. Don't worry; I'll take care of the paperwork when I get back to Balamb."

"Well…" Rinoa started slowly. "I sort of already signed for it. The bank was going to foreclose any day, so I just went ahead."

She watched as the older woman's face blanched.

"Was…was that okay?"

"…Yeah," Quistis managed. "Yeah that was fine." While worried thoughts of the transfer information leaking out ran through her mind. The young sorceress could see it as plain as day.

"Oh Hyne, I've screwed up haven't I?" She replied uneasily.

The instructor didn't want to alarm her. She was already put through enough stress as it was. Besides, she was probably just getting worked up over nothing. The bank would most likely wait for her return to Balamb anyway. The transaction of the account control to her was only a breath near completion.

"No, it's okay. I'll sign any paperwork they send when I get back to Garden." She decided she would have to hurry back…just in case.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking, I'm such an idiot."

"Oh stop it. You are not. I think you've done a wonderful thing Rinoa. It's perfectly understandable why you would go ahead with the investment. I will take care of it okay? I'm just proud of you. This will be good for her business and for you. I could see the excitement in your eyes when you told me. Something I haven't seen in a long time. You need this."

"Yes…I think I do. But I'm sorry regardless; I won't do anymore hasty transactions, I promise."

Quistis reached over and put a hand on the other girl's shoulder. "Don't be sorry, and don't worry okay? Life is much too short." She gave her a wink.

Rinoa smiled. "What fortune cookie did you get that line from?"

"Fortune cookie, a fortune cookie?" She looked at her friend incredulously. "I'll have you know that came from a desktop calendar in my office thank you very much!"

They both shared a laugh.

"Speaking of my office, I should probably be heading back to it."

"Aw no, don't leave. Tell them you're stranded somewhere with a yet to be identified illness."

"I wish I could. Frankly I've lost count of the excuses I've told them. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if I haven't used that one already."

Rinoa looked to the floor. "I'm sorry."

"No Rin, don't be." Quistis kneeled down to her position on the floor. "Listen, I want to be here for you. Not just to make sure you're okay, but also because you're my friend and I enjoy spending time with you."

The dark haired woman reached up and wrapped her arms around her friend. "Thank you Quistis."

She hugged her back tightly, trying to push the thoughts of the money transfer out of her mind. Though truth be told, she wasn't due back to Balamb until tomorrow night. But the persistent worry that crept around inside her mind reminded her that there might be a big risk of this getting out. Particularly to a certain someone. And a part of her wondered if that wasn't the best thing, despite the complications.

"Call me as soon as you get there okay? Let me know you got home safe." Rinoa said as she released her friend.

"I will." She replied standing up. "You take care. Good luck with your new business venture. I will expect a discount on flowers the next time I am here."

The sorceress laughed. "Sure thing! And thank you again for bringing Esperanza here. Tell Selphie, when you see her, that she is getting the best of care and a whole lot of love."

"I will definitely tell her. I'm just glad I was in the right place at the right time. Just seems like one of those meant to be situations. I did give you Selphie's manual didn't I?"

"Yes, I'll get started on that right away. I'm sure she has a lot to teach me."

Quistis smiled and then glanced down to the dog sitting next to Rinoa. "You look out for Rinoa okay?" She scratched the fur between her ears. The dog sighed contentedly.

The blonde stepped out of the door and waved to her friend. "Talk to you soon."

"Okay." Rinoa waved slowly. "Bye."

* * *

Elise walked into her office. She tried to take her mind off his leaving, but that nagging feeling refused to subside. She checked her watch, and figured he was well on his way to Winhill by now. She wished he would call, just let her know he was all right. But it would be hours before he arrived, and she wasn't even sure if he would remember then.

Once he got his mind set on something, it took heaven and hell to stop him. Minutes would turn to hours, and hours to days…and that is what she was most afraid of. Before he even knew it, a week would pass and he'd be two days too late for the trial. Part of her believed that is what he was subconsciously doing, maybe part of him wanted an excuse not to show up.

What better excuse than chasing ghosts?

She got up and walked back to her cabinet, grabbing his medical file. Maybe 'Elise' fiancée couldn't help him right now, but maybe 'Elise' physiologist could. Looking back over her records, she saw a note she had scribbled in the margin. She was going to call Dr. Stevens about the missing tape several months ago, but everything was put on hold when she was told Squall was hanging on to life in the infirmary…again, from chasing the same ghost.

Walking back to her desk, she pulled out her small tape recorder. Placing the last dated cassette in, she pressed the play button. It was the last session between Squall and Dr. Stevens over four years ago.

"Do you not wish to explore this dream? Do you not wish to explore these new reflections further?"

_"No…hurts…too…much."_

"What did you say?"

"I said no. I don't want to talk about it again."

"Very well, what's on your mind?"

"Leaving."

She hit the stop button, placing the tape recorder back into the top drawer. Throwing her face in her hands she pleaded, "What Squall, what did you say to him? What dream could hurt you so much?" The doctor sighed, as she picked up the phone. Hitting a button, her call was immediately connected to her counterpart at Esthar Garden.

"Infirmary."

"Yes, this is Dr. Vandermere."

Why was she doing this? Somehow she thought the missing tape might have some connection to her fears.

"Elise?"

"Hello Jason."

"What do I owe the pleasure, everything all right over there?"

"Yes just fine, I'm guessing you don't miss the weather too much."

"Not really, I grew fond of the climate here rather quickly. You?"

"Well, still working on adapting. I did get a chance to go snowboarding again, haven't done that since I was pre-med." Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes. "Dr. Stevens, I don't mean to keep you. I was just cataloging some of my older files…spring-cleaning. I noticed that a few of Headmaster Leonhart's therapy tapes were missing. Do you know if somehow they ended up there by accident?"

There was a long pause at the other end. "Elise, they're not here. I don't think I can help you." His tone turning strangely professional.

"What? Do you know where they might be? Or why they weren't kept with the rest of the sessions?"

"Listen, as much as I would like to, I can't help. Some thing's are out of my hands."

"Then who's hands are they in?" She hadn't meant to raise her voice; this man had been a colleague during medical school. Elise knew he wouldn't intentionally keep things from her, unless it fell under the line of duty.

He finally answered reluctantly. "Cid Kramer. The tapes that are missing were given to Balamb. Off the record, some ghosts are better left alone."

"Ghosts?" Strange how he brought that word up.

"Elise, I'm talking figuratively. I'm just saying if Headmaster Leonhart is doing well, I would leave it be."

She paused before answering, "Jason, again off the record…what if he's _not_ doing well? I…I think I'm losing him again."

"I'm not sure if he was ever there to lose." She felt a tear roll down her cheek, and brushed it away with her free hand. "I'm sorry Elise, I shouldn't have said that. The tapes are considered classified. I shouldn't even be discussing them with you."

"Classified? Are they trying to protect him?"

"Honestly, in my opinion…it's not him they are trying to protect."

"Rinoa," her voice was barely above a whisper.

"Elise, are you sure you're doing this for the right reasons?"

"What?"

"It's like med school all over, you can't save everyone. I'd heard the rumors that you two are engaged, but that article in the paper… Listen we go back a long time, and I would hate to see either of you get hurt."

"Jason, it's not the same. I love him."

"I'm sorry if I've overstepped by bounds--"

"No," her answer cut him off, "It's fine. You mentioned that Cid Kramer has the tapes?"

"I'm not sure where they are now, but I know they were immediately sealed and taken back to Balamb. I…I can't give you any information off the tapes, but I'd check with Dr. Kadowaki or Cid Kramer."

"Thanks." She hung up the phone, filled with more resolve than ever. It was one thing when she believed they were misfiled, but quite another when she felt they were covering something up. She knew Squall sure as hell wouldn't talk about it. Maybe her only chance of saving him would be to hear what he wouldn't dare say.

Holding hear breath, she picked up the receiver…and dialed Balamb.

* * *

The door unlocked as Squall swiped the keycard through the slot. He stumbled into the hotel room, suffering somewhat from fatigue and jet lag, but mostly from worry. On the plane his mind ran through a list of names over and over again. He didn't want to believe that any of them could do it. Yet it had to be someone. Someone connected to him…or to Quistis. He gritted his teeth. Surely she wouldn't be the one behind this, though it might have explained her sudden disappearances over the last several months. Dropping his tote bag he fell onto the bed with a hard thud. He didn't want to think about it now; he could deal with it when he got there.

He rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Not surprisingly, it was white, blank, and empty. He couldn't go anywhere without being reminded of that damn godforsaken snow. It seemed to ensnare him, suffocate him at every turn. He was cursed to drag it with him for eternity. It wasn't just Trabia, he could move to the Island Closest to Hell and it would still be there. It was a blanket of frozen emptiness that would forever cover his heart.

Squall absently reached over to the nightstand and picked up the telephone and placed it on the bed. He had promised to call her. Not that he cared for saying anything at the moment. But he knew how she worried. It was all she seemed to do anymore. So he would go ahead and get this over with so she would sleep. At least, that's what he told himself.

This was the first night in a long time that he had been physically alone. It was harder than he imagined it to be, though he would die before admitting it to anyone. Without another presence he was left to the vices of his own mind. The torturous demons that haunted him daily had free run tonight. There was no one there, no reason to stop them from their barrage of accusations and blame.

The truth was he needed this more than she did at the moment…before he lost it. He needed to hear a familiar voice amidst the engulfing silence that pressed against his chest, holding him there in the dimly lit room. While it devoured what was left of his sanity.

He picked up the phone and dialed the apartment number. After a couple of rings a tired voice thick with sleep haphazardly grappled the phone and answered.

"Sorry for calling so late."

"Squall?" Elise said, trying to shake the sleep from her voice. "No don't be sorry, I was just sitting in the recliner waiting for you to call…and I must've dozed off. I'm sorry."

"It's all right."

An eternity of silence seemed to pass between them. The only thing she could hear was the sound of his faint breathing. Elise didn't know what to say at this point. The last thing she wanted was to upset him in any way by saying the wrong thing. She seemed to have a knack for that.

"So…how is Winhill."

"I'm still in Timber."

"You are?"

"Yes," he stated sharply as if he had been interrupted. "The train to Winhill doesn't leave until tomorrow morning."

"Oh I see. I'm sorry, I wasn't aware you had a layover in Timber."

_"That's because I never told you,"_ Squall thought bitterly and quickly stopped himself. He shook the thought from his head quickly. There was no reason to become agitated with her. She was only making conversation.

"Squall, are you okay?"

"…Yeah. I'm just tired."

"Are…are you sure? You seem really distant tonight."

"Did I have any messages?" He changed the subject quickly.

"Um…no, were you expecting a call?"

"Just thought maybe Quistis would have returned one of the many calls I've left her," he said with a deep sigh. It wasn't like the answer came as a surprise. No doubt she was off screwing the brains out of that secret boyfriend of hers while showering him in Rinoa's money. He clenched his fist tightly, trying to drive the thought from his head. He had to keep himself together. There had to be an explanation. Quistis was his friend…she had been her friend. It wasn't in her to do something so disgusting.

So then why was he already feeling betrayed?

"Hey, you still there?"

"Yeah…yeah I'm here. I just wanted to call you and let you know where I was. I'm really tired right now, I'm sure you are too. I'll call you tomorrow when I can."

"Okay. Thanks for calling. You take care alright?"

"Yeah." He hung up the phone and returned it to the nightstand. Squall rubbed his face in frustration. So much was going through his mind. So much that he wanted stop that he couldn't control. He sat up long enough to remove his shirt and cast it to the floor. Before he could lie back down something caught his eye.

"No…no, no, no." He whispered almost pleadingly.

_"C'mon…what would one drink hurt? You'll probably need a lot more than that after tomorrow."_

"I can't…I won't do that to myself anymore, to the people that care about me."

Then again, would they truly care? How could they possibly care for such a failure of a man? His better judgment became clouded amidst a dark depression that rose up from a past where only one thing could comfort him.

Slowly Squall stood up and walked over to the mini bar. With hesitation, he opened it, almost as if he had no control over his actions. One by one he grabbed several of the bottles, and he began drinking.

It tasted horrible and satisfied nothing. Yet he continued ceaselessly. The voices, the hatred only became louder against the ceiling which became a white and rolling avalanche above him. He waited for it, begged for it to fall and end his tortured existence. Eventually it became blurry and twisted. He couldn't focus on anything anymore. An empty bottle fell from his hand as he passed out.

That night he dreamed again of his failure. Of his sin that could never be atoned. He thrashed violently against sweat soaked sheets. And when he watched her take her final breath once more, his screams of anguish were heard by no one.


	17. Caught in the Sun

**_Chapter Seventeen: Caught in the Sun _**

Squall stood in the street with a look of utter shock as he stared at the building in front of him. The duffel bag dropped from his hand and hit the ground. He reached up to his face, slowly removing his sunglasses. His head throbbed painfully against the assault of sunlight that invaded his eyes. The pain however never registered. The young man couldn't believe where this address had led him.

He was at the bar.

Raine…his mother…this was her house.

My god…he was born here!

He looked down at the scrap of paper and then looked back at the numbers beside the door.

"What the _hell_ is going on?" The statement got a couple of looks from bystanders walking within earshot. This situation just kept getting more bizarre with every second. What could he do now? Who would he be facing on the other side of that door? And was he prepared to find out the truth?

He left his bag lying in the middle of the road and warily stepped towards the door. Bringing a hand up, he rapped his knuckles against the door…and waited. After a minute he pounded on the door more forcefully, using the side of his fist.

_"You actually expected them to be home? That would be too damn convenient."_

After a few minutes of no response he turned away from the door. His head ached miserably. Squall put his sunglasses back on and looked around the street. A man approached from the right and he held his hand up to hail him.

"Excuse me; do you know who lives in this house?"

The man shook his head and continued walking past him.

The headmaster walked across the street to a woman who had just come out of a small store. "Miss.?"

She turned and looked at him. "Yes?"

"Do you know who lives in that house over there?" He pointed.

"No, afraid I don't."

"Have…have you seen anyone go in or come out?"

She thought for a moment. "Can't say that I have…no one has lived there in a long time."

He sighed. "Alright thanks."

He moved from one side of the street to the other, continually asking and receiving the same answer. No one seemed to know who lived there. It was if he was chasing a money drawing entity that didn't exist. He was beginning to think the address was bogus to throw the authorities off the trail.

There was a sudden tap on his shoulder. He turned around instinctively with arms raised to defend himself, though the hangover had made his reflexes very lethargic.

"Whoa there son." The old man took a step back. "I didn't mean to alarm ya."

Squall lowered his hands. "Sorry."

"I overheard you talking; think maybe I can help you out."

"You…know who lives there?"

The old man stroked his beard a moment. "Nope…"

He stared at him dubiously, waiting for him to finish and trying to quell the urge to knock out his remaining teeth if he didn't.

"But I've seen a blonde woman over there a couple of times. She just visits though…"

Now they were getting somewhere. "This woman, was she tall?"

"Yes...maybe a bit shorter than you. Always wore her hair up…think she had glasses."

Damn it…Quistis was involved somehow whether voluntary or involuntary. He hoped for the latter, because honestly he wasn't sure he could restrain himself if it was anything else.

"I'd say you need to go talk to Maude."

The man's rough voice broke him from his thoughts. "What? Who?"

"She owns the florist up there," he pointed up the hill. "She knows everyone in this town on a first name basis. If anyone knows who lives in that old bar up there, it'd be her."

Squall threw his bag over his shoulder and hurried down the street towards the flower shop. "Thanks." He said quickly over his shoulder.

The shop stood apart from the rest of the small town. He was nearly out of breath when he made it to the door. Looking up at the sign, he vaguely remembered coming here during their odyssey so long ago, for what reason, he had no idea.

The bell made a noisy jingle as he opened the door and entered the establishment. The smell of flowers invaded his senses immediately, to the point it was almost overpowering. He nearly stumbled backwards. It did little to sooth his headache. Looking around, the place appeared to be empty.

"Hello?" He called hoarsely, listening for any signs of life and hearing nothing but the persistent pounding in his head. "Is anyone here?"

"Coming!"

Squall looked in the direction of the voice. There was a set of stairs near the back of the room. A few moments passed before he heard the sound of footsteps as they descended the wooden planks. A woman that looked to be in her late sixties appeared from around the corner, huffing and puffing as she tried to catch her breath.

"S-sorry about that...I had to mix up some plant food." Her eyes caught sight of him, and a smile spread across Maude's face.

"What can I help you with today handsome?"

"Are you Maude?"

She approached the counter. "Depends on who is asking…"

The young man gritted his teeth. He wasn't in the mood for games. "My name is Squall. I was told she would be able to help me with some information."

She propped herself up on a stool. "In that case, yes I'm Maude McCay. But my information is not free."

He sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "How much?"

The old woman looked him up and down. "Who said anything about money?"

The rest of the color drained from his already pale face. "W-what?"

Maude could no longer keep a straight face and erupted in laughter. "I'm just pulling your chain boy! You should have seen your face…you looked more frightened than a rabbit in the headlights of a bus!"

Squall wanted to scream. It was bad enough that he felt as if he would pass out from the headache. But to add to it was the sound of this old woman's ear splitting cackle reverberating like a jackhammer in his head. He had to stay in control though. If he lashed out she would never tell him anything.

"Please, can you help me? This is really important."

"Of course. I can't resist a good looking man in distress. What do you want to know?"

"I need to know who is living in the bar up the street." He pointed in the direction for emphasis.

Her smile faded. "Why?"

_"Damn it."_ Why was she making this so difficult? "Because apparently we have a mutual friend, and it is of great importance that I contact this person regarding the issue.

Her eyes looked at him skeptically. "Take off your glasses."

He removed them without question. Questions only delayed progress with this woman.

She walked out from behind the counter and approached him. The strong scent of her perfume fell over him like a wave and he became nauseous. Maude came within a few inches of where he was standing and stared into his eyes intently. Squall wasn't sure if she was trying to buffalo him or what, but he felt a great urge to run. He had never seen makeup pasted so thick on a woman in his life. However if this was what he was to endure to find out the truth, then so be it.

"You seem honest," she said finally.

"Yes…yes ma'am. I just want to speak with them."

She crossed her arms over her chest. "Renee lives up there. She just moved in a month or so ago."

_"A…woman?"_

"Renee…do you know her last name?"

"Of course. It's Loire." She looked around as if she was keeping a secret, her tone quieted. "Don't spread it around…but she is actually the President of Esthar's niece!"

Niece? God…Ellone…why hadn't he thought of it before?

Because she was the last person he ever expected to hurt him. Yet it appeared that she had…again.

He closed his eyes, trying desperately to quiet his anger. "Um…Maude…"

"Ms. McCay please," she said raising an eyebrow. "I don't know you that well yet."

"I'm sorry…Ms McCay. Can you tell me where I can find her?"

Maude looked at his pale complexion and the dark circles around his eyes. "You look like you had a rough night."

For Hyne's sake, this woman was incorrigible. "I have a headache," he responded simply. Prying information out of a caterchipiller would have probably gotten more headway than this conversation.

"Too many snorts of the ol' firewater last night huh?"

_"Not that it's any of your damn business!" _

Stay in control.

"It's nothing for you to be concerned with Ms. McCay. Really, I just want to know where I can find this Renee."

"I can make you some herbal tea if you want. I've got a good recipe to cure a hangover…," she mused for a moment before continuing. "It used to come in quite handy back in my livelier days."

Control just went out the window. "I don't have time for fucking tea!"

Maude's pleasant face dropped into a scowl. "That tone is uncalled for, and I would appreciate it if you would not use such vulgar language in my establishment."

Squall threw his hands up in frustration. "Are you going to help me or not?"

The old woman never flinched. "Well, I tried, but you don't seem to want it. Look, I don't know where she is. I may know everyone in town, but it doesn't mean I baby-sit them. Now if you don't intend on buying anything, I will politely bid you good day and ask you to leave."

The headmaster put his sunglasses back on, picked up his duffel bag, and sneered at her. "Thank you…for your time." He then turned and walked towards the door.

"Come back and see us sometime hmm?" She said and waved, trying to contain her laughter. He would probably be back. She couldn't help but watch his retreating figure and admire his physique.

"You know," she said to herself. "For such a jerk he sure does have a nice ass."

* * *

She stared out the window, looking at what she didn't know. Why did twenty-four hours of not seeing him feel more like infinity? Elise caught her mind wandering, as she looked back to her patient. She patted the young girl on her back, giving her a motherly smile.

"Now, we're not going to be climbing the chain link fence anymore, are we?"

"No, Dr. Vandermere." The child looked down ashamed as she watched her feet kick back and forth. "But Roger said that girls couldn't do it. I had to prove him wrong…"

Elise leaned over to her young patient, acting as if she was relaying a secret. "First, don't ever listen to boys. Second, I bet Roger couldn't have made it half as far as you did. And lastly, I'm guessing he would have fainted at the mere thought of a tetanus shot. Still, you could've been seriously hurt. I'm talking about a lot worse than a small tear in your palm and a few stitches. Just promise me that you won't do it again."

"Okay…promise." The child's voice replied timidly.

Elise chuckled softly as the girl scampered out of the office. Not because it was in the least bit humorous, only because it sounded like something she would have done at the same age. The thought was interrupted when the phone sounded from the other room. Sighing, she turned and started walking to her desk.

"Infirmary, Dr. Vandermere."

"Hello Elise, this is Dr. Kadowaki. I just listened to the voicemail that you left. Sorry, I didn't get back to you yesterday. I was in seminars throughout the entire day."

"Oh, really it's no problem."

"This is the first chance I've had to handle anything not classified as a major emergency. Which trust me…around here, every little thing seems to be classified as a 'major emergency.' You didn't say what why you called, is everything all right up there?"

"As good as it can be, I guess." Elise paused, wondering why she felt nervous all of a sudden. She was his doctor for Hyne's sake. If there was something on the tape that could help him, and it was at all within her power, she felt it was her medical duty… She had pledged under the Hippocratic Oath to follow her own ability and judgment…and _this_ is what her best judgment was telling her to do, no matter what truths she may uncover. If some sessions were really labeled 'confidential,' would they allow her to have any rights to them? Maybe the choice wasn't hers to make, and she would abide by any decision made by her superiors.

"Well, that doesn't sound too convincing."

"Ah…no, I suppose that doesn't. I'm not sure if I'm overstepping my bounds here, but I was going over Headmaster Leonhart's files. I was re-evaluating the required therapy sessions. The tape dated the week before I arrived, seems to be misplaced. I called--"

"Elise," interrupted the doctor on the other end, speaking more as the senior. "You wouldn't have called here if you weren't worried, now would you?"

Her tone was soft and ashamed. "No."

"Are you sure you want to bring these demons back to light?"

"I don't see what other choice I have left," she softly replied, uncertain of her own answer.

"I'll have to talk to my superiors and see what their official position is. If you called me, you already have some idea they were considered classified."

"Yeah," she silently admitted. "I just…he's not well."

"No, I don't suppose he could be…giving the circumstance surrounding your call, and the pending trial."

"Do I want to know what is on the tape?"

"I guess the better question is…can you live without knowing?"

Elise paused, gathering courage. "Dr. Kadowaki, you knew Rinoa…do you think…"

"It's not important what I think about Rinoa." She answered almost defensively cutting off the younger woman. "What matters is the truth. No matter how painful it may be."

"To who?" The Elise asked. It was honestly meant as a rhetorical question.

"Elise, my best advice to you: know _what_ you're really dealing with."

"What do you mean?"

From the other end only came a hurried goodbye. Yet the phrasing of the words had her thinking. Dr. Kadowaki said 'what' not 'who.' _What _implied something impersonal, at least in the doctor's line of thinking…a sorceress…not Rinoa as an individual. Maybe the key was to go past the textbook notions, to go beyond the norms of society, and look at the person behind the labels.

For too long Elise had felt almost in competition with Rinoa, without ever learning who she really was. The doctor tried to pinpoint exactly when her opinion changed. When she first consoled Squall, the other girl was no threat. Somewhere along the line, she stopped being a ghost, and became the third dynamic into their relationship. To Elise, she was just an 'ideal,' a person placed upon a pedestal which no mere mortal could ever compare. Rinoa Heartilly was a sorceress, but above all…a mortal. Maybe her humanity was the key.

* * *

Squall kicked at the dirt angrily as he walked out of the florist and into the street. He ran his hands roughly through his hair in frustration. Why was this happening now? Why would Ellone do this to him? Was he really so blind sided by his adopted sister to see how she manipulated him. He had thought she was through with that years ago, and he didn't dream she would ever stoop to this level of deceit. And what the hell was Quistis doing?

Silently he wished he had brought some aspirin on this trip. He felt like swallowing an entire bottle of them. Suddenly he felt something tap against his foot. Looking down he saw a bright orange ball at the tip of his boot. The young man looked around, and seeing no one coming to retrieve it, bent down and picked it up. It felt damp against his palm. A short bark from behind him made him understand why.

He turned around and was taken by surprise. Sitting a few feet away was Angelo, looking at him accusingly for taking her ball.

"A…Angelo?"

The dog made no sign of recognition to the name and continued to stare. Squall took a step towards her. Upon closer inspection he realized that it couldn't be Angelo. This was a much younger dog with slightly different markings. Still, it looked a lot like her, and he wondered how one of the dogs could have gotten outside of Galbadia Garden. The military dogs were not allowed to go to civilian homes. He didn't see a trainer around anywhere.

He kneeled down to the ground and waved the ball at the dog. "Hey dog," he said. "Want your ball?"

Its eyes watched the ball move back and forth in his hands. It whined and let out a bark.

"Okay, you're going to have to come over here and get it."

He motioned for the animal to come to him. The dog lowered itself to the ground in a nervous manner.

"It's okay," he said. "I'm not going to hurt you."

Esperanza saw the human's lips moving, but saw no signals to respond to. She wished it would just throw the ball. Her master was waiting, and this was putting a damper on the fun game they were playing. She decided to muster up her courage and retrieve the ball from this biped.

Squall watched as the dog slowly began crawling towards him. He closed the distance from his end until he was within reach. Gently he held out his empty hand to her, allowing her to sniff it.

Esperanza grunted. She didn't want a hand, she wanted a ball. She barked at him for emphasis.

"Okay, okay." He reached up and gently scratched her on the head working his way over to her right ear. Carefully he lifted the ear and found what he expected. It was a unique number tattoo that was used to identify all of the dogs in the program. How in the world did one of them get all the way down to Winhill? Selphie seemed a bit too light headed some times, but she wasn't stupid enough to allow one of these dogs to be put in the hands of a civilian.

Quicker than his eyes could follow, the dog lunged and snatched the ball out of his right hand. Before he had time to react, it had already squeezed under the fence and was turning a corner back behind the flower shop.

"Hey!"

His first compulsion was to follow, however he stopped himself. He didn't come all the way down here to chase a damn dog. He came to find answers and he didn't have a lot of time. Let Galbadia handle this.

And yet, he also realized that he had no other lead at this point. If Ellone was behind this she certainly had a connection to the dogs. It made sense. Selphie was soft hearted enough that she wouldn't deny a request from Sis. Hell, maybe it wasn't a request; she could be giving them away as birthday presents these days for all he knew. All of these thoughts crossed his mind, but it was something else, something deeper beckoning him forward.

He was compelled, by what seemed to be an almost supernatural force. Something that whispered softly in his mind, that this was the answer he was seeking. Not only about the stolen money, no it was a far, far greater question than that.

This was the truth.

And it scared him. His heart quickened its pace inside his chest causing the searing pain in his head to increase tenfold. The air around him became thick and hard to breathe. Yes, he had made the accusations in his mind. Yes, this was what he had come for. But even as his feet were leading him back across the road, following the path that the dog had taken, the young man wasn't sure if he even wanted the truth. Squall didn't know if he could take any more of it

He passed a sign he didn't notice before on the way in. This was a chocobo crossing. Of course, this was why it was so familiar. They ran around this area for some old geezer in the mansion up the hill, looking for pieces of a broken vase. It was Zell's idea. He swore up and down that they could get something for fixing the man's vase. Money or a useful item, because as he put it, "Eccentric old men like that usually have vast amounts of both." At that point, the prospect was hard to refuse. But for all of that running around and nearly getting trampled to death by a mother chocobo, they ended up with a damn holy stone. It was something that could be picked up off the ground if you looked long enough, and about as useful as an ordinary rock. He remembered not speaking to Zell for a day or two.

Instead of being irritated like the rest of the group, she had just laughed. Not meant to be spiteful, it was just that good natured laugh she had always possessed. That laugh, it seemed to current itself through those around her causing them to smile in turn.

Hyne what was he doing? He couldn't do this, not now. Why must _everything_ remind him of Rinoa?

Because, it was his curse…his punishment to carry throughout all eternity. And in his mind, he deserved no less. She haunted him in his sleep; she haunted him when he was awake.

And he didn't blame her at all.

Squall walked along the fence looking for a way through without catching the eye of that crazy old woman in the shop. The last thing he wanted was for her to come out of there yelling and screaming because he stepped on her flowers. His head would surely explode. He found an opening halfway down the line where one of the middle fence posts had broken. Lowering himself, he managed to squeeze through the two remaining posts. The garden itself extended a good 100 feet. There were rows and rows of specific plants. Behind it was an enormous meadow filled with wild flowers. Looking around he saw no sign of the dog anywhere, no trail, no footprints, not so much as a bent blade of grass.

It seemed to just stretch on forever. Once again he was overcome by the scent of the flowers that he now stood knee deep in. Surrounded by things he had grown to hate. As he continued walking, he wished he could take a blow torch to the entire thing. Put them out of their misery. So deceptive are flowers, luring one in with its sweet fragrance and stunning beauty. A beauty that was so fragile it could break at the slightest touch. And no matter how much you gave of yourself, it would die almost as quickly as it revealed itself to you. There was nothing you could do to save it.

Nothing.

His boot struck at one of them angrily. The petals flew haphazardly before being snatched up by the March wind which spun them around before carrying them across the plain. His hallucinations began to take over and the dream he longed to forget flashed in his mind. He could see her looking down at him amidst a whirlwind of flower petals calling his name. Squall reached for her as she began to fade. He knew she would. She always faded.

The air around him grew unnaturally cold. Out of instinct he pulled his bomber jacket tighter around him, clasping it with one hand. His mind was a million miles away when his ears were suddenly filled with the sound of rushing water. A stream lay ahead of him, secluded in a small grove of pear trees.

A black blur leapt out from the orchard and began running towards him. Squall stepped backward in surprise, shaking himself slightly from his daze. Esperanza stopped short in her own distress when involuntarily she almost ran into him. The dog leapt back, going into a defensive stance, the hair on the back of her neck bristling as she began barking.

He raised his hands slowly to show that he meant her no harm. "Hey, it's me remember? I just gave you the ball back."

She recognized the stranger's scent after a few moments and sat down in front of him, cocking her head to the side. She didn't understand why, but there was something different about this human. It wasn't exactly threatening; she felt no danger for her master or herself. But it was different. It was almost like a pulling sensation, like he was meant to be here…for whatever reason. The dog sighed and panted happily. Perhaps another person in the game _would_ add some excitement.

"Found it!" A voice shouted from within the thicket of trees.

Esperanza sensed her presence of her friend nearby and ran off to meet her. Squall stood there bewildered. That wasn't Ellone's voice to be certain. But it sounded so familiar…almost like…

A silhouette faded out of the shadowed branches. It was difficult to make out the form clearly from the distance he was standing. Tentatively he began to move forward, the breath in his lungs becoming tighter with every step. He saw the figure moving in and out of shadows, walking to the left of him, towards the dog.

"Where did you go Esperanza? Last time I checked with the rule book, the actual fetching was done by the hairy four-legged team." The voice continued, out of breath.

Even after eight years, he still remembered the sound of her voice. It was unmistakable this time. Squall closed his eyes, trying to fight his inner delusions and the tears that were beginning to burn his eyes. Now it wasn't just the images of her face that haunted him during the waking hours. Now he could actually hear her voice outside of his own mind.

He tried to focus. This was ridiculous. He was just going to walk up to this woman, whoever she was, and find out what he wanted to know. This was something he had to do for her. Maybe this was her way of getting his attention, leading him forward so that he could give her the justice she deserved. The justice he was never able to give her.

_"Or maybe you're just fucking crazy."_

Regardless he was going to confront this person…this…Renee. He could see her dark hair now as she walked out of the grove. The dog jumped and bounced happily to her. She knelt down and began scratching its head. The girl was dressed in a thick sweater and blue jeans. He was trying to take in all of the details, in case she decided to run. It was training that had become instinct. The young man wanted to make sure he would be able to find her in a crowd. Stopping a safe distance so not to startle her, he licked his dry lips and started to speak.

And then he froze.

His heart seemed to stop in mid-beat as he caught a glimpse of her face. He tried to blink it away to no avail. It was impossible. He had finally gone off the deep end. Living, breathing people now looked exactly like her…and yet, something about her was different now.

Slowly he removed his sunglasses, trying to eliminate whatever feverish illusion that had overtaken them. It didn't go away. It had to be a dream; Squall convinced himself he had to be dreaming. This would end, just as the others. He had to stop this now, he couldn't take anymore.

Suddenly she turned toward him, her eyes met his, and he forgot how to breathe.

Rinoa had been busy petting her overly excited dog. Esperanza seemed bent on communicating with her. The sorceress figured she wanted to chase the ball again. She stood and held the ball out towards her. The dog turned her head and looked off into the field behind them, and then back at her.

"What? What is it?" Rinoa smiled lightly, turning her head in the direction she had been looking.

The sun blinded her momentarily. She was able to make out the form of a man standing there. A sudden apprehension overtook her, one that had instinctively built itself in from all the months of running. Quickly however, she quelled her anxiety when she reminded herself that no one knew her here. She started to raise her hand and greet them. When her eyes focused and she saw who it was, the smile fell away to a look of utter shock.

"Squ…Squall?"

His name came out barely above a whisper. Memories flashed in her mind to when she last saw him in Esthar. The same feeling of exhilaration and fear overtook her when she saw him across the crowded ballroom. Only this time, the crowd had parted, the music had stopped, and he was staring right back at her.

Part of her wanted to run to him, throw her arms around him and hold him as tightly as she could. The other part wanted to run away, away from the past she was trying desperately to leave behind her. In the end, she found she couldn't move at all.

How…how could it be? It…it was her. No ghosts, no hallucinations, a person just as real and alive as he was. Squall saw the recognition in her eyes; he heard his name spoken from the lips he had wanted so much to hear. It all made sense now. The way that everyone had been acting. She was alive…and they had lied to him. They kept him from her…why? Disbelief, shock, sorrow, and the euphoria of seeing her again, the emotions were overwhelming. So much that he could no longer support his own weight and fell to his knees, his eyes never leaving hers. With the last ounce of energy he had, he managed two broken words.

"Rinoa? Why?"

Rinoa covered her mouth with a hand, caught up in the very same emotions. The tears now ran freely down her face. Her soul crushed beneath the agonizing pain in his eyes. However, she was still torn between going to him, or running as far away as she could get. In the end, the choice would be one of impulse.

He came swiftly through the grass like a stealthy predator, his feet never making a sound as they made contact with the earth. When she finally noticed him approaching the man in front of her, it was already too late.

"Squall! Watch out!"

He sat there, still unmoving. He couldn't hear her. He couldn't see what was coming. Rinoa began to run.

Squall watched her every movement, still afraid that if he blinked she would disappear. She seemed to be saying something, something he couldn't hear over the intense pounding of his heart. She began to run towards him. He wanted to get up, to run and meet her halfway…he just couldn't move. And unfortunately, he wouldn't have the chance to try.

Suddenly, he felt the hot breath of something on the back of his neck. He looked up in time to see a large blur of yellow and orange feathers descend upon his head. The last thing he heard before the world went black was the shrill sound of her voice.

"Lucky! No!"


	18. Four Seasons In One Day

**  
**

**_Chapter Eighteen: Four Seasons in One Day _**

She watched helplessly as the chocobo used the blunt part of his beak to thump the young man on the head. There was a sickening crack that reverberated through her ears as the bird made contact with his target. Squall jerked back from the force of the blow. His eyes rolled back in his head before he fell forward, hitting the ground with a thud. It all seemed to happen in slow motion.

Rinoa fell onto her knees when she was within a few feet and scrambled over to his still form. "Oh god Lucky you killed him!"

Lucky chirped, happily pleased with himself. After years of chasing, he finally managed to nail one of those trespassers. The old woman would be showering him with greens tonight.

The sorceress rolled his limp body over, hoping and praying to find some sign of life. He made no response to the movement, his head lolling to one side. She pressed her hand against the side of his neck and sighed with relief as she felt a slow and threaded pulse against her fingertips. She looked down to see a steady rise and fall of his chest.

"Squall…can you hear me?"

Gently she lifted his head, cradling it in her lap. Behind the worry of her mind there was a feeling of exhilaration. It had been so long since she had seen him, really _seen_ him. Before she could stop herself, she caressed his face with the back of her hand. All of the sudden, it was like an overwhelming feeling of déjà vu.

Images flashed in her mind without warning. Dark sand churned all around her, burning her eyes. Threatening black clouds swirled above them like circling vultures. A flash of lightning suddenly shot down from the heavens, blinding her. Rinoa fell backwards as if she had been struck. She gasped sharply and opened her eyes. The flower petals swirled around her before flying away into the cerulean sky. _"What the hell was that?" _

Esperanza walked over and nuzzled her, apprehension clearly visible in her eyes. Lucky tilted his head curiously at the girl and warbled softly. Rinoa shook the daze from her clouded mind. She looked back over at Squall, suddenly realizing she had let his head come into contact with a blunt force…yet again.

"Oh Hyne, I'm so sorry," she said as she returned to his motionless form on hands and knees.

She took his hand in her own. His skin was cool and clammy to the touch. He needed help. She didn't think she would be able to lift him onto the chocobo and she doubted seriously her ability to carry him back to town on her own. Maybe Maude would know what to do.

Rinoa stood and motioned to Esperanza with her hand. "Stay," she mouthed before walking over to Lucky. "And you," she said, putting her arm around the back of his neck and pulling him forward. "You are coming with me."

The dog watched the woman and the giant bird retreat through the field. She sighed and walked over to her new assignment. She gave his hand a tender nudge in the hope that he might wake up and follow her master. When he made no response her instincts told her that he probably needed to be kept warm. With carefulness she positioned herself across his chest and waited with the steadfast patience of a dog for Rinoa's return.

* * *

Nervously she tapped her fingernails against the desk. This wasn't supposed to happen. That simple. Now the anxiety was gradually building with each empty ring, and if she could have traveled at the speed of light, the headmaster would have done just that.

_"Please, Rinoa…answer the phone."_

Her pleas went unanswered as a machine picked up. Great, now how exactly was she supposed to word this? Maybe this was one of the finer details she should have thought out _before_ picking up the phone to call.

"Damn." She hadn't meant to curse aloud, it just slipped out between breaths. Quistis slammed the receiver down, placing a hand on her forehead. Sleep deprivation was finally getting to her. Since leaving Winhill, she had done nothing but worry about the ramifications of the bank withdrawal. Hours of trying to convince herself that everything was fine, turned out to be in vain.

This _could not_ be happening; she should have foreseen this…right? This was just a nightmare and she would wake up tomorrow with everything back to normal. She just had to. Yet what would she wake up to? What was normal? Another excuse, another lie, and another path she had to block before others started down it.

How long could she keep this up? Rinoa was one of her best friends, and they had only grown closer over the last eight months. The girl represented everything that the others had lost and everything they had fought for… But somehow it still seemed worthless.

Quistis had seen Squall, seen him transform in front of her eyes. First when Rinoa chanced upon him, next when her fate was entombed within the frost. She tried to convince herself that Squall was happy with Elise, he had to be right? Then why was there a part of her heart wishing that he and Rinoa would find each other again? She rested her head on the desk, seeking the courage to call Rinoa again and warn her…

"Hey." A silhouette figure knocked on the doorframe. "You all right?"

"Fine Xu," she answered not even lifting her head.

The Balamb Commander continued in to the room, walking up to the headmaster's desk. "I think you should get some sleep, you don't look too well."

Quistis stifled a laugh, "I'm fine, just tired." Somehow she couldn't do this alone anymore and Laguna wasn't always available. She had finally reached the point where she needed support, someone to confide the secrets with. "Xu, if I tell you something can you keep it between us?"

"How long have you known me? I can't believe you even asked that. I kept that 'Card King' thing a secret…now didn't I?"

"Well, this is far more important…and so many lives could be affected."

"You're finally going to tell me about your new boyfriend?"

"No, it's not a guy."

"What?"

Quistis lifted her head off the table giving her one of those 'don't mess with me looks.' "Oh Xu, stop that… I'm serious."

"I'm sorry…go ahead, you know you can tell me anything."

"Rinoa's awake." Quistis couldn't believe it herself; she had just blurted it out as if it was information for the whole word to share.

"W-What? How long?"

"Going on eight months now," she confessed softly.

"Wow…well that explains _a lot_." Xu was still dumbstruck by the comment, letting the meaning fully sink in. "What about Squall? Does he know?"

"No, it was Rinoa's decision to let him go on living his life. It's just…I don't know if I can do this much longer. And I might have done something… I don't think I'm going to have to hide the secret from him much longer."

"What are you talking about?"

"I just got off the phone with Elise…Squall found out that money has been coming out of Rinoa's trust fund… As we speak he's either on his way to Winhill, or already there."

"I take it that is where Rinoa is?"

"Yeah… she's staying at Laguna's old place." The headmaster sighed hating to admit this fact, but part of her couldn't deny the possibility any longer. "I think somehow I _wanted_ Squall to find out… I wasn't as careful as I should have been. Maybe some part of me is holding on to the hope that… never mind."

"Quistis, please don't worry about it. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. I know that sounds very cliché, but after all that you have been through you should know that better than anyone."

"I know. I know. I just don't like the idea of it being _my_ mistake that led Squall to Winhill. Maybe if it was fate uniting them...but not _Balamb Banking and Trust_."

"Who says that fate doesn't work through the bank?"

Quistis raised an eyebrow to her friend. "You know, I'm tired enough to almost believe that."

* * *

Esperanza had nearly fallen asleep when she heard felt a vibration that intensified from the ground beneath her. She turned and looked to the top of the knoll. Barking happily she ran to greet her returning companion.

Lucky squawked irritably at the shrill bark. He was angry enough that he had to pull the stupid cart again.

"There, there, Lucky," Maude cooed. "When we get home you'll have the biggest gyshal buffet this side of the chocobo forest."

"How can you reward him for almost killing someone?" Rinoa said, exasperated. "Scaring off trespassers is one thing but…"

"Trust me honey, Lucky knows what he's doing. If he wanted to kill him he would have used the tip of his beak. There is enough force there to crush through a human skull and go directly into the brain. Hell, if a chocobo is really going for a kill they don't bother with their beaks. One swift kick from their feet can disembowel a man before he even has time to…"

"Maude please!" Rinoa paled as she tried to fight the nausea rising to the back of her throat.

The old woman threw her hands up in surrender. "I'm just saying…"

"I know, I know. I get it okay?"

They approached the body lying on the ground. The younger woman swallowed nervously. She didn't know what to do. Despite what Maude said, she was still afraid that Lucky had severely injured him. And what if Maude recognized him? What if she put two and two together and realized who she really was? Her secret would be out and her short time here would be over… Plus there was always the other fear that lingered of what would happen when he did wake up.

She watched nervously as Maude looked him over.

"Hmm…you know Renee, he looks familiar…"

Rinoa's heart was beating so loudly at that point she was sure that even Esperanza could hear it.

"You…you think so?" She hoped against hope that in the isolation of Winhill, Maude would have forgotten a face that was plastered everywhere….basically she was asking for a miracle.

"Oh I know!"

She shut her eyes tightly. _"Oh God here it comes."_

"He came into the shop this morning…asking for directions." She smiled triumphantly as if remembering were a big accomplishment.

The sorceress felt she would pass out any second. "Re…Really?" she choked.

Maude looked up at her. "Are you alright dear? You're as pale as a new born mog."

"Yeah, I'm fine." She managed, trying to sound calm.

"He told me his name…it was something really different…" The woman paused in concentration.

A sudden groan caught both of their attentions. Rinoa looked down to see Esperanza licking the young man's face. He was starting to come around…his name fell from her lips before she had a chance to stop it.

"Squall…"

Maude snapped her fingers. "That's it! Squall!" She paused for a moment with an expression of surprise. "So you know him then?"

_"Shit…way to go Rinoa."_

"I knew him. I knew him when we were younger." Rinoa hoped it would stop there. It wasn't as if that was a lie. She changed the subject quickly. "We need to get him out of here."

"Yes, you're right. No sense in him waking up on the hard ground with a worse headache than he is already going to have."

Without any further discussion, the two of them carefully hoisted the young man onto the cart. Maude led the chocobo back up the hill with Rinoa trailing behind the cart, her mind racing and her eyes unable to focus on anything except the cart's occupant.

When they reached the flower shop Maude stopped to catch her breath. "Wow…I can't pull that hill like I used to." She turned back to Rinoa. "So where are we taking him?"

Her house was definitely out of the question. "I'll go see if there's a room available at the inn."

"No, I'll go," Maude interjected. "If he wakes up a familiar face might keep him still…you know…so he won't hurt himself any further." Without another word she began walking towards town.

The younger woman began to panic. "But…Maude…"

She waved her hand dismissingly without turning around. "I'll be back in just a minute."

Rinoa glanced back at Squall who remained motionless in the cart. In this situation the familiar face would certainly do more harm than good. She hoped he would remain unconscious until they could get him somewhere. Maybe he wouldn't remember…maybe he would think it was just a dream. She didn't want him to be hurt…but at the same time, she wasn't sure how either of them could deal with this.

Minutes passed like small eternities as she kept watch over him. She had all but given up on the older woman when she finally saw her turn the corner of the building. A wave of relief washed over her.

"Well, did they have a room?" It was more of a statement than anything…Winhill wasn't exactly on the list of tourist hotspots.

Maude shook her head as she sat down on the ground to rest. "Nope."

That wave of relief from before immediately ebbed itself back into the sea of tranquility.

"Wha­­…What?"

"It's all booked."

Rinoa closed her eyes and rubbed her head wearily. "Maude, that cannot be possible!"

"Sorry dear, there's a quilters convention in town. That place is full of little old ladies carrying threads and needles."

"Damn it!" Rinoa muttered as she began pacing back and forth. This just couldn't be happening. She wished Quistis was still there. "Okay, you have an extra bedroom right?"

"Oh no, he can't stay at my house."

"Why?"

"It's being fumigated. There's an aphid infestation. Nasty little buggers. They're real bad for the flower business you know."

She didn't, but opening that conversation for further discussion was the last thing she wanted to do. "Well…are you staying there?"

"Nope." A wide grin spread across her face. "I'm staying over at Mr. Finnegan's house. We're going to play poker."

Rinoa obviously didn't want to know anymore. It was evident by the smile on Maude's face. However, if she was out of the house…maybe they could just shut him up in a room. After all he fought a lot of Malboros, how much worse could insecticide be?

Her brain was opting for insanity at that moment rather than facing the inevitable.

"There has to be somewhere we can leave him…you know plenty of people in town. Surely someone can take him in."

Maude raised an eyebrow at her frantic behavior. "What's wrong with your place? As long as there is a familiar face and a pillow under his head I seriously doubt he will be concerned with any household clutter you have in there."

"No it's not that…Maude…he just can't stay with me…its complicated okay?"

"You know if it were any other day, I would be jumping at the chance to have a handsome, young, unconscious man in my bedroom." She gave her a sly wink.

Well that was _definitely_ an image she didn't need right now. Hyne, the woman wasn't making this easy. She ran her fingers through her hair haphazardly in frustration. "Surely there is some one here that could take him in…just until he wakes up. C'mon you know everyone here, you can pull strings right?"

"That's true, I do know everyone here. I also know of their fearful distrust of strangers who just drift into town. Which I'm sure your uncle Laguna has told you stories."

The older woman put a hand to her chin as if in deep concentration. "You know, so far I have deduced two things in this situation. One, your obvious concern over this man tells me that whoever he is, he isn't a mass murderer out to kill you. And two, as dodgy as you have suddenly become in the last 15 minutes it is doubtful you are going to tell me why this is such a big deal."

Rinoa swallowed hard.

Smiling slightly Maude watched the girl's reaction. "Now, I will make a bargain with you. You tell me what the hell is going on here…or…you have a new 'complicated' roommate."

Rinoa closed her eyes for a moment, fighting back tears that threatened to fall. "I can't…I'm sorry…I just can't." This was the end of the road she was on, the safe path that led her up to this point. Now it was time to stop running. She was going to have to face this one way or another, no matter how much it was going to hurt.

She sighed heavily. "Alright Maude you win…you win."

* * *

The curtains of the townhouse were drawn, allowing what little natural light there was to cascade into the parlor. The streets of Deling City seemed to be an unnatural shade of brown, as dust-devils formed from debris. The storm clouds seemed foreboding, although not one hint of rain had fallen onto the ground. Every once in a while, the thunder would resonate, yet the soil remained as dry as Cactuar Island.

Her waist length hair, darker than midnight, was placed carefully into a bun. The former sorceress had sensed a change. It was a change, which like the storm, could not be stopped, as obvious in her mind as the warm front covertly hiding behind the thunderheads. This was no small storm; this was a supercell, the clashing of two major systems within the atmosphere. Its effects would be felt throughout the continent for days, slowly moving westward destroying the very life it helped maintain.

She sighed aloud, as the clouds dipped from the heavens, swirling in small eddies. They always threatened to touch their ghostly fingers to earth, but never found the strength. A soft knock on the door caught her off guard, and her attention shifted to the person leaning on its frame. He stood just watching his wife; everything about her still contained an air of mystery, even after all the time that had marched on.

"Do you know that lightening doesn't always strike the tallest object?" Her voice was firm, yet had a way of soothing even the most apprehensive of listeners. "It searches… It searches for the best conductor…not always taking the easiest path. But it knows what it needs to exist in this world. Its only instinct is survival, and there is nothing that any of us can do to stop it. It will _always_ find its way."

"Edea?" At times her words appeared elusive, but he knew better.

"The storm is always closer than you think. When we are children, we are told to count the seconds between the flash and the thunder. But that is not the true distance. It is actually five times closer…but to a child the safety comes with the belief of the distance. To an adult, the safety comes in the truth."

The former headmaster continued into the room, taking a seat on the sofa directly in front of his wife.

"…Edea." Cid's voice seemed a little unsteady, something she hadn't heard in quite a while. "Elise called Dr. Kadowaki… She asked about Dr. Steven's therapy session, the one that occurred right before his transfer to the Esthar facility. The one with-"

Cutting him off, she lifted her hand as if to halt his speaking. "Dear, I know what was on it."

"Well, what do you think?"

"Does the council have it?"

"No, it was one of the few things I managed to get out of Balamb before leaving."

"Good." She smiled affectionately at her husband.

"Well, what do you think?" His tone was serious. If it were a Garden matter, it would be one thing, but this went far beyond the scope of Garden's understanding. No board or council could possibly have the right to determine that many fates by a vote. It had to a mutual decision, on their parts. Cid and Edea were the ones who felt most responsible for the outcome; they were the ones who had sworn no more undue harm would fall upon their children.

She contemplated for a moment, before standing, and walking slowly to the window. "You know, I'm not a sorceress anymore, but ever since Esthar I've had this feeling I can't shake."

"What kind of feeling? Bad, good, what?"

"Change." She answered simply, placing her palm on the cold windowpane.

"I don't understand."

"Neither do I...really. It's something that has to be done; we can't shelter them forever. Before we had reason, now the reason has awoken. Give Elise the tape." She waved her free hand dismissively to the side. He walked to the window, grabbing her outstretched hand, and interlaced their fingers. She looked at him, not smiling, not upset, just very calm in the face of the storm.

"Edea, you have that look in your eye. I know you're thinking something…tell me."

"I don't have to, you already know."

"Yeah." His other hand ran nervously through what hair remained on top of his head. They were all older now, but not necessary wiser. This was all new territory, one wrong move could push one of their own over the edge, and they knew it. Cid turned to her again, watching as she still had her palm stretched over the glass. "When?"

"I don't know. She was there, in Esthar."

"Did you see her?"

"I felt her. I felt the powers."

"So, who knows?"

"I'm guessing _not _Squall." It wasn't meant to be skeptical, but somehow that's how her intonation came across. She continued intently gazing outside, as the spring storm slowly claimed the city in darkness. "I mentioned something to Laguna about seeing someone run from the party. He flushed and then immediately searched for someone – for _Quistis_. So I can only assume that there are least two who know."

He took a step toward his wife, tenderly placing his arm around her shoulder. "Why do you think Elise called?"

She rested her head on his shoulder, falling into the comfort that only her knight could provide. Still keeping her right hand on the window, she thought the words very carefully before saying them aloud.

"Fate. Fate has a way of answering all questions, even those not yet asked. I know why she would want to hide from the world. I just don't believe the world can hide from her."

"I don't want Elise to get hurt. I know we don't know her that well, but…"

"Elise will be fine. Maybe she needs to sort this out, so she can move on if it wasn't meant to be. We all have demons of the past we must face." Edea looked at her fingers, the ones once manipulated by the hate she carried within her body. She felt a sudden chill run down her spine, as the temperature on the glass seemed to fall several degrees. She pulled her hand off, as the strength of the static electricity started sending small tremors throughout her body. "It's starting."

"What?" He whispered, knowing it wasn't meant to be answered.

"The storm. It is very close, and it's only going to get worse, before it gets better."

* * *

It was dark. That was the only thing he was able to determine against the persistent pounding in his head. God what had happened? He couldn't remember. A monster? A car accident? Had he been drinking? He decided he would have had to drink a gallon of jet fuel to get this kind of hangover. Nothing was registering. Faintly he was able to sense someone else in the room with him. There was only one person he knew of that would keep watch over him when he was sick or injured.

"Elise?" His voice was hoarse and unsteady. "Elise what happened? I can't remember a damn thing." Squall tried to open his eyes but the pain was more than he could bear.

The name hit Rinoa like shards of ice through her heart. She bit her lip, trying to control her emotions. She had to find a way to mask them; it was the only way she would be able to get through this. Right now they were not important. Right now she had to take care of him.

He heard a soft rustle to the right of him, but received no other response. Shit…what had he done? "Elise…please answer me."

"I'm not Elise."

His eyes flew open. In a flash everything returned to him and he was left breathless once again.

"Ri…Rinoa."

He looked over at the blurred silhouette sitting across from the bed and watched as it rose and moved to the other side of the room. He squinted painfully as she switched on a lamp. It was a small, soft light; however his eyes refused to adjust to any amount at that moment and he was forced to shut them again.

The young sorceress wrung the water out of a wash cloth in a nearby bowl. She returned to his bedside, sitting in an old chair beside him. Carefully she wiped his face and neck to clean away the cold sweat that covered his body.

The cool feel of the cloth against his skin helped to soothe some of the pain. Rinoa moved it gently across his eyes, alleviating the straining pressure he felt in them. She began going into the speech she had prepared during the two hours she had paced nervously about the room watching him.

"You were hit in the head by a chocobo. He guards the field behind the flower shop and he thought you were stealing flowers. You have some swelling, but the impact didn't break the skin. You've been out for a few hours now. I don't think you should try to get up; it will probably make you sick. This was Raine's house, though I guess you know that already…I've been staying here for a few weeks now. I'm not quite finished with cleaning it so you'll have to excuse the mess."

Now she was rambling, her voice was quick and anxious. Were he actually listening to her he probably wouldn't have understood much of what she had just said. The young woman fidgeted with the wash cloth, folding it with trembling fingers so that she could lay it across his forehead.

As she did this, Squall suddenly came out of his shock. He grabbed her arm forcefully and she nearly yelped in surprise. Rinoa looked down at him suddenly frightened by the wild look in his eyes and the grip he held on her arm. His breathing was shallow and labored. For a brief moment she thought he might be having some sort of seizure.

He found himself astonished as his hand closed around solid flesh and bone. He was still half expecting another illusion. "It…it's really you…you're alive."

Tears formed in Rinoa's eyes. She tried to speak but no words would come, all that she was able to do was to give him a soft smile and nod her head.

Squall's eyes were slowly becoming more focused and he could see her more clearly with each passing moment. The pale frozen skin he recalled in his nightmares was now replaced with warm, normal flesh tones. He could hear her sharp and quick breaths; feel her fluttering pulse beneath the grip of his fingers. There was light again in her dark eyes. She looked virtually un-aged from an eight year time span. She was here…she was real. The emotions of his heart were to the point of overflowing.

And all he could do was stare.

His touch sent electricity coursing through her entire body. If not for the grip he held on her arm she would have fallen to her knees by now. It was astonishing how this one simple act could cause her to lose all self control. How in the ninth level of hell did she expect to survive this when her heart caved in so easily? Rinoa stared back at him, completely captivated. For the first time she could truly see him, she could see how much he had changed, how much he had aged. His face had become thinner, his hair slightly longer. She began to see the resemblance of his father more and more. He hadn't shaved in a couple of days and the stubble beginnings of a beard shadowed the lower extremities of his face.

The most shocking of all however, were his eyes. Storm colored eyes that looked far beyond their twenty-five years. They looked tired, like those of an old man at the end of his life. They were eyes that had seen the world over, and ultimately eyes that had seen far more than any mortal human being should have to. In them she could see unimaginable hurt and confusion. They were not the eyes she remembered. The confusion, the uncertainty had been there to an extent, but any innocence that had existed there before had vanished completely.

"When?" His rough voice broke the deafening silence.

"This afternoon." She replied, still immersed in the simple feel of his touch. "I think it's around nine o'clock now."

Squall closed his eyes for a moment in frustration and then looked at her expectantly. "That's not what I meant."

She turned her eyes away from his intense gaze. "About eight months ago."

It was longer than he was expecting. He was floored as to why she had never told him, never come to him. Why anyone wouldn't tell him. He wasn't sure how many people knew about it at this point. Why would she hide? How could she do that to him?

His voice was trembling with a simmering ire now. "Why Rinoa, why didn't you tell me?" He had been hurting for so long…

The first thing that flashed in her mind was the newspaper article and she responded to his question before she could stop herself. "Since when did Garden need to keep tabs on former clientele?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" He snapped. "You're not making any sense!"

"You know what Squall," she said, trying to stay in control. "You have a life now…you should go live it. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to ruin that life for you. It was for the best...the best for both of us."

_"This is for the best."_ The words echoed in his mind. He remembered them from that day long ago. She was standing inside the sealing chamber. He watched her suffer in agony and tell him it was for the best. He wouldn't accept that as justification this time…he couldn't take it again.

The anger flared inside him, he couldn't control it any longer. Squall shot up from his resting position pointing a finger at her. "Who the _hell_ are you to decide what is for the best huh? Especially…for…someone…else." His last statement fell short as the room around him began spinning out of control. The headmaster tried to focus his eyes again. His head pounded with an even greater intensity and a wave of nausea overtook him.

"Damn." He groaned, breathing heavily.

Rinoa saw his distress as soon as he sat up. His words were hurtful; however she would have to put her emotions away for the moment. "I told you not to get up." She walked to the side of the bed and helped to lower his body back down to the mattress. He closed his eyes trying to fight back the sickness rising from his stomach, rolling slowly over on his side. "Here," she said handing him a small empty trashcan. "I'll be right back." She managed to get passed the doorway before the sound of his gagging echoed into the plastic receptacle. The young woman shook her head wearily. This was going to be a long night.

Squall moaned and leaned onto the outside rim of the wastebasket in exhaustion. In a few moments Rinoa returned, cautiously taking it from him and sitting it on the floor. She then grabbed the pills and the glass of water she had brought from the kitchen.

"Take these." She placed the capsules into his hand. "They'll help you sleep."

He shook his head. "I'm not finished…I need to talk to you."

"You're finished tonight. We can talk tomorrow, you need to rest." The statement came across more forceful than she had intended, but she was emotionally and physically drained, she herself was not able to deal with this anymore tonight.

"You…you will be here…when I wake up?" He asked hesitantly, still believing she could disappear into thin air as soon as he closed his eyes.

"Yes…of course. Where else would I go?"

Squall looked at her once more before obliging her request. He popped the pills into his mouth and chased them down with the water in the glass.

"If you need anything…I'm in the next room."

"Thank you." He said, realizing he hadn't before.

"No problem." She said as she walked towards the door.

"Rinoa?" The young man stopped her.

"Yes?" She looked back over her shoulder.

"I'm…I'm sorry." He knew it would be of no comfort to the unforgivable sin he had committed on her, but for the first time he could say it to her and not some memory or apparition. Somehow the words came out harder now.

The young woman mistook the apology for the events of the day or for the anger he had expressed earlier. She just shrugged it off. "Don't worry about it." Squall watched as she disappeared into the dark hallway.

"I'm sorry…for everything."


	19. Calm Before the Storm

**_Chapter Nineteen: Calm Before the Storm_**

Squall was awake before any indication of dawn was apparent in the horizon. Oddly enough, it was later than when he usually awoke in Trabia. Slowly he moved his gaze about his surroundings. The lamp was left on, providing enough light for him to make out the basic features of the room. Not that there was much to observe. The room was not decorated in any way save for the burgundy curtains that were drawn across the only window in the room. The wood paneling revealed the age of the house with its gnarled and splintered mosaic. He looked at the nightstand across from the bed and saw the bowl with the wash cloth and a half empty glass of water. Lying a few feet away on the floor was the trashcan he had to make use of earlier.

Seeing these objects gave him an indescribable relief, it gave him another affirmation that all of the events up until this point had not been figments of his delusional mind. Either that or fate was giving him the longest most painful dream of his life. He wanted to know…he had to see her again. Carefully he brought himself up to a sitting position remembering full well the consequences of moving too quickly. His head still ached miserably though not quite with the intensity of before. He reached for the glass beside him and drank its remaining contents thirstily. The inside of his mouth felt like sandpaper.

The blankets crumpled together as he pushed himself out from underneath them. Squall set his feet upon the hardwood floor and used the table to steady himself. When he made it to a standing position he was met with the same nauseating vertigo of before. He closed his eyes, allowing his body to regain its equilibrium. After a few minutes the dizziness subsided and he began the slow trek around the house, holding on to walls and anything else to help steady himself. A soft glowing light was coming from the room downstairs; it cast enough illumination that he was able to see the outline of the steps. He grabbed onto the railing with both hands and gradually made his way down. His socked feet hit the floor and he padded silently towards the origin of the light.

A lamp sitting on an end table beside a large couch was the culprit. At first he thought there was nothing there but a big pile of blankets. When they shifted slightly, he realized that someone was underneath them. Squall approached the bundle with confusion. When he came around to the front of the sofa he saw Rinoa, her head just barely surfaced above the cover. Why would she need so many blankets? It didn't feel that cold to him and he was wearing a t-shirt.

A sudden deep sigh startled him from his thoughts. He looked down at her sleeping form. His mind still had trouble believing she was actually here in front of him. Part of him wanted to wake her up, feeling uneasy to see her eyes closed like that. He reassured himself that this was different. She was sleeping…everyone had to sleep right? He was just being foolish. Several moments past as he continued to watch her, finding himself unable to avert his gaze. Something inside told him to stop…it wasn't right…he knew it, but he wasn't hearing it.

Her hair billowed out from beneath the blankets like a dark river. Ebony tributaries cascaded like waterfalls across her face. It was longer than he remembered and her strawberry highlights were gone. Squall took in every detail as if he were imprinting her image onto his memory for the very first time. She moved again and his breath caught in his throat. He had to stop this. She was going to wake up, see him standing over her, and think he was completely psychotic. A small voice reminded him that it wasn't so far from the truth.

He looked and saw that her arm had fallen from the covers and hung from the couch in a somewhat awkward position. Slowly he bent down, reaching and taking her hand in his own. His knees popped as his legs came together. The young man paused for a moment, shocked at how cold her skin felt. With great care, he placed it back underneath the blankets, holding it there until he quickly came to his senses.

_"Hyne what the hell am I doing?" _Squall withdrew his hand as if it had been burned. _"Get a grip Leonhart! You can't do this!" _It had to be the concussion…that damn bird had knocked him absolutely out of his mind. He had to back away from this right now.

The words quickly faded away from his mind as his eyes focused on her once again. He was like a moth being drawn to a flame, he couldn't look away. It had just been so long, he had been haunted so many times by his own fevered delusions. Never in a million years did he ever dream he would actually see her or be able to touch her again.

But she was here, so close that he could hear every breath she took. She looked so serene lying there, her features not contorted in any pain or grief. It had been ages since he had been able to sleep like that. God it was beautiful. Squall kneeled before her now, completely helpless from his own desires. He stretched a trembling hand towards her, gently caressing the side of her face, reveling in the silken feel of her cheek beneath his calloused fingers.

Esperanza had been watching him closely from her position at the opposite end of the couch ever since she caught his scent as he descended the stairs. She had been silent and watchful up until this point, knowing that he was not a threat. But there were limits to what she would allow, especially with her master in such a defenseless position. It was a comfort zone that had precise boundaries…and the man just crossed them.

A low growl brought the headmaster quickly to his senses. He turned and saw the dog he hadn't noticed before and cursed himself for not paying more attention. It growled again and bared its teeth this time for emphasis. He moved his hands slowly away from the girl and held them up submissively. This did not appease the canine who continued to get louder.

The damn thing was going to wake her up and here he would be sitting here in front of her looking like a complete moron. Squall began crawling backwards on his hands. Years of training had taught him to move cautiously when cornered by an animal that feels threatened. Sudden movements could cause them to attack. Apparently though he wasn't moving fast enough for Esperanza who suddenly rose from her lying position and barked.

It was enough to send him flying backwards in shock across the floor. It was a short flight with an abrupt end in the form of a green armchair. He knocked the back of his head against one of the arms and nearly screamed at the pain.

"Son of a..." He groaned clutching his skull. He heard the sound of shifting cloth and quickly pulled himself up into the chair. He hastily took his hand away and tried desperately to look normal.

Rinoa yawned rubbing her eyes wearily before focusing them on the ceiling. "For the last time Esperanza you are not an alarm clo–." She stopped short as she saw a figure sitting across from her out of the corner of her eye. The young woman shot up in surprise.

"Squall?"

"Yeah...sorry to wake you." He managed.

"No, don't be. It's alright." She brought herself out from underneath the layers of blankets into a sitting position. "Are you okay?"

_"No, your dog tried to kill me."_

"I'm fine." He said trying his best to mask the pain.

She stood and made her way over to where he was sitting. One look into his eyes told her differently. "You don't look fine."

He shrugged in defeat. "I have a little headache."

"Little huh?" She replied skeptically. "Let me get you some ice for that."

Squall watched as she retreated around the corner into the kitchen. He felt something hit his knee and looked down to see Esperanza gazing up at him with a soulful expression.

He narrowed his eyes at the dog. "Oh sure, _now_ you want to be friends." She grunted and nuzzled his hand. He sighed and scratched behind one of her ears. "No hard feelings…but if you tell her I'll kill you." Esperanza responded by yawning and then panting happily. When he withdrew his hand, she turned and trotted to the kitchen to join her master.

He heard the sound of the ice shifting and decided she was having to use an ice pick to break it apart. A few of the cubes popped and skidded against the linoleum. He wondered if he should go and help her but decided against it. She wasn't a child; it would probably just insult her if he did.

A few moments later, she returned carrying a towel that was made into a makeshift ice pack. She tossed it from one hand to the other like a hot potato, her face seemingly contorted in great discomfort.

"Here," she said hurriedly tossing it into his direction. Squall caught it and looked at her with perplexity. Rinoa cupped her hands around her mouth and began breathing forcefully into them.

"Are...you okay?"

The sorceress nodded while continuing to warm her hands. When she was finally able to knock the chill off of them she spoke. "My body is intolerant to cold temperatures. It was the one complication I had from…being unsealed. I can't be out in below freezing temperatures. And even above it doesn't take much to send me into shivering fits. That's why I have to dress like I'm going ice fishing in the middle of March and sleep under a mountain of quilts," she said pointing to the couch.

"You have to live like that for the rest of your life?" He was once again overwhelmed with guilt that he was responsible for bringing this on her.

She shrugged. "It's a small price to pay. I'm getting used to it." She hadn't meant the statement to come out so casual, indifference had become her coping mechanism. He looked at her with a confused and penitent expression.

"It's…no big deal…really."

Squall averted his gaze to the floor and held the towel full of ice against the side of his head. He had no idea what to say, where to begin. The words seemed to come so easy before, when she was just a vision in his nightmares.

Rinoa shuffled her feet in the uncomfortable silence. She was torn on exactly what to tell him. A part of her thrilled beyond measure that he was here, while the other reminded her of his words and the truth that he really didn't give a damn about her. She decided to be safe, and just change the subject altogether. Something safe…something harmless.

"Are you hungry? I can fix you something. It might help your headache."

He remained lost in his thoughts, trying desperately to uncover them and piece together all of the things he needed to tell her. "I guess," he replied halfheartedly. In truth he had no use for food at the moment, but maybe this would give him enough time to think.

"Okay, I'll go start something." She was relieved just to get out of the room. There was so much tension in there one could cut it with a knife.

The girl entered the kitchen and looked around in uncertainty. She didn't know the first thing about cooking a large breakfast. Her staples since she had gotten there had been toast and cold cereal. Cooking was one of those things she needed to learn and had bought the supplies to do so. However, she hadn't planned on her first practice run to be so intimidating.

_"It's okay Rinoa, get a grip. This is just breakfast. Breakfast foods are simple right? It'll be a piece of cake."_

She opened the refrigerator door with her small amount of newfound confidence. The groceries stared back at her menacingly. _"Okay…so what the heck does he eat?" _The confidence suddenly dived into a life boat and abandoned ship. At that moment it occurred to her that she knew absolutely nothing about him. None of his likes or dislikes. She couldn't remember what he ate while they were at Garden. That brief time now felt like eons ago. What exactly had she been thinking that night in Esthar Garden? She felt like such an idiot. A carton of eggs in the refrigerator door caught her eye. Eggs…eggs were a start.

"Squall?" She yelled into the living room.

"Yeah?"

"Do you like eggs?"

"Yes."

"Scrambled?"

"That's fine."

This was turning out well. Scrambled eggs should be easy enough; she wouldn't have to worry about turning them and breaking the yolks. Rinoa grabbed a nearby mixing bowl and began cracking the eggs and dropping the contents into the container. As she began stirring them, she glanced at the cabinets above her trying to remember where the cookware was stored.

Squall looked around the living area for the first time. It was different than he remembered eight years ago. The bar had been taken out which opened the room considerably. Boxes were stacked in one of the far corners; most of them still taped up and untouched. The room did however have an air of warmth about it despite its size and the disarrayed moving boxes. It was more like a home. He certainly felt a great deal more comfortable than it did the last time he was here. Although in truth, he couldn't tell if it was really the house…or her. A collage of color suddenly caught his eye and he turned his attention to the dining table near the kitchen. He stood slowly and walked towards it. The fragrance hit his nose before he reached them. They were flowers…familiar flowers.

_"Irises?"_

When they were in the flower shop on their first visit here he remembered...he remembered telling her about irises. He didn't know why he told her, he felt like a fool afterwards. Matron had taken it upon herself to teach all of them about flowers when he lived at the orphanage. Why the hell that memory decided to surface at that point in time he had no idea. She had been so stressed…he was just trying to ease her mind a little.

_"Does she remember? Is that why she has them?"_

That was just stupid. How could she remember something so pathetic? The sound of something hitting the floor in the kitchen was enough to startle him from his thoughts. Inwardly he cursed himself for staring at the flowers for far too long.

"Damn it." Rinoa said aloud as she lost the grip on the frying pan which hit the linoleum with a resonating gong. She tried to steady herself, nearly losing her balance standing on the counter top.

"You know, whoever designed this house must have been really tall." She said to no one in particular while she repositioned her footing. The young woman gasped sharply in surprise as a hand closed around her bicep. She looked down and saw Squall gazing back up at her. He helped her off of the counter and onto the floor.

"Thanks." She said smiling slightly.

After a few moments he suddenly became aware that he was still holding on to her and released her arm hesitantly. God he had to get a grip on himself.

"Do you need some help?"

"Oh no, its fine I just…" she sighed in defeat. "Learning to cook is still on my to-do list."

"It's okay." Squall said as he picked the pan up off the floor and placed it on the stove. "I can cook a little."

The slight pressure of someone nuzzling at her leg stopped Rinoa before her mind could muster a reply. The canine rubbed her nose into her master's calves, gently herding her towards the front door. In all her distress about cooking breakfast, she had neglected taking Esperanza out for her morning rituals. There were many commands the dog understood, however 'wait until after breakfast' wasn't among them.

"Hold on girl, I'll take you outside." She made a gesture toward the entrance with two fingers. The dog quickly ran over, wagging her tail in delight. The words would go unheard by her deaf companion, but the young woman had brought herself into the habit of speaking to the dog. It was the only form of company she had on a daily basis, and without her, she wasn't sure how much sanity would've remained.

"I'm going to have to take Esperanza for a quick walk."

"No problem."

"I'll be right back."

He didn't answer this time, completely awestruck watching her walk to the front door. There was a heavy winter coat hanging on a nearby hook. At first Squall hadn't given it too much thought, but she grabbed it, putting it on, and zipping it up all the way. Without turning his head, the headmaster peered out a small atrium window over the sink. Through the potted plants and assorted ceramic figurines, he could make out a few townspeople outside going about their daily business. They appeared to be wearing either windbreakers or thick sweaters. He returned his gaze towards her, hating to see her bundled up like it was the middle of the winter. The heavily dressed woman was leaning over, scratching the dog affectionately behind the ear. When the canine seemed content with her master's attention, she turned toward the door barking in anticipation of the impeding freedom.

Rinoa said a few words to Esperanza that he couldn't decipher as she finally opened the front door. The dog ran out with the enthusiasm of an eager student at recess. She closed the door behind her without as much as a second glance toward him. He was honestly relieved, because for the third time today, he would have been caught hopelessly staring.

He sighed as he watched her cross the cobblestone street in front, heading toward a small overgrown field. The young man's heart sank again, as the guilt started to once again consume his mind. Maybe it was the reality of seeing her dressed so unseasonably or maybe it was from the fear of taking his eyes off her. Whatever it was would have to wait, because right now, he was burning the toast.

* * *

"No…Leonhart," she repeated, trying not to let the stress take over. "Yesterday, he was supposed to check-in yesterday."

_"I'm sorry, but there is nobody here with that name."_

"Could you just please check the registry again? Maybe you missed him the first, second, or third-"

_"Ma'am we only have two guests here, and both are female. This isn't exactly a tourist hotspot."_

Elise rubbed her temples trying to get any relief from the pounding in her head, not even the aspirin was helping. "What about any bed-and-breakfasts in the area, or another place he could have stayed?"

_"No, we're it. I mean, if he knows someone here, or has family…but there's no public boarding rooms. People here aren't exactly open to strangers staying with them."_

She sighed in defeat, the worry inevitably seeping through the cracks. "Thanks anyway… Can I leave a message for him, just in case he does show up?"

_"No problem."_

"Just tell him that Elise called, and wanted to make sure that he…" She stopped herself. Every time it looked as if she were checking up, he would pull away that much further. "Just tell him Elise called."

_"Do you need to leave a number?"_

"He knows it."

Placing the phone down, she had to laugh at the irony…if he knew it, why in the hell didn't he call? He had the night before from the hotel, but now, he seemed to have been pulled into a black hole distorting time and space, its event horizon laying somewhere between Timber and Winhill. It always felt as he was being drawn toward the same singularity, the same equation, the same factor…Rinoa Heartilly. No matter how hard he tried, gravity wouldn't allow him to escape. It was the worst of her fears being realized, in twenty-four hours he had stumbled once again into old habits. She wouldn't be surprised if he was sleeping somewhere, recovering from his binge the night before.

And all because of _her._

The sound of her fingernails tapping the desk filled the room like a rhythmic drum. She tried to retrace his steps, figuring out where he could have traveled from Timber. The possibilities were endless…hell, for all she knew he could still be there, passed out cold in an alleyway. What troubled her most was how many times he allowed his cell phone to go unanswered. It wasn't like him to ignore his messages completely, and for so long. He had been good at covering his tracks where his faults were concerned, something she knew all too well.

If this had involved anyone else, she wouldn't have worried so. He could handle any situation with ease, except one. _This one. _This is when his heart ruled over his head, and the consequences usually ended up in more paperwork.

One last time. She would try the cell phone one last time. It was past dawn now in Winhill, and maybe…well, _just maybe_… Right now 'maybe' was the only piece of sanity she had within her grasp. She dialed the number one more time, one she had memorized by their second date four years ago.

* * *

The rows of flowers moved like small waves within the ocean, as rows upon rows of vibrant shades danced in the wind. The woman looked over to where the earth met the sky, shaking her head at the sight. There was something brewing on the horizon, time and experience had taught her that much folklore was rooted in truth. Her feathered companion was oblivious to the hues, only doing his job, watching for trespassers. Although allowing himself small breaks to search the ground for gyshal greens, which may have unexplainably appeared overnight.

Maude closed her eyes before turning her attention back to the flowers in front of her. "Lucky, I don't like the color of that sky one bit. There is never anything good that can come out of a red sky in the morning. And I think we're already going to have enough drama around here to make our own soap opera. Squall Leonhart could put Kyle McCarthy to shame…then again, if Kyle had walked into the shop…"

_"Wark! Wark!"_ The bird interrupted, flapping his wings frantically.

"Yeah fine. If that hot chocobo shows up from down the way, don't think I'm going to give you fresh straw for your bed."

Lucky moved over to his master, prodding her to get up with his beak. "What is it boy? Find another handsome young stud unconscious in the field… I was only kidding about Kyle, but…hey finder's keepers." She followed the bird, finally hearing the sound that was driving him to his momentary panic attack. Reaching down, she picked up a silver cell phone that was sounding. "Hello?"

_"I'm…sorry I must have dialed the wrong number."_ A female voice responded apologetically.

"Wait, are you looking for a handsome man about 5' 8', killer rear view, but a bit of a quick temper?"

_"Ah…yes." _

"Aren't we all sweetheart, but I think yours might be here."

_"I'm sorry… who is this?"_

"Maude… Maude McCay."

There was silence from the other end, thinking that older woman was going to continue with some relevant information to the conversation. When there was none, the younger woman asked slightly confused, _"Ms. McCay is Squall Leonhart there?"_

"Here? No hun, I'm standing in the middle of a flower field, up to my ankles in sh- I mean fertilizer."

_"Okay, okay… let me start over. I'm Elise… Dr. Vandermere and I'm looking for Squall Leonhart."_

"A doctor, hey?"

_"Yes, yes a doctor… now is he around?"_

"Nah, he must have dropped this phone after the chocobo knocked him out cold. You should have seen it, one good whack and he was flatter than a blobra in extreme gravity. But while I have you on the line, I wanted to ask you about my--"

_"What? Squall? Is he okay?"_

"Mr. Personality? He'll pull through; just will be a bigger headache than he already is…"

_"Where is he?"_

"Oh, we carted him away."

_"Excuse me, you what?"_

"Well, we tied Lucky… he's my pet chocobo, although he doesn't like to be referred to as a 'pet' he feels it is demeaning towards him. He prefers 'feathered business associate.' He likes to remind me quite often that he does more than his share of – Wait, where was I?"

Elise thought the woman had to be kidding. This had to be some morbid joke that Squall was playing, but Squall didn't have this much of an imagination… no one in the world would have this much imagination.

_"Maude, Ms. McCay, I am glad about your chocobo, but could you please just tell me what happened to my fiancée?"_

"Fiancée, huh… lucky girl."

Elise wanted to scream. _"Yes...yes…"_

"He is fine, he's recovering at my partner's house…and don't worry - this one doesn't have feathers."

_"Is there any way I can talk with him, please?"_

"Sure no problem. Let me just finish this up and I'll run the phone by the house. I'm sure he's frantically looking for it."

_"Thank you."_ Elise said with a little more conviction.

"No problem dear, now don't you worry. I'll keep a good eye on your young man, make sure he feels right at home." The older woman didn't wait for a response as she turned off the phone before placing it in her jacket. She turned to Lucky who was now intently locked in a starting contest with his reflection in a nearby pond. "Well boy, guess his fiancée is worried about him. A doctor no less." The chocobo made no attempt to move afraid that his stealthy comrade might win by default.

Maude sighed as she looked up toward the clouds that seemed to be moving in quickly. "Red sky in morning, sailor take warning… Sorry Elise…whatever is on the horizon is going to affect everyone."

* * *

The earth sank beneath Rinoa's feet as she followed her companion into a small meadow. Why Esperanza's field of choice had to be a short stride away, she couldn't comprehend. The grass outside their backdoor would suit her needs just as reasonably. The young sorceress watched as the dog ran around in circles, and then appeared to be chasing a few butterflies that had been resting in the tall stalks of grass. At least she hoped they were butterflies, Angelo once did the same thing, unfortunately it was a small colony of bite bugs. Who knew one could use calamine lotion on dogs?

She laughed inwardly at the memory, realizing how much she missed her old companion. But she had led a good full life, Selphie made sure of that. Rinoa only wished that she could thank the young woman, but knew that would be out of the question. And it was in moments like this, she could see Angelo's mannerisms in Esperanza. Still it was hard to think that Angelo was a great-grandmother by now, and her 'children' were all over the world helping save others' lives. That alone brought her incredible consolation.

Rinoa glanced over to the building she'd called 'home' for the last months. Part of her wanted to run back in, afraid that he would be gone by the time she had returned. The other part of her wanted to stay out here, this was safe. She had always found a strange serenity while being among nature, even if that meant putting up with the occasional bite bug.

It was then that she looked beyond the horizon of their residence, seeing the bright colors dancing in the sky. It was the most vibrant shades she'd ever imagined. The burgundy and ginger hues almost looked like mountaintops and the sweeping wave design seemed to alternate patterns like an ocean's current. Or if you looked long enough, you could see the top spikes of a dragon, concealed in the blood-red sea. The scales were lined in shades of auburn and the face was hidden within the water's depths. It was not seeing the face that was the most haunting.

The daybreak was the most stunning, yet most fear-provoking, natural phenomenon she had ever witnessed. She felt a chill run through her body, although this time, it was not brought on by the temperatures surrounding her. The dog must have sensed her master's uneasiness, and Rinoa felt a nose dig into her leg.

"I'm okay." She answered, patting the canine on the head in affirmation. "You ready to go back inside?"

The dog tilted her head slightly to one side, not understanding the human's words. Rinoa smiled apologetically at Esperanza, giving her another hand command and the dog took off toward their house. She followed behind, trudging out of the field. Putting her hands in the fur-lined pockets of her coat, Rinoa looked back up to the dragon form guarding the sunrise. The sky didn't sit right with her, and she knew that a storm was approaching. She only hoped that whatever it was would pass as quickly as the serpentine creature no longer visible in the clouds.

* * *

A rush of warm air hit her in the face as she opened the door. She tried to shake the apprehension from her mind trying to convince herself that it was just some random cloud cover, or that it would make a detour around Winhill. A storm was the last thing she needed right now. Esperanza trotted in beside her and shook herself from head to tail as if to knock off any foreign invaders that may have tried to catch a free ride. Rinoa knelt down to the dog's level and rubbed her head playfully.

The smell of toast caught her nose and she turned to see Squall raking out the remaining eggs from the pan onto a plate. It didn't feel like she has been gone that long, maybe eight minutes tops. She figured she would be back in time to help him. But here he was putting the food on the table. Needless to say, she was shocked.

"Wow Squall, I'm impressed." He looked so…odd as a cook. It was almost humorous and she tried to control the laugh that threatened to rise from her throat.

He looked up at the sound of her voice and his heart skipped a beat. She was smiling. It was the first time since he had been here that she had smiled like that. That smile that had captivated him from the beginning. Years of memories flashed before his eyes and he saw her at seventeen again, when the world seemed less cruel and hope was not some fleeing creature that existed only in children's bedtime stories.

Her smile faded and was replaced with a look of concern. "You okay?"

He broke from his daze quickly and resumed his task. "Fine."

"Your head's still hurting isn't it?" God, here he was injured and she had basically made him cook breakfast…well she never asked him…but she cursed herself for allowing him. She shouldn't have even permitted him to get out of bed.

His headache…yes that was a good cover. "Yeah…but it's better than it was."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, it's fine. Everything's ready…come sit down." He hoped the burning fire that rushed through his cheeks wasn't a visible one

Rinoa obliged his request and sat in the chair across from him. Quietly she observed the spread of food before her. Eggs, toast, and some sliced fruit that she had completely forgotten about in the refrigerator.

"Thank you," she said feeling painfully sheepish at the sound of her voice. "It looks wonderful. You really didn't have to do this, I must be the worst host on the planet."

He shook his head as he spread a pat of butter on his toast. "I really don't mind. I do it a lot." He didn't add the fact that he also screwed it up a lot. He hoped something would come along and eat that evidence in the form of the burnt toast he had thrown out the window before she returned.

The sorceress stirred the contents of her coffee cup. "What are cooking classes part of some SeeD training requirement?" She had meant it as a good natured joke.

Later, he would regret the next words out of his mouth. He would hate himself for breaking the short lived dam of blissful peace with a mere handful of words. Unbeknownst to him, Squall Leonhart would say the worst thing he could possibly say.

"No, Elise usually leaves for work before I do, so I usually get stuck with the duty of throwing something together. Neither of us have time to get anything at the cafeteria."

The room went dead silent. It was if all the oxygen had been sucked out through an airlock into space. Squall continued as if he had said nothing, taking a sip of his coffee.

It was as if a bombshell had been dropped into her lap all over again. Hell, he might as well have leaned across the table and slit her throat with the butter knife. She didn't think it would feel much different. She closed her eyes, feeling the anger rising, not so much for him…but for herself. Angry that for a few brief moments she had forgotten herself, she had forgotten this situation, and for a split second, she actually believed that things could be as they were before.


	20. Until I Fall Away

**_Chapter Twenty: Until I Fall Away _**

The rest of the meal was eaten in silence, neither of them able to voice the frantic words that raced through each of their minds trying desperately to escape. Rinoa finished first and took her plate into the kitchen, unconcerned about her overly quick steps away from the table. She was just grateful for an excuse to get away before the emotions she held back imploded upon themselves and caused her to break down on the floor in a screaming, sobbing fit.

When she had left the room, Squall dropped the front of wellness he wore through the meal. Slowly he eased his head down to the table, resting it against the polished surface. Someone was hammering anvils inside his head and the eggs were not sitting well with him at all. The emotions, the questions, the surrealism of all this, and her damn indifference…those things alone made him want to throw up. He closed his eyes and sighed heavily, fogging up his reflection in the shining tabletop. Hyne it was hot.

"These are the strongest things I have," she said placing two aspirin in front of him.

The sound of her voice startled him as he shot up from his resting position. Much too quickly, and he was unable to hide the wince of pain that spread across his features. He wasn't expecting her back so quickly.

"Thanks," he said taking the tablets.

He looked miserable. Anger or not, she wished she could help him. A part of her wanted nothing more than to take him into her arms and hold him there until his pain subsided. Meanwhile the other half found some sort of morbid satisfaction in his torment.

"Maybe a shower would help?" She offered. "You're welcome to use the one upstairs…I left your bag in the bedroom. I feel in need of one myself. And you will probably want to go before I do because, well, I use up all of the hot water."

Squall put the pills in his mouth and then glanced down at his disheveled appearance. His shirt was covered in grass stains and dirt. He was afraid to see himself in a mirror, his hair was probably standing all on end. An uncontrollable twinge of embarrassment passed over him. The young man wasn't sure why exactly, she had seen him in far worse shape, covered in blood and monster entrails. This was hardly new. It was however, not how he pictured their first meeting to be…back when he had still hoped for it.

"Yeah…that will probably help." He said standing. "That is…if you don't mind."

Rinoa shook her head. "Not at all. Hot water is on the left, cold is on the right." He nodded and headed up the stairs in a lumbering, drunken fashion. When he had topped the steps and vanished from her sight, she put a hand against her forehead and took a deep breath.

_"Keep it together Rinoa."_

She was to the point of a break down. And she would be damned before she fell apart in front of him. A flashing red light suddenly caught her eye and she turned to see the answering machine next to the entranceway of the kitchen. The sorceress gave a sideways glance to the stairs and listened for the sound of running water to make sure he was gone before walking over to the device and pressing the play button.

"You…have…one…new…message." The robotic voice droned.

At first there was a slight shuffling coming through the speaker as the message played before one word was uttered.

_"Damn."_

That voice was undoubtedly Quistis, calling to warn her. Unfortunately, she was too late…and apparently she realized it. Again she wished her friend was here to play referee in this mess. Ultimately, Rinoa was scared. She had no idea what was going to happen…what would be come of this. She sighed again and took to busying herself with cleaning the dishes, trying not to think of the name he so blatantly stabbed her with.

The headmaster stood at the top of the steps in shock. He had returned to ask her where she kept the towels when he overheard the message. The realization again fell over him and he was filled with anger and hurt. It was only one word, but he had recognized the voice immediately. Quistis had known…for eight months she had known. The 'sick friend' was Rinoa. She of all people knew him. She knew he would have wanted to know. She knew how much he cared for Rinoa…didn't she? And the part that floored him the most was that _she_ was in on it. She didn't want him to know…she didn't want to be found. She was just going to start a life here as far away as she could get from him and leave him to burn himself alive in his own personal hell.

Why? Why would she do this to him? Did she really hate him that much? Was this his punishment for being too late?

He clenched his fists in an attempt to quell his rage. Squall decided he would not confront her like this…he would need his thoughts collected and his mind calmed. It wouldn't do any good to fly at her in a blind fury. Slowly he turned and headed back towards the shower.

* * *

How could something so small contain something so devastating? It made the normally by-the-book Cid Kramer and Dr. Kadowaki break the very rules they helped create. Elise grasped the cassette firmly in her hand, as if it were her last link to sanity. By outward appearances, it seemed just as mundane as any other one in her countless files, but something about this one terrified her.

Maybe it held the truth, the truth she had once sought.

She wondered when she had stopped searching and only began taking his words at face value. Maybe it was easier that way, to live the life that she had created in her mind - the one of normalcy. The one where Rinoa Heartilly was truly dead and someday would be a long forgotten memory to him… This was reality and it scared the hell out of her.

The recorded date was typed on the label, followed by the initials of what she could barely make out as those of Jason Stevens, the therapist overseeing the session. However, what stood out the most was the red ink boldly stamped across the front. _Classified._ That simple. It was one word with a world of implications. She found herself involuntary trembling as she placed the cassette in the recorder. It was so simple: just press 'play.' How hard could that be? Harder than she could've ever imagined.

She threw the recorder onto the desk, watching it skid across the wooden surface. The feeling of bile rising from the depths of her stomach was the only sensation registering. The rest of her was numb. She tried to dissociate herself, to think of him only as a patient she could possibly treat… No amount of training was helping her distance herself from this case; he was more than a mere file number. She was his goddamned fiancée, and right now, that was all she could be. Choking back the tears, the young woman placed her head on the desk, hoping the moment of sickness would subside.

Her breathing was deep and unsteady, as each attempt became more like clearing a hurdle. She closed her eyes, filling her lungs with the much needed oxygen that seemed to be eluding her grasp.

_"Elise, are you sure you're doing this for the right reasons?"_

_"What?"_

_"It's med school all over, you can't save everyone." _

_"Jason, it's not the same. I love him." _

The conversation from yesterday kept repeating like a cassette within her own mind. She knew this was different. She would prove her colleague wrong. He had to be. And there remained only one way of doing that…by listening to what she feared. Somehow if she didn't look, kept her eyes closed to the world, the darkness would make the inevitable easier… She moved only one hand, feeling the wooden surface for the player. Somewhere the lines of professionalism and personal had blurred, and she was traveling quickly down the highway during a hailstorm. The mechanism made a small 'click,' followed by a low humming that emanated from the recording itself. The first decipherable sound, she believed, was a chair being dragged across the linoleum.

_"Good Morning, headmaster."_ There was silence. The doctor was waiting for some type of verbal response. When he got none, he continued, _"How are you feeling today?"_

_"Oh on top of the world, better than life, what do you honestly think?" _

_"Now Squall, this isn't about me."_

_"No, I don't suppose it is. I would've stopped this bullshit way before now."_

There seemed to be a long pause before the doctor ascertained, _"Squall, you've been drinking."_

_"You're a genius, aren't you? Don't suppose you keep anything useful in those cupboards?"_

"You _do realize this breaks the terms of the probation set forth by the board of directors? You could face disciplinary actions, up to and including dismissal."_

_"Are you my doctor or my attorney?" _Squall's voice hissed from the other end.

Elise couldn't help but cringe. It didn't sound at all like the person she knew. He'd had drunken outbursts before, and she had witnessed several eruptions large enough to make a volcano look like a small ember from a campfire. This one was different; he seemed different. She knew one thing about his erratic behavior, the common denominator always seemed to be either alcohol or sleep deprivation. On this date, it sounded like a lethal combination of both. His body and mind would have to be at a near breaking point before he would talk about Rinoa.

Elise silently doubted every decision she'd ever made involving him, never reporting violations as her job so clearly outlined. Maybe she should have years ago, maybe things wouldn't have gotten this far. She had tried so hard to help cover his mistakes, and even now, she couldn't mask them. His demons were too complex, it had always been just a matter of time. It was a miracle he had made it this long. With the impeding trial, the enormity of his problems couldn't be denied. The tears no longer threatened to fall. They freely traced their own course down her cheeks, before landing unceremoniously on the desk.

After awkward moments of silence, Dr. Stevens tried reasoning with his patient. In hindsight, it sounded like a form of emotional blackmail. However, Elise understood. If it had been within her power, she would have chosen the same path.

_"Listen Squall, I'll make you a deal. You tell me honestly what's on your mind and today stays between us."_

_"Don't you shrinks have some kind of doctor/patient privilege?"_

_"Normally yes, but your transfer agreement states that-"_

_"Whatever." _

_"Okay Squall. Can you at least tell me what possessed you to drink?"_

_"Yeah, I was thirsty, it was there. Mystery solved."_

_"Squall…what's happening? You are so bitter today. What has changed?"_

_"Look, I haven't slept in over thirty-three hours and I've had enough whisky to drown a damn chocobo. What else could it be?"_

_"You're asking the questions again. Listen, I'm going to make note of this occurrence, but not officially report it to the board. If it happens again, it will be out of my hands. The only condition being, when you are done, you're going directly to your quarters to sleep it off. I can't have you around the students in this state."_

_"Whatever. I can't sleep either way, so what's the difference?"_

_"Is there a reason you can't sleep?"_

_"Yeah, I should have been there yesterday. But no…I'm too damn weak." _

_"There?"_

_"Yeah 'there'… in Esthar, okay?"_

There was the sound of several papers being shuffled, followed by a light rhythmic tapping. She knew that sound, Squall drumming his fingertips on whatever surface he was nearest to. It was a habit he'd acquired over the years. She had diagnosed it as a nervous condition, only manifesting itself when he felt uncomfortable. Ironically, in the last five years, she had acquired it too…

The doctor spoke after finding the information that he had been searching for. _"Yesterday was March 3rd. It would have been Rinoa Heartilly's 20th birthday."_

"Damn it!" Elise outwardly cried. Not once did she think about the date stamped on the tape. It now all seemed abundantly clear, why he was more hostile on _this_ date than in his normal sessions. As someone in love with him, she was supposed to notice key details like that…that was her job.

_"She's dead." _He finally snapped. _"Dead people don't have birthdays."_

_"No Squall, they don't. But that doesn't mean you can't celebrate their life."_

_"What life? The one I ended… the one I see every fucking time I sleep? How can I sleep when I all see is her?" _

_"Can you tell me what she is doing when you see her?"_

There seemed to be an extremely long pause, before he finally answered_, "Saving me."_

_"What?"_

_"Shit, she is saving me okay? What don't you understand about that, the word 'saving' or the word 'me'? I can get you a dictionary."_

The man continued to ignore Squall's sarcasm. It was a defense mechanism. Elise knew that fact all too well. _"Well, can you tell me why it is so horrible? If she's saving you."_

_"I-I don't want to be saved."_

_"Why Squall? Why don't you want to be saved?"_

_"Why? Because I couldn't save her, and she has no right in hell to save me!" _The headmaster's voice rose furiously. All the time Dr. Stevens kept speaking in a calm, reassuring tone.

_"Do you want to tell me about this dream?"_

_"…Dreams."_

_"More than one?"_

_"Glad you understand the plural form of a noun doctor, good for you. Now let me give you a few select adjectives-"_

_"You do realize I'm here to help you, Squall. Can you tell me how she saves you in the dreams?"_

_"She saves me only in **one** dream. The other, I can't save her. The second one is reality… it was her last day alive in Esthar. I see her face through the glass… so cold… I hear her saying--" _Squall stopped speaking suddenly.

_"Go on."_

_"I can't. Not that one."_

_"Okay what about the other one? The one where she saves you?"_

_"It's not real."_

_"That's okay, tell me about it anyway."_

_"It's dark."_

_"So, it's nighttime?"_

_"Did I say that? Are you going to let me tell you, or do you want to keep interrupting me? I said it was **dark**, I never said it was night…there is no night. I can't open my eyes. It's hard to breathe. Tired, I'm so tired…I just want to sleep."_

Both voices momentarily quieted down. Elise could hear Squall, winded for air, his breaths hurried and shallow. She had never heard him sound like this… The closest thing was back in the infirmary when she held his hand. But even then, he was calm in his delusions.

_"Squall? Lie down and take long steady breaths. Squall, can you hear me?"_

_"No! Don't say my name. She's saying it, I can barely hear, but I know it's her. Please no, just let me die…I deserve it. The ground…so cold, so hard. I want to die here. I want this earth to be my grave. Don't please Rinoa…don't…she's crying. Damn her. I can feel the tears…so warm, so real, so full of life. I can't help her, I want to help her."_

Elise wanted to die; never had she heard anything like this from him. It wasn't Squall Leonhart, it couldn't be. She wanted to reach through time so badly, to hold him, to comfort him, to tell Jason to shut the hell up. Damn, at that point she wished she could've saved Rinoa. Anything, anything to stop this suffering. Her sanity was quickly becoming as questionable as Squall's, and her breathing soon mirrored his.

_"Oh God, it's too bright."_ Squall's voice grew more desperate, his mind was reliving the memory that his heart longed to forget.

"Squall, you said it was dark, what changed?"

_"She did. I can see light, her light. 'Squall…I'm here. I've got you…don't let go.' Her words, I can hear them. I want to live in that moment…she's holding me. I don't want it to end. Oh god…I can see her. I don't want to see her anymore though, it hurts too much. Damn her, she's smiling at me. I can't…I can't help it… I can't control my own actions… I whisper her name and I'm smiling. I don't do that! I can't…she's dead. No, not this time… Don't die… please don't die Rinoa. I can't love somebody who's dead… I promise this time will be different. Please…please, Rinoa." _

He was begging her to stay. Elise had never heard him beg for anything. He simply didn't beg, until now. His tone changed from pleading to angry within seconds_. "She's fading away. I want to go after her…I can't move. All I can see are flowers. So many damn flowers. I'm choking on them; the smell is too strong. I can't… I can't breathe…"_

She heard several hasty gasps, louder than the ones before. He was hyperventilating, she knew this much just listening to the tape. The sound of a clipboard being tossed onto a hard surface echoed, as a set of footsteps ran across the linoleum tiles.

_"Squall, stop and take a deep breath. Now! Damn it, nurse get in here!"_

_"Don't let go. Don't let go_."

He repeated the words like a sacred mantra, in between each gasp that exhausted lungs allowed him to steal. The next minutes were slightly hard to make out in the upheaval. There were no direct words, beside a few orders relayed to the nurse.

She could make an educated guess of what happened. The lethal combination of lack of sleep, alcohol, and dementia was setting in, and his body was finally shutting down. He was fighting against himself, with more fortitude and determination than she'd witnessed in almost five years. They were forced to administer some form of tranquilizer to induce his sleep, just as she was forced to do months back. If he kept neglecting his body, and with his habit of substance abuse, he would eventually force himself into cardiac arrest. It was a risk, not knowing the amount of alcohol that he had consumed, but it was a calculated one that the doctor had to take.

Minutes passed as the tape continued to record the events. Finally, Dr. Stevens picked up the telephone, entering a long series of numbers.

_"Headmaster Kramer, we had to stabilize him. He's under sedative now. More than likely will be out the rest of the day, and most of the night." _

There was a lengthy amount of silence on the tape. Obviously, Cid was talking to him, sorting out the details.

_"No…I'm sorry. I'm not sure."_ This time the pause only lasted seconds. _"No, he seemed to be reliving it. I know he claims it was only a dream, but the way he described it made me wonder…"_

"_What? Are you serious? How can… she can do that?"_ Another pause. Damn, Elise wished she could have heard Cid's end of the exchange. _"Yes, I am."_

More silence followed, the unknown part of the conversation was killing her. _"Yes, well over thirty hours. And yes, he freely admitted the alcohol consumption."_ A final insufferable pause. _"Okay, right away sir."_

The telephone receiver was set forcefully into the cradle. The next legible noise was heavy footsteps moving across the floor. A few papers shuffled in the background, before the unexpected sounds of paper being torn in a shredder. The last thing she heard was someone picking up the recorder.

_"I'm so sorry, Squall. Forgive us."_ The doctor's voice apologized, just softly enough for the microphone to make it out. It was never meant to be heard. Another click…and then a final silent pause.

Elise found the resolve to sit upright in the chair. With the back of her hand, she wiped off the tears staining her face, drying damp fingers on her overcoat. She knew his nightmares were bad, but she never foresaw something so lucid. The cassette was marked 'classified' to protect him, much like she had done for the last several years. Only, this was auditory proof of his failures. One listening by any sitting council member, and Squall would have been another footnote in Garden's history. She now understood that Cid was still concealing something deeper, along with Dr. Stevens. Professional courtesy, not to mention personal welfare, would keep either of them from breaking their oath. It was up to her to follow their clues.

She _would_ save him no matter the cost. No matter the truth.

Straightening up, she inhaled deeply, regaining her professional demeanor. His voice sounded so forlorn, so painfully desperate… Something he had rambled almost incoherently just registered. Even if she didn't want it to. She ran the tape back, replaying his confession one more time.

_"I can't…she's dead. No, not this time… Don't die… please don't die Rinoa. I can't love somebody who's dead… I promise this time will be different. Please…please, Rinoa." _

He _couldn't_ 'love somebody who was dead.' Yet he _didn't_ love somebody that was still very much alive. She wanted to throw the recorder across the room, wanted to shatter it into a hundred million pieces. She wanted to do anything, but hear the words that she'd just heard.

It was in that moment Elise knew she could never truly have his heart. Worse yet, she realized that somewhere deep inside, she had known that from the beginning. Jason was right.

She managed to choke out the words between ragged breaths, "I-I can't save everyone."

For almost five years, she had convinced herself that she was fighting only for Squall's sanity. Now she knew it wasn't only his past demons she was facing, it was also hers.

* * *

Squall stared into the dark abyss of the shower drain. The water swirled precariously on the brink before falling to the depths beyond. He sighed as the hot water drummed against his head quelling the fierce ache while washing away the dirt and lathered soap. He tried to focus on the situation, on anything, but his mind kept spinning.

While the water eased his physical pain and his mental exhaustion, his mind screamed for assurance, assurance that she was still there. He cursed himself for leaving her alone. All of the deep and scattered fears welled up to the surface. Fears that had haunted him forever now faced reality once more. The fear that he would turn his back and something would happen to her again…and he would be too late.

_Entombed._

_Dead._

_Forever._

_Forever…too late._

He gasped sharply as words and images came flooding through his senses. Quickly he turned the water off and opened the frosted glass door. He stopped in mid stride and took a deep breath. When he regained some of his composure, Squall moved his other foot out of the shower and closed the door behind him. The young man grabbed a nearby towel and pressed it against his face. He was letting his anxieties overtake him again. He had to maintain control. He wouldn't lose it. Not in front of her. She had lived alone and well for the last eight months. The only threat she faced now was from him and his weaknesses. He tried to remind himself this over the thunderous pounding of his heart.

After he had dried off, he wrapped the towel around himself and made his way into the bedroom. Digging through his duffle bag, he discovered that in his rush he had packed winter clothing out of habit. Sighing heavily at his oversight, he slid on a pair of faded blue jeans over his boxers and continued looking at the sweaters and sweatshirts he had laid out onto the bed. He found an undershirt and pulled it over his head and then grabbed a black long sleeved button-up shirt, which seemed to be thinnest thing in the bag. Squall left the shirt open, hoping he wouldn't get too hot, though it was probably inevitable. It already felt like an oven in the house.

The headmaster thought again of the torturous ailment she would have to endure for the rest of her life. Of spending warm spring days in a coat designed for blizzard temperatures. Of only seeing the beauty of snowfall through thick windowpanes and in postcards. Of spending long insufferable winters trapped within four isolated walls. His hands began trembling as the guilt surged through him once more. Naturally it was the explanation of her detachment towards him. She _hated _him. He had ruined any and all chances for her to have a normal life. Rinoa Heartilly would never forgive him, and he couldn't blame her.

Squall reached into the bag, taking out a small zipped satchel that held his medicine. He sat down on the edge of the bed and began taking the bottles out one by one, placing them on the nightstand. There were five in total. Two were antidepressants, another was for anxiety, and the fourth bottle contained the pain medicine Elise had prescribed for his back after the accident. The fifth held a very mild sedative that was supposed to help him sleep. He found them to be about as useful as eating candy. But he wasn't allowed to have the strong ones anymore…they were addictive.

He left the sedative alone, along with the pain pills because they clouded his mind. The young man wanted to have his wits with him today, pain or no pain. He wanted answers. Taking the other three pills into his hand and the empty glass on the nightstand in the other, he walked back into the bathroom. He poured water from the faucet into the glass and swallowed it along with the pills. Squall splashed a little of the water on his face and glanced into the mirror in front of him. What he saw in the fogged reflection caused a sheet of familiar icy fear to solidify in his chest. It was the same fingered streaks that ran down the length of the sealing chamber. The same ones he saw in his own bathroom mirror all those months ago.

He put a hand to his mouth as he stumbled backwards. _Signs_. There were signs! The mirror, the training center, the basketball court…all signs he should have paid attention to. Instead he had walked blindly through them like the delusional madman he was. All this time missing their message…she was _alive_.

Squall Leonhart couldn't have hated time, fate, or most of all himself any more in that moment. Tears of bitter anger stung his eyes as he stared at the trickling condensation, watching gravity pull it to the rim of the mirror. He slammed his fist against the wooden surface with utter resentment and loathing for the man he saw in the mirror. The force of the impact caused the drinking glass to spin. It teetered on the edge before falling off the vanity and shattering on the floor.

The sudden crash broke him from the intense battle roaring within his mind. He cursed under his breath as he bent down to pick up the shards now scattered on the tile. His hand suddenly froze above the broken glass as he saw something that made the remnants of his blood run cold. The pieces fell into a pattern that looked unmistakably like…a hand. The young man tried his automatic response of blinking the apparition away to no avail. It was still there, seemingly lifting itself up from the floor towards him. Squall became entranced with the familiar image and was unable to stop himself as he pressed his own hand against it.

"Are you okay?"

He nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of her voice, spinning around as if he heard a ruby dragon sneaking up behind him. A horrifying image flashed through his mind as he turned towards the door. She was staring at him from behind a wall of glass with dead, hollow eyes, accusing him through ice-covered lips. It took nearly a whole heartbeat for the apparition to fade, but it felt like an eternity. Slowly he began to breathe again as he drifted back to reality. Looking down once more, he saw the hand in the broken glass had vanished; the streaks on the mirror were gone. For a moment he closed his eyes, desperately trying to crawl behind the mask he held for so long, the mask that had been chipped away a little more each day after he had first met her, the one that nearly fell apart after she left him. He did his best to hide the shock and fear in his eyes, in his movements, and hoped desperately she couldn't see the violent quaking of his hands.

"Squall?"

"I knocked a glass over. I'm sorry." He turned away from her and began picking up the pieces.

Rinoa looked at the kneeling man in front of her with concern. What had he been doing? He looked scared to death. She supposed a loud noise could do that to someone in a place like this. The house was always creaking and moaning…not to mention the fact that this was where his mother once lived. She chastised herself for being insensitive to that fact. She thought maybe she should say something to him about it, though she wasn't sure what. The thought quickly evaporated from her mind as she watched him start raking the shards of glass into his hand.

"Don't!" The young woman lunged forward. "Don't pick it up with your bare hands!" Without regard for the apathetic demeanor she was supposed to be portraying, she instinctively grabbed hold of his wrist wrenching the glass out of his hand. Her sudden touch spread through the nerve endings in his system like a wildfire. He turned his head and looked over at her. She lost herself in his eyes for a moment, and then quickly released him, regaining her composure.

"You'll…you'll get cut." She finished slowly.

Still struck by the alien feel of her touch he let the remaining ruins drop from his hand. He couldn't feel the slight tinge of pain that stung his palm nor the slow trickle of the blood as it welled into tiny rivers in the crevices of his skin. No, he was still reveling in the feel of her fingers around his wrist, even though they had been long since removed. How could a dead person feel so warm? He shook the thought from his head quickly.

Rinoa turned away, opening one of the cabinets and taking out a towel and a washcloth. She held the cloth out to him and nodded towards his open palm. "Here…you're bleeding."

Squall glanced at the crimson pool in his hand before taking it from her with his other. He pressed the cloth lightly against the wound. "Sorry," he muttered again with more conviction in his voice. He had been in her presence for a short time, and already he was destroying things because he could not control himself.

"Hey, it's fine." She said dismissing his apology. "This was a bar…so it's not like there's a shortage of glasses." It was a joke intended to ease the situation; however her voice didn't manage to carry the lightheartedness through. She opened another cabinet and began looking through it for bandages and antiseptic. Retrieving the items, she returned to where he was kneeling.

"Just don't want you to hurt yourself," she said softly as she poured some of the disinfectant on a cotton ball. "Is there glass in it?"

He shook his head and removed the washcloth. "I don't think so."

The sorceress began blotting the abrasion with the soaked cotton. For some reason she could not help but cringe at the stinging pain he had to be feeling from the medicine. Yet when she glanced at his face, she saw no expression at all. Her old habits resurfaced, and she felt the overwhelming urge to get him talking, to get him to open up to her.

"You know I used to do this all the time in the Forest Owls. Everyone was always getting bruised, scraped, and cut up. I have no idea how I got stuck with the job. I certainly never applied for it. But for some reason they came to see me as the resident…doctor."

The last word from her lips escaped with difficulty. Her mind began to drift back to the painful reality surrounding her. She had tried hard for the remainder of the morning to forget about the truth of the situation. Of the eight years that had passed between them and his love for another woman. Now with just the mention of that one word all she could think of was Elise and how much better she would be doing at tending to his cut…his _need_. Jealously had never been in her nature, but for some reason, it was becoming increasingly hard to ignore.

Rinoa tore the end of the bandage from the spool with her teeth and began wrapping the adhesive white material around his hand. She tried her best not to make any further contact with him, concentrating on the bandage. When she finished, she quickly got up and moved away from him, wishing for the moment that he would just…get out of her sight. It was hurting too much now to even look at him.

"I'll clean this up, don't worry about it." She said curtly taking the towel and using it to pick up the broken fragments. "You can go relax downstairs. I'll take a shower be down there shortly. Make yourself at home."

She hoped that would be enough to get him moving. She didn't really want to tell him the words that were running through her head. "_Get the hell out of the bathroom_," was a little harsher than what she intended to be at the moment.

Squall nodded and stood taking the hint. He took a final glance at the dressing on his hand and thanked her with a quiet voice. The dark haired girl stepped out of his way, placing the towel full of glass on the countertop. "No problem."

When he stepped across the threshold, the door shut behind him with a hurried force. He winced at the sound and at his own moronic behavior. Why was he having so much trouble trying to form coherent sentences in her presence? He had eight years to practice everything he wanted to say. He had it memorized. And now that she was here in front of him…it all went flying out the fucking window.

Sighing he descended the steps, his mind spinning. The way she looked at him…it was like she couldn't stand to be in his presence. He knew he had done a terrible thing to her…but was all that remained…hatred? God, he needed a drink.

The headmaster stepped into the kitchen and began looking through the cupboards, the refrigerator…the utensil drawers. Nothing. He ran his fingers through his hair in a nervous frustration. Surely there was _something_ here…like she said…it was a damn bar! He suddenly stopped in his frantic search and took a deep breath to calm himself.

_"No Leonhart…the last thing you need to do right now…is drink."_

After convincing himself inwardly of this and quelling the urge inside him, he stepped out of the kitchen. A small flashing red light caught his eye and he turned to see the black answering machine on the end table by the doorway. Suddenly he remembered Quistis, and the slow boiling anger began rising in his mind once again. A digitized two was displayed in the message screen. The blinking "play" button taunted him idly next to it.

Two messages. His anger moved over for curiosity. He knew he shouldn't…it was an invasion of her privacy and truthfully none of his business. Yet…somehow he felt it was…he deserved to know didn't he? He deserved to know why Quistis and whoever the hell else knew about this had kept it from him. Perhaps he might gain more insight on the situation if he just…pressed a button. His ears picked up the sound of water running through the pipes. She was in the shower. It wasn't like she would ever know.

Like so many times before, Squall Leonhart gave into his temptation. Slowly he reached for the button as if sneaking up on an unsuspecting victim, and pressed it.

_"You…have…two…old…messages." _It said mechanically following its statement with a long drawn out beep that echoed through the room.

_"Um…Hi Rin! I know you aren't in Winhill yet, I figure you're probably arriving in Timber about now... I had everything I could think of sent over, and if you need anything please call. Day or night. I um…wanted to let you know, that just in case, we're keeping your apartment ready for you. You will always have a home here. See how I like to hold on to old places don't ya?"_

The voice laughed nervously, and a sudden fumbling sound was heard as the person dropped the phone or something close to that nature. The man retrieved the handset with a few muttered curses and took a moment to compose himself before continuing.

_"Sorry about that…Anyway, it's just that…well, I really miss you. I know everything happened so fast after…that night, and I just never had time to tell you how much I really had grown to care for you. I know it sounds strange under the circumstances, but you are like my daughter and-" _

The empty moments of fumbling did not allow the man to finish his statement before the machine cut him off. It didn't matter, however. Squall had stopped hearing anything after the line _'how much I really had grown to care for you.'_ His breath now came quick and hissed through gritted teeth. He shook with rage, clenching his fists tightly, digging his fingers into his palms. He ignored the pain of his right hand as blood spread through the white cloth surrounding the wound.

Laguna.

Why hadn't he realized this sooner? It explained perfectly why she was living in this place…he had put her here…he was the damn president of Esthar…of course he had to know she was unsealed…he had to initialize it! His mind reeled with anger and hurt as his father's words echoed in his memory upon hearing of his engagement.

_"Is that it?"_

Of all of the people that could and did know about this, somehow this hurt him the most. In that moment he would have preferred finding out that Seifer had taken care of her. After everything the man had put him through, he decided to pull the wool over his own son's eyes…again. A guttural cry threatened to tear out of his throat as he held a hand to his head and paced about the room frantically.

Why would he keep this from him?

Why would he do this to him?

The son-of-a-bitch _owed_ him!

And what the hell did he mean by 'that night'?

Squall's emotions were to the point of exploding. His head throbbed intensely and a thousand knots constricted in his chest. He found he could no longer see, no longer hear, no longer breathe. He had to get out…he needed air. With urgency he ran to the door and grappled the knob before ripping it open rushing through it. The sound of the door slamming behind him echoed loudly through the empty spaces of the old house.


	21. Heart of the Matter

**_Chapter Twenty-One: Heart of the Matter _**

In the background, the distant sound of thunder rolled through the heavens. Yet the ire from the gods was diluted by the thunderous anger raging within the headmaster. How in the hell could he have been taken in by so many lies? All of it, from the very beginning...none of _them_ cared about him. The idea of friendship was just as much as an illusion as the phantoms haunting his dreams. Lies, fucking lies. His own flesh and blood betrayed him with vindictiveness and malice. Never once looking back at the carnage caused in his wake.

Laguna's voice echoed through his thoughts, _"Is that it?"_ Who the hell did the man think he was? He tells him that he is getting married, and at the other end, _his father_ laughs at the mockery. Was Rinoa there? Were they sitting down to some 'family' dinner where they discussed his engagement over dinner rolls? Did Laguna find some morose pleasure in making Rinoa the daughter...no, screw that..._the child_ that he never had? Squall Leonhart was not the son of _that man_. As of today, he officially disowned him - erasing him from any future part of his life. Squall was once again an orphan, and he couldn't have been more pleased.

His mind hissed like a venomous snake as he recalled Quistis' utterance of _'damn.'_ Another 'friend' who betrayed him, one who shared the same sadistic pleasure in his torment. She knew, damn it, and she was there! She saw Rinoa's final moments; she knew how it affected him. The woman once claimed to know him, to be an expert observer of his character. But she saw nothing...nothing of him at all. Because if she had, she could not have turned on him. The two deceiving voices played like a worn-out record in a lethal melody.

The riled man kicked a rock from his path, sending it flying into nearby townhouse. The impact ricocheted off its side, causing a small clump of stucco to fall to the ground. The chipping paint and sand gave him a macabre idea. The two-story Tudor had a large picture window adorning its front. It would be so easy to break the large window with a single blow. To see the glass shatter into a thousand pieces and let each one impale his skin like the drinking glass had done. To let the blood flow freely and end this wretched existence that he had carved.

It was supposed to get better when she was alive... why, why wasn't it?

The cobblestone street changed to wooden planks as he crossed over a bridge. A large stream flowed through the village, before merging into a lake at the edge of town. He would have stopped to enjoy the beauty, if he could have seen past his own ugliness. The rage boiled and kicking an oversized pebble did not quell his anger.

The headmaster needed to strike out; the nearest object was the railing of the bridge. Without thought, he slammed his already injured hand into the wooden barrier. The whole guardrail shook from the tremendous impact. He looked down to his wound, the blood flowing freely from its source. The bandage was slowly staining a morbid hue, yet it did not hurt, the wound did not sting. It was never the _physical_ pain that hurt. He had learned to deal with that long ago.

His steps grew weaker and more unsure as he continued down the path. Her eyes haunted his mind. It was like watching two separate pictures being exposed on one negative. The set of first eyes - the ones he had seen that night as they danced beneath the stars. The ones that reflected under the soft moonlight at Fisherman's Horizon. The second set of eyes - the ones he saw in the bathroom, ones full of indifference and apathy. Emotions no longer reflected in her eyes, rather they seemed embedded in her normal persona... Ones that were a doppelganger of his younger self, before he let her in his solitary world.

It was like he was watching himself detached from his own body. His spirit a mere actor; his body just a costume in a gruesome play. He felt that some demented puppeteer from beyond this realm controlled every action. From his birth - to this moment – every goddamned step manipulated by invisible strings. It almost made him want to laugh. That was all he had left in him, a sick sense of humor about his entire existence.

It became too much. That primal urge that he had subdued earlier, came back with merciless force. It was a moment of needed release as he yelled in absolute fury. It was a scream that had been years in the making, manifesting itself upon the small, unknowing village.

The cry echoed sharply throughout the town, only being magnified by the water's resonance. In the past, he was never one to draw attention to himself, but right now, he could have cared less. Nearby children playing a game of 'shadow tag' ran quickly into their homes in fear. Young eyes had looked upon him as if he was some hideous two-headed monster tearing flesh with its talons. Maybe he was.

Squall grabbed the sides of his head and fell helplessly onto his knees. The dust clouded as he met the ground. His head felt as if it would implode in pain...but at least he could_ feel_ something. Strangely, the outburst had waned a little of his tension, but that wasn't saying much.

He couldn't lose his last grasp on sanity now. He had to regain some facade of stability, before the chains grew tighter, constricting with all the strength of a python, and crushing his windpipe with lethal force. For so long he felt as if he'd been shackled to his illusions. Now they were no longer unseen manacles, they were his reality. He was going to have to face them even if it killed him. At this rate...they just might.

Picking himself off of the ground, he vowed to make it through this for her... even if she wanted nothing to do with him after today. Rinoa deserved so much more than he could ever offer. It sickened him to think that she had once told him that she loved him... Maybe she was just as delusional in that second as he was now.

The path continued passed houses and small retail stores. He relentlessly walked as if his life depended on each step. The flower shop...the place that started this whole surreal encounter. Renee...the old woman had called her _Renee_. Obviously, she was trying to start over in some futile attempt at normalcy. She could never be normal; he stole that from her years ago.

It was then he saw it, just past the flower shop. A small tavern connected to the inn where he was supposed to be staying. His eyes fixated on the wooden carving of ale foaming over the ridges. That wouldn't help, he needed something much stronger than aged barley could provide. It was a damned bar and they had to keep stronger liquor stored somewhere in the building.

_"No, not this time... Don't let her see what a drunken mess you have become."_

"You know, that won't solve anything." A voice lectured from behind him.

He turned, breaking from the ethical battle waging in his mind. It took everything he had not to lash out at the old woman who was openly judging him. It was after all, not her fault that he found himself facing this moral quandary. However, it was her fault for reading his intentions like an open book. Was he really that transparent?

"Thank you Mrs. McCay," he barked through gritted teeth. "I'll remember that in my future."

_"Wark! Wark!"_

A horrible shrill pierced his ears, as another party member made his presence known. Tail feathers fanned in dominance and the bird's claws tore through the gravel sheeting the road.

"Now Lucky, I'm sure the man didn't mean to sound so – ungrateful. It's just these city folk aren't used to our way of life." She scratched the feathers on the bird's neck, and he seemed to calm a notch. "Now, I'm sure Mr. Leonhart here is taking good of Renee. I'm also sure he wouldn't do anything to upset her. So don't worry your handsome feathers over it precious."

"If you want to address me, please speak to _me_ and not the damn Chocobo."

Maybe it was the tone, or the bird felt threatened, but it voiced its displeasure aggressively. Turning around and kicking its feet just as it had done just seconds before. Only this time with much more force, causing small pebbles and dirt to shower on the headmaster like rain. It was the final straw; the Chocobo had some kind of death wish. Instinctively Squall lunged forward toward the bird's backside, only to have his advances blocked by Maude. For someone so frail looking, she could sure pack quite a blow. Lucky turned ready to charge at the man with full force. Only the bird wasn't stupid... Even in the animal kingdom, the look of raw anger could quickly make a predator back from its intended prey.

"Okay, okay...neutral corners you two. Geesh, you're worse than the lady's club on Canasta night. Maybe we can work this little misunderstanding out over a meal. You two young'uns are welcome to my place for dinner."

"I think I'll have to pass unless you're serving fried_ Chocobo legs_." The man hissed looking at the large yellow bird.

"Don't listen to him Lucky. He's just upset because we're not serving _butt steak_."

In some moment of clarity, the realization that he'd just attacked a large bird for no other reason than 'it looked at me funny' sank in. Not to mention the humiliating fact that he was stopped by someone who probably remembered the Jurassic Era firsthand. As of right now, Maude McCay's only faults were trying to stop him from making a huge mistake concerning a drink...and worrying about the well-being of Rinoa, something that had clearly slipped from his grasp hours ago.

"I'm sorry," he offered trying to do the commendable thing. "It's just been a long morning. I don't see it getting better any time soon."

"Well, I'm not the one you should be apologizing to." She spoke with much conviction.

"I can't apologize to a bird."

"No, I don't suppose you can...but I wasn't talking about Lucky either."

Okay, did this woman have a death wish along with her Chocobo? This was his battle. To have some stranger interfering with his personal life went well above his tolerance level.

"Mrs. McCay, again I thank you for your advice, but I'm a _big boy_," he sarcastically replied. If she pushed him any further, he would not be accountable for his actions.

"Look..." She sighed, changing her demeanor slightly. "I'm sorry. I think we got off on the wrong foot. Really have nothing against you young man. I'm just worried about Renee. She's such a sweetheart and I would hate for her to get hurt."

_"Me too,"_ he softly admitted, swallowing hard.

"She helped an old woman and her stubborn Chocobo out. Without her, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on with the bank. She's like a guardian angel."

Maude had not known the young woman long, but she knew a good heart. Her secrets masked behind the veneer of illusion. Deep inside, the older woman could sense her struggle, her bruised and battered spirit manifesting when she thought nobody was watching. The silent tears she tried to conceal while helping at the flower shop. The way she would look into the stars searching for something greater than Winhill could ever offer.

"You know, I've never seen her so worried until she saw you knocked out flatter than a pancake. I thought the poor girl was going to have a breakdown for a moment. For some 'old friend' you two must have quite the history. I remember how it is to be young and feeling that way. Well, not to say I don't feel that way when I see Mr. Finnegan, but come on...sadly the mind isn't always the _first_ thing to go," she added with a wink and wry smile.

He pushed that last comment out his mind. It already felt like he had an eighteen-wheel truck careening through his head. Now he felt like he had just been run over by it...over and over and over...although something did make it past the grotesque mental image flashing through his mind. Rinoa had showed emotion past the indifference. Was it only a momentary lapse of judgment? Maybe this woman saw something reflected in her eyes that he had missed. Then again, Rinoa could barely stand to look at him.

"She was a friend, nothing more." He wasn't sure why he was defending his relationship with Rinoa. Was it for Maude to hear or for himself to believe?

"Well, that's none of my business."

_"Finally,"_ he added under his breath.

"Speaking of business..." The woman paused. Digging into her smock, she pulled out the headmaster's cell phone. "Your doctor called earlier, sounded kind of concerned. Hope everything is all right. Lucky heard your phone ringing in the field this morning. Poor little guy thought the sky was falling. We were just on the way down to return it... Must be fate that we ran into each other."

_"No, fate would be if the sky would actually be falling on the damn Chocobo." _

Taking the phone from Maude's hand, his reality came crashing down. The small mechanical device signified the world he wanted to shut out. The only thing standing between him and the life he had forged in Trabia. _Elise._ Of course she was worried. He never showed up at the inn, and as usually, he left her completely in the dark. How simple it would be to fall back into her for support. To have her embrace him from his demons, to offer hope that he would irrefutably cling to – no matter the emptiness swelling inside. Elise deserved better. Hell, _both_ women deserved better than being trapped in his self-inflicted prison - steal bars forged from failures and hatred.

"Anyways, I've gotta get back young man. There's a storm rolling in this way, and you know how that can play havoc with the ol' rheumatism. Don't be afraid to show your face around here again, handsome. We can always use something more thrilling to look at than Mr. Alandale's wooden denture collection. And since you're too pig-headed to accept dinner with a very hospitable and_ extremely sexy_ host, I'll drop some soup by the house tonight." She turned to her feathered companion. "Now play nice with the gentleman and say goodbye."

_"Kweh. Kweh." _

If Chocobos could 'squint' their eyes, this one was doing just that. This large over-priced menu item was getting on the headmaster's last nerve, despite the civil attempts by its owner. Plus he was positive that the literal translation of the bird's response was something not appropriate to repeat in mixed company. He turned away, before he'd do something that he would regret. Having the Commander of Trabia Garden arrested for murdering a Chocobo wouldn't help anything right now. Although, it might solidify his insanity plea.

* * *

The rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled the air. Elise emptied the contents of the second sugar packet into the mug. Stirring halfheartedly, she couldn't tear her eyes from the manuscript she held firmly in hand. It was controlling, pulling her like the irresistible force.

And she was _no_ immovable object.

The words were fascinating, yet unnerving. She already knew part of their legend - the horrific battle that the five teenagers faced and the nothingness surrounding the world of compressed time. But then again, she could only read what they had allowed her to read. Garden closely guarded their secrets. That is what made them elite, they were the best for a reason.

During her employment, she'd never questioned their system. She never asked Squall anything that didn't concern her on a medical level; she never asked him about Time Compression or the events leading up to it. She knew what she needed to perform her job and what little he had told her in his sessions or in their bed. What she learned of Rinoa was from the others, from his friends and the people who knew her. Squall guarded his and Rinoa's relationship as closely, if not closer, than any Garden secret.

The abridged version was there in black and white, but it was the blank spaces, _more like pages_, in between that she needed to understand. The answers were somewhere on the tape, if she could just learn to decipher the code.

That is what brought her to this point. Countless books were scattered on her desk, and several more were stacked in a small pile on the floor. Historical accounts, textbooks, magazines, and even newspaper articles she'd pulled from microfiche cluttered her office. The library was full of data, if one knew how to look for it. The only problem was she really didn't know _what _she was looking for. Whatever it was…it started with Rinoa, this much she understood.

The information strangely started to fascinate her. The phenomenon of a sorceress had happened in past years, but she had heard of only a select few. Elise was, by all accounts, a scientist. Being of scientific mind, she didn't believe in relying on magic and its attributes for healing. Magic was not always reliable, nor readily available, to the general populous. Garden was another matter. It guarded its magic as well as its secrets.

They had taught Elise. Taught her how to use the Guardians, how to use the healing spells. They had taught her how to heal a seven-year-old so that tomorrow he could go out and learn to kill. To kill the _right_ way, so that her peers from medical school wouldn't even have the opportunity to save their victim's life.

Maybe that is why they feared a sorceress so much; it was a magical force that Garden couldn't control. They didn't like things they couldn't control. That is why she believed in her heart that Squall was still a headmaster, because in all honesty, they could control him. Whether they knew it or not, the faceless board members had controlled his actions since the day they sealed Rinoa's fate. What compassion Garden may have once had, diminished when Cid relinquished majority control. But she bet it was also that empathy which allowed her to hear that tape. Cid wanted her to know, even if he couldn't divulge that openly. Elise believed the compassion didn't stem from his role as founder of the Garden System, but the fact that his wife had once been a sorceress. It could have as easily been Edea entombed in that frozen nightmare.

Sighing, she placed the book down and reached for her coffee. With her free hand, she grabbed a transcription of the classified session tape. It was one of the first, and hardest, things Elise had done in preparation. She was anxiously trying to find a base point for her research. Her eyes focused on the words as she took a sip of coffee. Upon reaching the document's end, something stood out in print, which didn't seem that significant on the tape. Then again, on the tape all she could focus on was the desperation in his voice.

_"No, he seemed to be reliving it. I know he claims it was only a dream, but the way he described it made me wonder…"_

"_What? Are you serious? How can… she can do that?"_

"How can she do that?" mouthed Elise silently.

Who? Rinoa? How could Rinoa do what? But from Dr. Steven's surprise, what ever 'it' was…she _did_ it. What could a sorceress do, and _when_ could she do it? The dream, it had to be the dream. Could she send him the nightmares? Was it some telepathic hold separating him from his sanity? Maybe it was her way of keeping a mental grasp over him, even in death. But could a sorceress do that to one's mind? Maybe that was what she needed to focus on, not what magic Rinoa could perform, but what telepathic, delusional messages she could send to him during sleep. From her understanding, Ellone had that physic ability, would it be so inconceivable that Rinoa could do something similar?

And if that were true… It really was Rinoa keeping him from moving forward.

* * *

The house within in sight, but he just couldn't take those final steps. Approaching the bridge, he found himself unconsciously stopping at its foot. Not to take in the surroundings, not even to slam his fist into, he was just too afraid to take those last steps. It sickened him. _He sickened him._ His thoughts were transported back to the Sorceress Memorial and his emotional weakness. He again was a teenager sitting on the steps, afraid to go see her...to see the life he ended. At least back then, he had those final three words she managed before her final breath. Now her last words were nothing short of 'get the hell away from me.'

He had been in this spot before, not as himself, but as a passenger in another's vessel. It was like some cruel déjà vu. Laguna Loire also had stood on this bridge facing a crossroad in his life. Squall saw how well that decision turned out. Was this town some kind of curse? What was he supposed to do? Run from this place as his 'father' had done, never looking back? It was a malicious irony, knowing that he was doomed to repeat the same mistakes. Only Raine _wanted_ Laguna by her side, Rinoa wanted him left on the Island Closest to Hell.

The young man closed his eyes as he silently weighed his options. To run, to forget this had ever happened, to go on living the lie he had barely been able to keep aloft. Or to go back and face her, have his still beating heart ripped from his chest. There was no real choice; he knew that... it didn't matter if she loathed him. It was his fault and he deserved every ounce of pain...at least from her.

His so-called friends and family were a completely different matter.

He had always felt like a mouse trapped in a maze. When he was a teen, it was the fragments of clues sent to him by his adopted sister, all just pieces to something beyond his grasp. It would have been so easy to tell him the truth, but again, the same people who claimed to care, only used him to view the past. Without warning, without permission, stealing his very mind for their own selfish needs. In eight years, nothing had changed. Laguna, Quistis, and God knows who else, most likely an entire list of people laughing at his naivety. And as hard it was to admit, Rinoa was now a party to that deception. He was still that mouse trapped in the maze, and again, the truth was dangled in the air like cheese - always out of reach. It wasn't his mind they were stealing this time, but his sanity.

Squall looked at the cell phone in his hand. This was his last remaining link to end this before it ever really began. He could run and hide from this, get the comfort he always got from Elise when it came to the demons inside of him. She would hold him until he gave in to the illusion that they were gone. Only this time the demon was a resurrected angel who stood before him with empty eyes. The one thing he had been running towards all this time, he was now considering running away from. He couldn't do it, and he damn well knew it.

This would hurt her deeply, and he was sure she was worried. "I'm sorry." He muttered audibly as if she could hear him. Perhaps he could call her after this was all over, if there was anything left in him at all. She would understand or she wouldn't. He truly never wanted to hurt her. But Squall Leonhart single handedly ruined everything he touched. And if she didn't know that by now, then she was living in her own illusion. With one last glance he pressed the power button on the phone, turning it off and sealing fates. He steeled his frayed soul and he didn't look back as he began his trek back through the point of no return.

* * *

Rinoa slipped her shaking arms through the sleeves of the t-shirt, pulling it over her head. She absolutely hated getting out of the shower. It took her body forever to warm up. The damp strands of hair that hung around her neck caused chills to course over the length of her shoulders and meander down her back. The grey material clung to her body as tried to brush the creases out of the garment. Weeks in boxes and suitcases had given some of her clothes permanent wrinkles…and she didn't know the first thing about ironing. After cursing herself momentarily for never taking home economic classes and giving up on the hopeless cause, she tucked the shirt into her dark denim jeans. She started to walk to the dresser to fish a sweater from one of the drawers when something caught her eye.

Aligned on the nightstand were a set of six small pill bottles. Obviously they were not hers…she'd finished her medications months ago. _"What was he doing with all of those prescriptions?" _The sorceress wondered quietly to herself, while curiosity led her in their direction. Her reason argued with her and demanded her to stop. She had no business rummaging through Squall's belongings. It wasn't her problem. Yet an undeniable concern compelled her forward. She could deduce that this wasn't some sort of daily vitamin regimen. What if…what if he was sick? Slowly she took hold of one of the smooth containers, rolling it in her hand. The pills jostled noisily as she tried to find the name on the label.

A sudden slam from downstairs quickly turned her thoughts elsewhere. It was unmistakably the sound of the door shutting forcefully. Panic suddenly filled her mind as she dropped the bottle onto the nightstand, grabbed a sweater from the chest of drawers and fled the room. He wouldn't just leave would he? Hyne that was the last thing she wanted.

_"You wanted him out of your sight."_ Her mind chided. _"Wish granted."_

No. Not like this. Deep down she _never_ wanted to hurt him, regardless of the pain his words inflicted. She had to stop him. She couldn't let things be left like this. The young woman descended the steps in an almost flat out run, ignoring the chills that wracked her body. She stopped on the last step as she saw him standing in the living room staring at her with intense eyes. They were hard and penetrating; she found it difficult to meet his gaze directly. The silence overwhelmed the room for a few fleeting but extensive moments until she found her voice to speak.

"I…I thought you left."

Squall's gaze never faltered. "Is that what you want?"

_"No."_ Her heart pleaded.

Rinoa refused to answer that question verbally however. She refused to be weak in front of him now. She had to be strong. She had to prove to him that she didn't need him…had to prove it to herself. Even though there wasn't a day that went by when she didn't think of him…not a night that passed when she didn't cry herself to sleep. No, Rinoa Heartilly did not need him. Never mind the fact that all she wanted to do at that moment was run into his arms and _thank_ him for not leaving. He wasn't her life, she had her own. At least…she was trying to make one for herself.

The girl suddenly noticed the bandage on his hand, the white fabric being swallowed up by a bright red stain. She didn't think he had been cut that deep. It seemed like a whole lot of blood…it worried her.

"Did…you hurt your hand again? I can get you some fresh bandages." She followed her statement with step back up the stairway.

"No!" He said. His voice was harsh and almost shrill. "I want you to answer my question!"

She was taken aback by his sudden outburst, but she refused to let him bully her into a corner. "Squall I…"

"Just answer me damn it!" He demanded with a violent wave of his arm. "Do you want me to leave?"

"What does it matter?" She shot back at the same increasing volume. His eyes were so cold and hateful…she just wanted to run. "You'll do it sooner or later…whether I want you to or not." She muttered almost inaudibly.

"What?"

"I said it doesn't matter Squall! You're free to do what you want!" Tears stung her eyes. Her inward battle with composure was on the retreat.

Squall groaned in frustration clutching his head with his hand once more. His composure was already long dead, stretched and rotting in the sun on his battlefield. She was just walking circles around his feelings…almost mockingly. Fine. If she wouldn't give him that answer, he would ask a question with a more straightforward answer she couldn't dance around.

"Who knows Rinoa?"

"I can't tell you what to do, you're big enough to make your own decisions…you're the only one who knows what's best for you..."

"No." He cut her off. "Who _knows_?

She was unable to suppress the shudder that coursed through her body, and it wasn't entirely from the cold. Rinoa knew this question would come…but that never made her anymore prepared for it. The last thing she wanted was to have any anger pointed at her two closest friends. She wanted every bit of his frustration pointed at her. It was her decision, all they were responsible for was abiding by her wishes. They did not deserve to be brought into this. They did nothing with malice for him. However, she knew enough of Squall to know that he would not take it that way. She could also see by the look in his eyes that he already knew who they were.

"Seems to me you have a pretty good idea already." She responded coolly, trying to fall back into her façade.

"I want to hear it from you." He replied with somewhat less intensity. There was almost a pleading undertone to his voice.

She sighed and closed her eyes, lowering her head in silence for a moment. Perhaps contemplating her next words, perhaps praying for her friends' forgiveness at what she was about to do.

"Quistis…and Laguna."

Squall tried to quell his seething anger at the sound of their names. "And?"

"And…that's all." She said defensively…why would he think she would lie to him? Okay, granted that was a dumb thought that just passed through her mind, but he was here standing face to face with her, and she would not lie to him now.

"Don't lie to me!" He yelled. "For the love of Hyne I can't take any more of them!" The pain in his head teetered on nuclear meltdown.

"I'm not!" Rinoa wiped at her face furiously trying to prevent the tears that inched ever closer to spilling from her eyes. "Anyway what exactly were _you_ doing while I was up there? Nosing around through my personal things? You think now you're here you can just come in here like you own the place so you can get the low down on your former client?"

There was that word again. _Client_. What the hell was she talking about? "Rinoa wha–"

"Did you talk to them?" A sudden horrid thought crossed her mind. "Did one of them call? What did you say? So help me Squall if you said anything to hurt them I'll…" Her voice began an unending crescendo.

Every word seemed to drill in his skull…it was like teeth grinding on metal…he couldn't take it. "I heard them on your answering machine!" He interrupted her, silently pleading that her voice could not get any louder. The pain was so immense. "I heard you play Quistis' message…I wanted to confirm it. Because seeing as how so much has been kept from me I doubt that I would _ever_ get a straight answer from you now!"

Anger spread across her features. "You know, when I said make yourself at home I didn't mean help yourself to my privacy. It's one of those courtesy things you're supposed to say…not necessarily meant to be taken literally. But taking things literally is what you do best isn't it?"

The words dripped like acid from her tongue. She wanted to say more, but she knew she couldn't be entirely angry with him for the invasion of privacy…she had every intention earlier of looking at his medicine bottles before the door slammed and interrupted her. God, but this man had some nerve. In her anger she ignored the rising tremor that coursed through her body as it pleaded for more warmth.

"As for who knows about me, neither of them had a choice in the matter. Laguna had to authorize my unsealing and Quistis was in charge of my finances, if you want to look at it in that cold calculating manner of yours. The truth is that they didn't want to see me get hur­­­‑," She stopped herself suddenly. No way in hell was she going to allow him to see her feelings for him. "They didn't want to make your life miserable. They left that choice up to me, and as it turns out, neither did I. I wanted you to live your life happy; not having to worry about an unthawed sorceress…though I guess that_ is_ your job."

The sorceress breathed deeply. This was the last thing she wanted to do. Her heart thudded with agony inside her chest. She didn't want to hurt him…she didn't want to say these things and see the pain in his eyes. She saw it, though she wasn't sure entirely why it was there at all. Perhaps the yelling made his head hurt…maybe he just wanted to go home. Well she certainly wasn't holding him here. Rinoa knew she couldn't back down; she couldn't just roll over while he proceeded to rip her soul apart piece by piece. Deep down there was a primal urge that fought to live. Still, she felt horribly guilty for the next words that came out of her mouth.

"Maybe I just wanted a head start at a new life before the world beat a lynch mob to my door step. Either way Squall Leonhart, this is _my_ life, it has _nothing_ to do with you, and I don't owe you straight answers, I don't owe you a goddamn thing!"

_"The hell you don't,"_ he responded inwardly. _"What about all those years of therapy? The ten percent taken out of my check every month that went to the memorial research? The leap of faith I took to get that damn dog program to go through at Galbadia? How about those nightmares that haunt me when I'm asleep…when I'm awake? You owe me because your face is burned onto my corneas so all that I ever see is you! You owe me for these scars on my back, you owe me for my addictions! You owe me because in a few days there is going to be a trial and I'm going to lose my job because my delusions put people in harm's way!"_

These words might have found there way passed his lips if he had not grabbed hold of his anger and realized what he was saying.

_"**My** addictions". _

_"**My **delusions."_

He was blaming her for his mistakes, his faults. The money didn't mean a damn thing, it was the only thing was able to do to help free her from the prison he himself had trapped her in. He should have been putting all of his paycheck in it. He owed _her_ more than anything, a debt he could never pay in a thousand years. And she was right. She owed him nothing. But it pained him to hear it from her like he had come to collect some sort of gambling debt.

"You're right…," he said finally, a little less anger in his voice. "You don't owe me."

She stood there shivering, somewhat taken back by his response. The young woman had mentally prepared herself to fire back at his anger. The last thing she expected was for him to actually agree with her. It had been like closing your eyes as you waited for a fist to strike your face only to be dealt a blow with a down filled pillow. At that moment the words totally escaped her. Her hands fidgeted nervously with the sweater. She looked down, finally seeming to notice it. Rinoa proceeded to busy herself with putting on the garment in an attempt to stop the shaking that she had barely noticed.

He watched her through stone eyes that masked an unhealthy amount of guilt. She had no response to his statement…because there wasn't one to give. It was just the honest truth. What had he ever given her in the first place? Nothing. He had only taken. He had taken her life, he had taken her happiness. Apparently the only things he had ever _given_ her were intolerance to cold, and an old silver r–"

Squall's attention suddenly turned to the chain she always wore. Apparently it was now being kept hidden underneath her thick sweaters. She had her arms lifted above her head as she pushed her hands through the sleeves. The chain glimmered against the dark t-shirt along with two rings, her mothers…and a different one.

His ring…was no longer around her neck.


	22. Calling the Wind

**_Chapter Twenty-Two: Calling the Wind _**

For every hero there is a villain, for every lie there was a truth, and for every point of view, there is always another. Elise felt as if she was running in circles. One book would state something as fact, while another completely refuted it with evidence. Scholars, teachers, and even accounts by sorceresses themselves all contradicting one another. Maybe that is why their existence was feared by many - the truth lied somewhere between fact and fiction. And now, _she_ was supposed to understand this enigma, when generations before had failed?

She was a doctor, not a historian, but somehow she truly believed that history itself held the key. If there were a way to save Squall from his dementia, she would move heaven and hell. This was the reality with the life she chose, the person she had allowed herself to become. Hours she had remained in the infirmary, telling her assistant to hold all calls.

Except for one – the one that hadn't come.

In the last five hours, she had gathered all she could related to psychic connections and the truth surrounding the Ultimecia conflict. She had everything that she could find written in documentation - from textbooks to searches on the internet. She came to one conclusion: the answer she was seeking would not be found in these books.

Then it hit her, maybe some of the answers wouldn't come from Garden, but from the sources that opposed its existence. Galbadia had a long-standing rivalry with the system, and their press was one not to dismiss such deep-rooted feelings so easily. She quickly turned to the keyboard, going back on some achieved records of Galbadian media. She ran a search corresponding to the approximate dates in question.

Finally, she clicked on an article reported by a now defunct publication. It was considered too political after the events, and was shut down due to public pressure. She skimmed an editorial piece, noting much of the similarities between this and the official accounts. A few selective adjectives giving the meaning a completely different spin.

_"Early reports stated that four teenagers were found on the shores of the Centra coast. The fifth was located in a nearby wildflower field twenty-four hours later. Garden sources then refuted their earlier statement, saying all five were located simultaneously. When directly asked about the difference, founder Cid Kramer had 'no comment'. As usual, the public is taking Garden's word verbatim, never searching for the facts themselves." _

_"It appears to this reporter that Garden is once again covering for their inept ability to handle the situation. While the world may look at these children as heroes, it is only by the fault of Garden alone this situation was allowed to arise. These five teenagers should not have been put into this situation in the first place. It is only by the costly errors of SeeD that Ultimecia was allowed to prosper in her time. We should not be celebrating these 'heroes' but examining the vast military force behind their 'innocent' faces."_

"Oh my God...the interview." Elise softly spoke to no one in particular. She remembered Squall's evasiveness at that question about being found a day later. At the time of the interview, she thought it strange. So much had happened between now and then, she hadn't thought about it again.

_"Some of the first reports stated that you didn't return from Time Compression with the others. That it was almost a twenty-four hour period before they found you. Can you tell us what happened in that period?"_

_"No."_

It _was_ true. Squall's short direct answer was his way of covering up the truth. For some reason the fact that he was found later on was something that they had tried to cover. Or something that he, himself, had tried to forget.

A thousand theories spread through her mind like wildfire. Chiding herself on her suspicions, she looked at her wristwatch. Every minute that ticked into oblivion, seemed to shred her spirit a little more. The _woman_ who she talked with earlier said that Squall had been injured. Elise tried not to worry, but her profession left little comfort in the uncertainty. It was just so frustrating trying to ask 'Chocobo Lady' questions that were never answered. Nobody could be that indirect, given the situation...could they be? It was like she would answer every question with another question, or change the subject... almost a textbook case of avoidance.

Avoidance? Now her paranoia was starting to seep through even the most innocent of situations. Why in the world would Ms. McCay try to avoid her questions? It was a ridiculous thought. Of course, Squall was fine. He was just resting for the time being.

_"Where is he?"_

_"Oh we carted him away."_

Maude didn't say a specific until later, when Elise started to lose her composure with the stranger.

_"He is fine, he is recovering at my partner's house."_

Still the whole conversation felt a little surreal. Maybe Maude's partner was a sixty-year-old crazed woman holding him captive like some horror movie. Maybe they would discover the mutilated body of her fiancée with Chocobo scratches disfiguring his body. Elise had to grab hold of her faculties; she was starting to sound more like one of Zell's infamous hotdog conspiracy theories.

Then a thought dawned upon her, the realization a welcome epiphany... Zell Dincht was the only one to leave Garden. The other 'saviors' had all remained within the Garden program, and even Cid and Edea were bound by ongoing responsibility. While still obliged by loyalty to SeeD, Zell's loyalty to his former commander might outweigh the latter.

She moved over to her computer, opening up her address book, and searching for his phone number. In all her years with Squall, this was the first time she felt she was betraying his trust. Not only as a doctor, but more importantly as his fiancée. There was a deeper bond that went far beyond that of patient and doctor. With one solitary act, she was risking everything she held dear. But if she didn't, the results may far outweigh momentary guilt. Taking a deep breath, she stared at the phone, contemplating her decision one last time.

The speakerphone buzzed and the young woman could feel her heart jump into her throat. She placed a hand on her chest, convincing herself that she was becoming just as paranoid as Squall.

_"Dr. Vandermere?"_

"Yes?"

_"I know you don't want to be bothered, but we have a slight...emergency. Annette Rachaels was injured returning from the cadet retreat. She's going to require a few stitches."_

Elise closed her eyes...maybe this was some God-given sign that she was about to make the biggest mistake ever. She might have not been a religious person, but she did believe in fate. Sometimes the signs were too large that one couldn't ignore.

"Send her on back."

She rubbed her thumb and forefinger against her temple, trying to ease the pain. But it was something that wouldn't subside, a blinding pain centering between her eyes. Somehow, it felt like her entire sanity crumbling to ruins, and she was helpless to stop it.

Her soft and gentle fingers wiped away all traces of dirt and blood. Hands that had never seen battle or worked under labored circumstances, instead they had treated many an illness and saved many a life. Elise smiled at the girl, while preparing to stitch her wound.

The little girl's eyes darted nervously around the room, trying to avoid looking at the needle about to enter her arm. She noticed the books stacked on Dr. Vandermere's desk and decided to ask the woman. If no other reason than to break the silence.

"Is there another sorceress?"

"What? No..." Elise answered in confusion as she started to stitch the wound. The girl tensed as the needle entered her arm. Even with the local anesthetic she could feel the pressure. "Relax hun... Tell me Annette, why do you ask about a sorceress?"

"I saw on your desk Dr. Vandermere; you had stuff all about them."

She chuckled trying to cover. "Oh don't worry I'm just doing some research. There isn't one around anymore, so don't be scared."

"I'm not." The child said almost too calmly.

"You're not? Why is that, because you know you're safe at Garden?"

"Garden doesn't matter. I like them. They're not all scary."

"And why do you say that?" She finished the last stitch cutting the thread, looking at the child with an odd curiosity. Most of the students here were either afraid, or overly confident in their ability to single-handily annihilate a sorceress with a solitary blow. She couldn't recall a junior ever 'liking them.'

"My mother," she said softly.

"Your mother was a sorceress?"

"No…but when she was alive, she used to read my sister and me books. My favorite was about a sorceress."

"They make children stories about sorceresses?" Elise was mystified at the thought.

"They _did_." Annette nodded softly, trying to keep her mind off of the pain in her arm. "I have one."

"So what was this book?" Elise asked, trying to keep the youngster talking as she scribbled her signature on her medical records. The doctor was only really half interested in the little girl's words now, as she stopped believing in fairytales a very long time ago.

_"Calling the Wind."_

"Sounds ominous." The doctor looked up, placing the clipboard and pen to the side. "Now can I clean that other scrape on your leg?" Annette nodded hesitantly as she lay down on the examining table.

"It's not om-mini-us," the young girl stuttered. "The sorceress is good and saves her knight."

_"File that one right under fiction," _thought Elise, not wanting to upset the child. Gently the doctor blotted cotton over the little girl's wound, and she winced as the alcohol met with the open abrasion. Elise tried to keep the cadet's mind focused off the momentary pain. "So how does the sorceress save her knight?"

"She saves him with her bond."

"Bond?"

"Yeah, bond… you know um… like they are tied together."

Elise almost dropped the cotton ball, looking at the young girl. "You mean like a connection… a psychic connection?"

"Ah… yeah, I think so."

Sometimes the answers are found in the simplest of forms, for Elise they would be found in the place she least expected. From a child who knew nothing of the situation, only knew of the words of an old fairytale. It wasn't from the scholars, or scientists, nor the teachers, but the ones that the sorceress' were sealed to protect – the future.

The doctor held onto the examining table for support, unsure of her own ability to stand. "Annette...can you tell me anything about this book? Please...?"

The little girl seemed slightly confused, but was glad that an adult was finding interest in her words. It was rare that anybody paid attention to her, so she smiled brightly as she recalled the story that her mother used to read them.

"The knight went off to war to defend the sorceress' kingdom and he's shot in battle. There was a really, really bad man that left him to die and the other soldiers can't find him."

"But how does she save him?"

"She talks to him. Because she loves him more than anything in this world, she can go to him in her mind. She finds out where he is...so the others can save him."

"A knight you said?"

"Yeah you know, _a knight._ Every sorceress has to have one."

"They do?"

"Yeah it's in the book."

"Wait, wait… but from what we learned Adel and Ultimecia didn't have a knight."

"I dunno. I just know what is in my book."

_"Four teenagers were found on the shores of the Centra coast. The fifth was located in a nearby wildflower field twenty-four hours later."_

_"She saves me only in **one** dream."_

_"All I can see are flowers. So many damn flowers. I'm choking on them; the smell is too strong. I can't… I can't breathe…"_

"Oh my god, she saved him." Elise hadn't realized she spoke aloud, backing her self into a nearby chair. She clasped her hands over her face, breathing heavily as the realization dawned on her. "She…saved…him."

"Yeah," the little girl answered confused at the elder's concern over the story. "Um, it's okay really…it's not scary. And the knight lives...the bullet wound wasn't that bad. They get married and live happily ever after..." Now Annette was trying to reassure the doctor, even though she didn't know why.

"Rinoa isn't sending him the nightmares…Squall's reliving them. She was there. They knew! They _knew_ damn it!" She hadn't meant to curse in front of the child, but the revelation was something she hadn't expected. In her mind Rinoa was the evil one, she was keeping him from life…now she just found out that she wasn't 'keeping him from it,' she gave him the gift of life. Even in her cryogenic state, she was doing more than Elise ever could. She fucking saved him from Time Compression.

If what she believed was true... if Rinoa and Squall had a connection that went beyond all time and space... if almost eight years ago, in a six month period, two souls made a connection that would defy all human logic...

Rinoa Heartilly saved _her knight_.

* * *

Squall stared in disbelief. But he _gave_ that ring to her…well…he allowed her to take from him…along with his heart. Did she toss it away like yesterday's garbage? How could she do that? It was a gift…so to speak. He told her to keep it that day in the desert. And he meant that. He meant for her to keep it forever…no matter what happened, no matter what passed between them. It was the only possession he had coming to the orphanage, the _only_ link to his past. He gave that up for her. Didn't she understand the significance? He remembered her clutching it so tightly behind the glass. But it was nothing…he convinced himself that he was nothing now but a trinket to her that could so easily be cast aside. The anger seared back into his mind and he suddenly found that he was no longer in control of his actions.

When she emerged her head from the sweater, she saw to her horror that he was advancing towards her. It wasn't a casual stroll either, he was coming towards her with fury written in his movements…and all over his face. An inner voice urged her to run, to scream, to do anything to stop his advancement. Yet Rinoa found that she could do nothing but stare at him blankly like a muted doll. She watched as his hand reached for her neck in slow motion. She had time to react, to move out of the way, but she remained motionless.

Perhaps he had seen right through her…saw all of the emotional baggage she carried for him…and realized that she stood in the way of his happiness. She was a link to a past he desperately wanted to put behind him. Now, he was going to end it…get it out of the way. And oddly enough, she wasn't afraid anymore. Maybe this way…this way would be the best for both of them. Again she realized that she could never hate him, no matter what he did. Death was something she tried not to think about…after all she had just barely begun to live again. But if it was him…if he dealt it to her, somehow it would be okay. Her only hope was that it would be quick.

He grabbed the silver chain and pulled it from underneath the confines of her sweater. Squall rolled the rings over in his hand confirming what he saw with his sense of touch. Her mother's ring clinked together with its new companion. The headmaster inspected it more closely, staring at the silver band encrusted with garnet colored jewels that shimmered in the overhead light.

Eyes that were full of pain and confusion looked up to meet her bewildered gaze. "My…ring?" He queried softly.

Rinoa took a shaky breath, regaining her composure after her imagined impending death. The look in his eyes broke her heart and she wondered just what kind of idiot she was to think that this man would ever physically harm her. Even though it was his duty…somehow she knew he wouldn't. But inside he was killing her…he insisted on remaining on this path of endless questioning…too many whys, and she was going to break, she could feel it. She thought she was stronger…she wanted so much to be stronger.

"I gave it to Laguna," she stammered, quickly averting her eyes from his piercing stare. She could feel the heat of his anger rising as his hand closed around the rings.

"You…you _gave_ it to Laguna? Why? Why in Diablo's name would you do something like that?" His voice heightened with resentment. "If you spent so much time with him you should know he is the last person that should have that ring!" He fumbled the other between his fingers. "Did he make a trade with you or something? Give you this for that dented old tarnished one, so you could have something pretty to hang around your neck?"

"I gave it to him so he could give it back to you!" Her voice trembled. "When the time was right…because I sure as hell couldn't do it! And both you and I know that I had no right to keep it!"

How could she think that? "Rinoa, I gave that to you, I meant for you to have it, I wanted...," he stopped in mid sentence and turned to look over his shoulder. "Will you please stop staring at me and take your mangy flea bitten ass somewhere else? I'm not going to hurt her!"

Squall looked down at the dog gazing up at him intently just inches away from his left leg. Esperanza could see his mouth moving and tilted her head slightly. He had entered the 'hazard zone' again, and she wanted to make sure her master was all right with this proximity. The dog could sense her fear, and she was ready at a moments notice to tear into this human should he attack her.

The headmaster figured the dog would turn away at the ferociousness of his voice; instead it continued staring like it hadn't even been acknowledged. This infuriated him more. "I said get lost!" He yelled louder, waving her off with his free arm. Again, nothing.

"Hyne Rinoa is your dog deaf or something?" He said in exasperation.

"Yes." She said matter-of-factly.

He turned back to her with a look of astonishment. Her face was completely serious; there was no undertone of sarcasm in her voice.

"Oh," was all he could manage.

She looked at the dog and began making hand gestures. "Esperanza, go upstairs."

The dog whined as if to ask if she were certain. Her master made the gesture again and then another to confirm her well being.

"Don't worry, I'll be okay." She mouthed, hoping the dog could understand. Esperanza ducked her head and walked passed them, her nails clicking softly against the wood floor.

Squall's cheeks flushed red with embarrassment. "I'm sorry…I didn't know…I."

Rinoa suddenly switched to the offensive position. "Either way you shouldn't be lashing out at my dog like that, whether or not she is deaf! She wasn't doing anything to you!"

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I couldn't stand the staring anymore. It was like she was burning holes in the back of my head."

"She's just looking out for me…I don't exactly have many people who would do that for me anymore. She and Maude are the only friends I've got in Winhill. I'm sure if the rest of the town figured out who I was they would be looking out for a stake to burn me on. In fact, I'm not entirely sure what would happen if Maude knew the truth. But I'm certain Esperanza has sensed it and you know what? She doesn't care. She accepts my disability just like I accept hers!"

Her breaths became quick and ragged as she fought against her emotions. She didn't want him to see…but it was so hard…how did he ever manage to do this? How was he able to bury things so deep?

Guilt seized his heart causing another wave of pain to surge through him. Did she really consider her powers to be a disability? She thought the powers she possessed that made her superior to the rest of humanity were no different than being paralyzed or blinded. Yet, there was a twisted truth in her words. The disabled of society were treated differently. Her _"disability"_ would not only be met with the prejudice of human nature, but also persecution.

"If you would have looked closer you might have noticed the alignment of the stones on this ring. It's a prototype of the Odine bangle. I keep it close to me because I don't know when my powers might materialize…and yes they told me it would be a 'when' and not an 'if.' But I do know that I won't be able to control them. You should remember that from the Ragnarok. I know about as much of being a sorceress as I did then, which is pretty much next to nothing. I wear it on the chain so I can put it on and lock them if I need to. It's the only thing I have to protect myself…and everyone else." She looked down at his hand so precariously close to her. Why did she feel so compelled just to grab it and hold on to it forever? She wanted to pull away, it didn't seem like a hard thing to do. But it was like this one simple hand had trapped her, holding her like some willing prisoner. She could feel his eyes on her waiting for her to continue. The young woman bit her lip and tried to focus.

"And yes, Laguna did give it to me…for that very reason!" Rinoa trembled as tears she had been battling fell in surrender down her cheeks.

"Please…let me go." She ended in a whisper, closing her eyes. The weight on her chest and the warmth she felt radiating from his hand was becoming more than she could bear. It was warm and enticed something inside her which she also had no control over and she was sure he could feel it. She had to break the contact with him…while she was still able.

For the first time he realized that he still held the rings, his hand resting against the fabric of her sweater. The realization of the connection became intoxicating. He was close to her, touching her without the stealth and blatant hiding he had done that morning. So many years…how he had longed for this closeness. It was an overwhelming feeling of relief and remorse. Relief, that she was opening up to him…that she felt something other than the cold indifference she had shown before. Remorse, to know that he was inflicting the pain he saw in her eyes. She had been so passionate about everything when he met her. Squall was so afraid he had taken that away from her, her ability to feel. But it had been an illusionary wall much like his own. Hadn't it?

He could see now the wall was breaking away; the emotions welling to the surface. Even through the cotton material of the t-shirt and the thick sweater he could feel her heart hammering wildly against the back of his hand. It shook her entire frame as she gasped unsteadily for air. It reminded him all over again that he was standing face to face with a living, breathing, Rinoa Heartilly, more real and alive than ten thousand illusions. He was feeling something that he never thought he would be able to. God, he wanted the moment to last longer…he just wanted to stay like this. But he saw the anguish on her face and what this was doing to her. And with reluctant guilt, he let go.

"I'll tell him you want it back," she said wiping her eyes. "Don't be so hard on him Squall, he's a good man."

The resentment he held for his father suddenly came roaring back. "Yeah that's what he would have you to believe."

She let out a bitter laugh. "You've never given him the time of day, how would you know? He has been the like father I never had. He might be one to you if you give him a chance."

He had been through this so many times with so many different people. He really didn't need this from her. "I gave him chance after chance when I waited for him at the orphanage. And you know when he did finally come…he never even gave me a second glance, just took off with Ellone. I'd watch out if I were you, he doesn't treat his 'family' very well. Maybe I could understand him going after her. But he never came back for me; he just stayed to run that damn country of his. Telling me later basically that he just never got around to having time for me. He loved strangers more than me Rinoa! Now you tell me why he deserves any of my time!" The young man finished with a snarl.

Rinoa did not realize Laguna hit such a sensitive nerve with him. She knew they had little contact, but she did not fathom the bitterness that Squall held for the man. Laguna had never discussed their relationship much more than saying it was strained and pretty much nonexistent. And that his son never wanted it to go any further than that.

"I don't pretend to know what happened back then, why he didn't come for you. But I know enough about that man to believe that it wasn't because he didn't care about you. Laguna has the biggest heart of any person I know."

"No one with that much power has much of a heart Rinoa. But they are good liars."

She narrowed her eyes, muttering quietly, "Tell me about it."

"What did you say?"

The young woman sighed and shook her head. "If you ever remember anything that I tell you Squall, remember this. You can't live in some illusionary world where you've convinced yourself that your presumptions are the only truth. Because when you finally wake up to the reality you couldn't see, it will hurt more than you can even imagine."

_"Like it did to me."_

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Rinoa groaned and threw up her hands. "I'm just saying you should talk to him about it before unleashing your final judgment on him!"

Squall had heard more of this drivel about 'perfect, can do no wrong Laguna Loire' than he cared to stomach. He was so tired of getting this from everyone. Was there no one who would take his side on this? Blinded by his frustration, he didn't consider the next words out of his mouth until they had already fell from his lips.

"Well gee, thank you _doc_ for the intriguing insight. Would you like to invite him over for some group therapy? Maybe bring your video camera; I'm sure it would be a touching father-son moment for a primetime documentary."

That did it. That word again. He waved that red cape in front of her for the last time. Either he was just too blind to see what he was doing to her or he was subconsciously enjoying stabbing at her with some hot scalding brand of the truth of what he had found. Her feelings could be damned as far as he was concerned. Somehow she guessed he didn't think she read his article, his distortions of the truth.

They were distortions weren't they?

"Squall…are you just here to hurt me? Honestly…just tell me. Because you know, I'm very capable of inflicting enough pain upon myself without your fucking help! But thank you _so_ much for the offer! If all you want from me is that goddamn ring, then suck up your stupid ass pride and go get it from _your _father!"

If his teeth weren't already clenched, Squall Leonhart's mouth would have dropped three inches lower than it originally did. Not only for her confusing accusation, but for the verbal assault she just bombarded him with. Honestly it never occurred to him that such language existed in her vocabulary. Then again he had never seen her this upset. "Rinoa, how could you think that…how could you think that I would ever in a million years do _anything_ to hurt you?"

"Because I'm a sorceress Squall! I'm dangerous remember? It's better for the rest of the world if I'm dead right? Either finish what you're here to do or get the hell out! Go back to Trabia and let me live my life!"

She swung her arms out for emphasis, and in doing so, she struck his head with the back of her hand. His breath caught in his throat as he winced at the thundering pain roared with a blaring fanfare through his head again. He clutched at it weakly, determined to fight his physical ailment for the sake of her inner turmoil.

The young woman hadn't meant to hit him. She winced just as he did as soon as she felt her hand come into contact with his skull. Her first instinct again was to run to his aide, to make this wrong right again. But her remaining shreds of pride refused to let her, and in the end she could only stand and stare as he slowly regained his bearings.

"I'm…sorry," she muttered. "Are you okay?"

"Rinoa…" The words sank to the very core of his being. Why would she…it didn't make any sense. He had never given any inclination during their short time spent together that he was out to kill her. He didn't give a damn about his duties when it came to her, because in his heart he knew she was different. He knew she was different the very moment he saw her beneath the stars. How could she not know that? After all, he had promised to protect her.

Didn't he?

_"A shame you never told her that when you had the chance, moron."_

God she didn't know. _She didn't know_!

"Please, please listen to me." He pleaded.

Her drying tears began to glisten once more as the printed words formed a barricade of scalding torture around her. "I think you've said enough Squall," she replied a bit more softly.

Without another word Rinoa turned her back on him and stormed into the kitchen. He stood there baffled as the sound of drawers being ripped open and then slammed shut echoed throughout the house. What was she doing, taking her anger out on the cabinets? Perhaps she had enough of him now and was looking for the butcher knife so she could kill him. He would welcome it. He knew he deserved everything she could throw at him now...including cutlery.

The knives clanked together as she pulled the drawer open looking for her quarry. With a glance over the items she shoved the drawer back to its original position. Truth be told she knew exactly where it was, she was stalling. She didn't want to face it. It would nearly kill her to see it again...she hadn't looked at it since she threw the damn thing in there for reasons still unknown to her. The young woman opened the final drawer with a little more caution. The newspaper slid towards her almost tauntingly. She closed her eyes against the bitter tears that now trailed down her cheeks. A small clatter drew her attention. Lying next to the article, she saw a cheese grater. Perhaps she could throw that at him instead.

_"Here Squall! Let's save both you and me a lot of trouble! You just go ahead and rip my heart out right now, take it upstairs, and use this thing to grate it over the toilet. Don't forget to flush when you're done...Or hey, how about we just bag up what's left and toss it in the freezer? How's that for poetic justice?"_

She shook the thought from her head clenching the paper tightly in her hand. This was so…damn…hard. And she didn't know why. If he needed his memory jogged so be it. He was just trying to cover, she knew it. He was being all nice and regretful so he could move in closer to her. _Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer._ Her paranoia was starting to descend and loom over her like a dark cloud. Even though she had convinced herself earlier that he would never hurt her. Yes, he could take on the form of any person, he could show her any emotion she wished, he had been trained for it.

Rinoa took a deep breath. She had to regain control of these scattered thoughts. Part of her held the overwhelming desire to run to him, to tell him how she felt, to live the chance she never got. Would it make a difference?

_"I'm trained not to feel on a personal level." _

Fine. If he wasn't then she would train herself not to feel.

She grabbed the newspaper and walked forcefully back into the living room. Her eyes narrowed as she met his gaze and without so much as a single warning she threw the article at him. He didn't react or move out of the way to miss it. He was still in a mystified daze over her words. The paper smacked hard against his chest before skidding to a halt a foot away from him.

"I know what you feel Squall. I know who you see when you look at me. You don't have to hide it. I know." She spoke harshly, but her voice didn't rise above a slow and steady monotone.

He looked at her; he saw her eyes burning with fueled anger and explosive pain. Glancing at the ground, he saw something that made his heart hit the concrete pavement from a fifteen story drop. The article. That fucking article he had been forced into a month ago.

_"Oh God."_

In one piercing realization, what stability remained, crumbled to the ground. Every hope that was rediscovered within the last few hours all seemed a futile attempt at a reality that was _always_ out of his grasp.

Not just now standing with her in Winhill, but also out of grasp eight years ago.

The final grains of sanity that remained were pulverized like dust ancient ruins. Except this time, he was left alone hanging from the gallows. The world crumbled into nothingness below, as the source of her anger was the final knot tied in the noose around his neck.

His body felt like a motionless corpse dangling above the reflecting pool of his greatest failure. He could feel himself dying inside; the nothingness started in his legs and spread like a starving disease. The sound of his neck snapping would have loudly echoed though the base of his skull had this 'act' been nothing more than the hallucinations he had grown accustomed to. The phantom ropes severing thin layers of his skin each fiber slicing deeper than the last. He deserved it. Not only had he failed her eight years ago, but failed her far greater only a few months ago.

The newspaper could have been a bullet; it couldn't have been more deadly. The black and white letters exploding off of the page like rapid mortar fire. Each spelling the words that he said not as punishment to _her_, but to himself.

She watched the horror spread across his face like a tidal wave crashing ferociously over the break water and hurling into the shore. What kind of horror it was, she wasn't sure. Was it horror because he knew what he said would hurt her? Or was it horror she figured out his true feelings while she was still supposedly frozen. Whatever his torment was, Rinoa didn't say a word…she didn't need to.

The remaining color in his face sifted away with his façade of mental stability. He didn't fight for control, he didn't struggle; there was nothing left in him to do that now. He stripped himself away into nothing. The aching guilt and remorse poured from him now like hot arterial blood gushing from a severed neck. The world closed in and he couldn't breathe. With nothing left, he lunged forward to his only lifeline and grabbed her by the shoulders. She gasped sharply at the unexpected reaction and the forcefulness she felt behind his hands that were wrapped tightly around her arms.

At the moment he couldn't speak, he could barely look at her, but every emotion he held, the barrier he had built around his heart fell tumbling under the earthquake of his shame, his remorse for the nightmare he had given her, the one that became her reality.

If it hadn't been for the look in his eyes she might have given in to that suspicion that he was here to kill her. But he looked so lost and helpless, like she had just hurled a million barbed arrows into his body. Never had she seen so much emotion coming from him at once. It was like an overwhelming force and she could scarcely breathe.

He was sucking enough air through his teeth for the both of them. Every exhaled breath shuddering like a ship's sail caught in a violent maelstrom.

Slowly she reached for his face with trembling fingers. Rinoa didn't know why she saw something so deep and heartbreaking in his eyes that compelled her to reach for him in that moment. Yet she gave in to the desire and it was if everything that happened before, that was happening now, all of the anger seemed to pass from existence.

Squall felt the warm sensation of her hands around his face. She was touching him willingly without hesitation and it comforted him in a way nothing had in eight long years. Not the therapy sessions, not the illusions, not the alcohol...not Elise.

Guilt overrode the sensation again, and he found that he couldn't look at her any longer. Slowly he lowered his head and closed his eyes. And in one swift movement she did something he wouldn't have expected in 1,000 lifetimes after what he had done to her. Her hands moved passed his face and wrapped around the back of his neck. She pulled him to her and held his quaking body against her own, brushing her fingers through his thick hair. The only thing the headmaster was able to do in that moment was to wrap his arms around her as he tried to remember to breathe.


	23. Whatever I Fear

**_Chapter Twenty-Three: Whatever I Fear_**

The world had collapsed from beneath him and somehow he knew that if he wasn't holding on to her he would fall into the dark chasm of oblivion that loomed below his feet. His mind screamed at him to wake up, convinced that this could never be real, the illusion had finally snared him and there would be no letting go this time. He shut his eyes tighter; afraid to open them to the reality that she wasn't there, that the only thing he was holding onto was phantom vapor sealed forever in his mind.

But she was real. His heart told him this. He felt the warmth of her body against his. His fingers ran across the gray material of the sweater, feeling the contours of her back beneath the soft fibers. He could feel her arms around him; feel each tremulous breath she took. The sensation became an almost paralyzing force that surged through his nerve endings. She might have been saying something, he didn't know. Squall Leonhart couldn't hear anything over the fierce pounding of his heart.

_"You should say something idiot. Look at what you did to her! Look at what your carelessness brought to her this time! You sent her spinning beneath the riptide all over again, taking the ground right out from beneath her feet. All those things you said…she thinks you meant them. Why shouldn't she…that isn't a tabloid lying on the ground. She's not going to get the truth from you this way while you stand here and cling to her. You owe her an explanation."_

His mind raced on what he could say to make her understand. His heart was begging him just to forget it and stay like this and hold her until he could no longer stand. He wasn't well…he was certainly aware of this, and so were his doctors and close friends. The headmaster was fairly certain they were seconds away from committing him to an institution on several occasions. But she…she didn't know…at least he didn't think so. It was highly doubtful she would be hugging him at this moment; rather she'd probably be cowering in a corner…and he wouldn't blame her. Perhaps it was this that kept him from telling her everything. Perhaps it was his pride that didn't want to reveal his weaknesses. Perhaps it was because she didn't need any more burdens placed on her. He had given her enough suffering.

Squall took a few more moments to gather his explanation, sorting and cutting out the gruesome details. And with a great reluctance, he gently pushed her away so that he could look into her eyes. Selfishly, he kept his hands on her shoulders in a last ditch effort to keep at least some of the contact he had so desperately desired for so very long.

Up until this point, Rinoa had been in a daze. Her head was spinning with a cyclone of emotions. She had wanted to yell at him some more. She wanted him to know of the pain he had dealt her in the blackest of ink. He had merely looked at her, and just like that…something happened. Something broke through that she couldn't control, and she gave in. The sorceress had reached for the man in front of her without hesitation. There was an overwhelming bliss she found while holding him in her arms. It felt so right…yet it was so wrong. She could feel his arms encircling her, and his hands moving slowly across her back. It was an intoxicating sensation, and no matter how hard her reason tried to surface, to bring her back to her senses, she found herself unable to move.

To her surprise however, he was the first one to pull away. And it shouldn't have been a surprise, damn it, it should _not_ have been. He had every reason to pull away. He knew it was wrong. Hyne, how could she just give into her emotions like that? What made her think it was perfectly alright to just hold him like that? Slowly she looked up to meet his gaze. Rinoa saw the intensity and the sorrow in his eyes. Her face burned bright red and fresh tears stung at her eyes. She wanted to cry. She wanted to run. If his hands had not remained on her shoulders she had no doubt that she would have. He was going to break this to her gently…and she didn't think she was ready.

She _knew_ she wasn't ready.

* * *

"Laguna Loire, please."

_"Who can I say is calling?"_

"Dr. Elise Vandermere from Trabia Garden."

_"Please hold, I'll see if the President is available."_

Elise tapped her nails rhythmically against the surface. Why did it feel like she was spending most of her recent days with a receiver permanently attached to her ear? But here she was, doing something she knew would place Squall in a state well beyond furious. Honestly, he could just deal with it. He had done plenty to upset her in the last two days; he owed her this much. Hell, she was only trying to help him with his past demons; why was she trying to turn it around on herself?

_"Elise?"_

"Hello, President Loire, I hope I'm not disturbing you."

_"Not at all, I'm just surprised you called. Is everything all right?"_

All right? Her fiancée was missing in action, supposedly knocked out by a large yellow bird. Her only link to this lucid insight was from an old woman who seemed only this side of sanity…purposely standing in a pile of fertilizer. Squall was going on trial for endangering himself, saving a brunette figment of his imagination, in two days time. The 'figment' in question, may have actually saved him from dying during time compression. Also, right now, the man she whole-heartily believed she was going to spend the rest of her life with, was quite probably a 'knight' to a frozen sorceress. Oh yeah, and the topper, Squall Leonhart finally said he loved somebody…but it sure as hell wasn't her.

What could be wrong?

"Everything is fine, just busy preparing." Elise couldn't even begin to explain the truth; she could barely fathom the reality. "I need to ask you a favor."

_"Anything."_

"I would like a copy of Rinoa Heartilly's medical records."

Okay, anything but _that_. Laguna had a feeling that everything was about to change. And he wasn't sure if he was upset or relieved.

_"Elise?"_ He could barely articulate at the moment. Luckily, she continued before he obliged to answer.

"I was doing some research on the possible ramifications of the sealing process. I wanted to examine some of her medical records… Anything would be helpful, from family history, to anything current that Esthar would be willing to share in joint cooperation with Garden. Anything I can learn could only benefit us in the future."

_"I would honestly love to give you the documentation, but in respect to Rinoa's privacy, that request would have to be authorized by a family member."_ At least that came out semi-coherent he hoped, trying desperately to mask his failing nerves on his end.

"Laguna, both you and I know that Rinoa doesn't have any living relatives. I'm sure I could get Squall to authorize the request." She believed he would. The initial thought may not settle too well, but after the anger quelled he would understand. Elise was positive if there was the slimmest chance in hell to help Rinoa that he'd sign the form in a heartbeat.

_"Elise, I'm sorry, Squall doesn't even have that authority."_

"What? What do you mean…of course he does! He's been executor of her trust for almost eight years. Over fifteen percent of his gross salary goes directly into her trust fund, another percentage goes to programs funded in her name. Why do you think he goes through this every day? How can you tell me that he no longer has authority... he did a month ago. I'm pretty sure he did a week ago!"

_"Yes, he did for certain monetary transactions. I'm really sorry. He doesn't have that authority anymore."_ Laguna didn't know what else to say. It was true, he didn't. His name had been removed by Rinoa herself, giving Quistis Trepe sole rights. Somehow, a simple fax from a bank had fallen through the cracks of bureaucracy.

Elise tried to calm herself, but her tone was firm. "Then tell me who does? Who can I contact about obtaining these records?"

_"I can't release that information." _Well, there went the wedding invitation...as if he was going to get one at this point anyhow.

"What do you mean? She's sealed in Esthar, don't you have some authority to get copies of her records. You're the goddamned President! I'm just trying to save your son some agony here for once in his life…please."

That seemed to do it. It was if he knew somehow Elise honestly was doing this for Squall. He had to believe; he had to put his faith in, that no matter what she found; what ever was inevitably discovered was predestined by fate. His own flesh and blood may never speak another word to him, but if Laguna could somehow know that he brought his son some solace from his agony, than his own pain would be worth any price. He deserved anything for his betrayals of the past and of the present; the future honestly didn't matter for him. It mattered only for his son.

_"Elise, I'll contact the right party immediately. Hopefully, you will have your answer very shortly."_

"Please, do what you can. I promise you that it is important." She wondered how desperate she was beginning to sound, but something about his tone gave her hope. "Laguna, one last thing… Do you know if Sorceress Adel had a knight?"

"_I'm sorry?"_ He hesitated, already disliking the feel of this entire conversation, and rehashing this topic certainly wasn't helping in the least. _"From what is printed in the history books, it states she didn't."_

The young doctor ran her fingers through her hair in extreme frustration. No matter what Squall said about the man, Laguna made a damn good politician. He had mastered the art of dodging questions, making his answers almost feel natural, if you weren't listening hard enough.

"Laguna… I'm not asking what the books state. I know you were around when she was first entombed. I also know that there is a lot of rumors and gossip that is never substantiated for the books, or omitted. From your recollection, do you remember anything about Sorceress Adel having a knight? I know Esthar as a whole is trying to skip over that chapter of the past. Hell, you guys shut yourself off from the world for seventeen years, who knows what you were doing."

The young woman hadn't meant to snap, especially at the President of a country, not to mention her future father-in-law. It wouldn't exactly make that entire 'family reunion' scene run that much smoother. There was silence from the other end, she wasn't even sure if he was still on the line or not. "Laguna, I'm sorry… I've been up for eighteen hours straight working, I shouldn't have gotten upset. It's not you. I'm just letting that paranoid side of me take over. I'm trying to get everything in order for Squall's trial…and he seems to be missing in Winhill."

_"W-What?"_ Laguna's composure flew out the window, hitting the pavement with equal velocity as an iron giant falling on his face.

"It's nothing major…just an erroneous bank transaction. Listen, I won't keep you any longer. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you in the first place. The last thing Squall would want would be me speaking with you."

She placed her hand on her forehead in frustration, now she'd managed to insult the man _at least_ twice in one call. Elise was losing her own identity, unsure of who she truly was anymore. It was as if her sanity was quickly rivaling that of 'Chocobo Lady's.'

_"Yes… Adel had a knight..."_ began Laguna, without any warning.

His voice was strangely detached; Elise had never heard the President speak without his normal vocal interjections. It no longer seemed like the same person on the end of the line. Rather, for the first time, she could hear a seriousness to his words mirroring that of Squall's.

_"Her knight ended up helping the rebellion when he realized what Adel was truly planning… For his sake, we kept his connection away from the public. It was only with his cooperation that we succeeded. As one of the conditions of my accepting office, he was granted absolution."_

"So she did have a knight…"

_"Yes, but not a true knight. The bond was not rooted in love or he would have never swayed back to our side… He would have died to save her. There's a difference. Cid and Edea would be an example of a love-bonded relationship... while Seifer and Ultimecia would be the other. A knight and sorceress bonded only in power may be stronger for a period, but it is fleeting...the struggle for absolute control is too much. They are driven apart by their own selfish desires."_

"But Laguna...what if...what if it is the other?"

_"That would be a true knight, or a love-bonded relationship. They are rare, you must understand that... I'm not even sure if you can truly classify Cid and Edea in that group, but really, that would not be for us to decide. Basically, it is when the two souls have reached out and become one, through time and space against all odds and would willingly sacrifice their lives for one another without question, without hesitation, without remorse."_

There was silence from both sides before Laguna finally questioned,_ "Elise, why are you asking about knights?"_

"Just something a student said to me...in a book...that's all." It wasn't a lie, just not the complete truth.

She had always thought of knights as some fairy tale concept, riding in on a great white steed. Now she was supposed to accept that their soul could be connected to a sorceress? Two parts making a whole? Many of her colleagues at Garden used to say that they felt as if Squall was only _half there_, little did they know how right they could be.

* * *

The Headmistress looked down at the faxed documents once again. It seemed the only thing defining her life these days was an endless torrent of paperwork, but not one document in the last eight years held the significance that these carried. Somehow, Quistis knew an end was drawing near and a proverbial 'checkmate' would be inevitable. The problem was most of the players were unaware that they were participants in a game... let alone, the obstacles, nor the other players, surrounding them.

_"Medical release form authorization required of Quistis Trepe for patient #030399 Rinoa Heartilly. Please read, sign, and return the following attached documents."_

And just like that, it became her turn in the game of cerebral artistry.

It disgusted her to debase so many relations and friendships as nothing more than a board game. Over the past years, that is what she had been taught, from textbooks, from Garden instructors, and from Cid Kramer. Distance yourself from the reality, think in terms as others becoming dispensable pawns, don't become personally attached. Like hell, she had long broken that objective long before ever adorning a SeeD uniform, let alone one of an Instructor. As a Headmaster, she had learned to mask it to an art, but there were always exceptions to make the rule...and that was those few friends who she valued more than her own existence.

The first player was one often cloaked in black; he accepted that color not as a villain, but as an unwilling champion. On the right side of the board, was the proclaimed savior to the world, the one whose exclusiveness only elevated the stature of his celebrity. But to Quistis Trepe, Squall Leonhart was still that scared little boy she had remembered from childhood. The one who wanted nothing to do with the glory, because he couldn't see beyond the devastation left in its wake, the boy still yearning for absolution. From the time before she could remember, there was always a sadness in Squall's eyes. The question remained deep in Quistis' heart, one that she, more than likely, would never have the ability to answer, could that sorrow ever fade?

The unknowing player on the opposing side knew little of the modern world surrounding her. Yet, Rinoa Heartilly was the one labeled the Evil Queen, the sorceress who would kill without remorse. Again, to Quistis, an obvious distorted portrayal by a society unwilling to know the person behind their lies. In honesty, the Headmistress had not known the young woman long, but could still feel an identical sadness to Squall's, through every forced smile.

How had Quistis come to find herself in such a position? As a SeeD, she had been trained to avoid being cornered - taught by the greatest military force known, by the towering Rook known as Garden. But now she found herself in conflict with people she considered allies. There might have been paths for escape, but right now, Quistis wasn't sure that she wanted to continue in the illusion.

The fax in her hand had originated from Trabia Garden, sent to Esthar's Sorceress Memorial, and then finally forwarded to Balamb Garden by Laguna himself. All it lacked was a simple signature and two sets of initials that Quistis alone had legal power to authorize...well, beside from the signature of Rinoa Heartilly.

Elise Vandermere was requesting the sorceress' medical history. Nothing current, only information concerning the past... but the past never remains buried, it was always whispered secrets to the future. Why now after all these years, after all this time, would Dr. Vandermere want this information? For Hyne's sake, she wasn't even Rinoa's physician, nor did she ever have contact with the girl. _Ever_.

This was just another move that she would have to counter or sacrifice. It was because the game had been set in motion; fate and reality couldn't just let this tale end in a stalemate.

So now, Quistis sat staring at a piece of paper - feeling as if she was silently marching into perdition. In reality, if her signature was the binding factor, it was by chance and inevitable discovery. It was a matter of time, too much had happened, too many fates had already been decided...this went far beyond them. Elise would find out, if not from _this_, then from Squall... There was no hiding reality any more. Then again, maybe the doctor already knew...maybe that was what this request was all about.

She looked at the paper again as a feeling slowly overtook her body. Maybe in all of her concern of about the possibilities, was it likely the doctor had sensed something with Rinoa's condition that the others had missed? It seemed illogical, but then again, every moment since a phone call waking her from her dreams seemed slightly illogical.

Would that mean Garden would know that Rinoa was awake? Would Elise report her findings directly to the board? Was there a fine line between professional protocol and personal concern?

And what of Squall? What of his wellbeing? Could even Rinoa save him from whatever prisons he had formed around himself? His confinement went far beyond the last eight years, the wounds went deeper than any one person, one failure, no matter how great could cause. If Quistis fully believed Elise granted him that salvation, why now harbor any doubts? There were too many questions...too many variables that she couldn't answer...

In one radial move, a decision that would affect several lives was played. All the pieces placed on the board, Knight, Queen, Rook, and Pawns...all preparing to collide into a three dimensional nexus of cells and power. But this wasn't a game, and these weren't pieces on a wooden board...these were her friends.

She had to close her eyes to reason and take a step into the unknown. For one last moment, she looked at the papers in hand, distancing herself from all the logic she had been taught by Garden and going on personal feeling alone, signing her name to that paper.

She hoped that someday the ones that lay defeated this round would understand.

* * *

Squall swallowed hard, his words seemingly blocked by some intrusion in his throat. His mind briefly considered getting a drink of water, but that would have required letting her go in this one moment. And right now he felt as if he would take on a whole legion of Forbiddens with his arms held tightly around her before he let go again.

"Rinoa…what I said…I…"

She shook her head. "No it's all right, you don't have to explain…I understand. I'm sorry, I should never have…"

"No!" He said forcefully before regaining his composure. "No. I _do_ have to explain. And you have nothing…_nothing_ to be sorry for." His hands loosened their grip ever so slightly. What in the world did she have to apologize for? He was the one who should have been crawling to her on his knees like some half starved animal.

"After we defeated Ultimecia…the world became a whole lot smaller. Since Adel was no longer imprisoned in space, live feed radio and satellites became possible again. I guess…you've seen that by now. But basically it meant that the new media sources exploded back into business, and the first thing they did was to burn a path to our doorsteps. They wanted to know how we all felt…what we had seen. I evaded it for years, declining every interview that was shoved in my face…sometimes by nothing but brute force. I couldn't talk about it…I…couldn't tell them what I'd seen. What it was like to watch someone I…cared for seemingly just…die right in front of me, when all I could do was watch." His breath faltered through his lips as he fought to continue.

"Then, a few months ago, I did something Rinoa. It was my fault, and it should not have happened, but it did. There was no excuse for my actions. But those actions put other people, the students at Garden; it compromised their safety and put them in harm's way. The Board of Trustees found out about it…so the article there…was more or less a plea of sanity from me. I gave them what they wanted to hear, praises to the perfection of their precious military facility and acknowledgement of their mission…and accomplishments."

Rinoa studied his features, still stuck on what he had said before. Was he talking about her? She thought he was. In that case, did he just say that he had cared for her?

"They were constantly watching me, keeping tabs on my actions after the accident to gather information..."

"Information?" She queried. "Why do they need information?"

"I have to appear before the board…soon. They want to make sure I'm …competent enough to handle my position as headmaster." The uncertainty and hurt in her eyes was almost more than he could bear. "So when the opportunity arose for an interview…I took it this time, with the newspaper…it seemed to be the easiest way, but Hyne Rinoa, had I known you would have ever seen it...I would have _never…_" His voice broke under the emotional strain. "I said those things so it would appear that I wasn't letting emotional attachments hinder my performance."

Squall's gaze fell to the floor as it once again became impossible to look at her. He couldn't stand this. He wanted her to just take a knife and shove it between his ribs right then and there and end it. End _her_ suffering.

"I never said it…to hurt you. You have to know that. I wouldn't _ever_ have considered it in a million years." He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Garden…its…all I've had, all I've known. The only stability I had left after..."

He stopped himself. He wasn't going to bring back those memories for her. Even though he knew in his heart that her life now was nothing but an endless onslaught of faceless memories. Yet how could he give her the real reason? He had in fact done it for the woman standing beside him in that picture. That woman who had cared for him enough, even when he didn't give a damn about himself, who had put her reputation on the line countless times for him. Squall knew he could never repay Elise, but the least he could do was to hold her name above the water if his was doomed to drown in a sea of his own failures and insanity.

Mentally he shook the thought from his head. "What I mean to say is…it was important to my friends that I did not get thrown out of Garden for questionable actions. They would be guilty by association. I knew they would face needless scrutiny and probably a lot worse. I couldn't do that to them, not after…all they've done for me."

Inadvertently, Rinoa's eyes fell to the newspaper lying between them on the floor. She knew that he wasn't just talking about the friends they had traveled the world with eight years ago. She was torn now. At the time she had first seen it her heart desperately wanted to believe that it wasn't him speaking through that article. Now suddenly, he had verified that truth. It was like a double edged sword.

It relieved her to hear it from his own mouth. That…he didn't hate her, think of her as nothing but a monetary gain. It gave her hope, and hope to her had become a ruthless devouring monster. It held her aloft for a few moments before hurling her into a black void, all the while whispering things to her that could never be.

Somehow things seemed easier to accept when she thought he really did mean the things he had said. That he did hate her. Because somehow it helped to hold back the feelings, the love, she still held for him. Now it fell upon her like a tremendous cloud, so heavy that she could hardly stand. Guilt of her own raged through her because she knew that she shouldn't…she couldn't have feelings for this man who was already promised to another. Another who probably knew him a thousand times better. Someone who could see every facet of his soul and reach beneath every layer of his being.

She had seen the overwhelming guilt in his eyes and heard the conviction in his voice, and she knew that what he was telling her was true. It made sense. It made sense to protect _her, _his fiancée, from whatever he had done. How could she blame him? She had been, after all, supposedly dead. How could she ever expect him _not _to move on?

Why was it that all she could seem to do now was stare at the photo and think that something had been robbed away from her, instead of accepting this and seeing clearly that Squall was better off with a person who really knew him. Not someone who never fully saw who he was eight years ago before ceasing to exist. Someone who knew him no better now, though she had desperately tried to believe differently.

He deserved someone who wasn't Rinoa Heartilly.

The sorceress could feel him looking at her, waiting for some sort of response. She tried to think of something she could say without revealing the true feelings of her heart. Her gaze never left the picture. It would probably be easier to control if she just remained focused on _them_ together.

"Squall," she said softly. "I'm…I'm sorry for doubting you. I understand that you had to do what was right to protect your…friends. I shouldn't have put this before the past and everything we had gone through. I should have known you better. I guess I really couldn't know just reading it for what it was, that there was something else behind the ink that I couldn't see. But I could have given you more credit instead of jumping to conclusions. I could have believed in you more."

The headmaster's pained expression turned to one of confusion. Why was she suddenly turning this around making herself the one at fault? She wouldn't look at him. She just continued to stare at the floor. He followed her gaze and saw the newspaper lying menacingly between them. The picture of Elise and himself together face up and staring at the two of them. His heart sank further.

"Rinoa there was no way you could have known. There is no other way to look at that," he said pointing at the article. "No amount of belief could have covered up those words. I wish so much that I could take them back. But I can't. I can only ask for forgiveness that I don't deserve and ask you to believe me when I say that I didn't mean a single word of it. That I never meant for you to see it. That I did it because I didn't want those close to me to have to suffer for my mistake."

She didn't respond, her gaze still fixed on the picture. Only now, he could see more of the emotion, more of the pain seeping from her eyes. He couldn't take it anymore. He bent down and picked up the newspaper. Her eyes involuntarily followed it into his hands. Rinoa finally looked up to meet his eyes, the guilt and struggle to contain her feelings almost overwhelming her completely. Squall took the paper in both hands and held it out in front of her.

"None of this is real Rinoa." He said as he ripped the paper in two. "None of it."

She stared at the torn remnants of the article. How easy it had seemed for him to rip apart his words as thought they were truly nothing. It was a visual affirmation of what he had just told her. Her conflicting emotions of relief and regret continued to envelop her heart. How easy it was for lies to build up over time. One lie on top of another, like an unsteady tower built on a foundation of sinking sand.

Yes, how easy it is to believe the lies you instill in your own mind. No, she didn't blame him, though a part of her wanted to be angry at him for lying anyway. If he truly didn't believe _any_ of what he had said…then why would he go so far as to put it in writing? But she did understand. Perhaps she might have done something like that for the one…the ones she loved. If it meant that they wouldn't have to endure what she had to face. Yes, she would distort the truth as far as it needed to bend. Yet, she wondered. She wondered how far it was truly distorted. More and more she was becoming angry with herself. Angry at the presumed lies she instilled in herself. That there was more between the two of them eight years ago than what was in fact, reality.

But what she had felt…what she still felt for him now. It didn't feel like a lie. It wasn't something she forced herself to believe. It just evolved. If indeed it was a lie she had created for herself, why did a sharp pain resonate through her chest every time she thought about it? No, it was real, it had to be. And now after time passed it had been unthawed, fully intact. She hadn't changed. Time had. And with time, so had he. Or maybe he hadn't. Maybe the feelings hadn't changed at all. Those feelings that perhaps he never really shared with her to begin with.

So many thoughts were running through her mind that she felt she would explode right there in front of him. Rinoa knew she should say something at this point. She just didn't know what that was at the moment. Honestly what was the right thing to say? To him? To herself? With a shuddered sigh she took the coward's way out and walked away from him, pretending to see something interesting just outside a nearby window. Closing her eyes, she could feel the chill emanating from the glass in front of her. She could feel the weight of his stare as it bore a large hole in her back. She couldn't run from this. Not anymore.

"Lies are powerful things," she said in a voice that strained for composure. "You know you can just keep building them up, believing in them so completely that pretty soon you can't even remember what the truth actually was."

Squall swallowed hard at the sound of her voice. Her words adding to the overwhelming ache that spread through his body. "I…I think somewhere beneath all of it you remember the truth." He spoke in a detached voice.

_"It's just that you try so damn hard to forget it." _He mentally added.

The young woman folded her arms across her chest and looked up at the sky which seemed to grow darker with each passing minute. "I'm not sure," she added softly. "I'm not sure I've ever known what the truth really was...about anything."

He didn't know what he could say…what he could do to ease the pain in the wake of the destruction he caused. He looked down at the torn paper in his hands. The truth was, for him, that he would always end up hurting someone no matter what choices he made. There was so much guilt coursing through him, guilt for the pain he had caused both of them. He saw Elise in the picture, she was smiling there. He wondered what she was probably going through right now…sick with worry. Then he looked back at the woman in front of him. That girl who used to light up the room with her enigmatic smile, a smile that could break through even the darkest of hearts. She seemed all but gone in the remnants before him. He had robbed her of it like a thief in the black of night. How many more lives could he ruin? How much more suffering could he inflict on the people he cared for the most?

She blamed him. She had too. She had to blame him like he blamed himself, if not more. Even though she would probably never come outright and say it. Beneath all of the pain he saw in her eyes, there had to be that blame festering in her spirit and spreading the ache through her like an infection. Living with himself had been an unbearable monstrosity for the past eight years. He knew he couldn't imagine what she must feel now seeing him again. Not only had he failed her at the Sorceress Memorial but he continued to fail her even in her supposed death, lying on public record about the feelings he truly had in his heart. How could he possible expect her to understand something like that? What reason had he ever given her to believe in him? He hardly believed in himself.

"Squall?" She said softly her back still turned to him, her gaze still penetrating through the window. He figured it was most likely traveling a million miles from where they were standing; desperately trying to escape from _him_ mentally, when physically she could not.

Suddenly his thoughts were interrupted as she suddenly turned to look at him, puzzled by his silence. He felt like a child suddenly caught doing something inappropriate. Did she even realize what power she had over him?

"Can…can I ask you something?" She formed every syllable of her question with slow hesitance from her lips. The young woman didn't want to pry into his life more than she already had, it wasn't right. She had no right. But something in her kept repeating his words. Above all, it was the genuine concern she had for him breaking through her ever crumbling façade.

Squall as if seemingly hearing her for the first time nodded dumbly to her second query.

"What…what happened?" God this was hard, he was going to think she was a meddler. But…she had to know. "I mean, are you in a lot of trouble?" She couldn't imagine Squall ever breaking a command or putting the lives of others at risk. She saw enough of the man that he was to know that underneath his cool exterior was a man who would throw himself on a grenade to protect the lives of the soldiers in his platoon, whether he knew them personally or not. That was just his courage. She had seen it countless times fighting alongside of him in battle. To think that now he had committed some irrational act that put others and probably himself in danger, just didn't seem like the Squall she knew.

She wasn't sure how, but there was a nagging feeling burning in the back of her mind that somehow, it was her fault.

_"I was chasing your ghost Rinoa. My mind created an illusion I wanted desperately to believe. An illusion that allowed me to come to your rescue again, only that time I wouldn't fail you. That time, I wouldn't be too late. My failure, letting you go, has consumed me for eight long years. I see your face every night in my dreams, I see your face in broad daylight. I think you need to know how seriously fucked up I am. In fact, I'm not entirely sure that you are safe now in the same room with me. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still allowed to wander the streets."_

These thoughts ran rampant through his mind. He was ashamed of them, but they were the truth. The truth was what she deserved to hear. But his heart panicked, he wasn't ready to lose her after he had truly found her again. Instead he said the first defensive line that anyone in the military would use.

"I'm sorry. It's classified."


	24. The Verse In the Rain

**_Chapter Twenty-Four: The Verse in the Rain_**

_"...It's classified."_

The words resonated through Rinoa Heartilly's mind and for a moment she was thrust back through time, standing in front of her meticulously overbearing father who had rewarded her pleas with that exact same answer, more times than she cared to remember.

The statement caused a stinging rebuttal to automatically rise into her mouth like hot bitter tasting bile. However, she remained in control of it this time, with an understanding she didn't realized she possessed. She wasn't sure why she expected him to fully open up to her. He had been a closed book to her before, to everyone, and it had taken all of her strength then to pry into the yellowed and torn pages, the sharp paper tearing deeper into her fingers with each struggle. Again it wasn't something she should expect, especially now, since she was undoubtedly a stranger to him all over again.

The truth was that she really didn't need to know. It was none of her business. She had no say in his life of course. Yet she felt so far away from him at this point that she didn't think they were on terms where she could offer him friendly advice. No. Not anymore.

She lowered her head slightly in defeat of her own mind. Things reminding her of how it was now, not the farce she wanted to believe in. The one where everything remained untouched and unchained for eight years, it was a ludicrous concept.

"I understand." Her voice quieting as she slowly nodded.

_"You're such a goddamned moron Squall Leonhart."_ He chided himself as he looked at her head bowed before him. Why couldn't he tell her? Was it guilt? Was he ashamed? Was he trying to protect her? Himself? Maybe it was all of it. Maybe he gave more of a damn about Garden and their policies than he thought. But what the hell did he have to lose now that wasn't already lost?

Squall was startled from his thoughts suddenly as she let out a yelp and stumbled, nearly falling into him. His arms shot out involuntarily to catch her only to be left wanting when she regained footing on her own.

She turned to address the assailant who had shoved their muzzle into the back of her knee, causing it to buckle. Esperanza barked with delight in getting her master's attention. Her diligent whining and pacing had gone unanswered for far too long.

The young woman sighed. "What is it girl?"

Though she could not hear the frustration in her voice, the dog could see it in her eyes. However she knew it would only be greater if she were forced to make a stain on the rug. So instead she made a pitiful sound that fell somewhere in between a whine and a howl. She high stepped her fore paws in quick succession for emphasis.

Rinoa saw the urgency in her dog's eyes and turned to look at the clock. It was well passed noon. Had they really been standing here this long? A slight cramp in her right calf sent the affirmation running up her nerve endings.

"I'm so sorry sweetie." She said quickly while walking over to the door to get her coat while the dog danced at her heels.

Turning back to Squall she gave him an apologetic look. "I have to take her out again."

He nodded dumbly for the second time that day. All the words he longed to tell her forcing themselves back down into the depths of his throat, he could only watch her as she buttoned her coat with clumsy fingers and vanished out the door.

* * *

Maybe it's unexplainable. That simple. You wake up in the middle of the night and feel an awareness taking over your body - a sensation that grabs hold, refusing to let you fall back into that state of peacefulness. Gradually, its claws descend deeper into your flesh, though you cannot locate their source. Frantically, you try to shake the aggressor, but cannot find it within the darkness. You can only feel its toxin, the sting slowly numbing your body.

Then it hits like the tide surging over the breakwater, the realization that the pain is coming from within yourself. It is not an outside entity - that would be too easy. It is one of those inner demons that you have learned to suppress...only this time, you cannot fight its lingering effects.

The feeling had been with her since last night, waking up – alone in bed that was _theirs._ Her fiancée a world away, chasing his past, a ghost that always haunted him, and because of that, always haunted her. She tried to repress the fear with all the other doubts that so often clouded her mind. This wasn't the time, not to imply... there actually _was_ a right time.

What did she honestly hope to gain by looking through Rinoa Heartilly's medical records? Well, beside scientific evidence that the person she so often felt unfounded resentfulness towards, was actually once a living human being. Not just that romantic ideal she measured herself to each and every day.

What made it worse, and a far greater betrayal of both personal and ethical bounds, was she had brought this work back to her home. _Their home._ The place where her and Squall lived the past years, had made love, and hell, he had even proposed to her in this very living room. Not the most romantic gesture, but something done with little words and fanfare, much like their entire relationship.

In the last several days she had enough of manila envelopes, confidential files, and red tape to last her through her entire career. She had not gone to medical school for this, but then again, medical school didn't turn out as she once had planned. Carefully she removed the contents that had been delivered via an expressed messenger; Laguna's speed in this entire matter was nothing if not efficient. Maybe that should have been another clue that she was somehow shielded from reality, much like most of her life.

There it was, clinched within her finger's grasp, a lifetime condensed into the contents of a solitary folder. From Rinoa's infancy to sealing – doctor's visits, inoculations, it was every detail of her medical history. All the information Elise had requested, and then some she hadn't figured that Esthar would release without a small military conflict. Now within her possession, was the first year of data pertaining to _'the subject Sorceress Heartilly' _from after the initial sealing - including the monitoring of her body temperature, to the constant rhythm of her heartbeat.

It felt as if within the blink of an eye, or the shifting sands of the hourglass, that the hands of time had marched forward. How much time had passed, how many minutes had slipped into memory? Elise leafed through the records once again, wondering what in the hell she was supposed to gain from all this. What great mystery was she honestly hoping to unravel? What Rinoa's blood type was? How tall she was at six-years-old? None of the history was relevant...it was just that, _history_.

She randomly grabbed another sheet from the folder; this one fully detailed the history of all of her immunizations. Wonderful, now Elise was fully aware that Rinoa had been vaccinated against the chicken pox. Put that one down as medical marvel of great insight. She sighed in frustration, what in Hyne's name had she hoped to accomplish by this? Well, unless you count the fact she could safety expose Rinoa to the Trabian strain of measles, Estharitis A and B, Rubella, and Diphtheria.

Even after she saw the report, it took her brain a moment to process the information she had just read. Something about that seemed – _wrong._ Very wrong. She had done enough immunizations within her career, on children no less, to know if something didn't fit into the norm. There definitely had to be a clerical error on this summary report - not that it wasn't implausible to have a mistake, just in a country so secretive and record orientated as Esthar... It just seemed anything involving this particular 'subject' would be treated with the utmost proficiency.

Could such a blatant move of careless record keeping be probable? It seemed improbable, but right now, it was the only lead she had. Even if it was a transcription error, one letter out-of-place, in the otherwise typical file of a seventeen- year-old born into her era. It was such a simplistic mistake - the letter _B_.

Seven years ago, Estharitis was a common immunization given to school-aged children around the globe. The vaccines were required for decades, encompassing both the sovereign reigns of Vinzer Deling and Sorceress Adel. A second strain was officially recognized after the revitalization of Estharian relations following the defeat of Ultimecia.

It was believed, after the first Lunar Cry, and Esthar's self-imposed isolation, that something caused the strain to mutate. Whether from the prior excavation of the Lunatic Pandora's lingering radiation, the digital security system used to project the country's outer façade or a combination of a thousand variables - something caused the transformation. Very small, very slight, but it was large enough to require medical technicians to reformulate the vaccination of the new strain and to vaccinate all those at risk.

The vaccine, then already distributed worldwide, was thereafter labeled for strain "A." Trivial information relatively useless to the layman, but to Dr. Vandermere, it was the difference that could shatter a lifetime.

Rinoa was seventeen on the date of her sealing, and the vaccination wasn't required globally until two years later... There was a slight possibility Esthar might have had a form of the vaccine, injecting the first shot of the series, before the sealing. But the immunization itself is delivered in three separate stages. At most, the sorceress could have only received the 'first' within the few minutes she had before the process, not the six months required to complete the series of three. Rinoa Heartilly could not be fully inoculated against the secondary form; it would be a medical impossibility.

In her rush to grab a more detailed report, she never even felt as her fingernail collided with the table's surface. The distinct snap of a nail registered, before she felt the pain of it breaking well beyond the cuticle. She pulled it off as it were nothing, and honestly, it wasn't - nothing but a dangling nuisance. She looked down, as the blood started to slowly trace the outline of her thumb. The last thing she wanted to do was leave some crimson imprint on Rinoa's records as if some symbolic oath to her betrayal.

This was just all becoming too much, drops of blood, looking into phantom shots, Elise was reaching for something well beyond her grasp, well beyond anyone's grasp... In that moment, she let the blood spread between her thumb and her forefinger, watching the thickness and color change before her eyes like some type of unholy magic. The darker hues appeared in the crevasses that snaked around to form her distinctive fingerprints. She had seen blood so often, too often...

Blood. That was it...she looked down again on the paper. It was a _second typo _stated on the more detailed report. One mistake seemed highly unlikely, but two...never... Something as simple as the drug manufacture. It was noted, by the medical staff, which drug company they used for the injections. The shot for Estharitis "B" had been required two years after Rinoa was sealed, but it wasn't until three years after_ that_ that vaccine was changed from plasma-derived to a synthetic substitute. Her records only coded with the synthetic version.

Something not produced until five years after she was sealed. Not only had Rinoa received the vaccination, she had the _latest_ medical version.

And that numbness from the night before slowly overtook her body. Yet, somehow, in some strange and morbid way...it all made sense. It seemed as if her existence was like a malicious joke, and she would have laughed, if she could. She would have cried...if she could. She would have done anything, had she just found the strength, but all she could do was look at the darkening blood on her fingertips. Again, she found herself facing the same cerebral demons she always had, and what scared her most about this moment, is that somehow...this time, she already knew.

* * *

_"Way to go 'Mr. I'm Sorry It's Classified' you've now earned the title in her mind of the biggest jerk on the planet. Couldn't you have done any better than that? Couldn't you have given any more to the only person in existence you could open yourself fully to? At least so you thought…right?"_

He shook the voice from his mind and cringed as the jostling caused his head to reel back in pain. Squall couldn't believe he had just said that to her…_to her._ She had asked of him calm and nonjudgmental. She wasn't out to hurt him; though at this point after all he had done it was almost surprising she wasn't. She deserved to know something…he was obligated by Garden and by his own fears not to reveal everything. He could give her a better answer though. Not some military fallback that he was sure had been delivered many a time in the house of General Fury Caraway.

With his new resolve in mind, he walked out the door to find her. The rhythmic sound of falling water greeted his ears as he shut the door behind him. Standing under the eave of the door he watched as the beginnings of a rain storm fell nonchalantly to the ground. Turning towards the meadow he saw her standing at the edge of the road, her hands in the lined pockets of her coat and the hood drawn upon her head. He watched as Esperanza bounded out of the grass and bumped her master playfully. Rinoa reached down and ruffled the fur on top of the dog's head. Her head turned just enough to where he could see the smile on her face. And suddenly, everything looked so different.

He had seen it descend from the heavens a hundred times before, never once stopping to think about its worth. In his memories, it was always raining. He was always alone...standing on the edge of ruin, too scared to move toward the future, not brave enough to face the past.

As a boy, Squall Leonhart was waiting for 'Sis' to return, finding his solitude forged among the stone pillars. He would stand there alone, letting the freezing raindrops hit his face, sometimes leaving small mark marks on his face, thousands of little scars, each greater than the one left on his forehead now.

They would find him, they always did. Sometimes it would take minutes...sometimes he could be gone for several hours. He didn't want anyone to notice, yet deep inside, with all the apprehension of a five-year-old...hoped that they would. But for those stolen moments of isolation, he wished he too could fall like the rain. To flow freely into the ocean that he looked at every dawn, every sunset, and at the end of every prayer. Maybe then, he could find her, find the person who had left him and find out why. _"Why?" _Maybe that is what his heart always wanted to know. Maybe the question never changed, only the people from which he was seeking the answers.

In his memories it always rained.

When they sealed Rinoa eight years ago was it hot? Was it cold? It was the goddamned Estharian Desert, but in his memories, the sky lined with threatening clouds, and sheets of rain pounding his face once again. Each carving a scar deeper than any physical wound could ever pierce, one time could not mend. In his life, rain had always embodied all that had been devastating. Every failure, every mistake, every negative moment in his life had been layered by this aquatic tempest within his mind. But this rain...he had never seen rain like this.

It was beautiful.

He could only catch a glimpse of her face, but her posture hadn't changed in all these years...then again, it hadn't been eight years for her. He would have allowed himself to sulk again, mirroring the boy standing against the orphanage pillar, had he not had something so amazing to watch.

This rain was light and beautiful... almost falling as if it was treading on sacred ground. Through breaks in the clouds the rays of sun still shown, giving the moment a surreal aspect...to see a mixture of sun and rain was like catching a glimpse into eternity, and never wanting to be pulled back. Her movements were so free, unlike those he had seen after years of training. Although her coat still restricted her motion, she seemed to enjoy playing with Esperanza.

The dog seemed to be accepting the spring shower with eagerness of young child playing on the first warm day. Or maybe the canine was just glad to capture some of her master's time... or to find out if Rinoa was truly safe from the stranger staying in their home. Maybe the dog had better instincts than he did, hell he was sure the dog had better instincts when it came to something...or someone like Rinoa. All Squall could ever do was hurt, cause pain...maybe they all would have been better off had he found the ability to fall with the rain, to forge with the currents, to bleed into the ocean's tides.

What he would do now to take those words back. To find the strength to tell her everything without that insecurity, that fear of the rejection he had unwillingly befriended as a child. If he could just set all that aside and tell her. Tell her _everything. _But it was not so simple. In his current state he wasn't sure he could handle her reaction. He couldn't handle watching her recoil from him in fear. He didn't want to see the terror in her eyes as she looked into the eyes of a mad man.

He didn't want her to dismiss his embrace as he tried to comfort her when she realized that he was in fact an entirely different person than the one she'd come to know. But it wasn't what she thought. It wasn't that man in the torn photograph lying on the floor with the plastered look of contentment on his face. No, it was far, far worse. It was a man whose delusional mind had stalked her for eight long years, even in death. But yes, he could tell her _something_, she deserved that much, even while he didn't.

He watched the initial shock fill and ebb from her eyes as she turned around and saw him standing there watching her for the first time. Suddenly there was awkwardness and he turned his gaze away from her, ashamed of himself. Not like that was a new sensation for Squall Leonhart in the least.

Rinoa was indeed surprised to see him there. But not in the negative way he had taken it. She was partly confused and partly grateful. Confused as to why he was even bothering, and grateful that he wasn't shunning her completely for her idiotic questioning. Though in a way, she guessed that he realized what a moron she was long before now. Apparently being frozen hadn't ridden herself of that trait. Suddenly fearful of her insecurities and assumptions she forced a smile and tried to focus on some lighter topic of conversation.

She looked at him and then noted the black western sky with a glance. "Looks like there's a pretty big storm coming in huh?"

Squall couldn't help but note the fine mist that gathered on her dark hair making it shimmer like a clear night sky. Even the rain that had plagued his mind and his thoughts for so long made _her_ beautiful. Reluctantly he turned his eyes from her and looked to the sky she had acknowledged. "Yeah, it looks pretty severe." Suddenly the military planner part of his mind kicked into gear. "Do you have a flashlight in case the electricity goes out?"

The young woman thought for a moment and was suddenly embarrassed. Here she was proving once again that she was the 'prepared as always' Rinoa Heartilly. The only person he probably knew who would lose her head if it wasn't attached.

"No." She admitted. "I've got some candles in the kitchen. I think they're still in one of the moving boxes."

"Do you want me to go buy you some flashlights down the street?" He offered.

"No, it's okay."

_"I don't want you to leave. I don't want to be alone. Not again. Even if it's just this, an awkward semi-friendship where I have to overcome these deep feelings for you, for your sake, for my sake. Please, just don't leave right now. I'm not strong enough. Not yet." _

"Really it's okay. I think I have enough candles to light a path if w–…if I need to. Besides it probably won't be that bad. The worst could still miss us."

The drizzle that had been building up on her started to sink in and the cold suddenly wracked her body with a tremulous shiver. "I guess we should head back in." She said, her teeth chattering slightly. "I mean if…if you want to."

He nodded and she turned and waved her arms over her head in an attempt to get Esperanza's attention who had found a very interesting hole in the ground to sniff with a dog's curiosity. She did catch the movement out of the corner of her eye and responded with bounding obedience at the sign from her master to return. Esperanza padded closely behind her friend as the three of them entered the dry confines of the house, where she appeared to rectify the dry indoors with a powerful shake of her damp fur.

The headmaster closed the door behind him and watched as she removed her coat with trembling hands and hung it on the rack beside the door. She was shivering all over.

"Are you okay?" He asked worriedly as her face began to pale slightly.

"Yeah, it's fine." She responded while rubbing her arms vigorously. "I just took a chill that's all. It'll pass."

He suddenly wondered how she could possibly survive a Trabian winter but quickly shook his head of the thought. This was about what he could do _now_ for her. He couldn't allow himself to be sidetracked by idle thoughts or he would never be able to say this to her.

"Rinoa…about what I said before…"

The sorceress shook her head. "No, no it's fine. You were right to say that, it's none of my business." She tried to hide the sadness in her smile. "It really was '_none of my business_' this time, you know, like you used to tell me and everyone else. I'm…I'm sorry I don't know what I was thinking."

"No. Rinoa, listen to me. It was my fault. I'm just…so used to saying that about this it kind of just fell out before I thought about it."

_"I'm ashamed to tell you the truth."_

"It's not that I don't want to tell you…I do…I just... Anyone with knowledge of this outside of Garden is held accountable for receiving the information. I don't want you to get into trouble. And I definitely don't want them finding out you're here."

She nodded slowly. That in fact had been in one of her worse nightmares. However in that particular dream, Squall was leading the charging army that was descending upon her house.

"I will tell you the short version, not because I give a damn about Garden policies…I mean…I do…but not that much…"

_"Not as much as you mean to me."_

"…Hell I don't want to bore you with the long version. There was an accident about six months ago in the training center at Trabia. There were a couple of students going into an area where they had no business going alone without supervision from superior classmates or instructors. I happened to be there at the time when they got into trouble. And well…there was a miscalculation on my part which put all of us at risk. They got out okay, but errors like I had made are looked at with diligent scrutiny even if everyone gets out alive. They are concerned that the situation may present itself in the future when all of those involved are not so fortunate. Basically they want to see if I'm fit to continue being headmaster."

"Everyone makes mistakes." She replied.

_"Hyne knows I've made a few thousand in my lifetime."_

"You shouldn't have to be stripped of your job because you made one bad judgment. They're part of being human. And you are only human…just like they are. They've got to remember what you have done for them, what you have done for the world before. Surely that has to hold more weight than one incident." She was bewildered that they could hold anything against him after what he'd done for the sake of everyone.

"Garden's not been very tolerable of anything during the last few years. If it wasn't for the support and backing that I had from…my friends…they probably wouldn't have even bothered with a trial and instead they'd just have proceeded with the 'kick Headmaster Leonhart to the curb' ceremony."

Support…he was talking about Elise. His support, his strength, his pillar. The one person who was able to ease his mind, his fears. The one who could make him believe in himself. The one who could make him smile. Rinoa felt like an idiot in that moment. Why was she offering comfort and support when he had all he needed back in Trabia! She was trying to do it again. God, she hated herself. She hated herself for the feelings she harbored that wouldn't just go away. She hated herself for the fleeting moments where she thought Squall Leonhart actually _needed_ her in his life.

"It's good you have that support." She said finally, her inner feelings surfacing slightly in the soft cracks of her voice. "You…you always had it…but it was hard for you to just accept it. I'm glad you've come to terms with it…with your friends; that you've finally learned to accept their support, their help, their comfort. It's like I told you all along Squall. You're not alone. You were never…_alone_." She smiled despite the tears that had begun slowly welling in her eyes.

"You…you're the one that showed me that Rinoa." He said with a wavering voice.

"No, I don't think so. I just opened you up to the idea." She chuckled half heartedly. "I was so pushy then. But it was you who found it. Found it within yourself with the help of those people that love you. The ones who could make you laugh; make you smile despite the pain."

He paused, watching as the tremors of her body slowly subside. Wanting nothing more than to hold her and give her warmth, nothing more than to give her comfort. But how could he comfort her when he was the one who caused her the pain to begin with? He knew what…rather whom she was talking about. And that was because he didn't have the nerve to explain to her that things weren't the way they appeared. How could they be? How could she think he'd just forget about her? There were people, his friends, Elise all telling him over the past few years that he needed to move on, he needed to let go of her memory. But all this time, despite all his efforts to appear normal, he had done nothing but spin his wheels in reverse.

And he was so racked with guilt for her and Elise. He didn't want to hurt Rinoa anymore. He couldn't. He didn't think he could live with himself. But he didn't want to hurt Elise either. She had been there for him when everyone else would have just considered him a lost cause with no hope of recovery. He didn't know how to begin to explain how things actually were. It almost felt like the doctor was there standing behind him watching with her arms folded, wearing her professional physician's demeanor. She could never begin to understand, no matter how much he had told her before, that no matter how hard he had tried, not a day went by without him thinking of Rinoa Heartilly. What he had done to her was wrong, it was so wrong, but it was wrong of him to do this to Elise as well.

He looked to the picture lying torn in half upon the ground. He had to tell her, he had to try. Maybe somehow, she could understand.

"It's not like you can tell that with a picture, Rinoa. Only much can be captured, only so much can be documented, parts are only half-truths, they're not real... it's a two dimensional plane captured in a thousand shades of gray."

"No, no you can't." She agreed. Her eyes now spilling the emotions she tried in vain to dam up inside. The level of her frustration with herself had risen until at that point she didn't realize what she was saying until it was too late. "When I saw you together…I saw you laugh…god she made you smile! I…I never did…I wanted to. And to think that I might have ruined that for you! I could have taken that away! Taken away everything I ever wanted you to have! I was such a fool to think…I was such a goddamned fool."

Rinoa covered her mouth and turned away from him, leaving his mind desperately bewildered at her outburst. She had seen them…she had seen them together. When in Hyne's name had he ever been smiling with anyone, _anywhere_ since she had been unsealed? And suddenly it hit him with such a force that it nearly knocked him off his feet. Laguna's voice on the answering machine was the first to register in his mind before a chain of memories blinded him with their blaring force.

_"I know everything happened so fast after…that night."_

The suffocating pressure he felt in that room.

The shooting star hurling across the sky that night.

_"I know…I know. It might help you though, to visit there again. I mean maybe while we're here. I could…go with you if you wanted me to. If you wanted some company."_

_"You…you sure…you would want to do that?"_

_"I'd be right there with you."_

_"Why…Squall Leonhart…is that a smile I see on your face?" _

_"Maybe."_

And then he had kissed her.

_"What's the matter?"_

_"Nothing…I felt the coldest draft just now." The young man shivered again as if to emphasize his point._

_"What? You've got to be kidding me, it has to be 90 degrees in here!"_

_"I know…it was weird."_

"You…" He gasped with astonishment as the flashes of that night receded back into the depths of his memory leaving his eyes to the back of the woman that stood crumpled before him. "You were there…You _were_ there!" He nearly shouted his eyes wide with disbelief.

"Why…why didn't you come to me? Why?" His voice became almost childlike and innocent. All of the pain and torment…it could have ended…it could have ended that night. He…He would have seen to it then. She wouldn't have had to do this all alone…well, without him. After all he had done…did he not even deserve to give back to her? To at least gain some sort of redemption for what he had taken from her? Even though he knew it wasn't possible for him to be fully redeemed even if he lived a thousand lifetimes.

She closed her eyes; it was too late to turn back now. She had unleashed something she had no intention of setting free. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry for what I nearly ruined Squall. I…Going to that graduation dance…I…I had every intention of meeting you there. But I came to my senses. And for _once_ in my life I did _something_ right." Her tears spilled freely in snaking rivulets down her cheeks as she turned to face him.

"You…you didn't even try. We could have talked. I could have helped you!"

_"You could have helped **me**."_


	25. Listen to Your Heart

**_Chapter Twenty-Five: Listen to Your Heart_**

"You… you didn't even try. We could have talked. I could have helped you!"

_"You could have helped **me**."_

"How could you have helped? Squall… it wasn't up to you to help me. You were meant to live your own life, to be your own person. I saw the man you had become…" She could barely choke out the words, but she knew it was for the best. "You – _my friends_… I just couldn't. I just saw how happy everyone seemed."

"How can you base everything on what you saw?" he said exasperated. "Rinoa, you can't judge by sight alone."

"Then what do you expect me to judge by?"

She shivered remembering everything about that night. The way he looked at Elise - he had never looked at her like that. It was a way that she had always wanted him to hold her, to kiss her. It was just a chance that fate had denied.

"I-I... don't know... maybe see what's in your heart," he finally managed. "Rinoa, if you just looked at me with your heart, maybe you could have seen how much **_I_** needed to know you were there."

_"With my heart?"_ What kind of line was that? He was kissing someone else for God's sake. He was finally living the life that he deserved... that was the brutality of what her heart saw.

"Please... it wasn't an easy decision. What you are saying now is a beautiful and idealistic concept, but it isn't reality. I lived reality. Squall, out on the balcony, I saw you smile. I could _never_ get you to smile. You are a different person now. I really don't know you. Honestly, looking back, I'm not sure if I ever truly did. _But Elise does._ She has been there for you. She managed all those things that I wanted, but I-" No, she couldn't say that, it was too hard to admit she had failed.

"**_I_** just wasn't the right person. I couldn't imagine you with someone more perfect. She's beautiful, elegant... There was a presence in the way she moved across the floor that night. She is the opposite of me, she commands attention, not demands it."

What part of the Graduation celebration did Rinoa attend? The part where he drank enough liquor that he could barely find his way back to the hotel room? The part where he snapped at both his fiancée and Cid Kramer for no apparent reason? No, she saw him and Elise on the balcony, smiling and kissing.

The perfect couple.

The irony in the situation almost made him want to laugh. Not a soft chuckle, but that bitter chortle that begins from deep inside, quickly engulfing any trace of sanity. Would now be the right time to mention they were talking about her? The only reason he even smiled was at the thought of seeing her again. Even though that night he knew he would never make it beyond the steps of the Memorial; it was at least the hope that carried him in that moment. And _that _was the only damned reason he smiled.

"Squall, it's not her fault, it's not yours. It's just the way fate decided it was meant to be. You have a wonderful career and you're going to marry someone who cares very deeply for you. It's funny, it didn't take a shooting star to see this; it just took me seeing clearly with my own eyes. For once, just looking at what was best for those around and not looking at myself."

He couldn't make eye contact with her, his heart was defenseless, but his thoughts were all-consuming. Somehow he still refused to believe 'this' was what was best for everyone, or what was best for him. She had no idea what 'reality' was - no damned idea of the nightmares he had faced for so long.

"Squall, back in Esthar, I saw people who for seven years thought I was dead. Part of me realized that's what _Rinoa Heartilly_ needed to be - dead. I saw that the friends I'd made at Garden had moved on. I was just a memory. The months I stayed at Garden felt like yesterday in my mind but that night I saw seven years fast-forward in a single heartbeat. I _was_ a twenty-four-year old walking into a party with the mindset of a teenager. I swear... I thought I could walk up to you and..."

Well, she couldn't say what she had honestly hoped, even now.

"I just wanted one last chance. One last moment of the past before I had to live in the present, but that wasn't possible. I couldn't walk up to you and think that time would miraculously reverse itself. That time I knew we couldn't end up on the dance floor."

"Damn it Rinoa, that would have been my..." He so desperately wanted to say _choice_, although that truth would be unfair to Elise. "_Problem..._ It would have been my problem - if you had shown up that night."

"No Squall, that's what you don't understand. It wouldn't have been just your problem. It would have been everybody's - yours, Garden's, an entire planet that couldn't accept what I had become. _That_ is what I realized. That was the night I realized that Rinoa Heartilly was really just a memory, a bronze plaque engraved on a memorial. My existence was already intruding on the lives Quistis, Laguna, and countless others in Esthar. I couldn't ask any more to sacrifice because of who I am... what I had become."

"Others made sacrifices. We, your friends, could have dealt with it. You denied _them_ of even that chance. We are all adults."

"No, you, Quistis, Selphie, Zell, Irvine, Elise... again, you were the adults. I was still the teenager who has aged a lifetime since then, for better or worse. Over the last months, I have learned more about living than I ever wanted to know. Leaving was a decision I made, one I won't ever regret. It allowed you the one gift that you truly deserved: your own life. To quote an article from a very smart Trabian Headmaster, _'Let my soul rest in peace.'_ What could I have been but a complication that you didn't need? A responsibility that you would feel the need to take care of?"

Take care of? Is that what she thought?

"Squall, it _was _for the best that I left." She defended her position knowing how many lives rested on her judgment. Moreover, balanced on a maturity level that she wasn't positive her mind had achieved. To let go of adolescent whims, no matter how deeply they still ran. To finally understand that the evening that they met could never be recreated, it was only meant to remain perfect in their memories. No, that first encounter was not perfect, it never was... but the memories were. She cherished that fact.

"It was for the best," she whispered, trying to convince herself that she had made the right decision.

_"This is for the best." _

Her stifled words echoed in his head. His mind divided two planes, straddling the lines of the present and the one moment repeated so often in his memories. A palm resting on a translucent prison, a crystalline tear never allowed to fall, words softly spoken before she had the audacity to tell him that she _loved_ him. Even after he had failed her, even after she had lost everything, she had the nerve to say those words to him... nobody should _ever_ say _those_ words to him, especially not her. She couldn't have loved him.

He tried to look her in the eyes, but she immediately shied away. He was breaking down the façade that was ready to collapse into the sand. God, he so badly wanted to reach out, to touch her again, and to subdue that doubt that kept lingering – that she was just a mirage, going to fade back into oblivion. His heart believed she was real, although his head still doubted, he always doubted.

Squall Leonhart couldn't change the past - that was a lesson that Ellone had taught him when he was still a teenager. He could change the present; he could tell her how he felt _now_. Damn it, he didn't have to accept that this time, that her actions were '_for the best_.'

Rinoa had echoed that exact response yesterday, when they were still upstairs, but at that time the words threw him into a wave of nausea. She might have been able to get away from his ire last night, the Headmaster was in no mood to argue, not that he was now. But there was no way in hell that fate would deny him a _third _chance to tell her how wrong one phrase could be, how much pain it could cause. He remembered exactly how he felt, not only in this moment, but in every moment during the last eight years. If only she could see, if only somehow he could bear his soul without ever having to utter a word.

"Not this time... **not this time**!" He repeated with unmatched determination. Memories rose to the surface, erupting in an inner firestorm of pain and confusion

"W-What?" Her body tensed in surprise. Rinoa gathered her willpower, looking him in the eyes, as delicate fingers outlined the Odine band Laguna had given her for security. It was subconscious, it was habit. As much as she tried to convince herself in its untold power, the ring wasn't Griever, and nothing would replace that lost portion of her soul. Right now though, it was all she had.

Rinoa wasn't afraid of him, she never could be, but she was afraid of her own actions. Then again, she deserved so much more fury from him than the restraint he had been showing.

"I said not this time!" He repeated more forceful than any words before. His mind focused in a clarity it hadn't for years as he moved closer. He felt as if his legs were sinking in a pool of quicksand, but this moment was now or never. If he were going to drown in the murky substance, she would at least hear his take on 'what was best' after eight long, painful years.

"You will listen to me, you will stop being so stubborn for once in your goddamned life and listen to_ me_!" He reached out his hand, no longer fighting his need to make physical contact. Before his mind could convince himself that holding her was wrong, his fingers wrapped around her arm, clinging to that one fragment of his sanity that remained... _her._

"Rinoa, who in the hell are you to tell _me _what is for the best? You tried that, and believe me, it didn't work out so well. Whatever you have to say, whatever excuse you are going to stand here and let come out of your mouth... just don't you dare say 'it was for the best,' because _you_ believed it was. You have no right, do you understand me? You have no goddamned right to make a decision for someone else! Not now, not _then_."

_'Then' -_ it was so easily misinterpreted as a few months ago in Esthar and not all those years ago in the desert. God, how he remembered the warmth of her body against his in the Ragnarok's cockpit. Her arms were around him, truly around him... the comfort he so desperately denied in that moment. That was the only 'then' he wanted to truly revisit. It was the only one he wanted to make her realize the consequences of... the decision she made alone, the one she had no right to make. Didn't she see; couldn't she see?

"I… _needed_ you Rinoa." His voice was barely audible now. But his eyes spoke emotions loud and clear. He suddenly felt selfish that he had admitted that to her face. She was right, this just wasn't about what he wanted… what he needed. He tried to correct himself, "I needed you to be all right."

* * *

Her eyes scanned the computerized card catalogue once more, making sure she hadn't missed it in haste. _Cactuar's Day Out, Calm of the Sea, Castles in the Sky... _The story_ 'Calling the Wind' _was not among the books listed in the library. Should that fact honestly surprise her? Would Garden be so careless as to stock a children's book that contradicted everything that they taught?

Every moment she scrutinized the situation more, felt like costly time slipping into oblivion. Although, for the life of her, she couldn't even figure out what was her driving force - what unknown kept her going when by all accounts, she should be seceding from _this_ reality. Maybe it was that sense of urgency that kept her sane, because without it, she honestly didn't know what she was fighting for.

_Who _she was fighting for.

Why did instinct tell her this book was vital? How could a children's fairy tale hold anything she so desperately sought? Honestly, she wasn't sure if there were answers anymore or just another veil of deception hidden behind bureaucracy. It was by hearing a child's fable that she had discovered the relationship between a knight and his sorceress. It was told through innocence, one not scorned with hatred or fear for a sorceress, that the simplest discovery was made. Sometimes it took a leap of faith greater than all your being, and right now she felt as if she was standing at the edge of a cliff.

Elise groaned in aggravation, this was going nowhere. Well, she did know of at least one copy of the book... the little girl. It might be a struggle, and take some convincing. Especially if it was the only memento that she had left of her mother, but maybe she could understand. Maybe sharing something of her mother would be something Annette would understand, and maybe, even appreciate. Right now, it was the only chance Elise had, and she'd be damned if she didn't take it.

* * *

Elise only had to wait a second before the young girl opened the door. "Annette, I'm really sorry to bother you."

"Dr... Dr. Vandermere... Did I do something wrong?" The child looked terrified not used to having Garden staff showing up at her door.

"No, no... not at all sweetie... I was just in the area and wanted to see how your stitches were doing. Is it all right if I take a quick peek?"

"Uh-huh..." The little girl bravely held out her arm. Elise crouched down to her level, carefully removing the gauze before checking the wound.

"Well, that is looking pretty good so far... Is it all right if I come inside and redo the bandage for you?"

"I guess. Sure." The little girl hesitantly stepped to the side allowing the doctor in. Annette tried to smile, but bit her lip nervously. There was something that felt very strange to have the Headmaster's girlfriend in her room. She nervously shifted her weight from one foot to the other as the doctor carefully started to tend to her wounds.

"Annette, I was wondering, do you remember that book you told me about earlier? _Calling the Wind_? Do you happen to still have a copy of that?"

"Of course I do...it was from my mother... Actually, she left it to my sister and I, we share it."

Elise smiled trying to hide her own nerves. She had gone through far worse, why was asking for this feeling like an overwhelming weight?

"Do you think it would be all right with you and your sister if I borrow it for the night? I promise to be very, very careful. I know how much it means to you, to have those memories of your mother."

"My sister is in Balamb taking the field exam. I don't think she would mind... You promise to be careful with it?"

"With my life." Elise finished the bandage, placing her hand over her heart for emphasis.

"Okay. Hang on..." The little girl bounded off into the other room appearing a few moments later with a small hard-covered book. Annette carefully wiped it off, although Elise honestly had seen nothing on it, but still the girl treated the book with the utmost respect. The young cadet firmly held it in her fingers before finally parting with it, little hands trembling with the unknown.

"And Dr. Vandermere..."

"Yes."

"Don't be scared of the sorceress...the one in the book is beautiful - like a princess or something. All she wants to do is be with her knight and not have people scared or hate her. She's really pretty and nice."

"Of course she is... princesses are always 'nice,' but what about the knight's fiancée?" Elise hadn't meant to say the last part aloud, it just slipped.

"Fe-once-ey? I don't think the knight has one of those..." Annette thought hard about that subject. "He does have a _horse_ though!"

"Great." Elise added smiling the best she could muster, "I'll remember that."

* * *

She couldn't help but look at him, her eyes engrossed in something he hadn't meant to divulge, a weakness. Rinoa could not form lucid words in her thoughts, let alone find any to speak. Maybe for a microcosm of a second he had let his guard down. Maybe she saw something deeper than she had allowed herself to see before - his pain, his suffering, **_his _**guilt? Was it possible that somewhere under all of this, he seriously blamed himself for her decision? Was that what his outburst was about?

"Squall…please tell me that you…you don't…" A sudden jarring against the front door cut her statement short and she jumped in alarm.

She looked at the door as the resounding rap on the heavy oak came again. The lingering fear she had held since arriving in Winhill returned. That fear that came with a knock at the door. She gave a sideways glance back at Squall who looked to be in an almost defensive stance with his fists clenched closely at his hips. Turning back towards the door, she summoned up her courage to question the insistent guest waiting outside.

"Who…who is it?"

"It's just your friendly neighborhood meals-on-wheels delivery service…well actually meals-on-creaking knees and arthritic feet prone to gout…but who the hell wants to be politically correct about _that_?"

The young woman tried to keep the sigh of relief from exiting through her lips. "It's Maude." She said more to herself than to Squall as she walked to the door to greet the older woman. Fortunately for him, Rinoa didn't see the scowl that formed on his face at the mention of the name, nor did she hear the slight sigh of loathing that exited his lips immediately after.

Maude McCay gave the sorceress a warm and cheerful smile as the door opened before her. She held a lidded pot out between them into the doorway. Rinoa returned the smile, masking all of the lines of hurt and pain in her face.

"How are you Maude?"

"You're just being polite young lady. I've been around too long. You really don't want to know the answer to the question, unless you pencil me in for the rest of the evening." The older woman gave a lingering stare to the man standing in the living room. "And I can see you have better things to do than hang around me tonight."

_"Not really."_ Rinoa sneered under her breath. "I mean, please come in... you're not interrupting anything..." All right that might have been the understatement of the year, but it was obvious Squall didn't want to honestly talk about this. Hell, when did he ever want to talk about anything? She would give him her blessing, if that is what he sought, if that is what this pilgrimage was about. He could marry whomever he wanted, she never expected him to feel any guilt. Being sealed was_ her_ decision... how dare he take the one noble thing away in her life and turn it into some personal quest for redemption.

Once again she fingered the ring around her neck seeking solace that she wouldn't bring the walls in around them and bury Squall's past, her future, and an innocent bystander beneath the rubble. She was actually relieved to see Maude; the old woman's timing seemed to always keep that consistent impeccability. Her hands shook tremulously and she knew she would have to get this under control. She had learned in Esthar that above all else it was anger and rage that sent sorceresses spiraling out of control. She could feel it ebbing through her when Ultimecia had control of her body. Blessings became curses and compassion became wrath. She wouldn't allow it to control her, and for the moment she allowed herself to step away from her conflict and focus on someone completely different. A person that had helped to bring meaning back to her life and associated her with nothing else but kindness.

"Can I get you something to drink?" She offered, pleading for an excuse to get out of the room if for just a moment.

"No, no dear. I don't have time. But thank you. I just wanted to drop off a pot of soup I had simmering at the house. Earlier I offered Mr. Personality an invitation for the both of you for dinner this evening." She quipped while motioning towards Squall. "He declined, so, well…I'm delivering." Maude handed the pot to Rinoa.

"Oh thank you so much. You shouldn't have." Rinoa grasped the container in her hands. "I'm sorry…he didn't say anything about talking to you." She gave the headmaster a daunting glare out of the corner of her eye.

"Now you can't go blaming him Renee sweetheart. He is a man after all. A man will turn down a free seven course meal if he has something more pressing on his mind." She gave the other woman a wink. Rinoa felt the blush creep up from her neck once again as she looked quickly away at something seemingly distracting on the wall. She tried to quickly steer the subject in a different direction.

"What is this Maude?" She asked looking down at the pot. "It smells wonderful."

"Ah." The old woman said proudly. "That my dear is my award winning, never duplicated, Catcherpillar chowder! It has been dubbed by the townspeople of Winhill 'a soup so damn good you'll smack your mama.' Yeah…I think it went something like that. You know, I don't get to make this often. It's only when someone manages to kill one of those ugly bastards when they creepy crawl into town. It just so happened one of them decided to saunter in to Lucky's barn. And well…you know the last thing anyone sees when they try to cross in to my baby's territory don't you lumpy?" She grinned widely at the headmaster who half grunted in response. Rinoa tried to control the giggle that suddenly surfaced from her throat.

Squall internally rolled his eyes. He didn't think it was possible for that woman to be any more annoying. But she appeared to be determined to prove that assertion wrong with each and every encounter. The old bag had the worst timing possible. For the first time he felt like they were actually getting somewhere, then she had to come and stick her nose where it didn't belong. If she just insisted on fixing him a decent dinner, maybe he could show her how to filet and quarter that damn chocobo of hers. The thought of insect soup made him ill. Though he kept this queasy anger beneath a cool façade he'd built over the last two decades. Nothing betraying save a slight clench of his left fist.

"I really hope you enjoy it. Like I said, it's a very rare treat for special occasions…which…if I may say…this seems to be indeed. I was going to make you something really boring like potato or chicken soup. But you know Lucky doesn't have that namesake for nothing…he always seems to come through in the clutch."

She smiled wistfully before glancing at her watch.

"Well I won't keep you kids any longer; I just wanted to drop that off before I turned in for the evening. And I wanted to make sure you had the house all secure. Because it looks like one doozy of a storm is headed this way. The radio has been chattering and squawking about it all day. All the different warnings and what not going off, buzzing like June bugs. Do you have everything you need in case the power goes out?"

"Yeah we'll be fine. I really appreciate the meal Maude. I haven't really had a chance to think about food." The young woman said.

Maude grabbed the door handle as she turned and then smiled widely over her shoulder at Squall. "Yes, I can certainly see why. Call me if you need anything alright?" She didn't wait for a response as she closed the door behind her with a wave leaving both occupants stunned and speechless in the now silent house.

The young woman sighed and looked down at the container she was holding. She wasn't ready to dive back into the heated conversation they were having even though there were answers she still needed. Right now she was tired, her head ached, and for the first time that day she was noticing her hunger.

"Look, I think we should just sit down and pretend to relax for a few minutes. I could really use some food and I'm sure you could too. I'll go get some bowls and utensils in the kitchen, just…go have a seat at the table alright?"

He nodded. Though his longing to continue their conversation, the answers he desperately sought fell back a little at her retreat not to mention his fatigue and the remaining consistency of his headache.

He sat down at the table with the nerves of a teenager meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. Squall found himself drumming his fingers idly on the waxed wood surface. He tried to clear his head of everything, an impossible task he knew, but for a few moments he just desired peace…peace with her. His mind wouldn't let him however and his thoughts suddenly turned to the last time he sat down at a table for a meal. There was a pain in his heart as he thought of Elise. He thought of the taste of the vodka as it burned its way down his throat. The dryness in his mouth suddenly became very noticeable and unconsciously he licked his lips.

His hands began trembling again with need for that temporary solution to the permanently fucked up mess he was. Elise had cried for him so many times. Squall wasn't supposed to see it. But he did. He had put her through so much in their time together. And now, because he couldn't face her, she was probably teetering off the deep end and preparing to lead a search party to Winhill to find him. Now he was bringing all of this to Rinoa. It seemed to him that it was all so much easier when he didn't allow anyone to get close. Everyone who did seemed to be sucked through the vortex into the slow burning hell he resided in.

_"No one needs you Squall Leonhart,"_ he thought bitterly to himself_. "You'd be doing the world a favor if you would just wink out of existence and undo all the mistakes you made."_


	26. Without Warning

_**Chapter Twenty-Six: Without Warning **_

Early in life you learn that there is no easy way out of it. You can't undo, you can't trade, and no amount of wishing will change anything. It is the same with time. You can't get it back, and you can't move it forward. One maniacal sorceress even tried to compress it, but neither Squall nor Rinoa thought that even _Ultimecia _could have escaped the horror that sat on the table in front of them. Squall and Rinoa wished they could move quickly past the consumption of the steaming bowls of consommé in front of them.

It smelled like chowder… but it certainly didn't look like it.

Rinoa just wasn't expecting it to be green. Yes, she had heard Maude when she said it was made out of a Caterchipiller. That statement actually didn't faze her. The young sorceress was brought up in a society where it was impolite not to at least try a food someone else offered. There were many exotic foods she was exposed to, and she had found that at least eight times out of ten she actually liked something that at first glance looked completely disgusting.

This however, was _very_ different. It was thick, green, and chunky. Several different kinds of chunks at that…she could see pieces of exoskeleton and that piece floating at the top corner of her bowl resembled what looked like an antennae. This was pushing her stomach to the extreme.

Squall didn't know where to start. He tried to think of a way to ease the inevitably horrid taste that was about to explode in his mouth. The headmaster tried to deduct whether it was better to drink all of his water first so he would fill up faster or if he should wait until after he ate the soup before downing the entire glass to wash the flavor away and keep himself from throwing up. He knew his stomach shouldn't be turning at the sight of this garbage. It wasn't becoming of a headmaster of a military facility. In the field they were trained to eat for survival. SeeDs consumed what was available, be it the flora or the fauna of the given area. He decided to suck it up and take this like the man he supposedly was as he dipped the spoon into the thick substance and shoved it into his mouth without anymore hints of reservation.

Years of intense military training were quickly being pushed to the brink of sanity.

* * *

There was always something haunting about his eyes, something seemingly desperate. Elise had tried to find what was locked behind them, the secrets buried underneath their fiery surface. The truth was maybe he, himself, didn't know. He was always searching for answers to questions that he had never asked. Questions that he didn't even know existed. Yet the answers were always there - obscured in the fragments of his past. He just didn't know where to look, he couldn't have. But somebody did. Somebody had always known the truth.

As much as she wanted to blame Cid Kramer and the entire Garden system for Squall's demons, she knew they were only doing what was deemed in his best interest. If you could say anything was to be in his 'best interest.' Would his state of mind have improved in knowing that he was a sorceress' knight? Or would the fact that it was labeled his 'duty' to protect Rinoa have made his self imposed damnation even worse? But by shielding him from the truth, did Garden also do irreconcilable damage? Maybe the damage had already been done years before; they were only trying to keep him from the last irreversible step.

Still in her mind, it was surreal to think that her fiancé was a knight, a fabled hero in countless tales. It felt like a cruel joke. It might have been romantic, albeit tragic, if she hadn't been the third player in this saga. But right now all she could believe was that this whole thing was twisted and sick. As much as he needed _not_ to know the truth, he needed to know the truth even more.

He wasn't well. She had always known it, but she also believed she could help him, could save him from himself. Most of the time he appeared perfectly normal, but there was always something he was hiding. It was that truth he was closely guarding behind the surface of his eyes. A part of him always had been missing; he was always searching for something greater. Maybe someday he could find it, maybe he never would. Their relationship was his attempt at normalcy, to fight all the questions he didn't know how to ask - to the answers that sought him out while he slept. When everything inside of him was telling him to dive back into the darkness, he tried to hold onto that sliver of light.

He had overcome his nightmares enough to move forward, trudging through the everyday monotony of life. He held his job and his place among his friends, though his mind had always wanted him to retreat, to simply give in. He had held onto her, through the nightmares and demons. Through that final moment when he betrayed his own mind and asked her to marry him.

But the one thing that he couldn't hold on to was that piece of him that was missing - the piece that had been sealed away in Esthar. _Her._ It was never about a physiological failure, rather something far more basic, his duty. The same military code of honor he had been raised in since early childhood. He failed in his _duty_ to Rinoa. No years of the therapy or medication could ever erase that. As a doctor, Elise doubted that he would ever regain that part of himself, even if Rinoa was unsealed. It was too far embedded into his psyche to completely fade. She had missed far too much of life, and he would always accept the blame without any questions.

Maybe though, it could subside. That was all she could hope for right now - that maybe someday he would find some sort of inner peace. Elise had gone into medicine to help people, but the reality was, she had always been searching for help herself. A validation to a life and decisions that she often questioned. Her own failures engulfed her at times. Squall Leonhart would _not_ be another one of her failures. He was something more and maybe he was the hope for both of them. Even if he wasn't going to be in her life, he would always remain a vital part of it.

Elise decided she would do everything within her power and study. She would learn about something that she as a doctor dismissed. It wasn't based on science, rather on a concept that she couldn't comprehend. Magic was always volatile; she liked to deal with absolutes. She committed to the idea that would teach him about his duty if that would save him from himself, maybe she could help him yet. That is why she had gone into medicine in the first place, now she had to remember those ideals.

She doubted even Rinoa knew about the connection between a sorceress and her knight. It appeared the young woman had gone to great lengths to keep her anonymity, though the doctor could hardly blame her. Officials in Esthar had to have known, which consequently led her to believe that Laguna had to have known. As a psychiatrist she realized this simple fact would not go unnoticed by Squall. His estranged father had been keeping something like this; Rinoa had always been the central part of the questions consuming him. It was already an unstable relationship - this might have been the final betrayal. Hell, even she had spoken to Laguna several times. Everything became painfully obvious in retrospect.

In her hands Elise held the borrowed copy of '_Calling the Wind.'_ The young doctor skimmed through the discolored pages, which had aged with time and wear. The book was fairly small, highlighted by a few water-colored illustrations. The drawings appeared older, they could have been done ages ago, but the copyright was issued only in the last quarter century. She flipped through the pages finally stopping at a picture of the sorceress. She wore a flowing gown with a high waist, something inspired by Centra's Renaissance period. At least there was one thing she could tell Annette when she returned the book, the sorceress _was_ beautiful.

She continued on to find a picture of the knight, and he did have a horse just as the little girl said. A majestic white stallion, of course... Could have it been any more cliché? A dashing hero mounted upon an animal that now bordered on the edge of mythic. A fairy tale in itself now long vanished from the world… much like the knight and sorceress portrayed in this book. His clothing was also indicative of the forgotten era, a tunic, gauntlets, and a shield depicting his coat of arms. Still, there was a familiarity about this book she couldn't shake. She might have read other stories by Mareé Drake. Maybe as a child she had read others in the series. That is, if this was part of a series. She would run an internet search on the author later. Right now she had to find the courage to read the book and hope it held some of the answers she was searching for.

* * *

Dear God it was worse than he imagined.

His first reaction was to spit the slimy chunk out across the table then run and shove his head under the kitchen faucet drinking water until his stomach burst, until he was rid of this horrible concoction that slid down his throat. Squall however showed none of this inner turmoil to the woman sitting across from him. He would, without any hesitation, endure the fires of hell for her. Heaven knows he had done enough for that he could never make up for already. He didn't want to add more anguish by hurting her feelings telling her that her only friend in Winhill had the culinary skills of a Malboro. Even though he could hardly stand to be in the same room with Maude McCay, she did seem to mean a lot to Rinoa. And that was enough to endure this soup… that was no doubt served as an appetizer in one of the lowest levels of hell.

Rinoa however, wasn't wearing her poker face quite as well. How could anyone stomach this shit? Dear God in heaven she loved Maude like a family member, but Rinoa didn't think she could tell her friend that this chowder was actually delicious with a straight face. She swallowed with difficulty, bowing her head and closing her eyes tightly. It bordered on the line of actually being painful to eat. After drinking half of her glass of water she glanced at Squall, he couldn't be enjoying this, could he?

He was virtually a stone statue with a set expression. His eyes betraying nothing as he took another bite from his spoon and chewed as if it was nothing. His gaze was cast downward to the bowl as he focused on the task at hand. If he was having trouble eating, that fact was lost on her. The young woman did her best to compose herself. She wasn't going to draw his attention by acting like a spoiled child this time. Of course, she had done it to him before, back when she was young and stupid.

_That_ Rinoa however, was long gone. At least… she wasn't that young anymore. The way she behaved back then… it was no wonder he could never stand being around her. Here was the same man she saw eight years ago, with a virtually unchanged maturity about him. Not because he was still immature, but because he had disciplined himself and reached that maturity by the time he was seventeen. She had never appreciated that before. The fact was, she never spent a lot of her time noticing him, not until that extremely short duration of time before she was sealed. She finally saw part of what was underneath, she saw a glimpse of his potential. But did she ever spend any of her time just seeing him for who he truly was?

It was almost an adolescent game to her back eight years ago, a childish version of cat and mouse. She spent so much time trying to get him to take notice in her. It wasn't as if she spent her teenage existence thinking about her appearance, but it wasn't like she was not influenced by it either. Now the harsh reality remained - how much time had she spent truly noticing him? His persona was a dream, an ideal, a seemingly perfect package of morality shrouded behind the unknown.

In short_, he was a challenge_.

Rinoa Heartilly was always willing to accept confrontation head on, just ask Caraway. That is, if one could, but even that chance of reconciliation had been buried next to her mother. She would have cried, if she could, but not in front of Squall... and certainly not for a man who probably never shed a tear at her fate.

She forced another spoonful of 'chowder' to her lips, breathing through her mouth, trying to curtail the rancid taste. It wasn't working; a fifth of vodka wouldn't mask the flavor. How in the hell was she supposed to keep this down? It was unnatural to see sliced pieces of Caterchipiller thorax floating next to chunks of potatoes and carrots. She was twenty-five now, not that feeble teenager. For God's sake, after everything she had endured, this damn soup was _nothing_.

The young sorceress gagged as the liquid equivalent of Blobra excrement, painfully slid down her throat. It took all of her willpower to keep her dignity intact along with the contents of her stomach. A natural gag-reflex took over and she started choking. Not to mention the fact that she was positive that there was a section of giant insect antenna lodged between her teeth. It was all she could do to reach for her glass of water, chugging the remaining half of its contents in one swift motion.

So much for refined etiquette, she should have been honored to have a person of his stature dinning with her. In her mind, she should have been able to prepare a four-course meal. He was the Headmaster of Trabia Garden and probably was accustom to more than insect chowder or a microwave dinner. And here she was still the common adolescent, living off of the charity of others. With a set of olive-green plastic bowls older than her and mix and match set of silverware leftover from a defunct tavern. There was something so ironic about this picture; something that would have made her laugh, if she hadn't want to breakdown from her weakness.

"Are you okay?"

She looked up to meet his concerned gaze. She was so caught up in her thoughts she had almost forgot that she had lost her composure and choked in front of him. The young woman had to think quickly to cover for this.

"Yeah I'm fine," she rasped. "Just went down the wrong way."

Rinoa coughed again partly for emphasis she had been momentarily 'strangled' and partly because it still felt like that piece of antennae was scratching at the back of her throat. She attempted to draw the attention away from herself. "You need anything?"

"No." He muttered as he took another bite of Caterchipiller gruel. He had been willing his military training to take over. To complete a task without question, without objection, without showing any sign of weakness.

Awkward silence filled the room again. She felt her eyes begin to water, the taste in her mouth made a slow queasy bee-line for her already reeling stomach. It was too much and the willpower had vanished beneath the tortured cries of her digestive system. Glancing at the empty glass in front of her the sorceress had all she could stand. She left the table with the fanfare of a herd of elephants, nearly tripping over herself and knocking the spoon from her bowl as she stumbled for the kitchen.

The bits of soup that were flung from her spoon formed a pattern against the faded floral wallpaper as it descended like a slow moving, olive colored avalanche. Rinoa didn't notice as she focused on the one salvation to save her from this culinary nightmare. Knowing she had no time to be civil enough to fill up another glass she jerked the kitchen faucet on and ducked her head into the cascade of water that fell into the sink below.

Initially most of the liquid missed her mouth as she struggled for position under the tap. It was freezing cold and already her body began to tremble but she didn't care, her mouth needed cleansing from that horrid poison. Silently she wondered how anyone could develop a taste for the soup. Hell someone starving on the brink of death would have to choke on this stuff and consider the alternative.

When she felt that she had downed about a gallon of water she gathered one more mouthful, swishing it around to cleanse her teeth of any stray insect chunks and spit it into the drain. Rinoa sighed with relief as she brought her head up from the depths and brushed her hair aside. Her relief quickly turned to shock and embarrassment as she turned to see Squall staring at her with a wide eyed gaze.

"_God he must think I've completely lost it."_ She thought as the blush crept up her neck and into her cheeks in a scarlet display of shame and the water dripped from her bangs and face with complete abandon to the linoleum floor.

"I'm s-sorry," she stammered. "It was just so, so awful! I couldn't stand it anymore, I know this…this is very uncivilized and inexcusable…I'm sorry for my outburst, I hope you're not too offended. I'm sure this isn't something you're used to seeing at dinner in Trabia. I…"

"Are you done with that?" He interrupted as he pointed to the still running tap of water.

"Oh…yes I'm sorry I forgot to turn it of–"

"No, please, don't bother." He said quickly as he stopped her hand gently with his own and dove into the water face first drinking in long steady gulps. The young woman was taken aback in surprise and remained slack jawed until he had brought his head back out of the sink, turned the water off, and brought his gaze back to her. Water dripped from the hair that hung over his face. She could barely see his eyes beneath as he used the back of his hand to wipe the excess water off his mouth.

It was then that she burst out laughing.

Squall brushed the locks of damp hair from his eyes and looked at her. She was doubled over with her arms around her sides, until he found it hard to control the corners of his mouth and the chuckle that rose threateningly in the back of his throat. Soon he couldn't hold it any longer and his laughter fell from his lips intertwining with hers.

"It…it was terrible wasn't it?" She managed between gasps.

He smiled at her. "Terrible doesn't begin to describe it." The headmaster reached over to the counter grabbing the dish towel and handing it to her. Rinoa wiped her face and handed it back to him, still unable to control her laughter.

"Thank you." She said as she watched him use the towel to wipe the water off of his own face.

"No problem." He responded, placing the towel back on the counter.

They were both relieved with each other's admission, and it made the situation all the more humorous. Both of them were trying so hard not to hurt the other's feelings. Now here they stood both revealing their truth, and it was quite possibly a universal truth. Caterchipiller chowder was the worst soup in creation, if not the worst food. For a few moments they shared a laughter that neither of them had in a very long time.

"You looked so calm Squall, I thought you were enjoying it."

"No. That was the worst thing I'd ever tasted…I didn't want to hurt your feelings by putting your friend's cooking down."

"God knows I love her. But the next time she brings that over, I will hand that pot back to her and slam the door!" She giggled. "I just thought it was something maybe you're used to eating. I'm sure you have to go to banquets and business dinners."

"We usually have hotdogs."

They both laughed again.

"Well I don't have any hotdogs. I do have peanut butter and jelly." She offered.

"That sounds fantastic."

Squall helped her prepare some sandwiches after they had dumped the pot of soup out the back door. Apparently it was something that even Esperanza wouldn't touch. When they had finished they sat down to dinner once more and had a much more enjoyable experience.

For a while, everything else was forgotten as they talked of the past and the fond memories of their journey with their friends, as few and far between as they were. As well grounded as Squall Leonhart was however, it was Rinoa who first brought herself harshly back to reality.

"That reminds me of the time two years ago when Zone, Watts and I had to go undercover to get supplies in Deling," she laughed. "You should have seen Zone he was dressed up like a–." She stopped herself as she saw the saddened expression on Squall's face. Her heart fell as she realized what she said and the sudden storm of actuality came roaring back.

"Oh…that…that wasn't two years ago was it? I'm sorry I guess I still have trouble with the time lapse. Everything seems consistent and ageless in my memories…but its not." The weight of it all crashing down upon her as the tears formed and the sadness fell faster around her than the laughter she had felt earlier.

Squall gingerly began reaching across the table to her, unsure of what he could possibly say to comfort her, to comfort himself. Because of him, she had no comfort from the past, only a chasm of emptiness between now and her old life. Though he didn't fully realize how much that chasm was his own.

"Rinoa…"

"I'd better clean up these dishes," she said as she stood and wiped furiously at her eyes while keeping her face turned from him. The young woman gathered up the glasses and plates and took them quickly into the kitchen.

He rose from his chair to follow her when he caught a glimpse out of a nearby window. The sky was darkening at a rate too quick for dusk. He saw high black clouds boiling and swallowing the remainder of the day. The young man watched in awe at the spectacle trying to recall if he had ever seen a storm move in like this. It looked unnatural, almost otherworldly as it moved towards Winhill like a September wildfire.

They needed to prepare.

He walked quickly into the kitchen reaching for her as he spoke. "Rinoa I think we should get some flashlights and candles, there's a storm headed this way."

He'd barely got the words out before the sky flashed and thunder shook the walls of the house, rumbling through the two of them. Rinoa yelped and dropped the plate she was cleaning. It shattered against the floor scattering pieces of glass everywhere. She stumbled backwards and fell into him. He caught her and helped her steady herself. Squall felt the fear in the grip she had on his arm though the expression on her face remained unseen. He looked down at the top of her head for a few moments while she remained completely still.

"Are you okay?"

His voice brought her out of it. Shakily she let out the breath she'd been holding and looked to see her wet suds soaked hand wrapped tightly around his arm. She quickly released him and brushed herself off. The young woman turned and forced an uneasy smile.

"Yeah, it just startled me, that's all."


	27. Brace Yourself

_**Chapter Twenty-Seven: Brace Yourself **_

Rinoa shakily began picking up the pieces of the broken dish, placing the pieces into the towel in her left hand. Squall started to kneel down and help her when Esperanza padded into the room to alert them of her own urgency. The dog yipped spun around in the doorway. This was the second time today her master had neglected her duties of taking her outside. She was beginning to become annoyed with the stranger that had been consuming all of the girl's time. Regardless of the connection she felt between the two humans she didn't feel that her own personal call of nature duties should be very well forgotten.

The canine panted happily as she saw she had gained their attention. Their eyes now focused completely on her and not each other for a change. She felt the need to bark to stress the urgency again, just in case the message was lost in translation to their human tongues.

"I'm sorry girl," Rinoa sighed as she stood up. "I forgot you again didn't I?"

Esperanza bounced quickly over to the front door, her nub of a tail wagging furiously with the lower half of her body.

Squall gently grabbed the young woman's arm as she started to follow her four-legged companion. The response she felt was automatic. The sensation sent electric chills through her core making her breath catch and her pulse quicken. It had happened so often in the past twenty-four hours she wondered why she had not become used to the contact. Mentally she shook the thought from her head as his words brought her back to reality.

"I can take her," he said. "We need to get some candles and flashlights to keep close by. Do you know where you can find some?"

"Yes," she nodded. "I think so. I'll go check upstairs."

"Alright…are you sure you're okay?" Her face had lost more of its color he saw upon observation. And though he grabbed her partly out of his own longings to touch her again he also noted that she was faintly trembling.

"I'm fine." She looked at him and forced a small smile of reassurance. "But I don't think Esperanza will be for very much longer…or the front door for that matter."

The headmaster looked to the door where the dog was now pawing frantically at the heavy oak that blocked access to the outdoors. She had decided that if they were not going to help her, then she was going to damn well help herself.

Squall began walking toward the door and gave Rinoa a quick nod over his shoulder. "I'll be right back."

"Okay." She managed faintly. The truth was, a deep seated almost primal fear was beginning to resurface in her mind. One that she thought long dead now shook the sleep from its horrid eyes and began the slow climb up to clench her heart in terror. Right now she was scared to death to be left alone.

"Please hurry back," the sorceress whispered faintly as the door was pulled shut behind Squall's exiting form. Just as much as she found herself getting used to his touch, she also knew each time he walked out the door, it could mark the last time with him. He was going to return to his life, his command, it was inevitable. She found herself subconsciously looking out the window for just a moment, and then a moment longer. Seeing him leaving was something she would have to face and that would draw of every ounce of willpower she ever had. Rinoa suddenly realized that he had told her to do something and she wracked her anxious brain to remember what it was.

The headmaster stepped out the front door as Esperanza bounded through the street on her way to her self proclaimed toilet. The dust boiled up from her feet as she raced across the earthy stone pavement. Squall sighed wearily and broke into a jog to catch up with her. The dog darted ahead. Ducking under the fence and out of sight quicker than his eyes could follow, her mother's genes shining through in a blur of black fur. He was glad for the fact that she was hurrying but concerned with letting her get out of his sight. He wasn't too keen on getting caught in the coming downpour while she was entertaining the idea of chasing rabbits or something dog-like.

"Hey! Esperanza!" He called after her. He nearly blushed shortly after the words left his mouth at his stupidity once again. Though how exactly were you supposed to call a deaf dog that displayed nothing but its south end to you as it kept running blissfully unaware?

A low rumble quaked in the sky and he decided to pick up his pace. Squall reached the fence before he had the sense of déjà vu send a wave of pain through his bruised head. Looking around he found a semi-decent stick of wood that could do in a pinch to defend himself against that damned bird he so desperately wanted to stuff into a feathered pillow.

Carefully he hoisted himself on the bottom rail and straddled the fence positioning himself before hopping over to the other side. He scanned the area around him not necessarily looking for a sign of the dog…but the sign of the immediate canary yellow threat. Thankfully he was nowhere to be seen. That however gave him little comfort and he was reminded of the penalty of dulled senses with every painful throb of his head.

The headmaster waded through the wild flowers turning to look behind him every few seconds while cursing Esperanza's need to drag him through this agonizing feeling of déjà vu. He'd be damned if that stinking bird got him twice in forty-eight hours. Though that Mohawk of plumage that perked like a predatory shark's fin was nowhere to be seen, he knew better than to let his guard down however.

Squall finally spotted Esperanza nosing around at the edge of the grove of pear trees…where he first saw _her_. He swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to shake off the heavy feeling of apprehension that suddenly seemed to surround him. Glancing up to the sky he saw the dark clouds churning like black smoke off of a cauldron of the darkest pitch. The storm was upon them. The wind hit him in the face and he watched as the petals of some of the more fragile flowers were violently ripped from their stems, whisked away to parts unknown…left alone to wither and die. Squall stayed these thoughts from his mind as he looked through the maelstrom of petals and saw the dog trotting towards him.

He began a hurried walk towards her, his mind screaming at him, telling him they needed to leave this area now. He held a hand out towards her to beckon the canine to him when suddenly something reached from the sky to grab her first. A bolt of lightning shot from the sky only a few feet away. It hissed with hot electric noise, plunging into the ground to run along its conductive pathways. Unfortunately for Esperanza she had stepped into the line of its conduit. Fast as the dog was she could not move faster than the speed of light. She yelped in pain and surprise as the electricity surged up through her foot. Instinct took over and she did the only thing she knew to do to escape the pain. She ran.

"Damn it!" Squall cursed as he watched the dog leap completely off the ground and then take off like a shot as soon as she hit. The lightning exploding so close to them had knocked him off his feet in the sudden panic. Apparently the electricity had done little more than frighten her, though if he couldn't find her soon they could both be in trouble. An instant later the thunder ripped through the sky reverberating through the core of his being. It nearly took his breath. This storm would prove that the vast powers of nature could make even the most fearless of creatures tremble with dread.

* * *

Rinoa stood in the kitchen rummaging through the box she'd brought down from her bedroom. She managed to find a couple of small candles and a book of matches before the light flashed blindingly outside. The thunder boomed and rocked the foundation as if Quetzalcoatl himself were standing outside pounding on her front door demanding entry. With her gut instinct taking over she dropped everything and cowered against the cabinet like a trapped animal gripping the drawer handle as if it were the only protection she had.

Suddenly a panic greater than the storm gripped her as she remembered Squall and Esperanza were still out there. Jerking herself up on her feet she pulled the drawer out in her rush sending silverware crashing to the floor. The sorceress cursed at her clumsiness and the extra shock to her system. The silverware and her own deep seated fears would have to wait however. She had to make sure they were all right. Rinoa Heartilly would be damned if a storm would take anyone else from her ever again.

The wind whipped her in the face as she ran out into the street haphazardly leaving the door unlatched behind her. The fear continued to rise with each gasp of air her lungs took, each tremulous beat of her racing heart. She looked for any sign of them as she ran towards Maude's flower fields. That was where Esperanza always liked to go when she was outside. She was never reckless when she was out there. Her agility gave her an astounding grace to move through the flowers without crushing even one bloom beneath her feet. The dog could pass through the blossoms giving the petals little more turbulence than a gentle breeze.

The young woman's eyes began to tear up at the thoughts of her dog, remembering how her father used to tell her that dogs could draw lightning with their eyes. She didn't believe it then, she believed it was just another deterrent he tried to throw at her when she first brought Angelo home. Now with every thought running through her mind she had to wonder if it was true and if so would fate be that cruel to her?

She never answered herself, knowing full well after everything that had happened that it held a definitive answer. One she couldn't stand to hear. Rinoa climbed over the fence and breathed a deep sigh of relief as Squall's form came into view. His back was turned and he was shielding himself from the wind with one hand as he looked around.

"Squall!" She yelled trying to beat out the sound of the wailing wind.

He turned to see her running towards him. Her form was almost illuminated against the blackened sky and suddenly that overwhelming feeling of déjà vu swept over him again, though it was something he could not remember seeing at any other time in his life. The way the flower petals were spinning around her in what would almost seem like they were dancing. Images from unknown origins suddenly began flooding his mind in quick succession. He closed his eyes against the overwhelming surge.

_Black sky._

_Desert._

_Lightning._

_She was running…the dust forming clouds behind her feet. What was she running from?_

"Squall are you all right?" He opened his eyes to find her staring at him. The vision had apparently doubled him over as he saw her bending to look him in the eye and gasping for breath. One of her hands rested on his back.

"Yeah just…something in my eye," he replied standing. He looked at her, the air surrounding her still like a haze and he silently wondered if his concussion was starting to affect his vision.

"Esperanza…" He started.

"What?" She whirled around scanning the area for her companion. The headmaster nearly buckled at her sudden movement. It was like the world was spinning way too fast and she remained still. He shook his head in an attempt to correct his vision.

"What happened?" She questioned frantically.

"Lightning…hit."

"Oh god…"

"No, no, it hit in the field and ran underground. I think she's fine, it just shocked her. She took off."

"I think I know where to find her." Rinoa said as she started in the direction of the pear tree grove. "C'mon we have to hurry! The rain is almost here!"

He never questioned how she knew that though glancing up at the sky it wasn't hard to see how engorged the black clouds were, as if they could burst any second. He followed her in a dead run still confused at what he had witnessed moments earlier.

They found the dog trembling in the tall grass behind the grove. She had found her ball and was nuzzling it with her nose trying to compel the orange sphere to give her any comfort it could spare. A familiar scent filled her nose and she looked up to see her master running towards her. Her heart leapt and her fear ebbed away at the sight. She stood quickly and whined at the tenderness in her right foreleg. She picked it up and continued in a hobbling trot towards the one who she knew could make everything better.

Rinoa fell to her knees and wrapped her arms around Esperanza's wooly neck. A surge of relief flooding through her as the dog began nuzzling her neck and licking her face as if the girl herself was the one who had been lost.

"Let's go home." She said looking into her friend's chocolate eyes.

Esperanza understood the command without ever hearing the words. She came to her feet and began limping back to the house, staying close to her master's side.

* * *

"_Though they were bound for eternity, they met each other in between. Trapped in a world who believed they sinned, lovers forever calling in the wind." _

Reading the words printed on the final page, Elise closed the book with mixed feelings. "You survived his captivating tale," she softly admitted to herself. Then again, had she really survived or only carried forward because that is all she knew how to do?

Maybe she had run the gamete of emotions today, and all that was left was confusion. If there was anything left in her to give, she would have given it freely, even offer her soul. But she wasn't sure that was hers to offer anymore, at this point it was easier to distance herself from her 'patient.' God, how long had it been since she referred to Squall as her 'patient' and _truly _meant it. Her mind pointed to the crucial seconds she fought for his life after the Blue Dragon attack. Even then she couldn't completely ignore the fact she was in love with him, and not just a patient. She even fought through the bitterness to pretend she was _her_. She knew she had lost sight of her faculties; she was a textbook case of counter transference. She tried to defend the relationship to Dr. Stevens, but maybe she was just acting on her own feelings, and not what was in Squall's best interest.

She had tried desperately not to hold any animosity toward Rinoa. It was just... how could she ever compete against a ghost? Now she discovered the ghost was walking and breathing... and Squall was probably with her. None of these revelations were easy concepts to comprehend. No amount of distancing herself would make her forget that truth. It wasn't fair to put any blame on Rinoa, but where had she been? Of course to be sealed wasn't truly her choice, but it didn't change the fact it had been Elise that held Squall for so long. She was the one that tried to comfort him from the nightmares. The one who tried to assure him that the pain and guilt would subside with time... but would it? Maybe she was becoming too cynical, because right now she sure as hell didn't know anymore. No, there was no logic in blaming Rinoa, but it came down to the basics of human nature that even Elise wasn't immune to.

Elise looked at the cover again, realizing that right now she was still living in a world forged of fairytales and fantasies. "You, you are a child... living in a world that can never make sense," she admitted tracing the book's cover with her fingertip. Underneath it all, she still felt being the child who needed validation for everything she did. Maybe it was time she grew up and not hold on to hope that would never come. Somewhere along the line she lost her own identity, and that too scared her to death.

The piercing sound of the telephone interpreted her from further contemplation. She would have loved to tell them to go away, but she had responsibility, more than just the headmaster. It wasn't easy finding her balance, as she stood wiping the liquid forming in corners of her eyes. No she hadn't been crying, but found herself on the verge many times; it was her sense of professionalism that held her back. Right now, that was the only thing that she had left intact. Maybe it could be her one saving grace.

Somehow she had already known it wouldn't be Squall. She no longer expected a call, beside the one saying he was never coming back... if he even decided to follow through with that formality. No, she had to believe she knew him better than that. Even if he had found the peace he had always wanted, he would have the decency to call her. Squall was chivalrous and noble like that – maybe he already had been playing the role of knight. She just didn't expect his call until later. How do you tell your fiancée you found the person you were searching for from your dreams?

"Hello." She heard herself and cringed at how pitiful she sounded. She couldn't even choke out her usual professional greeting.

"_Elise?" _A voice questioned from the other end. She should have been grateful that Laguna was calling; he was finally taking an interest in his son's life. That is, if she had not known the real reason. Those two would go months on end without communication, why now was he calling back? It was all becoming painfully obvious. She felt like a damn fool for not seeing the signs any sooner.

"I'm here." Her reply was curt; she was trying to pacify the irritation before it surfaced.

"_Ah... okay."_ There was a very long pause from the other end. She could tell that the older man was nervous and rightfully so. She could have started the conversation, but right now the doctor was very curious in what he would say. So she just let the awkward silence pass until the President finally continued, "_So just wondering how were things? You hear from Squall yet?"_

This man **did not** want to hear how things were really going, she had at least some respect for the position he held. It was his track record she was quickly beginning to question.

"No contact whatsoever." Maybe she shouldn't have said the next part, but she wanted to hear his answer. "You don't know where he might be staying in Winhill, do you?"

The telephone shuffled around the other end. Elise didn't know what he was doing, besides avoiding her question.

"_Um... you checked the Inn_ _right?"_

"He didn't check in." All right, was this what he was going to do? She despised games, especially ones like this. Did he not understand everything that was at stake in her life?

_  
_His tone softened as he finally admitted, "_Elise... I may know where he is staying. I was just hoping... that he wasn't. I can call to see if- "_

"No," she hadn't meant to interrupt him, but for that instance she reverted back into the role of physician. Squall would not take any call from Laguna lightly, especially when his emotions were all ready unstable. "I don't think it would be in Squall's best interest to hear from you right now. As much as it would be difficult to talk to me, it would be more difficult to talk to you."

There was no response from the other end. Maybe she had said too much, then again maybe she hadn't taken into account how hard this would be on Laguna.

"I mean... at least right now. I think he needs time."

"_Elise, I can't have you call, you don't understand."_

"Laguna, I do." Her reply was brisk. She wasn't going to play this game anymore; she was laying all her cards on the table. She hoped she did not have to say it outright. There are some truths that she hoped would be understood. There were just some things she was not ready to hear from another person.

"_H-How? What do you mean?" _

She could tell that the elder man was nervous more than she had ever heard him before, which was saying a lot. The President wasn't exactly what you call comfortable when it came to tense situations with his son.

"I just understand. That's all that is important." Who was she trying to convince - Laguna or herself? Was he actually going to let her get away with such a cryptic reply? He couldn't chance her saying the fact Rinoa was unsealed out in the open, even on a supposedly secure line. She had to believe that, or maybe she just wasn't ready to hear the exact words. "It is also very important that **_you _**don't try to contact Squall right now. It could be..." Elise paused, needing to word this carefully. It was not for the sake of those who could be listening, but for the emotional being of the President.

"Laguna, I won't call unless absolutely necessary, if Garden remains without any further contact. He needs to leave for Esthar in a few days for the trial. I just don't know how to answer the questions around here from any officials. Hell, I don't know what to say to myself. But I do know that whatever has to be said to Squall has to be by someone distant from the...'situation' Please trust that."

"_I trust you, if you think it is best."_

"I do." She confirmed, closing her eyes leaning into the phone. Now if she could just find the inner strength to convince herself it was for the best.

* * *

Squall sat the dog down as they made it into the house. He had begun carrying her when they had felt the first fat drops of rain began splashing against them painfully with the added force of the wind. Esperanza quickly shambled over to the couch and crawled underneath it. She decidedly had enough of the outdoors and the whims of nature for one day. The young man turned to see Rinoa standing beside him giving him a smile of deep gratitude.

"Thank you," she said quietly, "For…for doing that."

"It was nothing." He replied, shaking it off as no big deal…a very common Squall trait.

Her smile widened suddenly reclaiming a familiarity from her memories to apply to the man that stood before her. They were few, but she was grateful for each and every one that reminded her that time had left her with nothing recognizable.

"It was to me." Timidly she began brushing the stray dog hairs that had collected on his shirt, trying her best not to let her fingers linger on his body even though they seemed to want nothing more. She could not allow herself to give in to the illusion that things could ever be any different now. The sorceress was bound to the choice she made and she would not plead with him to stay in the past with her. Not when he had such a shining future ahead of him…and another person more worthy than herself to live it with.

With that final thought the precipitation ripped open the clouds and the house was filled with the static noise of the rain's relentless assault on the roof. Squall looked up towards the ceiling pretending to hear the rain but trying hard to fight the feeling overcoming him, caused by the simple brush of her fingertips against him. He swallowed hard.

"Did you find any flashlights or candles?"

She stopped what she was doing. "Yes, I managed to dig some candles and a book of matches out of one of the moving boxes. They're in the kitchen."

"I'll go get them." He said softly as he moved away, his mind reeling and his heart kicking him in the stomach as he walked towards the kitchen. How could he lose such control of himself in her presence? Everything fell apart, everything came together around her. He never thought anyone could heal him like she did. After she was gone he never thought he would ever be able to mend his crumbled soul. Now she was here filling his emptiness and it confused the hell out of him.

"_Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"_ Rinoa cursed herself as she watched him disappear through the kitchen's entryway. "_You think you're on such good terms with him you can just touch him like that out of the blue? Groom him like a doting housewife? He really must think you're ridiculous…or desperate…or both! For fuck sake Rinoa he's committed to someone else…and that someone isn't you!"_

She tried fighting the heat she felt spreading from her neck and the tears that pinpricked her eyes. She had to let these feelings go. Eventually she would have to smile and wave as he left her life forever. And god knows she wasn't ready…but she had to prepare. Life was not the fairytale her mother told to her when she tucked her in at night. Life was short, ruthlessly cruel, and unfair. You would spend most of it letting go of the things and the people you loved. Rinoa Heartilly felt that she should know that as well as anyone.

The sorceress noticed Esperanza poking her nose from the skirted folds beneath the couch. She kneeled in front of the sofa and gently lifted the flap. Leaning over so that she was eye to eye to her friend she gave the dog a reassuring smile.

"Hey there, you okay?"

The canine read her expression and responded with a wet kiss to her master's nose. Rinoa giggled and looked down at the dog's foot. She could see what looked to be slight char marks around the edges of her fur. She held her hand toward the foot indicating the gesture for the dog to follow. With a bit of reluctance Esperanza carefully placed her paw in the girl's hand. The young woman felt the coarseness of her paw pads; she drew closer, gently lifting to look at the bottom. It looked a bit burned, but nothing that wouldn't heal up and feel better in a couple of days. It was a relief, the dog had been lucky.

Not everyone can walk away from the lightning. Rinoa paused at the sudden thought. Esperanza tilted her head beneath the couch and looked at her quizzically. She shook her head to clear the memory and smiled again at the dog.

"It was touch and go there for a minute, but I think you'll be just fine." She patted the top of her foot gently before easing it back to the floor. Esperanza chuffed and one could see from the movement of her body that her knobby little tail was indeed wagging. Rinoa chuckled again. It was amazing what animals could do for your soul.

She stood and turned to the window. The rain pelted the glass in a furious frenzy of hard splashes. It was all she could see for the most part. The clouds had brought complete darkness with them. It had been a long time since she had seen a storm like this. Most storms came abruptly and passed quickly. This one had been brewing all day and from the looks of things it held some staying power. She could hear Squall in the kitchen shuffling through the box no doubt looking for more suitable candles, or something powered by batteries. There would be no luck there, she was never one of those 'prepared' people. She got through her life on a wing, a prayer, and improvisation. Part of her thought she should be offended that he was in there going through her stuff, but she quickly dismissed it as being petty.

Her mind ceased its wandering as she watched a bolt of lightning rip through the sky, lighting up the little village with a white hot brilliance. Rinoa had not witnessed the last two shafts of electricity shooting out of the sky or the fear would have immobilized her much earlier. Tragedies experienced in childhood could do one of two things, it could give you courage to face the fear as an adult, or it could make you cower in horror every time you were reminded and forced to relive it. For Rinoa it was the latter, and she felt as if she were no longer in control of neither herself nor the memories that broke the dam in her consciousness and she was five again.

The house trembled with the roar of the thunder that followed. Images of the past flooded her mind. She saw the flash of light, heard the screech of the tires and the sound of twisting metal. The air around her became full of the pungent smells of gasoline and blood. The fear that she had tried to bury long ago unearthed itself, seizing her in a vice grip of panic. She couldn't move, she couldn't scream, she wasn't sure if she was even breathing. Her knees buckled and brought her body to the floor.

Esperanza looked from her hiding place under the couch as Rinoa hit the floor. Quickly forgetting her own fears she limped over to the young woman and nuzzled her arm reassuringly. She felt the tremor coursing through her girl and cuddled as close as possible to give her comfort, resting her head in her lap.

Squall saw her crouched in the floor as he walked back into the room holding the two candles and the book of matches. "Rinoa?" He looked at her in confusion. She said nothing but continued to sit there swaying back and forth with her hands over her ears. The dog whined helplessly from her lap. He started walking towards her.

"Rinoa what's wrong?"

Another bolt of lightning hurled itself from the clouds above. He actually heard the pop of electricity just before it took the lights and enveloped the room in darkness. The foundations shook once more and knocked him off balance. His shin smacked against a chair causing him to drop the contents from his hands. He gritted his teeth against the pain as he heard the candles roll and the book of matches slide across the hardwood floor.

"Damn it!"

He tried to ignore the intense pain of his leg as he limped forward trying to find her in the pitch black darkness. His foot bumped into one of the candles and he bent down quickly and retrieved it before it could escape again.

"Rinoa answer me!"

Squall couldn't tell where he was and he feared stumbling over the chair had turned him around. It was a frustrating predicament. Esperanza whined again and he tried to follow the sound.

"Esperanza? Tell me where you are." The words left his mouth before it occurred to him yet again he was trying to talk to a deaf dog. Three times was just too much. He kneeled to the floor and began hitting it with his hand, hoping that she might feel the vibrations. A short bark to his right was the reward of his efforts. He turned and began crawl across the floor in that direction. The room was brightly lit for an instant as another bolt of lightning illuminated the sky. It provided enough light to allow him to close the distance between them.

Gingerly he reached out and touched her hand at about the same time the speed of sound caught up with its quicker predecessor and boomed across the heavens. The combination was enough to break her from the nightmarish memories and she recoiled with a loud shout. Squall for his own part was taken aback and took a moment to collect himself.

"Are…are you all right?"

He listened to her hurried breathing in the darkness, unsure of what to do. Rinoa closed her eyes and tried to regain herself before she spoke.

"That…that hasn't happened in a long time," she whispered softly.


	28. Ceaseless Rain

**_Foreword: _**We just wanted to let everybody know that we are now going to be focusing or work on finishing this story. I probably will not be updated any of my other stories, until we get a vast majority of this written. We apologize to everyone about the delay; there have been several reasons over the years, though honestly we have not ever been specific to anyone but our closest friends. I, (Ashbear) finally did put up a note at the end of the last chapter of 'After the Fall' concerning my seven-year-old daughter and two years ago Wayward had found out that her thyroid was cancerous and subsequently had to have it removed. Because of these problems, it had been difficult for us to write along with the depression that often follows such events. Things just don't happen to her or I, we are best friends and everything we go through we tend to go together in one form or another. Again, this does not excuse the fact that the story hasn't been done, but only the fact that neither of us refused to finish it without the other. The simple fact is neither of us abandoned this story, and we will see it completion. Again, both Nicole and I have ever been one to bring personal problems into writing, and posting it for others to see, but maybe this will explain some of the delays. The simple fact is we go through things together and I that won't change, God willing, for a long time. We thank everyone who has been with us through all this time, the support means a lot, probably more than you will ever know.

Thank you.

_**Chapter Twenty-Eight: Ceaseless Rain **_

Another clap of thunder resounded through the house. Yet Squall Leonhart never heard a sound, besides that of his own heartbeat pounding within his ribcage. His thoughts could not focus on anything but her, and the words she had just spoken. "_That… that hasn't happened in a long time."_

"_What the hell was **that**?"_ His mind replied. But he kept his comments to himself, allowing her to continue.

"The accident," she said softly. "The one that killed my mother… there was a storm that night. Lightning hit the pavement in front of the car and…"

Emotions overtook her and she began sobbing bitterly. Putting his hesitations aside, Squall dropped the candle he was holding and maneuvered himself around until he was able to put his arm around her shoulders. His heart bled for her pain, and again he blamed himself, though the truth of his mind told him he had nothing to do with it.

She continued to cry. Something… he needed to say something. A sudden pounding at the door saved him from speaking. It literally made him bite his tongue in shock. He winced at the pain and at the metallic taste seeping into his mouth.

"You okay?"

"…Yeah," Rinoa murmured.

"I'm going to go see who it is," he said as he picked himself up.

"_If I can just find the damned door."_

Another series of raps against the door gave him another clue. He held his arm out in front of him and felt until his fingertips ran across the familiar frame. Finding the doorknob his hand turned and released it from the latch.

The light that suddenly hit the young man's eyes temporarily blinded him. However the over abundance of perfume that filled his nose was enough to identify the visitor.

"Hiya handsome! Looks to me like you have a bit more color in your face this evening. How's the ol' noggin'?"

"_Oh great."_

"Ms. McCay," he nodded in greeting. "My head is feeling much better now, thank you."

"And she's putting you to work already… what a smart girl." She gave him a wink.

He was tempted to comment how much she resembled a Chocobo with the large bright yellow hat that nearly covered her eyes and the matching slicker… and the bird legs. He nearly jumped back in surprise as another familiar figure filled the doorway.

Lucky warbled and peeked his head inside the door. On seeing who it was he glared and squawked.

"Yes Lucky, your nemesis is still here. Now get back under the overhang and mind your manners!"

The chocobo chirped unhappily and shook the rain from his feathers, slinging the water all over Squall who sputtered and wiped his face angrily. If Chocobos could smile he would swear that one was smiling now… evilly, as it stepped out of the doorway.

"Lucky! I told you to behave! So sorry about that young man… he usually isn't the kind to hold a grudge."

"I see," the headmaster muttered while shaking the liquid from his arms.

Rinoa was trying desperately not to laugh.

"Sorry to bother you two, I just wanted to make sure that you were alright in this mess. Didn't see any light coming from the place. Renee are you in there?" She moved the lantern light inside the darkness, finding the girl sitting on the floor.

"Yes Maude, I'm here." The young sorceress waved at the light. "We're okay; I just have a fearful hatred of storms."

"Don't we all dear. The lightning hit the main transformer, the power is out all over Winhill. Probably won't be fixed until tomorrow. So I brought you a hurricane lamp." The old woman reached into her bag and pulled out a small oil lamp. "It's not very big but it will put off enough light to guide you through the house."

"Oh that's so sweet, thank you so much," Rinoa said. "I had some candles but we didn't get them lit before the lights went out… I think they're on the floor somewhere."

"Yes thank you," Squall said meekly taking the lamp from her. "It's very kind of you."

"Oh think nothing of it kids, just doing the neighborly thing. Here's a lighter to fire that puppy up."

"Won't you come in?" Rinoa asked coming to the doorway. "You're getting soaked."

"And ruin – I mean… I would but I've got to take a pot of soup down to Mr. Finnegan. He's got a bad case of the flu and could use some company. Besides Lucky doesn't do well outdoors alone during a storm and I'm sure you don't want a seven foot soggy bird running around your living room."

"_That's for damn sure."_ Squall thought to himself.

She adjusted her coat and smiled. "Speaking of soup… how did my Caterchipiller chowder go over? Wasn't that the best damn thing you ever tasted?"

The headmaster felt the corners of his lips pull into a vicious smirk. Oh… the things he could say.

"It was great Maude thank you," Rinoa spoke up behind him ruining his moment. He turned around and glanced at her incredulously. She kept smiling and shrugged just enough to where it was visible to only him.

"I'm so glad you enjoyed it! You two stay safe okay? I'll check in with you sometime tomorrow Renee. Don't worry about coming in to work."

"But…"

"No buts now. You have… interesting company… I wouldn't let that out of my sight for a minute." Her smile held a seductive edge.

The headmaster choked back the urge to gag.

"I don't think I'm going to open the shop tomorrow anyway, I could do with some rest myself. You just have a nice night and sleep tight!" Maude waved as she turned and lead the Chocobo back out into the rain.

They watched the light waving to and fro as it moved off into the distance before closing the door. Carefully he removed the globe and handed it to her. The light from the lighter gave a faint glow as he lit the white cloth protruding from it. It blazed for a moment before returning to normal size.

Rinoa placed the globe back onto the base. Squall adjusted the wick until it dimly lit the room and they could see each other's face cast in shadows. It was then that the sorceress with her mind momentarily distracted from the storm, could no longer contain her laughter.

"You look like a drowned Mog!"

"Ah, a Mog… nice… thank you," he grumbled, setting the lamp on the coffee table. "You know, I thought that water beaded off a Chocobo's feathers."

"They aren't giant ducks Squall," she continued laughing. "I doubt they can even swim."

"Yeah well, it would have been nice of evolution to add that little feature to the damn things."

"I think Lucky may be warming up to you."

"Dare I hope?" he droned. "And I can't believe you… you actually told her that concoction spawned from hell was good! I thought you were going to tell her the truth!"

"I caved," Rinoa chuckled. "C'mon she's an old woman. I'm sure you could have broken her heart with whatever you were working up as a response."

"Oh I could've broken _something_."

"Be nice," she scolded.

Squall looked down at the now illuminated floor. "Here's a candle," he said as he bent to retrieve it.

"Let me have it and I'll go get you a towel."

He lit it and handed to her, watching as she walked away from his sight. So much had happened in the past twenty-four hours, his mind was still reeling, unable to fully process everything. It all felt so much like a dream; a portal to another world where she was here, and his faith in life was returned to him.

And he was so very afraid of waking up.

It was a sigh of relief that nearly escaped his lips as he saw her come back into the room. The brief touch of her hand against his was enough to send shockwaves through his body when she offered the towel to him.

"…Thanks," he said quietly, staring at her hand a moment longer than he should have. He hoped she hadn't noticed.

Rinoa glanced at her hand wondering if there was something on it. She brushed at it quickly as he was drying his face off, just to be sure. When she looked back at him he was unbuttoning his black shirt. It caught her off guard.

"What are you doing?" She blurted before she could stop herself_. "Shit. Just stop opening your mouth Rinoa, everything you say comes out stupid!"_

He looked at her confused. "Um… my shirt is wet… it's rather uncomfortable… so I am taking it off. Sorry, you want me to go in another room and do this?"

"No… no… I'm sorry… I just…. never mind."

"I promise to leave my pants on."

She laughed and shook her head. "You've changed Squall, you were never the one to crack jokes before."

In truth he still wasn't. It was a rarity displayed when he felt really comfortable or really nervous. It was difficult to decide which feeling it was at that moment. He fumbled with the buttons on his sleeves until he was able to slide out of them one at a time and lay the shirt across a nearby chair.

Rinoa tried desperately not to notice how the sleeveless undershirt fit tightly against his body, sculpting the form underneath. She tried not to notice how the casting shadows made his bare arms that looked as if they were chiseled out of stone.

Tried… and failed miserably.

"_He's just a friend. He's just a friend. He's just a friend. Stop looking at him like that! You can't, it's wrong… and you know it." _

Rinoa turned away from him and walked towards the window. The rain was cascading down the pane of glass in sheets. There was nothing outside but complete blackness. She stared harder, trying to make out any form at all. Soon her vision began tunneling into the darkness; the sound of the rain became muted. She strained to hear, to see. But there was only emptiness. It was being imprisoned in ice again. The overwhelming sense of fear engulfed her and she failed to notice that her skin was tingling as the hairs on her arms were being attracted by the static buildup. Suddenly a bright flash of light temporarily blinded her and she was knocked back by the force of the electrical impact and the explosion of thunder that immediately followed.

Squall caught her before she hit the floor. He had watched as the lightning came to the ground just inches away from the window. Sparks shot out from a nearby outlet. In half a heartbeat he reacted, lunging forward and grabbing her by the arms. Slowly he eased her to the floor, holding her body against his own.

All she could do was look at his shadowed outline and feel his arms wrapping around her frame, and for a second, she _believed_. She believed, for once in her life, that something had been perfect, even if for the briefest of moments. Squall was perfect in her mind, and always would always was perfect in her memories. Even his marred forehead had healed to form a perfect scar. Now the scar had faded. Still evident, still visible after all the years, but no longer the vibrant marking she had remembered. That was good... at least she believed it to be. He didn't like it, the wound was always a constant reminder of... well, some memories he had rather left in his past. Then again, Squall never _told_ her how he felt about the scar – she had just assumed. That was always her problem... she always assumed. He never told her how he felt about anything back then.

_Even her._

Almost eight years, a fiancée, and a lifetime later... he admitted that he had cared. Was that the truth or the years of guilt? Was it reality or a misleading emotion created with the passage of time? God forbid he thought of her as another person who had abandoned him like Ellone years before. That thought had never entered her mind. At least not until today when she looked at him again knowing the guilt he carried and the abandonment he must have felt again.

Back in the desert, so many overpowering emotions raced through her mind, and not one scenario ended with a logical conclusion. The Estharian soldiers, the Ragnarok, the sorceress powers she had newly inherited... all those factors clouded judgment to his point of view.

It never occurred that she would become the next in an ever increasing line to abandon him; at least that's how he would ultimately see it. The moment he started to let her, and the others, into his secluded world was when she would turn on him the most. She freely offered herself to Esthar without blatant regard for his feelings. My God, he even had asked her to stay! He actually pushed away his fears, asking something of another - a man who relied on nobody. With more courage than she could ever imagine, he went against every doubt he had faced since childhood. He said the one thing he hadn't been able to ask of Ellone. "_Don't go." _

But she went.

It was in his eyes; it was in his voice. She just had not seen it or worse yet, maybe she decided to ignore it. She had to; she just _had_ to go... didn't she

Was her decision made out of selfishness? Was it rooted in her fear of how people would view her? She had known what they had thought of her predecessors. She was being sealed away for the good of the world, for the good of her friends... for him.

The moment she took that first step away, _she_ was sentencing him to a life of imprisonment. He may never have felt for her the way she felt for him; she understood that her love may not have been reciprocated. Her fate was never his fault; she never blamed him for the 'evil' she believed herself to be. But she did something far worse that day; she deserted him just as his adopted sister had done years before. But her abandonment was far worse; Ellone had never had a choice. She did. And just as in Ellone's _desertion_, he let the guilt pile on himself. Her selfishness had taken a toll on his life... never quite trusting completely.

And she was responsible for that.

She had known the consequences of her actions since her awaking. Somehow, she understood since that first night in Esthar, when she saw him on a balcony. Her presence could never be more or less than that scar on his forehead. She would be a constant reminder of a past that he could not change. One that no matter how much he tried to deny, she would always be a blemish that he conceived only as failure.

"Are you hurt?"

His voice broke her from the shock and she remembered to breathe.

"Did you ever feel like you were never meant to exist?" She said almost in a whisper. He closed his eyes, feeling the quake of fear that shook her entire body.

"It's just a bad storm Rinoa, it'll pass."

"Storms don't usually last this long."

"Then it's a line of storms moving through. It's a natural occurrence."

"Sometimes I think… I've messed up someone's grand design by being here. Maybe I was supposed to die with my mother, and since that didn't work, it was decided I would be sealed for eternity. I can't help but think that somehow I have cheated fate… my destiny. And now it looks like Hyne or some god up there is trying to fix it again."

"No," he said with a little more force than he intended. "No… I don't believe that. What happened to you was wrong. It should have never happened."

"But what if it didn't? I could have destroyed the world Squall. She would have used me to do that. I didn't know what else to do, there was no other choice. I couldn't stop her, I had no control… you saw!" Her voice raised in panic, the hot tears spilling from her eyes.

"Shhh," he said holding her tighter. "She's dead Rinoa. I watched her die. You're here now, and it's meant to be."

"_It has to be."_

The guilt raged in his mind again as it had for so long. He had allowed her this suffering. Those few minutes he had stalled cost a lifetime of torment for her. It was so clear in his mind that if he had just stopped it… they would have made it through somehow. Things would have been different… they both would have been different. Instead, they were now both caught up somewhere in between choices and fate. What was right or what was wrong.

And what just _felt_ right.

"Something has been nagging at me, trying to get me to remember something. I've been trying to figure it out. And it suddenly occurred to me. It just… popped in there without any effort at all." Her voice brought him back from his thoughts.

"What?"

A bitter laugh escaped from her lips. "Today's the day I became a sorceress."

_The day that had changed everything. Where every prospect of normality was shattered into a million pieces._

What could he possibly say? Other than how sorry he was for everything. Even when she told him not to, he knew she couldn't see how he had thrown her into the situation she was now… if only he would have taken her home when he had the chance.

"My powers have been dormant since I woke up… but who knows how long that will last. What if I end up hurting someone…? God… I couldn't handle…"

She was cut short by another bolt of lighting streaking across the sky. Squall felt her tense in his arms again. He tightened his grip as the boom of thunder shook through the house again.

"C'mon." He said lifting her off the floor. "We're going to ride this out together, alright?"

"What… what're you talking about?"

"Just come with me." He led her away from the window and into the soft lamp light. She bumped into his chest as he stopped suddenly and turned around to face her.

"Ow.."

"Whoa… sorry." The young man took a step back to allow space between them. Gently he took one of her hands and guided it into place around his neck. His nerves slowly began to overtake him as he guided his adjacent hand to her waist.

He couldn't believe he was actually going to do this. But if it would help her, he was more than willing to forgo the embarrassment. Memories of the first time he had done this filled his mind. It was before her face became so troubled, when her eyes sparkled with the light of carefree youth… undamaged by his actions. Hell, they were both a little saner then.

He took her other hand with his own and held it out to the proper position… at least to the best of his knowledge. He couldn't help but smile at the puzzled look on his dance partner's face. It was the same one he was wearing that night eight years ago.

"What… are you doing?"

"_We_ are dancing."


	29. Surrender Your Heart

**_Quick note:_** We just wanted to thank everyone for their kind words; you will never know how much they mean after all these years. Just...thank you for staying with us and this chapter is for you guys, before you want to hurt us again. Love ya!

_**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Surrender Your Heart **_

Rinoa's eyes tried to desperately focus in the darkened room, but it was to no avail. Her head was spinning and nothing around her seemed to remain in focus. But was that her fear from the storm or from her heart? Squall had said they were dancing, as if it were as common as breathing in his life. For that moment, the young woman was transported back to a time she had only recalled in her dreams. _When they had danced_. Still this was real and somehow her fantasies mixed themselves into the moment and she wasn't sure what to believe anymore.

"Um… okay?" Her voice was uncertain either from the confusion or proximity, she honestly could not tell.

"Just trust me. Close your eyes."

Rinoa did as she was told, wondering silently if he had finally snapped after being cooped up with her.

"What do you hear?"

"The clock… and the rain."

She yelped as another crash of thunder sounded overhead.

"Its okay, it's okay, it's all just music."

"Music?"

"Yeah… listen… can't you hear it?"

The sorceress listened intently. At first it was just a bunch of jumbled sounds. Slowly however, to her astonishment, they began to form a pattern, a rhythm.

She smiled, "You know, I think I can."

"Good." He took a step forward. She followed suit, taking a step back. And with that, they began dancing.

Awkwardly.

"Shit. I'm sorry. Was that your foot?"

"My fault," she laughed.

"I haven't done this in a long time," he confessed.

"Me either."

They continued moving in a small circle tripping over each other and laughing until their feet remembered what to do.

"Who taught this to you?" she finally asked. "Dancing during a storm? I'm sorry to doubt… this just doesn't seem like something you'd make up."

"You shouldn't doubt."

Rinoa cocked an eyebrow at him.

"It's something we used to do at the orphanage. Well… I didn't, but that's how Matron got the kids over their fear of storms. I always wondered if it actually worked."

"Always the brave one, weren't you?"

"Not really… for a while I think I was as scared as everyone else, just too stubborn to admit it."

"Oh I see. So what's your conclusion then?"

"Well, seeing that I've heard thunder three different times now, I'd say her methods are pretty effective."

"It has not."

"Yes. It has."

A train could have probably crashed into her living room and she wouldn't have noticed. She was too enamored by the feelings that were overpowering her. The ones she tried so hard to forget. Part of her screamed to runaway from it, that in the end he would leave, and she would be alone again. It was surpassed however by the overwhelming peace and security she felt in his arms.

It gave her strength.

Squall tried his best to appear stable. Inside he was a nervous wreck. He felt like an anxious teenager at his first school dance. He hoped she didn't notice how clammy his hands were becoming. Emotions burned inside of him, and when he looked at her, he felt something he couldn't explain. Something he had never known before… it felt like… home.

Esperanza poked her head out from her hiding place underneath the couch. She felt the vibrations of their footsteps as she watched them move slowly together across the floor. Her friend seemed relaxed and more content around the new human. _About time_. She let out a deep sigh and ducked back into the dark for a nap.

* * *

There was something magical about Trabia at night, even Elise could never deny its unspoken beauty. She had never been thrilled about being assigned to this Garden, but somewhere over the course of her tenure, she had come to appreciate its splendor. Tonight, the moon was full, radiating like a majestic light against the background of nothingness. Even with the naked eye, she could see the halos surrounding the disk. The ice crystals in the atmosphere that were refracting, bending the light to the eyes' of the observer.

She felt insignificant.

There was a world far more than she could ever grasp out there, one of magical destinies and unspoken bonds. One where invisible ties could drive a man to the brink of sanity, and there was nothing to ground him within the realm of science. This other world scared her, but also held a curious fascination.

She had left their apartment, going back to the office. Somehow she felt grounded within its walls; it allowed her at least the pretence of professionalism. Though, a true professional would have never crossed the ethical bounties she had done four years ago. The headmaster was her patient; she was responsible for his well-being. Every practitioner knows they should not become personally involved; she needed to maintain that objective distance.

He had looked to her for guidance and what did she show him in return? She used that relationship to ease her own memories, trying to keep the past from haunting her. She would be damned if history was going to repeat itself this time. Theirs was a fiduciary relationship, and she had crossed the lines of trust. Hell, she had broken them, turned them into dust, and then washed them down the drain. There were ethical bounties she had crossed and she, herself, might not be able to recover from. Then again, Elise could not imagine a more appropriate fate.

A rap at the door brought her out of her own self doubts. She exhaled heavily, smoothing back the hair of her loose ponytail; for once, she would just like to be left alone to writhe in her own suffering. But again, her responsibilities were far greater than just her and Squall... or even Rinoa for that matter.

Making her way to the door, she opened it expecting to face some dire medical emergency. Then again if it truly was that serious, chances were the intruder would have forgone the protocol of knocking. Elise forced a smile to her lips, focusing all her attention on the young man standing before her.

"May I help you?"

The SeeD never even hinted at the appearance of a smile. Apparently this adolescent could remain focused on his duty more than she ever could. It was ironic in some sick, twisted way.

"Yes, I have a package that requires your signature."

She glanced down at her watch, it was well past normal business hours, and any messenger service would have delivered hours ago. Then again, maybe it was lost in the sea of bureaucratic red tape that Garden thrived in.

"It's late, isn't it?" she asked more to break the uncomfortable silence surrounding the exchange.

"Yes, it is. This was delivered by personal messenger. It is of the utmost importance."

"Maybe it's those carpet samples I ordered months ago," she replied with a hint of laughter.

"Highly doubtful, Dr. Vandermere. I don't believe those would be classified as urgent."

"_Nor do I,"_ she said under her breath. She followed his original request accepting the pen and clipboard that were in his hands. He retrieved the two items and then reached into his satchel producing a large padded envelope. Ripping a small piece of light green paper affixed to the front, he handed it over to her without another word. The doctor glanced down in curiosity, immediately realizing the significance this could have.

"This is from Esthar?"

"I'm not at liberty to disclose that information."

"Of course not," she sighed in annoyance.

Looking back down at the package, the obvious country of origin was stamped boldly on the envelope and in several places. The question had been rhetorical, but that fact seemed to be lost on the young soldier. Her attention refocused on the teen in front of her, he looked far beyond his years. At this rate he would be grey and bald before he turned twenty-five. Sometimes she felt her existence at Garden was all in vain.

"Thank you, you are dismissed."

The young man moved to attention, saluting her briefly. She turned around rolling her eyes; she wondered why the students always had to be so damned professional. Maybe for once she would like to have them treat her as a civilian. Didn't one person in Garden realize she wasn't military? She wasn't one of them? She wasn't trained to take lives but to save them? Maybe that wasn't a fair assessment at this hour, but it was the fatigue talking, not her normal rationing.

It didn't matter; she had to get back to the myriad of problems surrounding her life. She had no idea what the package was, but maybe it would take her mind of Sorceress and Knights.

Examining the outside of the envelope, its contents felt thick and uneven. She looked at it curiously, she had no idea what else Esthar would send her, but stamped plainly on it was the official Estharian emblem. The tips of her fingers slowly traced the outline of the crescent moon, highlighted with a single star. She always had wondered about the seal, ever since her days back in medical school. There was something almost sickening about having a single red tear that represented the Lunar Cry. She always felt that the city should move on from the devastation, rather than dwell on the negative. Though it was a part of their history, it was what made that country and its citizens who they were today, the good and the bad. Then again maybe if she could move on from her own devastation, she would have the right to question their choices.

Sitting down she started to open the envelope, little did she know that what was contained inside would change how two people viewed the world, both the physical and the spiritual. There would be a connection made and somewhere in between those two planes a story had had written itself. Maybe only now would they find the beginning, and more importantly, an end.

* * *

A sudden chill ran up the back of Rinoa's neck and she shivered slightly. She hoped he didn't notice. She didn't want to break the contact with him. It was something she would definitely endure her shifting body temperature for.

It caught her again and she tried to shake it away.

"Are you cold?" He stopped moving.

"N… yeah… a little."

He released her and grabbed the quilt off the back of the couch. He returned to her and carefully wrapped it around her shoulders. She took the ends in both hands and smiled.

"Thank you, you didn't have to do that I could have gotten it."

"_I really didn't want to stop."_

"No problem. You feel better now?"

She nodded.

The thunder rolled across the sky once more. Squall looked at the situation, trying to figure out how they were going to continue. "Um…," he muttered while turning his head one way and then the other. There seemed to be no alternative.

Slowly he closed the space between them and placed both of his arms around her waist, drawing her body towards his. She followed suit, wrapping her arms around him. He held on to the quilt that was draped over her as they began to dance again.

If fate decided to be any crueler to him, he would have woken up at the instant their bodies made contact. His heart nearly leaped into his throat as her body softly pressed against his own. Before he knew exactly what he was doing, he tilted his head until it was gently resting on top of hers.

He took comfort in the fact that his dreams were never this serene. There was always that sense of urgency. All of the pain and trauma of the last several years seemed to evaporate with this simple gesture. In fact the years themselves, all leading up to this moment, seemed to pass away. They were both seventeen again; the future was uncharted, yet bright before them. And much like the first time they met, he was scared to death.

Squall became intoxicated by the scent that filled his lungs. His mind told him that it was coming from her; naturally she worked with flowers and would have acquired their fragrance on her clothes. But why did it seem like it was filling up the entire room?

Rinoa felt as if her feet no longer touched the ground. She couldn't have dreamed anything that compared to this moment if she had tried. If she could have stopped time in that instant, she would not have thought twice. Nothing else mattered but this. No one else existed. The blackness of all the years before faded away into obscurity. Now it was just him holding her in the soft, flickering lamplight.

The overflow of emotion caused her legs to become weak. She leaned into him further, resting her head against his chest. She smiled against the thin fabric of his shirt. His heart was racing beneath her ear at a velocity which could almost rival that of her own. Closing her eyes, she could feel each beat reverberate through every cell in her body. In this simple closeness she felt a connection that transcended all the barriers of time and space. The battle with the morality of this within her was over. Rinoa didn't care anymore. The past, present, and future all fell into one. She was whole, they were whole, for as long as this moment would last.

He shut his eyes tightly as he consciously became aware of what she was doing. Realizing that now she was fully aware of his feelings, his faults. Once again, his heart was betraying him as it had so many times before with her. Breaching the fortified walls that hid his emotions from the rest of the world, raging through the facades of the stability, the strong willed level headedness he tried so hard to portray. As if by some instinct, he tightened his grip on her, allowing one of his hands to rise from her waist to rest against her head. The silken threads of her hair slid across the tips of his trembling fingers like a pane of dark glass.

Through his life he had let a very selective few glimpse briefly passed the barriers, but none had been permitted to go any further. For some reason however, he wanted to let her in. He wanted to rip apart the veil around himself revealing to her all that he felt within his heart. His heart was the only thing that remained truly his; in it were the last remaining shards of his soul. And if it meant her happiness all she had to do was ask, and he would cut it from his chest and give it to her. Though Squall couldn't imagine why she would want it. That tired, withered, stone of a thing.

Suddenly the image returned to him. He remembered what happened before, when he almost succumbed to the wills of his heart. Basically he had killed her. He had taken eight years of her life away and no matter what he did, he could not bring them back. If he let her in now, what would happen? Would the next time find her lying six feet under the earth?

"_How could you have been too late?"_

He took a shuddering breath. _How_… how could she ever love him? After all the destruction he had caused in her life… what he could cause in the future. His fingers tightened. What would happen when he let her go?

Rinoa flinched as a trickling stream of water snaked its way down the side of her face. At first she mistook it for a leak in the roof until she tasted the bitter saline in the corner of her mouth. She looked up at him in shock. Tears were streaming down the sides of his face. A strangled sob escaped his lips.

"Squall, what's wrong?" She asked frightened that she had crossed a line she wasn't meant to.

"I'm so… so sorry Rinoa. I never meant to hurt you."

She couldn't stop the tears from forming in her own eyes. Did he really carry the guilt of _her_ decision? Had he been carrying it all this time? Squall Leonhart was crying. The steel eyed gunblade specialist with a held calm in the heat of battle that could compare to no other. And now, here he was, defenseless and broken. She made him cry. _Look at what you've done Rinoa._

"It wasn't your fault… I told you it was my choice. Please try to understand Squall. You have nothing to be sorry for."

He clenched the quilt in his fingers trying to regain a failing self-control. The young woman took his face in her hands, wiping away the tears while ignoring her own. He finally managed to open his eyes and focus them on hers, finding a solace and peace there that he had never known.

"Please… don't ever leave me again," he whispered between ragged breaths.

"_Don't let go."_

"It's okay," she said shakily. "I'm right here." Rinoa leaned closer to him, guiding his hand down and holding it against her cheek. "I won't leave you."

Their faces were but a breath apart as they stood there holding each other. Strangely, their feet kept moving, as if entranced by some eternal song that refused to end. The room was suddenly bathed in a flash of light that poured from the stained glass windows behind them. Rinoa had forgotten her fear in that instant. Rather she was captivated by the lightning as it reflected intensely in his eyes, all of the colors in the glass illuminating the room around them in one momentarily brilliant spectrum. The thunder quaked deep inside their bodies as if heralding something that could no longer be denied. And with it, their feet abruptly stopped.

In the next moment their lips met in a restless exuberance. It was a kiss that neither of them directly initiated, but came together in one mirrored movement, the salt of their tears mingling together with each breath. There was no hesitation in their exploration, their lips uniting as if they had never parted. It felt strange, like something that was as routine and involuntary as breathing and yet, all so new. They continued for what felt like a small eternity. Both of them satisfying some desperate need that neither fully understood. It was like water for a desert. She needed to know if he felt anything like what she felt for him right now. He needed to know that she was still there.

Finally they broke their contact when the need to breath became too much for either to stand. The blanket fell around them. Squall's heart was floating in an intoxicating cloud. He gazed down at her longingly. He could still taste her… still feel her soft lips covering his own. It was something that felt so alien now, like up until this moment he had never been kissed. The slight twinge of guilt that pressed against him should have been stronger. At least he thought it should. Where was the remorse? That other soul hundreds of miles away who had never asked to be brought into this chaos that was his life. All she had really asked was for him to love her. He had tried… oh God how he had tried. But now why couldn't he feel anything other than the sheer rapture of the presence of the woman standing in front of him now? Why couldn't he take his eyes off her? How could everything just vanish save for the name on his lips?

"Rinoa," he whispered.

The sorceress moved from her resting position against his neck and looked up at him. Her face seemed to glow with an ethereal light. This feeling was so overpowering, so staggeringly beautiful. For just a moment her soul didn't feel quite so heavy and her heart soared with life she had not felt in so very long. All of her barriers fell and the old feelings stormed through the broken ramparts with a screaming cry of release. She wanted to tell him, she wanted him to hear it, damn the world, the obligations that stopped them from being together, the cruelties of fate. The overflowing emotions refused to let her think, refused to let her care about any of it.

She looked deeply into his eyes, their lips but a breath apart once again.


	30. Complicated Questions

**_Chapter Thirty: Complicated Questions _**

In that moment Rinoa found the words somehow eluded her. It was a maelstrom of emotions pounding relentlessly on her soul. She needed to speak, she needed to breathe, she needed someone to break her from this emotional high.

"Squall… I…"

A sudden spasm of pain returned her to her senses. Her hand had run down from his shoulder in an attempt to close any space left between them, she wanted to be as close to him as possible when she said the words dying to fall from her lips. Though as her palm moved down his back she felt something slice through her hand like a hot knife. Immediately she pulled away leaving him dumfounded. She looked at her hand expecting to see blood pouring from a horrendous gash. There was not even the slightest scratch on her palm. Rinoa looked at him with the same confused stare he was giving to her.

"Are… you all right?"

"Yeah… it was just… I don't know what that was… Squall, are _you_ all right?"

"I'm fine. Why?"

"Turn around for a second."

"Huh?"

"I want to see something."

His face contorted into an expression more baffled than his previous. But he complied. He wasn't exactly sure why. Maybe it was the renewed trust he had found again, maybe it was because he would and felt at that moment like he could do anything for her.

She approached his turned figure and hesitantly reached to touch the area around his left shoulder. The pain hit her fingertips again and she recoiled in shock. She shook the ache out of her fingers and continued staring at his shoulder.

"Squall… what… what is that?"

He looked over his other shoulder at her. "What?"

"This."

Her fingers spread in an arc and began tracing the long scars left by the talons of the Blue Dragon. The young woman bit her lip against the pain she felt. She had no idea how she could outline it so perfectly, she didn't see it at all. It was almost like a magnetic force drawing her hand.

Squall closed his eyes as he felt her fingers run along his old wound. The pain of that day he could not escape. That day when that little bit of sanity he was holding on to went completely out the window. His branded mark of shame that would be with him for the rest of his life. He had almost died for his illusion that day and he cursed himself in hindsight knowing that now he could have missed this… missed this chance to see her again, hold her. The headmaster considered telling her the truth for a moment. She needed to know about the damaged man that stood before her, someone far from the one she remembered. He could tell her…

"It was an accident."

But he didn't.

"Let me see."

"No really… it's nothing."

"I want to see it."

"No you don't. It's just a minor…"

"_Please_."

He sighed and reluctantly obeyed lifting his shirt up to his shoulders. Rinoa gasped and covered her mouth in horror at the long ragged marks that ran diagonally down his back. It looked animal-like. The skin was a dark pink in the torn areas showing that it was still trying to heal. The wound had been very, very deep and her hand could attest that it had been unbelievably painful.

"Oh my god Squall. How… how did this happen?"

"It was bad judgment on my part. I made some wrong decisions and I paid for them."

"Is this… is this why Garden is having the hearing?"

Her answer was a slight bow of his head and silence. He pulled his shirt back down around him She could see he was finished talking about it and that any attempt to pry further would only aid in fueling his stubborn hostility. And though it pained her that he could not confide in her, she let it go. Why should he confide in her anyway?

"I'm sorry," she said softly.

Once again he tried to shrug it off. He turned around to face her, giving her his best front of confidence. "Don't be. It's okay. It doesn't hurt anymore."

That was another thing that confused her. Why did it hurt her to touch it? Was this some part of her sorceress power creeping through the surface of her skin? Why hadn't she felt it until now? She had touched his back when she held him before. What had changed?

It was tiring to think anymore, for the first time she realized how exhausted she was. Looking out the window she noticed that the storm was over and a brilliant moon had come out to illuminate the darkness in the wake of a now forgotten tempest.

"We should probably get some sleep," Squall said slowly from behind her.

"Yeah… that's a good idea."

"I'll sleep down here on the couch… you should sleep in your own bed, you'll rest better."

She turned to him. "Really, I don't mind sleeping down here… you're a guest here after all… and then your head…"

"Is fine. Now stop worrying, you need to get some rest."

Rinoa sighed then nodded. "Okay, if you're sure." She hesitated a moment longer wanting to reach out to him again and hold him but her mind got the better of her. Instead, she let her arms swing lifelessly to her sides and said simply, "Well, goodnight."

He nodded, "Goodnight."

She offered him a small smile, turned and started towards the stairway.

* * *

Stirring the contents of her coffee about, Elise looked down at the manila envelope. It seemed her life had come down to confidential documents and endless coffee pots. One day she would swear off caffeine all together, though that day didn't look as if it would be coming any time in the near future.

She was surprised to find only two items contained within the delivered parcel, a tape and a simple letter attached to the cassette's outer case. She had seen the insignia etched on the paper before, it was from a private practitioner in Esthar, one specializing in hypnotic and therapeutic medicine. She removed the letter unfolding it enough to read the handwritten note, another almost unheard of practice in the world of medical dictation.

"_President Laguna Loire,_

_Enclosed you will find the requested material. Please treat these sessions with the utmost confidentiality, which I believe you will, knowing the delicacy surrounding the situation. Please also understand that while Miss Heartilly is no longer actively under my medical supervision, I still consider her to be a patient of this office. _

_It is not customary for my practice to release medical files, taped or written, to a third-party. In this specific case, I have taken into account our long-standing cooperative relationship with Esthar and its officials and believe it to be in the best interest for all parties involved. Seeing as this came directly from the Presidential office as a personal request, I felt this was the most beneficial course of action. Also as requested all other copies of these tapes have been destroyed along with any written dictation regarding this specific matter. _

_I thank you for you discretion,_

_Dr. Carrie Westman"_

Well that at least answered one question, it was stated that that the tape contained several taped medical sessions. This must have been something that Laguna wanted Elise to hear. Or had it been sent by accident when she had requested the previous files? No, Laguna Loire may have been a lot of things, but nothing was as simple as it appeared. Elise believed that each one of these 'mistakes' on Esthar's part were specific clues for her decipher.

Maybe President Loire could ever have a point blank conversation with Squall, but she would be damned if all these little 'bread crumbs' didn't lead to a specific trail. Elise just wished she wasn't the one who had to follow the trail blindly into the forest. But what she did was for love, whether reciprocated or not, it was the love that kept her going through this endless storm.

Reaching in to her top drawer, the doctor pulled out her cassette recorder, hastily disregarding the tape that was currently residing inside. The new cassette seemed to be several or Rinoa's therapy sessions on one tape. Elise figured that this wasn't the original tape, but somehow this had been pieced together – maybe just another damn puzzle for her to solve. It sounded as if it has been pieced over the course of several weeks of therapy… The sessions began with the most rudimentary basics: who Rinoa was in her own eyes, childhood and its traumas, and the events leading into her preteen and early adolescent life.

Still the conversations had contained nothing out of the ordinary that would warrant having it send by messenger to Trabia. The doctor glanced at her watch with slight annoyance. Not that she had any where better to be or anyone better to be with for that matter. It had just been a long day, and this for the moment, seemed as if it was just taking her around in circles – ones she had walked a thousand times before.

There was also that part of her that was having a difficult time listening firsthand to the account of Rinoa Heartilly's life history. As much as she tried to remain impartial, to be the always fair and compassionate doctor, sometimes it seemed an impossibility. Rinoa already appeared to be the perfect legend in everybody's eyes, and hearing her talk constantly about herself just seemed to make the myth become an even more bitter reality. Still if nothing else, out of a driven need to help Squall any way humanly possibly, she continued to listen. Just as Elise was beginning to believe the sessions were all in vain, something she could have read in any case file if she had chosen to do so, Doctor Westman tried another avenue – hypnosis, delving into the more recent, traumatic events.

Elise noticed how the doctor allowed Rinoa just enough freedoms to discover what she needed on her own, but with always enough guidance that she was never alone on the journey. She helped her with just with the right amount of information to form the images and memories that the young sorceress would need to remember.

"_Where are you now Rinoa?" _

"_I'm standing…in a desert."_

"_And what time of day is it?"_

"_It's dark."_

"_So it is evening or night?"_

"_No…there is no time," _Rinoa whispered as if she was afraid to hear the words herself. She sounded scared, unsure, a frightened child facing the wrath of a parent after knowingly disobeying them.

Still as the words registered with Elise, there was a nagging sensation she had heard this before... it was all too familiar. This had to be the most the most vivid case of déjà vu she had ever encountered, too much so to be her imagination. Maybe they were not the words verbatim, but there was something so much deeper - not spoken. The fears, the emotion, it wasn't just the simple words, but everything surrounding them, the feelings, from the time of day, rather the lack of one, to the sense of urgency.

Elise stopped the tape before Rinoa continued, maybe she didn't want to hear the rest at that moment, or maybe she just had to find this out for herself. She reached into another drawer to a tape she knew well, almost too well, putting it in to the recorder and rewinding it to a place she had marked in her notes. She listened now as Squall's voice filled the room, not with panic like Rinoa's but with sarcastic anger towards his therapist.

_Do you want to tell me about this dream?"_

"…_Dreams."_

"_More than one?"_

"_Glad you understand the plural form of a noun doctor, good for you. Now let me give you a few select adjectives-"_

"_You do realize I'm here to help you, Squall. Can you tell me how she saves you in the dreams?"_

"_She saves me only in **one** dream. The other, I can't save her. The second one is reality… it was her last day alive in Esthar. I see her face through the glass… so cold… I hear her saying--" _Squall stopped speaking suddenly.

"_Go on."_

"_I can't. Not that one."_

"_Okay what about the other one? The one where she saves you?"_

"_It's not real."_

"_That's okay, tell me about it anyway."_

"_It's dark."_

"_So, it's nighttime?"_

"_Did I say that? Are you going to let me tell you, or do you want to keep interrupting me? I said it was **dark**, I never said it was night…there is no night. I can't open my eyes. It's hard to breathe. Tired, I'm so tired…I just want to sleep."_

"_No! Don't say my name. She's saying it, I can barely hear, but I know it's her. Please no, just let me die…I deserve it. The ground…so cold, so hard. I want to die here. I want this earth to be my grave. Don't please Rinoa…don't…she's crying. Damn her. I can feel the tears…so warm, so real, so full of life. I can't help her, I want to help her."_

"_She's fading away. I want to go after her…I can't move. All I can see are flowers. So many damn flowers. I'm choking on them; the smell is too strong. I can't… I can't breathe…"_

"_Don't let go. Don't let go_."

Elise stopped the tape recorder once more and looked at the tape. She had known Squall's word's, his desperations, but something in her just needed to hear it again... and his final cries of _'Don't let go'_ had haunted her many nights since she had first heard the tape. With a heavy sigh, she removed that tape, placing it over to the side before putting the second tape back in, the one containing the words of Rinoa Heartilly. She continued from the very spot she had left off from, but had a feeling she would already know how the words would go.

"_I'm running. Oh God…this place is so endless. Squall please where are you?" Her voice shouted. The tears were now streaming from her closed eyes. "I can feel him! He…he's fading. Squall…no…please…"_ Her words had become anguished sobs.

"_Rinoa, I'm going to bring you out of this right now. We are going to end your trance righ–"_

"_I see him," _Rinoa said quietly.

Dr. Westman stopped. _"Where is he?"_

"_He's on the ground. He's not moving. I…I want to run to him but…I'm…so…scared. What if I am too late?"_

"_Go to him Rinoa. You won't know until you go to him."_

"_He…he's so pale. I touched his face. He feels so cold. Squall. Squall can you hear me? Please wake up! Oh Hyne, I don't think he is breathing! Someone please help him!"_

"_Rinoa…"_

"_I won't let you go! I won't! Damn it do you here me? Open your eyes!"_

"…_Please_." The last word escaped her lips in a sorrowful gasp. She was crying harshly now. Her breath coming in shaky gasps and hiccups.

"_Rinoa what's happening."_

"_The darkness is moving. I'm blinded by a bright light and…we…we're in a field."_

"_Do you recognize the field?"_

"_No…no I don't think so. I can smell flowers. I see cherry blossoms floating in the air."_

"_Is–…"_

"_His voice! I heard him say my name. He's alive! Oh Hyne in heaven he's alive! He is looking at me. He can see me. Squall…I'm here. I've got you…don't let go."_

"I've got you. Don't let go," Elise stated unemotionally as she turned off the tape recorder and looked out into the window. "Don't let go." She repeated one more time, if not for anybody but herself. Maybe it was good advice after all.

What bothered her most right now was when she had heard that exact phrase, those exact words of desperations from Squall's voice, she wanted to reach out to help him. She wanted to do everything within her capabilities to protect him from the pain. But now, as she heard the mirrored words from Rinoa, the mirrored memories, everything felt foreign, too surreal to even feel any emotion towards. She was numb to them. Had she grown so hopeless and scarred within a few days, to detach herself so much from someone who sounded as forlorn and desperate as Rinoa did on the tape? Had Elise grown that uncaring that hearing the words from her seemed commonplace? Although she could sense how frightened the young girl was, how scared she was of losing Squall in those few moments, somehow Elise could feel anything _but_ the same emotions toward the two people.

It was surreal – nothing more.

Two tapes. Two people recording separate therapy sessions several years apart. Both recalling events that never took place – both believing they were nothing more than dreams or hallucinations at best. Both parties retelling events word for word, feeling for feeling, down to the description of the smell of the flowers and cherry blossoms. It was an event that had to have to occurred sometime after Rinoa had been sealed away from the world at the Sorceress Memorial, but sometime before Squall had been found along the coast near the orphanage, somewhere between two realities in a place that was void of time and light, but somehow these two found each other against the odds. Maybe it wasn't a place that could be reached by anyone on this Earth or in this lifetime, but it was a place that seven years ago, two people had found themselves somewhere in between.

If ever there was any proof of a connection between sorceress and knight she was holding it in her hands. Something so small could be damning and condemning to all of them, if it fell into the wrong hands. Many would not understand such bond, many would fear what it could lead to, hell if she stopped to think about the significance of what it might lead to she might be just as fearful of the outcome. If anyone ever heard these two tapes together, it could mean the end, not only for Rinoa, but for Squall as well, he might a well be branded along with her. If there was one thing she understood, these tapes could never be heard together again.

She took the second tape out of the recorder, and held one firmly in one hand. She could keep both, destroy both, or destroy one of the two. It was then she knew what she had to do, nobody could ever make the connection outside of select few. She placed one tape back in the drawer, and took the second tape to be destroyed. It would never be seen or heard again.

* * *

Rinoa found herself unable to move as she grabbed the banister. The difficulty of taking that first easy step away from him proved to be almost unbearable. Gravity seemed a defiant force on her feet. There was an overwhelming dread that surrounded her. That morning they had fought, and all she wanted was for him to leave, to get as far away from her as soon as possible. Now he had become an indescribable strength for her weakness, a sieve to drain out the darkness and the hopelessness inside her. Without him, she was beginning to feel it close back in around her. And in a twisted way that was a weakness in itself.

"Squall?" she said softly.

"Yes?"

The young woman turned around and looked at him. He hadn't moved from where she had left him, his face holding the exact same expression. He remained motionless, awaiting her question. God, how could she possibly ask this of him? How would he take it? She didn't mean _anything_ by it… she just didn't want to be alone.

"I…" She stopped herself and turned away. She couldn't do this. It wasn't right. Her conscience tried to position itself back into play.

Squall approached her with slow and uneven footsteps. Concern and apprehension bled from his eyes. "What's wrong?"

She felt newly formed tears sting against her already swollen eyes. Rinoa resolved herself not to cry, shrug off her earlier attempt as nothing important, and walk up the stairs without looking back. Looking back around, she started to speak, and in the depths of his eyes the truth fell out of her mouth before she could stop it.

"I'm scared." She closed her eyes at the pathetic sound of her voice. The storm was long over now; there was no excuse for it.

Rinoa waited for that consolidating remark; instead, she received only silence. His hand wrapped around her free one, intertwining his fingers with her own. The warmth of his touch sent electricity coursing through her veins as if it were a new experience all over again.

"Me too," he whispered. His voice echoed through her ears and she knew that it wasn't an answer just to calm her nerves; it was raw, unabashed honesty.

"Will… will you..." she choked unable to finish. _This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong. _God how was she supposed to let him go? How would she live? How could fate deny her everything? Couldn't she ask just this much of it? Would Elise understand? Would _he_ understand?

"St-Stay… Just… until I fall asleep?" She finished in a broken voice.

Squall looked in her shimmering brown eyes tired and ringed red from tears, he was sure they mirrored his own. He could become lost in her eyes he had discovered. There was always something there, something alluring and unnamed. He could place it now. It was something so alien to him before… before he could never feel it. He _wouldn't_ let himself feel it. Rinoa's heart could be seen through her eyes, and right now through the tears, the fear and uncertainty… he saw love. He could feel it, the warmth thawing him from a lifelong winter and an eight year blizzard.

"_God Rinoa… I would stay with you forever." _He could say it… in this moment where nothing mattered anymore he felt he could honestly say it and mean it. To hell with all the world, he didn't need it. Not when he could see everything right here, right now. Words… there were so many damned words.

The young woman had taken his blank expression and silence as rejection. It was petty foolishness on her part to ask so much of him… she had asked far too much already. His hand was still entwined in hers and it kept her from running. Instead all she could do was look away, strangle a sob, and try to apologize.

"I'm sorry. It's stupid… I'm stupid… I have no right to think that I-I…"

"I need you too." He finally found the words he was looking for.

Her eyes widened before the dam overflowed and the tears fell hard as she sobbed uncontrollably. It was a wave of so many different emotions engulfing her with his words. She collapsed under her own weight and fell against the stairs. Throughout her life no one had _ever_ told her that they needed her. She had needed, she had always needed, and when she was younger she had no troubles admitting it. A lot of times she had pushed herself on people in the hopes that she could be useful… that they might need her in return.

Rinoa remembered vainly trying with him so long ago. Now here he was, telling her that after everything she had done, all the pain she had caused, even after what she had become… he needed her too. Could he possibly mean that? Was it just something he was saying to comfort a broken girl he could not love? Something to soothe a creature he took pity on? Was it wrong if she didn't care in that moment?

Squall was quick to kneel and take her quaking body in his arms. His mind was reeling. Had he said the wrong thing? Was it… wrong to need her? It didn't feel wrong. It felt so goddamned right it ached. Why couldn't he fix this? Why couldn't he take away all the hurt he had caused? He would collect every tear she had shed over his mistake, every missed moment of her life and claim it as his own. He could hold her burden for her; he _deserved_ to carry it through eternity just for a moment of her smile.

"_I've got you. Don't let go."_

Relief filled him as he felt her arms wrap tightly around his waist. The headmaster could feel her fingers clinch at the fabric of his t-shirt, embracing him as if her life depended on it… much the same way he held her. He caressed her dark hair with his hand as she cried heavily into his chest.

"Shhh," he whispered softly into her hair. "It's okay." Trying desperately to comfort the missing piece of his soul he now held so strongly in his embrace. "I'm not letting go."

Rinoa looked up into his eyes straining to see through her tears. Yet again such simple words that were able to breathe meaning into her life. His eyes were full and honest as he looked at her with soft intensity, resolution, and resolve. Looking into his eyes she felt the world go away, her doubts faded, and she found herself truly believing that things would work out. Despite the impossibilities, despite the overwhelming odds… they could beat them.

Together.

She smiled at him even though the tears continued down her face and her lungs heaved painfully from crying so hard. Rinoa reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck. Gently she pulled him down until their foreheads touched.

Neither of them fully realized how just a simple touch, contact in some form or other could do so much to give solace to their shattered souls. No, they were not mended in a flash of light or a dazzling display of otherworldly magic. Life right now was merely allowing them to experience a few blissful moments away from reality. It was a dream world where things were simple, love was whole, and nothing, not even fate's cruel design could take that away from them.

Squall carefully reached around her waist while sliding his other under her knees. Tenderly, he lifted her up into his arms and began climbing the staircase for both of them. Rinoa didn't protest, she didn't say a word. She merely leaned into his shoulder and closed her eyes, allowing herself this one fleeting glimpse of childhood fantasy. It was where princes in shimmering armor would rescue their princesses from tremendous peril in a heroic display of valor and devotion.

Once in her life, she had been called a princess. The Forest Owls had given her that name, whether out of kindness or jest because she was the spoiled daughter of a general, she was never quite sure. She had never asked them. She knew there was no sincerity behind their pet name for her and she tried not to pretend. The young woman saw herself as anything but a princess. Especially now, after she had become the antagonist of her time, the bane of the world.

Fairytales allowed you a few brief moments of escape from the realities of life which were not so kind. In fairytales someone will always hear you, no matter how far away. They would rush in and save you just in the knick of time and take you to some far away land to live happily ever after. The reality was cries for help, more often that not, would be heard by no one and nothing but your own ears.

Just in this one moment she wanted that. Rinoa wanted to believe that the pain in her life was over. That all the wrongs and injustice of this life could be erased and every day from here on out would be bright and beautiful. Everyone would be happy, there would be no more suffering and no one would need to hide. She wanted to feel the warmth and believe in the illusion like she used to when her mother would tell her that story about the sorceress of a forgotten time and the power of true love.

True love. If only something like that existed, if only life could be that simple.

Rinoa sighed heavily. She was trying to forget and wasn't doing much of a job of it. So much was running through her head yet the one consistent thought that broke through everything was how good it felt to be in his arms. These weren't the feelings she was supposed to be having right now, these were the feelings she was supposed to be letting go of for everyone else's sake. If she could do one thing for him, it would be this. Letting him go to live the life he deserved. She could offer him nothing but pain and heartache and it was stupid to think it could be anything more. Her love would not be enough. Sorceresses didn't have happy endings anymore. Perhaps if she weren't so tried, she might have tried to explain this to him.


	31. Far Away From Close

_**Chapter Thirty-One: Far Away From Close **_

Squall tried to be careful carrying her up the narrow stairs. He tried to appear strong for her, even while his insides were crumbling. He suddenly wanted to tell her everything, to tell her about the life he had lived after he had failed her. The life she thought she knew so well… his pathetic existence. Perhaps if she knew just how much he had cared for her, how much he cared for her now. How he suffered through the unrelenting pain of his mistake every single day she was missing from the world. Then maybe she could fully understand his feelings right now. He wasn't sure he fully understood them himself. But he couldn't tell her of the darkness he endured, the illusions, and the light he had sought from the bottoms of all the bottles of alcohol, the pills he had took too many of to cloud his mind.

All of it to kill a pain that would not die.

The young man knew that he couldn't. He would not allow it. Knowing her as he did, she would blame herself, and that was something he would die before he would let happen. He was the one who had sinned. He was the one who had wronged _her_, not the other way around. He was the one that was too late. Squall Leonhart had earned, he had deserved his pain.

He carried her down the hallway to her room turning to the side to enter the doorway. Reaching her bed, he stopped and hesitated. A part of him not wanting to let go of her, wanting just to hold her like this until the end of time. The feel of her body against him, having her so close, it filled him with such serenity. It filled his body with such strength that she felt weightless in his arms.

Nervously he chanced a glimpse at her face. Her head rested against his shoulder, her eyes were closed. Squall would have figured the young woman asleep were it not for one of her fingers idly tracing the emblem of Griever that hung around his neck. It was as if she was trying to memorize its form in the darkness.

As gently as he could, he placed her on the bed trying hard to fight back his clumsy inexperience. He had never done anything like this. Elise would be the first to say that he didn't have a romantic bone in his body, and it was true. A pang of guilt shot through him as the name passed through his mind. The headmaster hesitated for a moment and swallowed the lump of guilt in his throat. Guilt that he knew he should be feeling more, he should be trying to stop himself… and he couldn't. As much as he could have willed it he had lost all control. He could fight the host of monsters that fell with the Lunar Cry, but he could not fight this. Not when every fiber of his being told him that it was right. When he felt the scars of his heart lessen just a little bit more every time he was close to her.

Rinoa opened her eyes and looked at him. She blinked a couple of times bringing herself out of the daydream she'd finally been able to fall into. Her arms hung loosely around his neck. He could pull away any time he wanted… yet he didn't. She smiled warmly, the tears slowly drying on her cheeks.

"Thank you," she whispered. Her eyelids felt heavy and she tried hard to push against them for just a little longer. Sleep summoned her and though she was prepared to answer she wanted to remain with him just another blissful moment. She didn't know when this would all end but she did know one thing for certain. This… this could never come again.

The day had been hard and their emotions were spent. They had went from anger to exasperation to full blown ecstasy in less than twenty-four hours. He lingered there above her in the darkness taking in all the beauty of the moment. The way her eyes shined in the faint light of the windows and he could see just enough of her face to see that she was smiling. It was a small and tired smile, but it was genuine. Squall could not keep himself from doing the same. Even after everything he had done to her, she could still smile. If she possessed that much strength then maybe, maybe he could learn to smile again too. Just as long as she was there with him, reminding him of how much beauty there could be with just one simple gesture. He suddenly realized his eyes were loitering on her lips and it caused him to swallow hard. He was thankful for the darkness that hid the heated flush he felt rising through his face.

The feeling before when he had kissed her had been so overwhelmingly indescribable he wondered if there was a chance they could try again. In the hopes that he could perhaps place this feeling that seemed to border on the edge of madness. The headmaster wondered if he could be so bold to try it just once more. If only he could find the strength to move. Without fully realizing it, he was moving... though he hardly felt it was of his own doing. Squall felt as if he were in her atmosphere being drawn by a gravitational force he could not pull out of. Now he was just inches away from her, the heat of her breath sending chills through his body. He returned his gaze to her eyes… and froze.

Her eyes were filled with deep remorse. The shame she felt for this act conveyed to him without any words. As if reality had come and whispered the truth in her ear that neither of them wanted to hear. She was telling him to stop. Oh he knew, yes, he knew this was wrong. Fate had seen fit to tear apart everything that felt so right and make it wrong. It was just in the past few hours his heart had managed to disconnect itself from his head somehow.

He wasn't thinking, he was just feeling, feeling things that he had thought long dead inside him. And look where that had taken them. Elise, what had she done to deserve this kind of betrayal? She only dragged him out of his pit of despair and helped him to live again. What little life it had been after that, she had been there for him through all of it. She wanted to marry him… and he hadn't even called her to tell her he was okay. Then there was Rinoa, a woman who had every right to hate him for what he had done to her. And when she did not, what did he do but drag her into another hopeless situation, one where everyone would be hurt. The guilt he had wondered about earlier returned to him in full force.

Rinoa wanted nothing more than to feel his lips against her own. But it wasn't what Squall deserved. It wasn't what that woman who was probably driving herself crazy with worry deserved. She wasn't what he deserved. No, Squall deserved to be happy with someone who had as bright a future as he did. Someone who wasn't a child trapped in a reality she was frightened to face. Someone who didn't have to spend the rest of their life hiding like a fugitive with a false identity. No, the world deserved Squall Leonhart in it; she would not keep him from it. If it was one thing she could give to the world she could give that at least. He was too beautiful to be trapped in this recluse life with her. He deserved so much better… and she knew that was waiting on him. She just had to let him go.

_Just a little longer._

He pulled himself up and she saw that he understood even though it pained him. She was grateful for that no matter much her heart ached at that moment. It was for the best. Gently the sorceress allowed herself to caress his cheek with a light brush of her fingertips as if grasping at a dream she could not have. To her surprise he gave her a small but very beautiful smile, closing his eyes against the lightness of her touch. He was breathtaking when he smiled, his features accentuated by the pale light coming through the window.

Squall moved away from her and stood. He reached down to her feet where he unlaced her shoes and pulled them off. The headmaster took hold of the quilts gathered at the end of the unmade bed and pulled them over her, bringing them up to her chin in an almost parental gesture that he felt rather foolish doing. Rinoa bit her lip and chuckled lightly at the motion.

"Thanks," she said again as she tried to expand her smile.

"Try to sleep." He muttered and cursed himself for how stupid he sounded.

The sorceress nodded and rolled over on her side. Squall pulled off his boots and walked over to the other side of the bed where he lay down on top of the quilts, careful of the space between them. He propped the pillow beneath him up so he could look at her.

"I'll be right here."

She nodded and closed her eyes, surrendering to her weariness. She hoped the nightmares wouldn't come. Nor did she want any of the illusions that fooled one into thinking that things were better only to have everything ripped away again when she opened her eyes. Rinoa really hoped she didn't dream at all. But at least, for just one night, he was here with her.

"God Rinoa, how I've dreamed of you."

It was but a whispered breath yet it caught her ears. She opened her eyes again to him seeing his own look back at her, glistening with an uncertain emotion in the darkness. Without any words the young woman unearthed her arm from her quilted cocoon and slid it across the mattress towards him, her hand outstretched. With little hesitation he reached out to take it. They met in the middle, wrapping his fingers gently around hers.

"I'll be here too," she whispered before letting sleep claim her.

Finally, settling into his pillow Squall closed his eyes. And for the first night in a long time neither of them dreamed. There were no tears, no screams of horror. No assistance from sleeping pills was needed. They had each other and for once, a decent night's sleep.

* * *

The sun had barely begun its ascent to the heavens when Squall awoke. Though one look at the gray predawn sky and anyone in Winhill could tell you it was going to be a gorgeous day. An antagonist to the previous day's aerial havoc, though the sun would reveal the damage left behind in the wake. Broken windows, downed trees, leaky roofs, and a couple of flooded basements were the first things to be noticed by the weather weary community.

The first thing Squall noticed when he opened his eyes, was the patchwork cocoon lying next to him. A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth and he was unable to suppress it. Stray locks of dark hair jutted haphazardly out of the small opening. It was the only clue the outside viewer had that there was an occupant to be found deep within the shell. That and the hand that had remained firmly clasped in his throughout the night.

He gazed at her slender fingers entwined with his own and his smile grew a little wider at the warmth he felt radiating through him, like the sun reflecting off a pool of water on a warm summer's day. Far from unbearable, it was just a consistently warm and steady glow. He guessed the contact they shared was its origin. Though as he reached and pulled back the blanket to see her sleeping face, it seemed he couldn't deny that perhaps some of that warmth had derived from his heart.

She captivated him much like she had done the morning before. Just the sight of her caught up in the peaceful reverie of sleep gave him that same serenity he felt when he had held her the night before. He felt as if he could serve no greater purpose than to just watch over her as she slept, protecting her from anything that would dare disturb her tranquil slumber.

Somewhere in the back of his mind was that persistent voice of reason telling him to stop, telling him to wake up, and telling him at this moment this was the last thing he needed to be doing. Yet just one look at her could drown that inner voice within him with the feelings he had tried so long to suppress and leave behind. Right now he felt as if he were exactly where he was supposed to be.

Squall never realized he was subconsciously stroking her hand with his thumb until she cracked open an eye and looked at him. Embarrassed, he tried desperately to find another object to focus on in the room. He slid his hand back and wracked his brain for a viable excuse. Too bad it was too late to feign sleep. The headmaster stopped his fidgeting and returned his gaze to her when he heard the sound of her melodious laughter.

"Every once in a while I can see the Squall Leonhart I used to know." She smiled.

He shrugged his shoulders and chuckled lightly at her amused expression. "Nah… I haven't changed that much."

_Not for the better anyway. _

The young man lowered his gaze from hers.

"Did you sleep well?"

He was grateful for the change of subject looking back up at her and nodding. "Yeah, did you?"

Rinoa yawned and stretched. "Honestly, I can't remember the last time I rested that well."

"Me either."

"Well, it was a long day, and who knows what else was in Maude's chowder," she said lightly. He remained silent, seemingly questioning her logic behind his grey eyes. It was a lie, an outright dodging of what they both were feeling.

She knew in her heart the real reason she had slept so well, the reason she felt like she was at peace for the first time in her life, though she dare not say it. She wasn't going to hold him with her words, what would that do but bind him more to her by guilt? The sorceress could still feel his lips burning upon hers from the night before. There was a desperate yearning within that wanted this to last; she wanted to stay like this forever, just looking into his eyes. And yet she would not hold him, she could not hold him to the past. He _did_ have a future and she was determined not to ruin it for him. She came to her senses last night, she was able to stop herself, she could do it again.

Sighing inaudibly she reached for his hand and gave it a gentle reassuring squeeze. "Don't think too much this early in the morning Squall, it's unhealthy." Rinoa bit her lip against the overpowering sensation that came with just the touch of his skin. She felt her heart quicken at the contact. Perhaps the least she could do for herself was to just enjoy what ever time they had left.

The headmaster came back from his thoughts at her touch and gave a slight smirk at her statement. "Where did you hear that?"

"Some leading health magazine… and personal experience."

"Oh?"

"Yep."

"Well… I'd be interested to learn about this study. Maybe you could give me the magazine title and issue number so I can look it up, sounds like an exciting read."

"Nope. Can't."

"And why's that?"

"It'd require thinking early in the morning." She finished the sentence with her best serious face, holding it for a moment before breaking out in fit of laughter.

Squall couldn't help himself as he began laughing along with her. No, it hadn't been that funny, but suddenly it seemed that laughter was the only thing left to release. The anger, the hurt, the shame, the sadness, the guilt they shared secretly, it was if all of it had been spent and only laughter remained. It was something they had never shared and it felt good, really good. Everything was just sort of washed away with the simple act. Soon they found they had laughed so hard that tears had begun to stream down their faces.

"I…don't know…what's…got into us," Rinoa said between gasps. "Have we…completely gone off the deep end?"

"Probably," Squall managed.

At that moment Esperanza decided to jump on the bed causing them both to recoil in surprise at the sudden jolt.

"Esperanza!" The young woman yelled, subconsciously signing the dog's name.

The dog wiggled her back end and bowed her head sheepishly sensing her master's irritation. Rinoa smiled at the canine's antics and shook her head at the pitiful look she was giving the two of them.

"Do we have room for anyone else on this bed?"

Squall gave a mock sigh of exasperation and rolled his eyes. "I suppose."

"Aww Espy, Squall said you could stay." She patted the bed using their intertwined hands.

Esperanza bounced forward happily settling herself between them. She made a couple of circles before lying down. The young woman scratched behind one of the dog's ears with her free hand and smiled warmly as she saw his hand begin scratching behind the other ear.

"We're going to ruin her."

"I'm pretty sure she's already there," he replied.

The dog closed her eyes and yawned, putting her head down between them. As a gesture of returned love and acceptance of this union, she gingerly licked their joined hands before resting her head on top of them.

"Looks like you have a fan Squall."

The young man merely grunted in response as he looked down at the dog. His mind drifted back to the signs, the visions he had before he found out she was alive. He wondered now if he was getting signs of a different nature. If so he was going to be damn sure to heed them this time.

"I suppose I should take her out," Rinoa said as she tapped the dog on the head and made the hand gesture to signal to her that it was time to go out. Esperanza yipped excitedly before jumping to her feet and leaping off the bed to head downstairs to the door. The sorceress sat up and rubbed her eyes wearily as the fatigue began catching up with her.

"Damn, it's early."

As she began to move Squall held onto her hand more firmly and pulled her back. She turned to face him with a puzzled look. "Stay," he said. "I'll take her out."

"No you don't have to—"

"I want to. You need to rest."

"But…"

"Come here." He reached further up her arm and pulled her gently back to the bed. He didn't know what was coming over him, being so bold. His cheeks began radiating that familiar heat as he put his arms around her and pulled her close to him. Rinoa found herself unable to resist this temptation of comfort, of being close to him again. She pulled the blanket back around her shoulders and nestled against him, resting her head on his chest. She already began to drift as she felt one of his hands gently caress her hair.

"Just sleep," he said softly. "You've taken care of me… now let me take care of you."

"Squall…" She muttered but soon lost her argument in the haze of drowsiness that had overtaken her. Instead all she could manage was a relaxed sigh, after all sleeping next to him just felt so right. Soon there was nothing but the steady run of his hand through her hair and the soothing sound of his heartbeat lulling her back to her dreamless sleep.

* * *

She awoke with a start a sudden feeling of emptiness overtaking her as she no longer felt his arms around her and instead of the firm support of his body her head sank deeper into a pillow. Panicked she shot up from her lying position and looked frantically around the room.

He was gone.

"Squall?" She ventured to call his name. There was no answer.

"Squall!" She called more loudly, hoping the fears of her heart would not be realized.

The only sound was that of her own shallow breathing. She had to get a grip. This was what she had wanted for him. He saw the chance and he took it… that was all. He was free… free from her and all of the burdens that came with her. It was for the best. It was what was best for him.

Oh God she wasn't ready for this.

All the preparation all of the reasoning she put upon herself all of it had vanished and only one thing could register. He was gone. He had slipped out of her life just as quickly as he had slipped back into it. She wanted to be happy… happy for him. Though try as she might the only thing she could feel was a vast emptiness engulfing her soul. Rinoa tightened her grip on the bed trying to fight back the urge to scream. As she did this one of her fingers brushed against a foreign object that rustled beneath her touch. The sorceress looked down and found the note that he had left for her. With a trembling hand she picked it up fearful of what she might read.

"_I thought you might be hungry when you woke up, so I have gone to look for anything that resembles breakfast in this town. Don't worry I don't plan on accepting any handouts from Maude. I took care of everything so just take it easy and pet the dog until I get back. I will be back soon."_

_­-Squall_

A deep sigh of relief exited through parted lips as she closed her eyes in grateful reprieve that she knew was wrong to feel. Her selfish longings would be the death of her. But God did it feel good in this moment for her to be wrong. Wearily drained from her sudden dread she stumbled out of bed and searched the floor for her shoes before making the trek downstairs, reprimanding herself the entire way for her paranoia and overreactions.

Rinoa hazily walked into the kitchen. Rubbing the bridge of her nose, she tried to focus as the light sifted through the opening in the curtains. She mumbled inaudibly looking at the small stack of dishes drying systematically in the holder. Apparently Squall really had made his way down here and taken care of everything as he said, including letting Esperanza out. The dog was stretched out on the loveseat as if she owned the place. Which Rinoa supposed in the canine's world, she probably did.

The young sorceress looked around and noticed how everything else also appeared in perfect condition. No errant candles lining the floor, no unused lights still turned on from before the power had been lost, everything in its place, everything as it should be – everything in order as if Squall Leonhart's existence had been just a sadistic illusion. But he wasn't right? She hoped to God that he wasn't.

Then again, she knew he had to be real. _He was real_ - because only something so real could hurt so much when it was lost. He did not belong here, everything that should be in her home - currently was, everything that should not be, well... currently wasn't. She would have to face that fact sooner or later. Just because he might come walking through her front door in the next few minutes, did not mean that he would be walking through it tonight, tomorrow, or any day after. She knew every minute was limited and that every hour was just borrowed from someone else's life.

A life that was never destined to be within her reach.

Walking over to where Esperanza was laying, Rinoa saw the quilt from last night folded neatly on the back of the couch. The same blanket the headmaster had placed gently around her arms; the one that was wrapped around her when they kissed and she felt the world would crash around her. The young sorceress' body reacted with a sudden chill that radiated from her spinal cord, whether from the memories or bitter realization of the future - she could not decipher. She slowly reached her hand over to the quilt before finally finding the strength to pick it up; she mimicked the actions from last night although it could never be the same.

Rinoa's eyes closed as she felt the heavy material fall over her shoulders. It brought her warmth and comfort and for a moment she could feel his arms wrap around her and his scent filling her lungs. Her fingers traced the edges as she remembered how his hands felt against her back, against her skin. Maybe they were memories that she was never supposed to have, but they were memories that she would carry with her for a lifetime and whatever laid beyond. She wrapped the blanket around her tighter and looked toward the door.

He wasn't 'gone' she had to keep reminding herself, but why did it feel like he was never further away? Last night had been a blessing and a curse - one that would forever haunt and plague both her nightmares and dreams. She had to snap herself out of this trance; she had to keep her sanity intact, if not for her, but at least for his sake.

The young woman smiled looking down at Esperanza who had been closely scrutinizing her master over the last few moments. The dog had not made much of an effort to acknowledge her, beyond the flickering motion of her 'tail' wagging back and forth. It made Rinoa want to laugh when the little stump waved frantically back and forth in its best endeavor. Even when Angelo was still around, it was something she never grew tired of seeing. At least that was one trait that was passed down from mother to daughter. That and the emotion they held behind their eyes. Much like Squall... but Rinoa guessed if she ever told him that she was comparing him to a furry canine he would not be thrilled in the least. Actually a pair of furry canines, but two that had become her best friends over the years she had been living; they were friends that she had come to count on no matter what circumstance the world threw at her feet.

"Thank you for just being here," she whispered to Esperanza as she reached down and scratching behind the dog's ear with her index finger. This act was met with great appreciation from the dog, who lazily attempted to rollover onto her back with a slight whimper. "Oh you're eating all this extra attention up, aren't you girl? You big 'ol ham. I bet he even fed you table scraps this morning too, didn't he? Well as long as Maude didn't cook it, I think you'll be perfectly safe."

Rinoa giggled slightly realizing just how perfect everything seemed. Even Esperanza seemed to be getting used to having the second human around and it had all been over the course of forty-eight hours. This couldn't end well. The young woman sighed bringing her hand back to her, and wrapped the blanket tightly around her again. For a moment she felt lost in her own house. Honestly, she didn't know where to go, what to do. Everything seemed so foreign at that moment and everything she did felt as if the actions were being performed by someone else.

Closing her eyes the young woman rolled her head in a counter clockwise circle, and heard the sounds of small popping as the tension was relieved. It had to have been the best night sleep she had in ages, yet her body still craved to do nothing more than go back upstairs and fall under layers upon layers of thick blankets. Still Rinoa felt that she wasted enough time sleeping; right now she wanted to be awake and to enjoy the life that was surrounding her and the company that was near – whenever he decided to walk through that door.

After another moment, she opened her eyes trying again to fight back the urge to yawn. She decided to head back to the kitchen and start a pot of coffee. Not that she drank a lot, but right now, she was willing to try anything to give her that much needed jolt. She walked passed the phone stand and happened to see the familiar red glow of the answering machine. As soon as her eyes saw the light, her body froze with an unknown fear.

Honestly not many people called her and usually it was never for a good reason. The only people who had any social contact with her were Quistis and Laguna, and right now she figured both of them were aware of the situation. Maybe the fantasy was always meant to end, but she had hoped the reality would have waited just a few hours longer – days longer. Who the hell was she kidding? This would be for the best and maybe that is why she knew it would hurt so much.

Without realizing it, she had been subconsciously holding the air in her lungs. She could barely hit the play button as her finger was shaking more than she even knew possible.

"You have one new message." The computer droned as she found herself anxiously wrapping the blanket around her even tighter.

"_Hello..."_ the voice began without outward uncertainty. The speaker did not sound familiar to Rinoa and for a moment an involuntary wave of relief spread over her. A wrong number? Could she be that fortunate? Maybe someone called and unexpectedly got a machine... she almost began to laugh again when the speaker continued.

"_I apologize for leaving this message. I'm trying to reach Squall Leonhart." _There was a long pause on the other end and both the speaker and Rinoa shared the intense uncertainty. "_This is Elise Vandermere his... this is the resident doctor at Trabia_ _Garden,"_ the woman's voice stated with an over emphasis on the word 'doctor.' Rinoa could tell how much it pained her to distance herself like that. She could not even bear to imagine the trials the other woman was facing back in Trabia.

The young sorceress closed her eyes as the woman's voice repeated obstinately in her mind. It was a sound that she could not shake. In an instant every fear she had multiplied with the force of surging typhoon; it felt as if every bit of air had been viciously forced from her lungs, and oxygen just out of her grasp.

"_I am leaving this message for the headmaster in case he hears it. I... I have tried to call his mobile but it seems to be... unavailable. I'm only leaving this message to let him know that... to know that I was contacted today by the Garden Council. They have been... concerned about the timing surrounding his unexpected leave of absence. I... I didn't want to leave this message... please believe me when I say... this honestly is something I wish could have been left undone."_

Rinoa could no longer take the pressure as she reached forward grasping the corner of the table for balance. She could not even find the will to cry; right now she didn't even think she had the strength in her.

"_Squall... they are asking me more questions now. As your... fia- physician... I can answer some of them, but my answers cannot protect... well, they cannot protect from all truths they would find if they went searching. Headmaster Trepe and Present Loire_ _both have been in contact with me this morning. Quistis found it best for everyone involved that she arrive in Esthar earlier than planned... well... to help smooth over anything she could with the Council Members. She also mentioned that the Kramers have also left Deling, although I have not talked with either of them personally. _

"_As your... As your doctor I'm not asking you to return to Trabia... I cannot ask something of you that you are unable to give. I just need to let you know that everyone here is going to fight on your behalf." _

"_I'm not changing my plans. I didn't want to... cause anymore speculation. I'll be leaving tomorrow night for Esthar as originally planned. I know the first stages are just the deposition. Just again know that your comrades, friends, and family, will be there for you. The rest is up to you."_

The message ended and she found herself unable to catch her breath. Her knees felt as if they were going to give out as she willed herself to walk to a nearby chair. She felt nauseous, she felt sick, and she could barely choke back the bile rising from her stomach. It was then she realized everybody important in his life was fighting for him, for his future, and his reputation at Garden, and all she could do was think of herself. There was so much conflict in her mind, the guilt, the anger at her own selfishness, her own fears – it was just too many emotions to try to categorize into rational order.

Everything she had done, everything she had felt now seemed to consume her with incomparable guilt. Elise seemed so real, so hurt, and yet tried to remain as considerate as possible. Squall's fiancée _knew_ about Rinoa's existence – and Rinoa could never live with this guilt. All she could do was blame herself for yet another failure in her life; she would be damned if she was going to drag someone as beautiful as Squall Leonhart down with her.

She heard the sound of the door unlatching and knew if she did not follow through now, she would become mentally weaker with every passing second.

"How do people make a living around here?" he said as he walked through the door. "You won't believe all of the food I was able to get for nearly nothing." Rinoa heard the sound of a paper bag rustling. "I didn't know what you would rather have so I got some bagels, some croissants, muffins, doughnuts…" He stopped suddenly as if he felt her distress. Truly it was as if all the air had spontaneously left the room. "Rinoa?" He said more softly taking a tentative step in her direction.

The young sorceress knew if she looked at him, saw his eyes, she could never say the words. It would take everything in her, everything that she ever wanted to be - the person who could do the right thing without once thinking of her own selfish desires. Before she could change her mind she found the courage to speak the words out loud.

"Squall, you need to go home."


	32. I Will Remember You

**_Chapter Thirty-Two: I Will Remember You _**

Her hands trembled as she gently set the phone back onto the cradle. Elise swallowed when the bile began to slowly rise from her stomach. The doctor struggled for breath, for sanity, or for anything that would ground her back into reality. She could not fathom what she had just done, or the fact that she actually felt guilty about intruding on his life - his time with_ her_. Ironic this was the ending to everything she had known, the security she had not realized her life had flourished in during the last four years. It was travesty, a mocking, a vile attempt to imitate something she could never be, something she could never have. A joke.

The call had been the last thing she wanted to do; she had weighed the consequences in her mind, but in the end there was only one choice. She had to make the call. Too many people's lives depended on it; too many secrets would have come to light. The council was not one to be taken lightly; their influence on all political governing bodies went way beyond the walls of Garden. If they wanted answers, they would get them by any means possible.

So she had come to the only decision her mind would allow, Elise swallowed her pride and fear, dialing her phone. The number had not been easy to obtain; in fact, it took an almost thirty minute phone call to Esthar. When she was finally put on the line with Laguna, he was more than hesitant to give it out to anyone. Still, even he knew that there was only one choice, even though he hated himself for having to do this – to all of them Squall, Rinoa, and even Elise.

The doctor and Laguna momentarily debated on if he should be the one to make the call, but Squall would be more resistant to any ideas suggested by the President. It was something almost inbred into the headmaster's mind, agreeing with his father would require a near miracle. Sometimes logic and reason found themselves absent when that subject was concerned. Elise could get through to Squall; somehow she always had, even if he had yet to discover this realization. He valued her, though not in the way she had always hoped.

She had not wanted to speak directly to Rinoa, what could she possibly say? The only bit of luck in this whole nightmare was that a machine had picked up. She had never liked voice mail or answering machines, but today that robot voice sounded like a savior to her ears. She should have prepared more for what she was going to say, but even if she had rehearsed the words a thousand times - it would not have not made a damn bit of difference.

In contrast, her answers earlier to the Garden councilman's questions were far more professional and prepared. She might not have had all the answers, but the words she chose seem to appease the man, at least in the present. However callous his tone may have been, she survived that call in relatively good shape – though her spirit was another story.

"_Dr. Vandermere the council demands to know the headmaster's whereabouts."_

"_Sir, Squall Leonhart was called away on an urgent matter. Though it did not pertain to Trabia's military operations, it greatly influenced the day to day financial obligations."_

"_Garden related, I presume?" _

"_I can assure you Garden money was involved." _Elise managed with a confidence in her voice that had been lacking.

It wasn't an outright lie; a portion of Squall's weekly paycheck went into an account managed by Garden's trustees back in Balamb. She just left out the small, _significant_ detail that 'the money' was from the headmaster's personal funds and not related anything to Garden expenditures. She still had to give the man on the phone something more; he would doubtfully let her answers rest with that statement.

Portraying that confidence that she early found, Elise continued, _"A series of suspected unauthorized transactions were being routed into another account. I, personally, do not have any further details beyond what I am cleared to know. I can assuredly tell you that the Headmaster was extremely upset and took the matter personally. Any further details will have to be filled in by Headmaster Leonhart upon his return."_

"_...And just when is this supposed return to occur?" _

"_Shortly, I can assure you. His duties lie first and foremost with what is best for all those concerned."_

"_That is all well and good Doctor, but if we don't hear directly from him immediately, we will be forced to look at this matter more closely. Trust me, I can assure you that **nobody**, including you Dr. Vandermere, would like that outcome. His attendance is required in Esthar within two days, and the council better hear a damn good explanation for his actions – all of them."_

It was a threat and she knew it. It was not only against Squall, but her as well and more than likely anybody else they decided to drag down in the process. There was already too much at stake. If they found Squall in Winhill, the discovery of Rinoa's existence would not be far behind. It would only be a matter of time before they found of Quistis' involvement, and even Laguna Loire's political future lay in the balance. Esthar broke a treaty by unsealing her, one that was signed by all heads of government worldwide. No sorceress shall be ever allowed to walk this earth free. Their unrivaled potential frightened them and the millions of citizens that brought them into power.

"_Understood," _Elise firmly replied trying to bite back the malice in her voice. _"Understood..."_

* * *

"Wh…What?" Squall managed, the gravity of those six words pulling his heart into his stomach. He had heard her wrong… that was all. She couldn't have meant that, not after all they had been through, not after all this time of being apart. He couldn't have this ripped away from him. Not again.

He watched as she stiffened, her hands clenched tightly at her sides. The headmaster knew then that his ears had not deceived him and he cursed them for being right.

"I said you need to go home." Her voice was softer but the tone more firm.

He took another weighted step as his heart fell further. "Rinoa I don't understand… please…"

"Stop Squall… before you say anything else… just listen." She reached forward with a shaky hand and pressed the play button once more. As Elise's wavering voice filled the silence she found that she could not stand it a second time.

The headmaster watched her exit swiftly up the stairs apologizing and mumbling something about needing to find some aspirin. It was lost amid the roar in his ears however and the pained breaking of his fiancée's heart hidden vaguely behind a mask of professionalism. The first thing to cross his mind…

"_I... I didn't want to leave this message... please believe me when I say... this honestly is something I wish could have been left undone."_

...Was that she knew. He closed his eyes and slowly released the breath that was beginning to burn his lungs. Of course she knew…he never doubted her intelligence, her determination. Something he had always admired in her. If only he would have called her… tried to explain… perhaps she would not have had to endure as much as she obviously had. She was suffering. He could hear it with every sharp intake of breath he heard as she spoke of the council, of his friends, of the world he had left behind him two days ago never looking back.

"_As your... As your doctor I'm not asking you to return to Trabia... I cannot ask something of you that you are unable to do. I just needed to let you know that everyone here is going to fight on your behalf." _

Even after all he had done… they would still fight for him. Why would anyone fight for such an undeserving monster? He destroyed the lives of anyone who got close to him. It was clear to him now more than ever. Squall listened as she finished, telling him how they would all be there to support him. How in the world could she continue to support him after everything? Where could she find the strength to even look at him anymore?

Why could he not find the strength to leave the happiness he'd found? Of course the honorable thing was to return and to face his judgment. He couldn't leave her… not after this… she needed him. She needed to be protected.

"_You need her you selfish bastard. She seemed to be doing fine before you got here."_

He sighed as he tossed the bag of food onto the table before putting his head in his hands. He could not control his selfish desires when it came to her. She brought peace and meaning to his tempest tossed life eight years ago. A completion he knew now that he could find nowhere else. It was here… all he had to do was stay… it seemed like an easy choice.

Garden did pose a threat however. They would utilize every resource they had to find him. Inevitably they _would_ find him. He would lead them straight to her, and he would be responsible for ending her life a second time. Then again, would they really care that much about an alcoholic headmaster? Was it really worth their time and money to go on a manhunt for a man that posed only a danger to himself outside of Garden? Although he had no trouble admitting that he would tear out every throat in the council before he allowed them so much as a glimpse at Rinoa.

So many thoughts ran through his head as Elise continued to shatter his illusion through the small speaker of the answering machine. Why did everything in his life have to be so damn difficult? Why couldn't he see the things in his life as black and white instead of all of these fucking shades of grey? Why did his choices always end up hurting the ones he cared for most in this world? And when did he become so selfish as to consider what he wanted when their lives were at stake?

"_I know the first stages are just the deposition, just again know that your comrades, friends, and family, will be there for you. The rest is up to you."_

The answering machine beeped before allowing the silence to envelop the room and his heart. He wanted to scream at the conflicting voices in his head though he could find no voice to do so. Squall began to feel the familiar ache in his head from the previous day, and even the wound beneath his bandaged hand felt as if it the glass still remained steadily embedding itself deeper.

Absently he rubbed the fabric above the cut in an attempt to ease the pain creeping from the depths to take hold of him once more. This morning waking up next to her he felt lighter than air. Just seeing her face made every care he ever had seemingly dissolve into nothingness if only for a moment. The weight of the world had found him and now lay upon his shoulders pushing him further into his despair, crushing his lungs with every breath.

He looked up to see Rinoa standing in the doorway of the kitchen. He had no idea that she had come back downstairs. She had changed into some fresh clothes and was idly sipping at a glass of water while she stared off into the distance. Feeling his eyes upon her she returned his gaze and offered him her best optimistic smile even as her eyes seemed to be drowning in sorrow.

She was trying to collect herself and she was failing miserably. The sorceress knew however this was going to take all of her strength to let him go, and she could not show him weakness now. She was going to have to push him. The guilt he felt would hold him here, and she would not allow him to ruin his life, the life of his friends, even the life of the other woman that loved him.

"There's a train leaving in an hour. It's the last train for another two days. They only run twice a week dropping off and picking up supplies. You won't get to Trabia on time if you don't catch this train. Go grab your stuff, we're going to have to hurry to make it…."

"No," he said firmly.

"Squall…" She began slowly.

"I… I don't want to leave Rinoa," he said softly.

She choked back a sob before continuing, "You can't stay Squall and you know it."

"I can't leave you."

"Yes, you can. I know you feel guilty for what happened to me. You confessed all of that to me last night. I'm going to tell you one more time before I say this. I never blamed you for any of it. It was a choice I made without regret, it always has been. The choice I made was through no fault of your own. I did what I thought had to be done. I never looked back and I still do not regret. The only thing I regret is the pain you've inflicted upon yourself for my decision. I _never_ meant to hurt you."

She stepped out of the doorway, discarding the glass on the table as she made her way towards him. "Though if my forgiveness is what it takes for you to be free of the burden you've carried with you these past years then you have it. I forgive you Squall Leonhart."

The tears were falling and she could no longer stop them as she looked into his pain ridden eyes. He was trying to form words and she couldn't allow him to reason with her… she knew her heart would give in.

"Thousands of people are depending on you. They're looking to you for leadership and guidance. You can't give that up for something you think you owe me. Your friends…our friends are going to fight for you. They're going to take a stand for you. You can't dishonor that by staying here with me. I couldn't live with myself if they ended up being punished because I'm free. My freedom isn't worth that."

He dropped his gaze to the floor. She was right about that. Laguna would be stripped of his title and most likely face imprisonment. Quistis would be punished for aiding in concealing the sorceress. She would lose everything too. He didn't really give a damn what happened to Garden anymore but he couldn't pretend that he didn't care about his friends, the only family he'd ever known.

"You know something," she began to speak again. He returned his eyes to the one who held his heart, her face now just a few inches from his own. "When I was in the sealing chamber seeing you there on the other side of the glass I reached for you. It wasn't because I was trying to escape, that I was waiting to be rescued. No. I only had one wish. And that was to be able to reach through the glass and touch you just one more time." She laughed and wiped the tears from my eyes. "I've got my wish Squall and so much more than I could have ever hoped for. I'll never forget that. I want you to live free of all of this. Live the life you deserve with the one you deserve to be with. Do that for me. That's the only thing I'm asking of you. I…"

The young woman was cut off by the pair of arms that encircled her and pulled her tightly to him. She returned his fierce embrace crying into his shoulder. Squall fought with his own tears as they snaked down his cheeks. He didn't want to leave… but it seemed he didn't have any choice for the sake of his friends, for Elise, and for the sake of _her._ It seemed that this time Rinoa knew what was for the best.

* * *

She stood staring at the small passenger train pulling into the station. She pulled at her jacket more tightly in an effort to lessen the cold that had already sunk to the furthest reaches of her bones. This would be the last time she would ever see Squall Leonhart, and this would be the vessel that would carry him away from her forever.

Ironic they had officially met on a train, being introduced to each other after that night in Balamb when they were just two dancing strangers, him being the rather reluctant dancer. Somehow she managed to smile at the memory, his confusion clearly visible on his face bewildered by her persistence. She had no idea what road their lives would take after that night… she never really thought she would see him again.

"Got my ticket." His somber voice rose from behind her.

Even now faced with the heart ripping conclusion of saying goodbye to him forever… she wouldn't have changed a thing. If she had it to do all over she still would have danced with him in Balamb, she would have followed him to the ends of the earth, and fallen for him all over again. Meeting him, knowing him was the best thing that ever happened to her and that was nothing she would regret. She would love him until the day she died, even though they were a world apart. Rinoa turned around to face him.

"So I guess you're all set then?" She tried her best to be cheerful.

"No." He said hoarsely. How could he go through with this? The ache of being without her had already begun to reanimate itself even while he was looking into her eyes. The walk to the station had proceeded in silence. So much he could have told her then… the absolution of his feelings. Things he should have tried to explain. Yes, he did seek her forgiveness for his failure… but he refused to believe that guilt was responsible for the way he felt last night, the way he felt now. It was something… different. Something that he could not describe, could not place. How could guilt have created what he felt for her?

"_All aboard!"_

"Looks like they're boarding." She turned, unable to look at his hurt filled eyes any longer. It would pass for him, when he left this place he would feel better. It might take time, however she knew that cutting his ties to her would be a burden lifted from his soul. Once he was free of her, his heart could let go of the past and soar to the full potential he possessed. He could live and love the way he was meant to. And she knew, she could see that the man before her had a light within him that could rival all of the stars. All she had to do was pull back that veil of doubt and remorse. This was the only way to do it.

The young woman reached into her pocket, pulled out a small paper bag, and handed it to him. "I put some of the pastries you bought in there… if you get hungry on the train. Train rides can get pretty long and monotonous."

"Thanks," he mumbled.

"Squall… promise me something."

He looked at her questionably, "What?"

"Promise me… you'll let go of this guilt you've been harboring for so long. Promise me you will go and live your life now without looking back on the past. Don't let my decision stop you from being who you are… who you're meant to be. Go home, be with that woman who cares for you and loves you. Do what you do to make a difference in this world, make a difference for all of those young lives at Garden. And don't look back."

Her eyes were watering, but she refused to let the tears fall. Though it pained her to tell him to go… she meant what she said.

"Live your life now knowing that I never blamed you, you only blamed yourself… now its time to let it go. Let me go… like you were meant to eight years ago."

Squall sucked in his breath and closed his eyes tightly at the pain of her words. "God Rinoa… I don't know… I don't know if I can."

"You can… you will. You're strong Squall… stronger than I could ever hope to be. You will go on and continue to do wonderful things in this world."

"What will you do now?" He questioned softly.

She chuckled lightly before shrugging her shoulders. "I honestly don't know… maybe it's time I let go of Rinoa Heartilly as well."

He shook his head. "Rinoa…"

"Do you promise?"

A deep sigh escaped his lips as he gave in. "I promise… to try."

"That's all I can ask for."

"_All aboard!"_

"I hope everything goes well at the trial… I'm sure they will be understanding to whatever circumstances brought this all about." The sorceress slapped his arm playfully. "Hell that's Squall Leonhart they're dealing with! The whole world owes you their ass!"

The joke lapsed into silence as neither of them found the ability to laugh. After a few moments he reluctantly looked towards the train. He couldn't register the amount of pain he was feeling right now. Comparing it to the first time he left her, he wasn't sure which instance was more painful. At least now however, she was alive, she was able to live her life to the fullest. That would have to be enough for him now.

"Well I guess…." he started.

She lowered her head. "Yeah…"

Squall shuffled his feet for a moment as she remained motionless, unable to look at him.

"_Last call! All aboard!"_

He tried to form the words… he couldn't say them… he wasn't strong enough. Slowly he reached for her with a trembling hand wanting to hold her, to touch her, memorize everything about her… like he would… like he _could_ forget.

"Sir… you need to board the train now if you're leaving with us." The conductor said as he passed them.

"Okay," he said softly, mostly to himself. The young man closed his hand and brought it back to his side. He picked up his bag, looked at her one last time, and made his way up the steps and into the passenger car.

Rinoa felt as if she couldn't move. She wanted to reach out to him. The least she could have done was to tell him goodbye. Why were those words so hard? This wasn't the way she wanted to remember the last time she would see him. The tears began to fall freely now. She walked up to the car he entered trying to find his silhouette moving through the aisle. The young woman stood on her tip toes to try and see into the high windows. At first she was afraid he had a seat on the other side of the train. Relief flooded her however as she saw him take a seat near the back of the train car. She smiled thankfully as she saw the ladder.

He made his way down the aisle to his seat and threw his bag in the stowaway above his head. He felt like some force was moving him now against his will. He couldn't be doing this… he couldn't be willingly letting her go like this. He was willing to damn the whole world for her eight years ago… and he knew that had not changed. Though his friends… Elise… they were not so easily cast aside. Selfish as he felt, he could not let them suffer more than they already had. Squall sat heavily in the seat almost as if it were a finality to the whole situation. He dared a glance out of the window half way hoping that he could see her… half way hoping that he wouldn't. The headmaster wasn't sure if he could control the desire to get off of this train and run back to her, never looking back.

He sighed regrettably as the latter hope won out. She was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps it was best for her. She was free of his burden now. The hurt he caused her would now be no more than a memory of a short farewell at a train station. Squall knew that outside of his selfish desires he wanted nothing more than for her to be happy and to live life as she was always meant to, the one _she_ deserved without him.

A rap on the window interrupted his thoughts. He turned suddenly and was shocked to see her there on the other side of the glass, smiling at him as the tears fell from her eyes in small rivulets. He blinked a couple of times thinking maybe his mind had reverted back to its illusions. Looking over he saw that she had climbed up the ladder attached to train to reach the window. Squall felt around the glass, trying to find anything that would allow him to slide the glass between them away. He pounded against the window with his fists, earning the uneasy looks of the passengers around him.

Rinoa shook her head slowly. "Squall…"

He watched as she placed her hand against the glass and found it difficult to choke back the sob threatening to escape his throat. Shakily he brought his hand up and pressed it against hers. Once again they found themselves separated forever by a pane of glass. He wanted desperately to feel her touch but the cool smooth exterior of the glass denied him yet again.

Rinoa looked at his hand running her fingers across his as if she were trying to memorize them, memorize the feel of his skin, even the feel of the bandage wrapped around his hand. "I just wanted you to know that… I… want you to be happy. Please… be happy." Sobbing heavily she fought to continue. "I wish you all the happiness in the world."

"_Miss! Step down from the ladder!"_

Squall tried to say something… anything… but he could not find the words... he always had trouble with them when he was around her. Nothing could begin to describe what he was feeling. He leaned into the glass, pressing his forehead against the smooth surface. The sorceress cried harder as she moved her hand upward to his face. "I won't forget you."

"_Step down from the ladder NOW miss!"_

He watched as she turned and gave the conductor a sour look. Rinoa gave him her best smile when she turned back to him. "Goodbye Squall."

It was over all too fast as she disappeared from his view. He couldn't see her at all. The brakes were released on the train jarring the passengers slightly before advancing forward leaving the traces of Winhill behind for the open countryside. Squall never saw any of it however, he was too busy staring at her handprint, tracing the outline and wondering desperately how he was supposed to fulfill the promise he just made.


	33. The Rhythm of Darkness

_**Chapter Thirty-Three:** **The Rhythm of Darkness** _

In the predawn hours, Esthar held an otherworldly glow. Its crystalline skyscrapers possessed an aura seen visible far beyond the city's walls. Daylight, however, was an entirely different story. The President gazed out through the office window, nervously scratching the back of his neck.

He often found himself turning to the horizon for answers. Sure, he knew they were never there, nor the true comfort he sought, but somehow there was a world of possibilities in its boundless reach. After the Lunar Cry, Esthar had been restored to near its original splendor, but never did the city shine as bright. Somehow the ghosts of the past would haunt the streets even through its restoration. Its bronzed monuments and marbled memorials would never let the city's catastrophe be forgotten.

Laguna Loire found himself squinting as he looked at the place he called home over the last few decades. The glass and mirrors could almost be blinding by the sun's translucent rays. He had often believed that the wealthiest Estharians would be those whose stores sold sunglasses; they were almost just as much a staple of the country as the traditional white robes its citizens adorned.

But unlike the other times, there would be no solace today, not even from the stability forged from his transplanted home. He nervously placed both hands inside his pant's pockets, an old habit he had acquired from his days in the Galbadian military. Turning away from the window, the President glanced at the daunting pile of work strewed over the desk. There were a million things he _could_ be doing, a million things he _should_ be doing, but he lacked the determination and will to do just one. Instead, all he could think about was the confrontation that would inevitably come.

Sighing openly he sat down at his desk, deciding to forgo the much needed work; instead he pulled open the top left drawer. There hidden securely behind countless folders, which contained more work that he _should_ be doing, was a small box. It was the one piece of metal that caused him indefinable pain, sometimes he believed a bullet through his chest would be less heart wrenching.

Laguna carefully removed the ring from its velvet sanctum. Calloused fingertips mindfully eased over platinum as he tried to remain the part of leader and not the emotional wreck he felt fighting to emerge within himself. He couldn't let his emotions surface today; he would be no good to his son's defense in that condition – not that his son would believe him useful in any condition.

Still he remembered a very vivid portrait of Rinoa, the memory of her shaking hands as she returned Griever, an image that had been chiseled in beyond reason. The young sorceress had forcefully stated she had no right – but he could tell in her eyes she never meant those words, or at least didn't believe in them. Maybe he could see a similarity between Squall and Rinoa, one he hadn't come to realize until now, but the parallel in their down right stubbornness couldn't be denied.

The problem now still lingered, Laguna felt as if he had even less of a right to possess such an heirloom. The President's trembling fingers outlined the sweeping feathers carved into the design. It gave the lion depth and the ring a truly nonsymmetrical beauty. He would be seeing Squall soon, _too soon_, and somehow had to find the courage to return Griever to its rightful owner. The problem was he wasn't honestly sure who that was - Squall or Rinoa. Even in his weakened emotional state he could easily decide the obvious choice, but did he know the emotional one?

Clutching the ring tightly in his palm, he turned his chair back toward the cityscape and turned his gaze in an upward direction. "Raine, what am I going to do? He's never going to speak to me again."

Laguna involuntarily chuckled to himself, "I guess that some things never change, huh? It's not like he talked to me too much to begin with." He felt his stomach lurch at the thought of the near future, in what would inevitably be the final downfall with his son. "I wish you were here, you would know what to do. You always did." He finished saying to himself in a near whisper, _"I miss you, Raine."_

"Talking to yourself again?" A voice shot from the doorway.

Laguna was startled for a moment not expecting anybody else to be in the office this early. Then again this was no ordinary day, as he knew all too well. The President cleared his throat and tried to hide the wetness that had formed in the corners of his eyes. Now was not the time for emotion. He had to be strong for the future and not be lost in the past; he had already lost too much to his past.

"Well Kiros, you know what a conversationalist I can be," the President jovially tried to respond. "But don't worry, I haven't started answering myself yet... well at least all of the time."

"Think of it this way, you'll always have great company and a fair argument," his aide added. There was something about his trusted friend that made him unique in every sense of the word. After awkward moments of silence passed between them Kiros continued, "Actually I did come in here for a reason. Quistis is here if you feel like seeing a visitor. If you don't, I can tell-"

"No, No!" The President chimed in a little too fervently for his previous mood. "I'd be glad to see her, send her right in!"

Kiros studied his friend knowing that his eagerness was only surpassed by his nervousness. The closer the trial grew near, the more 'Laguna' seemed to revert into his younger, more unsure self. In all his life, he couldn't think of a greater challenge than the one facing his friend now, and how he would deal with the questions and accusations that his son would eventually confront him with.

"I'll send her right in," the advisor smiled, bowing respectfully as he exited the room.

Laguna took that moment to place the ring back into its home over the last several weeks. He felt a slight pain as he closed the drawer, and looked down to his palm which vaguely showed the outline of Griever; he had clutched the ring with more force than he realized and the pain was absent until he let go. He shook his hand, as if the motion would remove all traces of the platinum band, before reaching for a glass of water. He took a giant swig, trying to stop himself from overanalyzing anything else at the moment. He was honestly glad for the distraction that Quistis brought; she had been someone he had placed great conviction in over the last months.

A few minutes later there was a soft rapping at the office door. Laguna stood from his desk and gave a genuine smile at the woman standing before him.

"It's been too long," Quistis beamed as she embraced the President in a friendly hug.

"Tell me about it," the man replied giving her an extra tight squeeze. "He's going to hate me." His words almost sounded like a desperate plea to her.

She broke away looking him directly in the eyes, "Laguna, Squall could never _hate_ anybody. He might not understand our decision, but that will be his own problem to overcome. We both know we did what Rinoa wanted. Neither of us ever thought it would come down to this."

"Didn't we?" he asked very seriously. "I mean, I think at one point we knew this moment would come. I don't think either of us could deny that we hadn't thought about this."

Quistis sighed, "Maybe you're right. I think both of us just thought it would happen 'later' rather than 'sooner.' I just think this couldn't have been more ill-timed."

"Welcome to my life," Laguna mused.

* * *

Maude McKay sighed at the costly devastation in front of her. The new crop of flowers she had planted a few weeks ago had been beaten and ravaged by the storm. If she were in a philosophical mood she might have dwelled on the thought that beauty was a fragile thing. Though frankly, she was too pissed off to be thoughtful at the moment.

"This is going to set us back a hefty sum of Gil old boy." She grabbed one of the uprooted plants and tossed it over her shoulder. Lucky trilled gleefully and continued to preen his feathers in the warm sun.

"That's not a good thing damn it! You could act a little more concerned! You know you're going to have to eat some those generic Chocobo greens until we can afford to repair all of this damage Lucky."

The Chocobo stopped snapping at the irritating bluebottle fly buzzing around his head to chirp intriguingly at the mention of his beloved greens. He trotted over to her and looked around her hands expectantly.

The old woman put her hands on her hips. "Not now you big lug! I do seem to recall you just finishing your lunch five minutes ago!"

Lucky muttered a 'kweh' in his most pitiful voice and lowered the comb of feathers on his head to emphasize his agony.

"You cannot be hungry."

He stared unblinking at her, his deep blue eyes shimmering like tepid pools of water in the afternoon sun.

"Oh damn it, not the eyes." She rolled her own in defeat and reached into her pocket. The bird whistled gleefully as Maude gave him a handful of greens. "You really know how to pull an old woman's strings, don't you?" She sighed and patted him on the beak. "I suppose you're worth all of the spoiling though. Never know when we're going to bottom out here and I'm going to need something to eat."

Lucky stopped and looked at her incredulously, a green still dangling from his beak. She cackled at his expression and ruffled the feathers on his neck. "Aw, you know I'm just pulling one of your long legs. I don't eat friends."

He downed the last bit of greens in a final gulp before he warbled playfully and snatched the sunhat off the old woman's head, sending it soaring on the breeze with a toss of his large head.

"And you really enjoy pushing those borders of our friendship don't you?" Maude grumbled as she watched her hat sail to a stop amid her flower beds. Probably in some spot where she had just spread the fresh manure she deduced. Lucky gave her a Chocobo equivalent of a smirk before trotting off with his head held high.

"Damn intelligent birds," the old woman sighed.

She pushed up her paisley print shirt sleeves to begin removing the damaged plants when a familiar figure walked passed the corner of her eye. The old woman smiled and turned towards the street. She started to bellow out a hearty hello but stopped herself just short. The smile left as quickly as it came. In front of her, trudging up the road, was the saddest sight she had ever seen.

Her dear friend, with arms wrapped around herself, was walking as if she were in a death march. Her eyes were downcast, and every movement seemed like it was agonizing. Maude looked down the road and then back to the girl. She deduced what happened and her heart broke for the young woman. This wasn't the outcome she had hoped for, and this was the scenario she had feared most for Renee.

Maybe this was destined… she didn't know. All she knew was that destiny could take a flying leap if this was the way it left things resolved.

"Squall…" she muttered quietly to herself. "What have you done?"

* * *

Winhill never seemed so big.

Empty. Alone. Numb. Confused beyond all reason. She never felt her feet hit the ground, she never saw the sun shine around her, she even missed the children playing after the spring storm. At that moment, Rinoa saw nothing. It felt as if she had been walking for hours, but in actuality, it had only been a few short minutes.

She had watched the train. She had watched as the last car disappeared over the horizon. She had watched all the hopes and dreams she had experienced in the last two days vanish in a single heartbeat. She should have chided herself for being so foolish. She knew this moment would come. She should have been grateful for the closure it was supposed to bring, he was supposed to bring. But there was nothing. No emotion, no closure, but most of all, nothing to believe in...

Even if this was for the best, it surely didn't feel that way. She wanted to scream to the world, she wanted to yell from the hilltops, she wanted all those who persecuted her existence to feel what she felt... nothing. But right now screaming would take too much, and she honestly felt she had nothing left to give. It took all her remaining strength just to make the short trek back to the bar – her 'home' though she knew it wasn't, nor could it ever be. But right now, it was the only thing she had left.

She found the key, though her trembling hands could barely place it in the lock. She wasn't sure why she even bothered to lock the door in the first place; it would make no difference in the long run. Maybe it was just habit from her years in Deling City and the Forest Owls, or maybe it was for a false sense of security she knew was forged from a small piece of metal and a wooden door. If those who wanted her found her, there would be no battle; she would again willingly surrender her physical body to free herself from the torment of her mind and spirit. If truth be told, she would actually welcome the cold surrender that sealing offered, at least for a few moments she would actually feel.

The remodeled bar looked as it had for the last several months, nothing different, nothing new, albeit maybe a little cleaner. As she had noted when she first woke up that morning there were no traces that Squall Leonhart had ever been there, except again maybe for the condition of the dishes and main living area. Maybe it was easier to convince herself his appearance was all in her mind, that he had been a figment brought on by an active, desperate imagination.

Esperanza jogged down the stairs, unaware of her master's volatile state. The dog excitedly wagged her stub of a tail back and forth, urgently seeking the attention she felt had been neglected over the last several hours. Rinoa never could muster a smile, but managed to give her the much craved attention, scratching behind the dog's ears. Esperanza extended her nose outward as her master took the cue and began scratching underneath her chin. It was then the dog looked expectantly at the door, presuming that the second human was going to walk in, hopefully with a steak dinner in hand.

Rinoa's eyes fell, as even the dog was looking forward to Squall's arrival. Then again, she was probably reading too much into the canine, she was probably just looking for scraps.

"He went home," the sorceress' voice carried just above a soft murmur. "Home," she stated again, as if the realization was actually starting to sink in.

* * *

The constant thrum of the wheels against the tracks was a dull sound in his ears and a slow limping jolt through his body. It felt a lot like his heart in that moment, falling into emptiness with each beat that took him farther away from her. Squall sighed wearily as he gazed listlessly at the passing landscape. He could feel the life that had sparked within him during the last couple of days ebbing out of him like blood from an open wound. It was being replaced by a cold numbness he could not define. A numbness he did not want to return to.

He looked down at the bandage on his hand. It was frayed and had begun to unravel. Slowly he pulled back the loose end and peeled back the layers watching the red stain from the top cloth deepen with each pass his other hand made. Squall grimaced slightly as he revealed the deep wound in his palm. It wasn't this deep in the beginning, only after he had slammed it against the bridge had he been able to do any significant damage. He still didn't feel anything, he supposed it should have hurt, that at least there would be a dull ache as he stretched and closed his fingers. But there was nothing, there never was.

All he could feel was her. That simple touch as she grabbed his hand, trying to protect him from his own delusional stupidity. He needed that. He needed that hand right now. That firm yet gentle hand that had the ability to pull him back in the right direction, at least, what he thought was the right direction. Squall didn't know which way he was going anymore.

The headmaster looked back to his hands and found them shaking uncontrollably. There was suddenly a familiar buzz in his ears and his mouth became insatiably dry. It had been two days since he last had a drink and in his moment of weakness his body felt the need to remind him. He gripped his head as a sharp pain jolted through his skull before settling into a dull thrum that kept cadence with his pulse. Wearily he looked around for a steward, stewardess, anyone handing out the damn drinks.

Of course they were no where to be found. Usually they would be trotting up and down the aisles with their plastic smiles trying to infect the passengers with their phony optimism. They were like drone insects trying to get everyone within their reach to conform to the will of the hive. He shook his head as the buzzing grew louder. Finding his footing on the moving train he stood and made his way down the aisle, they were probably all swarming in the adjoining car ahead. As he reached for the sliding door to enter the next compartment a stewardess came barreling through the other side smacking into him and jostling back like she had just hit a brick wall.

"Oh sir! I am so, so very sorry," she apologized while regaining her composure.

He shrugged. She was the only one fazed by the collision. "Do you serve drinks on this train?"

She immediately went into robotic reply mode. "I apologize sir, due to the duration of this trip we do not carry a wide selection of beverages. Though we do have bottled water if you would like me to get you one?"

"Alcohol… do you have any alcohol?" His tone became more impatient.

"No… sir… we do not have any alcohol on board. Though if the ride is making you tense sir, we do offer some headphones that play some very calm and relaxing music if you're interested, I find they help me on the longer routes when I need to unwind a little….."

Squall shook his head fiercely, irritated by the very sound of her voice above the persistent buzzing. "I don't need anymore noise," he growled. "I just need a goddamn drink!"

He didn't wait for a reply; he just turned around and made his way back to his seat. What kind of train didn't have at least a few of those little bottles of liquor stashed away for emergencies such as this? It was ridiculous. The young man suddenly turned back to the direction of the stewardess to express this thought only to find she was already long gone. Most likely off to the nearest restroom where she could remove her plastic smile and complain to herself about the asshole in car B.

Letting out a shaky sigh, he fell back into his seat. He nearly jumped out of his skin as he felt a hand grasp his shoulder. Squall turned ready to break off the arm of whoever was daring fate at this point. His eyes were met with those of an old man who had leaned over from the seat behind him. The old man smiled sadly with a look that Squall could identify in his tired eyes.

"You look like you're a long way from home son."

The words hit him like ice water and he found himself motionless, unable to respond. He wanted to rip the man's hand from his shoulder and tell him to mind his own fucking business, but he could not find the strength. Instead he gave the old man a slight nod before returning his gaze out the window beside him. Home, that's where he was supposed to be heading right? That's what drew closer with every clack of the wheels against the tracks. He folded his arms around himself to try to quell his shaking hands. The buzzing continued. And he had never felt further away from home in his life.

* * *

There was nothing left for her down here, not that there was anything left upstairs either; but maybe in sleep she could escape the memories of his body close to hers, at least she prayed. The young woman walked up the stairs slowly, willing her body just to make it to the bed before she collapsed under the weight of her own self-hatred. Esperanza now aware of her master's changed disposition, followed protectively instead of taking her normal vigorous lead.

Rinoa entered her room with her last iota of will. She wanted to collapse onto the bed and sleep for an eternity, to find a place where the pain couldn't find the darkest recesses of her mind. A thought passed through her - why did she have such strong feelings for Squall in the first place? It wasn't as if she hadn't dated and broken up with boyfriends in the past. Hell, Squall wasn't even a boyfriend, rather someone she had grown close to over circumstance rather than choice.

It was evident even eight years ago that he had never shared the same feelings she harbored – he may have felt protective and guilt before her sealing, but never anything deeper, at least she believed. But to her the emotion just felt so much deeper, so much more primal than any 'breakup' she had ever known - a basic need such as the air she breathed.

No, she knew this feeling couldn't be right.

It shouldn't feel as if she lost a large part of herself today. She had lost her mother years before, her father and basically everybody in her life she had ever known several years later. Still the loss of his presence bore deeper than any physical wound. She could tell herself a million times she had done the right thing, she let him get back to the life he deserved, to the woman that was waiting for him... but no reasoning gave her the smallest amount of solace.

She still didn't cry; that again would take energy she just didn't have. He wouldn't want her to either. The young woman tried to convince herself – do not cry over the guilt of what could have been. Guilt was a terrible cancer, slowly growing beneath the skin until she didn't know what was true or what was just forged from mistaken blame.

There was a somberness instilled in the air, one that was easy to decipher through numerous clues. She looked around the room, scanning for something that would validate her sanity... he wasn't just a dream, right? And there it was - a black button-up shirt. She remembered it all too well; he had worn it last night, a shirt that was inadvertently soaked by a vindictive Chocobo.

Weary hands reached for it. In all the confusion of his packing, did he forget it in the hurried rush? He always had been meticulous when it came to such things, but given the state of his departure, maybe it was a small blessing in her eyes. It was her validation - he had been there.

Her hand slowly traced the shirt, imprinting each button in to her memory. The emptiness inside was growing, but this was for the best - right? It had to be. There were no more emotions; this shell of a being was all she had left to offer.

To her, to him, to the world.

Carefully, she removed her sweater and tossed it into a nearby laundry basket. She ignored the chill radiating from her own body; again she was too numb to feel any physical pain. The sorceress took his shirt in her hands feeling, remembering the abrasive texture against her face. The feel of his heartbeat surging through his body like a sanctified rhythm. Rinoa never wore just black - _he did_. She always radiated splashes of color, but maybe this was _what_ she had become. Suddenly all the hues of the spectrum had drained from her life and had been replaced by a dark void.

As the fabric once again made contact with her skin, it didn't offer the comfort she had hoped. The memories were dulling, burrowing a hole deep within. She placed her arms in the sleeves in feeling as if the cloth was both salvation and damnation in one - a straightjacket and a robe of heavenly light.

She took care in fastening each button, inept fingers fumbling in the foreignness. The shirt hung past her hips and her arms were lost in an ocean of black material. The young woman rolled the sleeves before wrapping her arms around her waist. She could feel his presence. His cologne still fresh within her senses, even the rainwater had not dulled the enticing musk.

But this was as close to him as she could remain... as she could ever remain. He deserved so much more. She was a monster in the face of humanity. She could never be more, she could never be less. What did she have to offer but some charlatan life, in a place he could never fit in? They were too different eight years ago, she wished to the Gods that the brutal reality would have set in back then... maybe it wouldn't have hurt this much now. Maybe had she realized those first days in Timber, he would have never suffered by her hand, by the acts of her own selfishness.

Even today she was still nothing more than the seventeen-year-old who walked out in a short skirt in front of Garden full of cadets secretly needing attention. Now she was a pathetic twenty-five year-old whose name was forever linked with disgrace. She _had_received her attention, her notoriety, her moment of fame... and because of adolescent desires was damned to live in the isolation she once feared. Maybe the greatest sentence given to her by a jury of her peers could have been her freedom. To be released from the frozen chamber and to hear people's reaction firsthand, to see their faces at the mere thought of a sorceress walking free. To know love beyond all words, beyond all explanation... to see him again with her own eyes... to touch him... to taste his lips...

To see Squall Leonhart... marry someone else.


	34. Something to Believe

_**Chapter Thirty-Four: Something to Believe **_

Quistis and Laguna sat in the Estharian Presidential Palace, friends thrown together by mere circumstance. The two unlikely acquaintances had formed a special bond, one akin to a mentor and apprentice. The young headmistress understood easily why Rinoa viewed him as a fatherly figure, and in some respects, she equaled that opinion. Cid and Laguna were two very different personalities, but Quistis Trepe viewed each not only as skilled leader but also a concerned parent.

She found she admired Laguna deeply as a person, for all the trials he endured throughout his life. Through every hardship and setback, his head remained high. Even now the man sensed that he was on the edge of an approaching storm, but never backed down or sought shelter. He accepted his fate without question, while truly believing in the good of all people.

"You didn't seriously say **that** to the Shumi Elder?" the young woman chided in laughter.

"I most certainly did. Of course, I'm pretty sure that statue of me ended up with Grat guts covering it."

The President leaned back on the couch, getting caught up in the wave of memories. It was great to feel free enough to open up to someone new again. Kiros, Ward, and Ellone were always by his side, yet for some reason, talking with Quistis felt as if it were a lost connection to his son.

"Well, I guess you should be glad that Sculptor didn't melt it down."

The woman smiled as she poured a glass of ice water from the pitcher sitting nearby. Without much thought, she also filled up the President's glass and then carefully handed it to him. He gladly accepted with a courteous nod.

He found himself laughing as he pictured his memorial covered in monster entrails. "You know, I'm not entirely sure that the Shumis didn't destroy the statue. But I don't think they would have melted it, as I believe it was made from stone. So more than likely they would have used a sledge hammer on it and turned into small pieces of gravel. On the upside, my remaining pieces may be in the bottom of one of those fancy fish aquariums Elder loves," he brightly smiled.

"So, on that note I offer this toast…"

The Estharian President held his water aloft offering a congratulatory salute. Quistis mirrored the action also holding her glass upwards. She had to let out a small laugh at his lighthearted behavior.

"Here is to seeing the world no matter what view you may have – even if it is from the bottom of a fish tank."

In unison they both took sips of their water. After he had finished with his drink, Laguna set his glass down on the table. "And don't worry Quistis, I'm just teasing you. I mean… not about what I said to Elder, because I did say **that**… I mean about them destroying the statue. The Shumis know that I tend to speak my mind and Elder and I have talked many times since then. He even offered to come tomorrow and vouch in Squall's behalf, if I thought it would help."

After that the President's tone grew softer. "That is one great thing about the Shumi Tribe, unlike a lot of people they accept you for who you are – with all your good qualities and with all your faults."

"Is this a private party or is anybody invited?"

The room's two occupants nearly jumped at the unexpected voice. They turned in unison towards the hallway entrance. Balamb's former Headmaster stood blocking the doorway. The middle-aged man laughed at their initial reactions, it was very rare to see Quistis somewhat unnerved by anything.

"Dear, are you going to walk into the room or just continue your impression of a door?" Edea chuckled outwardly shooing her husband into the sitting area. Quistis and Laguna both stood out of respect and the group exchanged traditional formalities. The men shook one another's hands as the women lightly bowed in honor.

After several minutes of pleasantries, Quistis and the President returned to their previous positions, while Cid made himself comfortable on a nearby settee. Edea continued to walk by the trio, deciding instead to partake in the wondrous view of the city. She had first fallen in love with Esthar many years prior, and found the high-tech city held a certain beauty. Her ears were still attentive toward the conversation, but her eyes and mind were focused elsewhere.

"So," the former headmaster began rubbing his hands together. He didn't want to ask the question, but knew there was no real choice. The answer he already knew wouldn't be liked and that made the task even greater. "Has anybody heard from Squall yet?"

Quistis and Laguna exchanged quick, nervous glances before the headmistress decided to field the question. "We haven't had any direct contact with him. Elise has been wonderful about keeping the two of us informed. Just sadly, there hasn't been much to be informed about. We do believe she managed to send him a message to where we believe he may be located. Though it's all rather circumstantial at this point."

"What is that boy thinking?"

Cid placed his hands on his head and cast his eyes downward. Honestly, there were just too many inconsistencies and motives to understand. He had put so much faith in Squall's hands over the past. Often Cid blamed himself for his former student's failures of the present. He desperately wanted Squall to demonstrate the leadership skills he was so capable of achieving. It just seemed that Squall always seemed to hold his own agenda. The man spent years passing all his knowledge to the young boy, but that never meant the student would listen. Life itself could not be taught, only prepared for. It was obvious to Cid Kramer that he had failed on so many aspects.

"I don't know what he thinks anymore," Laguna answered honestly. "Then again, I never knew."

"You can't place blame on yourself now. Destiny has a way of reveling itself only through time," reassured Edea.

Resting her hand on Laguna's shoulder the former sorceress offered support. She had rejoined the group when she found her mind was drifting too far - to another place and time. The President returned the gesture, offering a silent nod in gratitude.

"Edea is right," Quistis offered with a sympathetic edge. "Your past relationship with him is regrettable, but your future isn't impossible."

Cid had remained silent during the exchange. He looked up and elaborated on his earlier concerns. "There is only so much that any one child can be taught. Only so much knowledge you can instill. The decision to make use of the knowledge lies solely on them. Still honestly, I can't see what could be more important to him than his career and the future he has planned with Elise.

Laguna began shaking his leg, another habit he had acquired during his stint with the Galbadian military. One that tended to increase dramatically when he was nervous or anxious. Now the President found his mouth immediately had become as parched as the Kashkabald Desert. Trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, he hastily reached for his glass of water. Quistis, on the other hand, was attempting the same in a somewhat less evident manner. She took this time to readjust her posture and smooth the wrinkles from her skirt.

Neither action had not gone unnoticed by the former sorceress; it all but confirmed what she had suspected months ago.

"Something is more important," Edea tenderly began, but unlike the other two she was making firm eye contact with her husband. "Actually, I should say that _someone_ is more important right now – Rinoa."

At the sound of the young woman's name, Laguna started gagging on an ice cube. Quistis quickly sprang to her feet and was ready to administer aid if it was needed. The President attempted to regain his breath along with his dignity. After all his battles choking on an errant piece of ice may not be the legacy he wanted. Of course, helping Laguna also gave Quistis a viable excuse not to turn her focus toward Matron. Her expression would have certainly given their secret away. Although right now, both feared it may be too late.

The meaning of his wife's words were misinterpreted, as Cid believed them to mean Squall was only visiting nearby.

"Well, if Headmaster Leonhart is staying at the Sorceress Memorial, I can understand his reasoning. Though he should know when enough is enough and face the responsibilities given to him. There is no reason to be out of contact this long and especially under these circumstances. His future is depending on this trial."

Taking a seat next to Cid, Edea solemnly placed both hands on her lap. She closed her eyes trying to portray a sense of calmness to her husband. "Cid, you need to understand he is not at the Memorial, because neither is she…"

* * *

Finding her way to the bed, Rinoa collapsed beneath her own frailty. Reaching for a quilt, she felt a slight reprieve from her body's encompassing chill. Her hands wrapped tightly around the cloth mimicking the actions of talons around prey. Part of her would have given anything to have given into her animalistic desires - piercing the quilt, ripping the material back into nothing more than a pile of useless fabric.

The anger ebbed as it had always done over the past years. The ire wasn't from the sorceress powers coursing throughout her body. It wasn't from the years entombed as a living corpse. It was from a dynamic manipulated by the most basic of compounds: humanity, survival, love, loss, but above all else, it was the pain of just living.

It is the same one that every human faces along life's journey.

She fought back the resentment, letting her surroundings once again fall into place. Rinoa knew she had to remain in control, if not for her, but for Squall and his accomplishments. It was the least the man deserved. The young woman now understood the scope of pain for which she was responsible. She knew of how many lives had been ruined just by taking a single breath - just by the act of laying here in bed. Now she couldn't even lay here without her mind reprimanding her. She found a way to perceive guilt in everything, even a bed. A bed that she would never look upon the same, one he had held her in. Now being in this place, a place owned by his family, truly felt like she was overstepping the bounds in another's home.

Rolling over she tried to bury the feelings deeper - where nobody, including herself, could ever expose their weakness. But even the bed pillow carried the musky scent of the headmaster's cologne. She shut her eyes and fell into the blackness, tumbling into the endless abyss headfirst. The void engulfed her as if a flame stoking off her failures. It was better in the darkness... it was better than the reality.

She tried desperately to fight the lingering sound of his voice; it was the soft resonance that would haunt even her waking dreams. It had been a forlorn and pleading tone, one that she hadn't believed possible from the headstrong teenager she remembered.

"_Please… don't ever leave me again." _

By fate's hand, she was the one who was still there... never breaking her promise. He was the one who was gone. This time he was the one who had left her cold, alone, and confused beyond all reason. Rinoa knew turning the blame was just unwarranted anger toward him. She knew his sudden departure wasn't by his doing. Still the selfish teenager still residing in her wanted so badly to force the blame on him.

"_I'm so… so sorry Rinoa. I never meant to hurt you_."

But the greatest twist of irony, however, was that she had never blamed him for the past. Not once had she ever believed, in the least, that he had been responsible – not for being sealed or any minute leading up to this encounter. Her fate was only her decision. It was her childlike shortcomings that had led her blindly to the Sorceress Memorial. But that was before she had truly experienced what it had felt like to hold him in her arms, to lie next to him, to feel his heart beating in unison with her own. She couldn't blame him for anything he _had _or _had not_ done in the past. But she could blame Squall Leonhart for making her fall in love with him. It was so much deeper and so much more intense than she could have ever known possible.

The young sorceress believed the sensations she was experiencing was not the norm. The physical and mental connection she felt with Squall Leonhart went far beyond that which could be considered normal. Maybe it was due to the isolation, the vast loneliness surrounding her in Winhill. Maybe it was just the past colliding in a kaleidoscope of memories with the present. It could have been a hundred-thousand different things, but nothing had ever felt more honest and real than being next to him.

"_What… are you doing?"_

"_We are dancing."_

She wanted it to stop, the carousal of torment spinning in her mind. Her eyes tightened as she gasped out loud. Still no tears fell from her eyes – maybe because here in her memories of him she could be happy... There she could still feel her feet still touching the floor, dancing in time with his.

It was to be shown a glimpse of heaven, only to have it handed to someone else. Someone who, she admitted, had deserved it so much more than she ever could.

It was here that she could return into the chasm, into that frozen realm of death. For a brief instant she thought how much simpler it all would have been had she never seen another sunrise. If she surrendered herself to Esthar again, and he found out, would he take the blame for that too? She would have shaken the thought from her head, had the intense pounding not hurt so gravely. She had to live, if not for her, but for all those that sacrificed for her freedom.

It occurred to Rinoa that the shirt she wore was all she had left of him - a forgotten memento from a man who changed her life more than he could ever comprehend. She realized that she had taken his ring all those years ago without his knowledge. Now she wore his shirt, which he again hadn't given to her. That is all she ever seemed to do… take. From him, from Laguna, and from Quistis... what did she have left to give?

That was it. She knew what she had to do. Maybe it was just the momentary insanity, but right now it seemed like the only plausible move. Up until this day, up until this moment, she had been living for the past. She had been living for the life and memories of Rinoa Heartilly. Maybe that closure she desperately sought wouldn't come at all as long as she held ties to her previous self.

Quistis, Laguna, and most of all Squall... they had to remain part of her past. She would have to completely sever ties with them to move forward.

Rinoa Heartilly had to close the door to her old life. She had to say goodbye to everyone and try never to look back on what could have been. Still, there was unfinished business in that life – the life of a seventeen-year-old girl. If she could learn to relinquish her old identity, it may bring her that ever elusive closure.

She knew it would be risky, but right now, the risk was worth the gain. Nobody of her old life could know what she was about to do. They would surely try to talk some sense into her. But for once, this didn't concern them. This was about her childhood and about promises broken way before she hired a young mercenary from Balamb. This was something that nobody could ever understand, besides herself. This was about saying goodbye to both the living and dead. This was saying goodbye and finishing those things that would haunt her if they were left forsaken.

This was about going home – to Deling.

It brought a certain sense of satisfaction to her. If nothing more, it had given her another goal to accomplish. It wouldn't be easy. Then again, nothing ever was for her. She would work out the details later, as right now she just needed to rest. Maybe with this newfound sense of worth she could sleep, as her body cried for it. To live again she would have to write her own future, but she had to close the chapters to her past. This wasn't about Squall. This wasn't about her fear forged by the masses.

This was just about her finding something to believe in...

* * *

He bent over to pick up his key cards for the third time, fumbling through them incessantly trying to find the right one to the door in front of him. Squall squinted at the lock and mentally cursed the security access laws for not making one card that would open every door. He was the goddamned headmaster; he was required to have access to all the areas of garden. Instead he was stuck with a card for each level of clearance, plus one for his personal quarters. That resulted in four keycards which unfortunately looked like eight in his blurred vision. He sighed with relief when the next card he swiped gave him a green light on the panel.

Squall leaned heavily on the door frame as the panel slid open. Lucky for him it was well past curfew. It was a miracle he'd even made it this far. He couldn't remember the long walk to the penthouse. Hell, he couldn't remember anything after he stepped off of the train in Timber and headed immediately for the pub in the station.

He hadn't wanted to give in, but what he wanted really didn't seem to matter anymore. The headmaster was hoping for something just to take the edge off, to stop the shaking in his hands and pain in his head. Instead he drank until everything was numb, though the agony in his heart remained. And with each drink he felt maybe he was one step closer to numbing it too. One drink turned into two, turned into five, and he'd lost count after that. The real miracle was that he even made it to the plane in Deling, and that he was even on the right continent.

He dropped his duffel bag by the door as he staggered in and the door slid shut behind him. The room was completely dark. She used to leave the light on for him if he was going to be late or on assignment somewhere. The young man guessed she had given up on his return. He couldn't blame her. Though in the state he was currently in right now he wished she could have spared him a damn nightlight, some small pin light of illumination. He began slapping the walls near the door hoping to run across a switch.

Finally his fingers found the switch that illuminated the living area. Groaning as the world began spinning with luminance in his vision he stumbled to the couch, tripping over an unknown assailant lying on the floor and nearly falling flat on his face. Squall flopped unceremoniously on the cushions and allowed his head to lean over the back of the sofa so that his eyes were looking at the ceiling. He closed his eyes against the vertigo and took a deep breath to focus. When he opened his eyes the spiral had slowed and he took a moment to take in his surroundings.

There were manuals, files, and books spread across every tabletop in the living room. Apparently Elise had been bringing her work home with her the past two days. Hell from the look of the mess on the kitchen table she'd even been eating with it. What had been going on in his absence, some kind of unknown pandemic running amok through Trabia?

He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes again. He couldn't deal with this place. He couldn't handle being back here. This wasn't where he should be. He couldn't just go back to the life he had scraped together from the shattered point of his failure. And yet, he couldn't go back and ruin her life all over again. Fate had dealt him a hand that ruined everything for more people than just himself no matter which path he chose.

Ultimately the question came to him. _"What are you willing to let go of?"_

He sighed and kicked clumsily at the air, bumping his boot into the book that had tripped him previously. Grunting as if the collision was actually painful he reached over and picked it up. He squinted at the title _'Calling the Wind.'_ That wasn't any medical journal he had ever heard of. With fumbling fingers he flipped through the book's contents seeing fairytale like illustrations on each page. Vaguely he wondered why Elise had a children's book in her possession. He had no idea she ever read anything else but those monstrous medical volumes that easily weighed more than the X-ATM092.

The young man shook his head; his mind was wandering away from him. Tossing the book aside he decided against his better judgment that would have been with him with a lesser blood alcohol level to go and talk to Elise.

If he could only find use in his legs again to get him off the damn couch.

Squall moved into the room with the apprehension of facing an opponent. The air felt thick to his lungs and his mouth felt like it was full of cotton. If she was awake he had no idea what he could possibly say to her. If she was asleep, he should wake her if for nothing but to let her know that he was home. He knew he had hurt her, worried her sick in his absence and had no doubt driven her to the point of devastation when she discovered who he had been with all of this time. He owed her an explanation that he wasn't sure he could give her.

The room was dark save for the reading lamp on the nightstand beside the bed. Elise lay still and unmoving, her body giving out on her in exhaustion as she had tried to read the documents she now rested her head on. He stepped closer with his sluggish gait trying hard to find the right words to say to her in his muddled mind.

The headmaster took in her features and his guilt consumed him even more. She looked beyond the point of exhaustion. Hair splayed wild about her head, a stark contrast to her usual kept and tidy appearance. Her eyes were rimmed red and swollen with spent tears and fatigue. Her brow was furrowed and mouth pursed in a troubled but compulsory sleep.

And yet, she was still beautiful.

Unaware of himself he had begun to reach for her, moving towards her exposed thigh draped out of the blankets. He caught himself and stopped with a sudden jolt. What the hell was he doing? He had to pull it together.

He was just so… damn… empty.

Squall looked at her face again suddenly overwhelmed with a desire to take her right then. Just to fill the void that couldn't be filled and release the frustration and pain that he felt. She would let him he thought. It had happened before. After all, she loved him right? She wanted to marry him. After all her worrying she would be glad to see him back home. In his mind…it didn't have to be her. He felt the smooth skin beneath his fingertips as he ran them slowly up her leg.

"_Son of a bitch!" _He hissed as he suddenly came to his dulled senses.

What the hell did he think he was doing? This wasn't him! Those weren't his thoughts! Everything he'd ever been taught was slipping away from him again. When the alcohol took control it took away everything that made him who he was. It wasn't the first time he realized this, though right now it never seemed to hit him quite so hard. With careful and shaking hands he reached over and pulled the blankets back over Elise. She shifted slightly and muttered something in her sleep. He slowly ran his hand along her face as he whispered.

"_I am so sorry."_

Making his way out of the room he decided that it wasn't right to sleep next to her anymore. What he had done to her when he had left denied any forgiveness, his thoughts just now denied him any forgiveness. He didn't deserve forgiveness, not from her, not from Rinoa. He caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror in the hallway and frowned in disgust.

"_You're a monster."_

Squall flipped the lights off in the living area and made his way back to the couch where he kicked his boots off, haphazardly flinging them off into the darkness. He sighed as he lay back on the couch. The moon shone through the opposite window out among the clarity of a billion stars. It looked as though someone had cut it completely in half. It now remained the embittered half of a whole until the sun's rays would make it complete again.

He'd never realized that he shared anything in common with the moon. The remnants of his logical mind pondered the lunar cry that would inevitably happen in four days judging by the phase. And he felt now that the moon must have been exactly where he fell from writing and flailing with the rest of the monsters.

Those were his last thoughts as he fell into troubled sleep where the dreams that had slumbered peacefully in the recesses of his mind the night prior now plagued him with vengeance and the deafening roar of a thousand creatures falling from the moon.


	35. Open Up Your Eyes

_**Chapter Thirty-Five: Open Up Your Eyes **_

It remained abnormally quiet, considering the four inhabitants sitting in the room. Quistis and Laguna certainly weren't going to be the first ones to speak. That would only confirm the truth. Then again, neither of them was jumping in to deny Edea's statement, which was also probably just as telling.

The former sorceress remained seated, waiting for her husband to digest the information. She knew from past experience it was best to let him process the information in his mind. All her assumptions until now were based solely on personal feelings. Though with the growing stillness, and the overwhelming collective sense of uneasiness, it was no longer an assumption in her eyes.

Taking off his glasses, Cid rubbed the bridge of his nose. He made a sound that would almost pass as a small laugh, but everyone knew it was quite the opposite.

"Well, this is quite an interesting development," his words sounded empty.

He kept his head bowed, taking another second to compose himself. After placing his glasses back on, he looked up and slowly poured himself a glass of water. Everyone remained silent allowing the former headmaster to finish his drink. He finally made eye contact, looking suspiciously between Laguna and Quistis.

"And who pray-tell is responsible for this?"

"Um… that would be me," admitted Laguna.

He felt the overwhelming desire to raise his hand. Right now, he clearly recalled that feeling back in school when he was about to be severely reprimanded by the teacher. Here he was President of the most advanced civilization in the world, yet he felt like he was going to be staying after school and cleaning the erasers.

"Was this some council decision that I was not aware of? I know I've grown a little lax with my involvement since retirement."

"Cid, I'm sure-" Edea began but was immediately cut off by her husband.

"No, no… I want to hear this from the President, himself. How a decision affecting the entire free world might be made based on a whim. I know there has to be some underlying, _completely logical_, explanation. As purposely freeing a sorceress would break at least three of Esthar's signed treaties and numerous peace accords."

There was no right answer. Any words that the President could argue would be turned around and twisted into something they weren't. This was that scenario both Quistis and Laguna feared. His was the reaction that they had expected if their secret was ever uncovered. Cid Kramer was a relatively understanding and educated individual. If he was this upset by the news, the general populous would become nothing short of a bloodthirsty mob.

"Why the hell wasn't I informed?" Cid finally belted out in frustration after no reply was given to his previous statements.

Laguna Loire could respond many ways in many different situations. The one thing he did not appreciate was to be yelled at needlessly. He had enough of that as an enlisted man with the Galbadian army. He certainly didn't have to put up with this shit in his faux civilian life.

"Quite frankly Mr. Kramer, I don't see how the situation directly involves you. However, I do understand your concern."

The President stood his ground, both figuratively and literally rising from his chair. Laguna's words were spoken with the utmost directness, "The decision was based on the original word of Esthar. Our initial agreement, approved by all parties, was to keep Rinoa sealed until a time deemed safe. After Ultimecia's defeat, Garden and Esthar were broadsided with the news that the sealing was irreversible. Doctor Odine had not been entirely truthful with either side, as you may recall."

Laguna took a moment to gather his thoughts. He knew that this decision had been right, both morally and strategically; he just wanted others to perceive Rinoa the way he did – a young woman drawn into the tragedy only by happenstance.

"Cid, when Dr. Odine died, we discovered a lot of his research that he'd kept outside of official Estharian channels. The man was working on his own agenda, he always had been. To this day I have no idea what the hell that was, or do I even give a damn. He was never going to give his 'prized test subject' up; he wasn't the type of person to let his possessions go willingly. That man ruined so many lives… first Ellone, then Rinoa…"

Laguna's words started to trail and he found himself remembering the first time he saw Ellone through the laboratory's observation window. The child was a mere possession, an experiment, a lab rat that was as meaningful to Odine as the scalpel he used for dissecting his own perverse view of humanity. There was no denying what a sick bastard Odine had been, but bringing memories of the past wasn't going to help. They did not validate Laguna's choices concerning the present.

"… I relied on a few trusted colleagues. Those scientists began conducting their own experiments on reversing the sealing process. After nearly seven years of research, they found what we believed to be the only chance. It was all a huge calculated risk, but it was something I was willing to take. I had to take – it was a promise I had made to both Rinoa and Squall. For once my word could mean something to my son, even if he decides to never speak to me again."

"…Mr. Loire, it's your _word_ you're worried about? Do you realize the position you have now placed upon Squall? I think you should be less concerned about 'your word' and worry more about your son. You have potentially started a chain reaction that can never be reversed. This could, and most likely will, rip him apart. Having this sorceress around is something way beyond your scope of comprehension; it's a connection that is going to tear at the fabric of his soul. No matter what choice he makes from this day forward, his future will be damned."

Cid Kramer spoke unfazed by the President's earlier arguments. Laguna was an emotional leader and Cid feared this was entirely a personal decision, not a practical or logical one. Squall Leonhart may have been a trained warrior, but nothing could prepare him for the emotional battle waging way beyond known consciousness.

"Do you realize what you've done?" demanded Cid.

"Yes, I think I do – undone something that should have never happened in the first place. It's not our place to play god and decide who lives or dies. We have no right to pass judgment on Rinoa Heartilly; she was just an innocent girl caught in a war that nobody could have imagined."

"You're forgetting that 'girl' could single handedly destroy the free world."

"It's Rinoa, her name is Rinoa," Quistis finally spoke up.

It was extremely difficult for her to face her former mentor in this way. She respected both men sitting before her, and on one level or another, each had merit in their viewpoint. Still, Headmaster Kramer had only ever met Rinoa in passing; to him she was not necessary thought of as a living person, just a name and faceless figure – easily left a battered memory.

The headmistress continued addressing both Cid and Edea, though the former sorceress had not engaged in further conversation. "I'm sorry, but Laguna only did what he believed was right and I, for one, support his decision completely. Rinoa no longer poses a danger to the world. There have been measures for continued insurance. She keeps an Odine ring on her at all times, and she more than anyone understands the possibilities because of her freedom."

"Where is she now?"

Cid asked and then immediately placed his hand up silencing the answer. He didn't want the specifics. It was for the best. This was a question he knew was better left unanswered.

"No, no, never mind. I don't want to know. The less I know the better off for all those involved. I don't understand your timing. One week before his trial, his career, his future… you decide to lay this bombshell on Squall? Of course he is going to run off and see her, you know that all his problems are because he's-"

Cid stopped. There were some realities that had nothing to with the interference of Esthar. If they were to be exposed, it would be neither him nor Edea that would be responsible. If the bond between sorceress and knight was to be discovered, he would not want to be at fault. The connection was a both a blessing and a curse that the elder knight would not wish upon the young headmaster.

Quistis continued her role as mediator, "It wasn't either of our doing that he found out… that was just… very bad timing. If their meeting could have been avoided, we would have done everything in our power to stop it. It's just Squall took off with little word about where he was going, neither of us knew until it was too late."

"It was inevitable," Edea finally broke her self-imposed silence, "some storms cannot be stopped."

* * *

It was that state between sleep and conscious, when dreams and reality are impossible to define. If there had been a song playing on the radio, it would have carried into the bonds of her slumber. It was here that faint scent of his cologne drifted between two realms. One was a world where he was there - and the other – was the world laden in truth. Rinoa knew she was still within a dream, which possibly was the hardest reality to face. She fought with her own conscience to remain asleep. Because here in this dream, she felt needed, wanted. Not only needed by Squall, but she also felt wanted by a world that would never exist.

The sorceress knew, even in the midst of slumber, that this world would not last. Soon, just as everything else in her life had done, it would transform from a dream to nightmare. But for these few blissful seconds she would remain content in this world, even if it was only created in her mind.

Her dream was simple, as simple things always seemed the most difficult to obtain. Squall was there sitting beside her on a couch. She could not have told you where 'there' was - he was just there on a couch. The setting was of little consequence. She was also 'there' skimming through the pages of a book. He was concentrating on writing something in a notebook, although she could not make out the details. Again, those were the details that did not matter. Somehow, he must have sensed that she was watching him. He looked up, his eyes met hers, and he smiled.

_He smiled. _It was beautiful. He was beautiful.

She kept his gaze over the edge of her book, and then lowered it slightly. She couldn't help but return the smile he so freely offered her. It was just a simple moment. Everything in life seemed simple in her dreams. He moved closer and tenderly placed a kiss on her lips. Again, it was simple - not full of lust or passion, not full of need or want. Just a simple gesture to let her know he was near.

She was needed.

The fragrance of his cologne filtered into her senses. It etched a beautiful memory. She could still feel the taste of his lips lingering on hers.

"I love you," she softly whispered.

"I love you too," he replied without hesitation.

Her smile continued as he went back to his work and she returned to her reading.

And that was it. A dream of a life that was never meant to be. He would never say those words to her; there was a difference between love and guilt. She had never asked him to take on her pain, but he had accepted the burden without hesitation. That was the type of person he was; that was what made her fall in love with him eight years ago. Teenage fancies and adolescent whims had no place in her life, she had known the difference between love and desire, her summer with Seifer had taught her that much.

Still, when she was asleep, she could live another life - of thoughts and needs stolen from reality. In this plane she sat on a couch reading a nameless book, living a charlatan life with the fiancé of another woman. She felt such contentment in this realm she wished to live out her eternity within its comforting lies. She watched him; it remained a fascination just to watch the simple act of his chest rising and falling with each breath.

In the next moment, the dream took an unnatural turn; Rinoa felt a chilling sensation shroud her entire body. Looking downward, she noticed the book she had been holding seemed frozen to her hand. The sorceress looked back to him with shock. She noticed the pained and fearful look on his face. She wanted to reach out to him, but was unable to move from her ice-covered prison. She wanted to cry, but only managed a few salty tears before she woke.

This part felt familiar, a sense of déjà vu set within a dream.

The feeling of her own tears finally tore the young woman from her dream. Rinoa's eyes fought to find focus as the corners were still filled with traces of sleep. She could vividly recall the dream, but now she also vividly recalled the truth and sadness. He wasn't there in Winhill to comfort her any longer. It was only his scent that remained on the pillow.

A surprising realization dawned on her as she lay in bed - that had been the first time she dreamt of Squall Leonhart as anything but a teenager. It was a significance to which she had never made a connection, until this semiconscious state of being. In previous dreams, he was always his younger self. Even after she initially moved to Winhill, she dreamed the face of a teenager. She dreamed of their teenage lives. She dreamed she would find some normalcy - although she truly could not define that word.

Yet this time, in this dream, he wasn't that teenage boy. The figure in her dream was the man who she held close the night before. The one who had responsibilities that went far beyond taking care of a primary educated, co-owner of a flower shop. That _teenager_ of her previous dreams now ran one of the largest military academies in the world. He was engaged to a doctor - who loved him. A woman who saved him from the demons that she had helped to create.

The sorceress fought against both tears and pride, finally making her way to a sitting position. She looked outside to the nighttime sky realizing the day had already been swallowed by time. Still it wasn't too late, though she guessed it was well past midnight. She just had to find a way to follow through with her plan. The train had left Winhill that morning; another wouldn't arrive for several days. The village was extremely small. Exports and supplies only ran twice a week, there wasn't a huge demand.

The young woman stood up and went to a closet grabbing an oversized duffle bag. She quickly tossed her clothes into it, taking care to pack several sweaters. Finished with her clothing, she went to the nearby bathroom taking only the basic necessities for the trip. She caught sight of the shattered mirror and had to smile at its symbolism. She looked into where a reflection should be and could not see one; it was only fitting in this case.

Rinoa had to let out melancholy laugh at her life. Turning quickly back toward the bedroom, she was stopped immediately in her tracks. In the door way stood an awfully confused looking Esperanza. A huge wave of guilt swept over the sorceress. In all her planning she had forgotten about the one 'friend' that depended solely on her care.

The sorceress bent down, talking to the canine on her level. "I'm sorry girl. I know this seems sudden… and really it is. But mommy needs to go on a small trip."

The dog didn't react to the spoken words, not that Rinoa believed she would. The poor canine seemed to be just as confused as before, though her stub of a tail was trying its damndest to wag.

Rinoa let out deep sigh of remorse, she hadn't realized how attached to the dog she had become over the last months. "I know girl. I really do love you… You're the best friend I have in the world. You're always there for me and I'll never take that for granted."

She wiped the tears that were trailing their way down her face. She could only think of all the lives she had screwed up, now she was letting down yet another – even if it wasn't technically a person. It was still a life that she valued as greatly as her own.

"I… I just need to take care of a few things. I'm sure you can stay with Aunt Maude. I know you and Lucky are rather like um… birds of a feather? Anyway, I know how much you love to play with him, think of your stay there as camp."

Rinoa had to laugh out loud, it was the only emotion left at the moment. She remembered what she had written on Balamb's Garden Square years ago - when she had compared staying at Garden as 'kinda like being at camp.' That turned out to be as far from the truth as one could get, but back then, she just felt a closeness with her peers that she couldn't express. Even now, she could remember how Selphie pestered all of them to write in the computerized journal. Selphie always showed an indescribable enthusiasm towards even the simplest aspects of life. Every one of those times in Garden would always remain a cherished memory.

"All right," softly admitted Rinoa.

She wanted to remain truthful, even if it was just to Esperanza. "Honestly… I don't think it will be like camp. I don't know what it will be like there. I honestly don't know what is going to happen when I'm gone. But I know you'll have someone to play with. Someone who will look after you no matter what and that you'll be safe. I just want you to be safe Esperanza."

Rinoa reached over and hugged the dog lovingly, as she scratched the scruff of her neck.

"I'll even make sure that Maude doesn't' feed you any concoctions that she makes in the kitchen."

* * *

He had been in this nightmare before. He had witnessed this cataclysm countless times and would be damned from his memories for countless millennia. It was that part of the headmaster's mind that long held onto her final moments somberly. Rinoa's body was frigid within her captive prison. Odine's creation held her tight within unseen shackles, yet her body was still composed with an unknown grace.

Once again he stood in front of the tomb of metal and glass that promised to take her away from him again. He had fought so much harder this time to break through the prison to get to her. However this was inevitable... it was always inevitable. Squall felt his breath freeze in his lungs as he watched her there in the sealing chamber, the violent spasms of her uncontrollable shivering now subsiding as her body temperature continued to drop.

He tapped against the glass to get her attention; slowly she opened her eyes and gave him the same weak smile that haunted him every night for eight years. Placing his hand against the glass he accepted the pain once more. He had no control here; the dream would end with the same result. The tears returned to his eyes as he watched her place her hand on the other side of the glass against his own.

_I'm sorry... I'm so sorry."_

_"This... is... for... th... best."_

"_I'll find a way to get you out of here."_

The final words were coming that would tear fresh wounds into his scarred heart. He watched her blink slowly and take one more labored breath.

_"... I love... you__."_

And without hesitation, without any reserve or regret, this time for the first time, he told her clearly and forcefully the words of his heart.

"_I love you too."_

She had not heard him.

Her body already drifted off into lifeless slumber. Once again he traced the outline of her hand. Even in his dreams he always failed her. He heard the familiar sounds of his comrades taking out their anger, but he had drowned out the other needless details years ago. He recalled only the ones permanently entrenched in his sorrow. The crystalline tear was still frozen perfectly in place, the others not having the chance to fall from her eyes; he heard the morbid rhythm of the machines draining her life-force from this plane. And all he could do was stand there helplessly with his hand pressed against the glass.

He looked at her once more, taking in every detail that would remain soldered into his thoughts every time he closed his eyes. But tonight, this night, something _had_ changed. He was able to say the words that he was scared to admit even to himself, but in this dream he finally admitted them to her.

In eight years the nightmare was ruthless in its monotony. Tonight more than one thing seemed to have changed. He noticed something in her other hand, the one not placed firmly pressed against his, there was an object. He moved closer to examine what was in her hand. It appeared to be a book now solidified as one with her body. There was no title or details, just a simple manuscript fused with her for eternity. The realization began to overtake his senses; this had been so similar, yet so different. It almost felt as if…

He gasped as he shot up from the couch he had been sleeping on. The headmaster's body instantly regretted this action; the pain of numerous shots of alcohol hit him with the force of a Malboro's Bad Breath. The all too familiar feeing of queasiness took hold and he made his way back into a laying position. It didn't help the sensation ebb; it only kept him from losing his balance and using his head as a wrecking ball on the glass-topped coffee table.

Squall stared up at the ceiling trying to process the images that had flooded his mind just moments before. His vision began to blur and he rubbed his eyes wearily. He could still hear the faint sounds of Rinoa's words, the way her eyes had offered forgiveness as she whispered her feelings. How could she ever believe she loved a disaster like him? Every night when he recalled that moment he wanted to…

Another wave of nausea moved through his body as he remembered the words he had admitted in his dream.

"_I love you too."_

It was foreign and new, unwelcome yet comforting, it was every fear come to light with that simple reply. There were so many questions he had through the years, but somehow the answer was so much more bittersweet than he could ever imagine. He had to forget those words, both hers and his. It would only bring pain to so many people, and he had already hurt too many without trying. Those words were not fair to anybody especially…

"Elise?"

He managed out loud as he saw the blurred silhouette of somebody standing over him. His mouth was dry and his voice cracked as he spoke her name. He closed his eyes not wanting to see the pain he had caused. He would have offered up something more to her, but right now he had no explanation for anything in his life.

She wanted to ask, _"Who else would I be?"_ to see him fumble for a reply. But try as she might, she was glad to see that he was safe, or at least relatively so. She had been no stranger to his late night binges, though never after an extended absence. She worried about his will and the battles he was fighting with himself. He didn't need her spite; she knew the risks going into the relationship and took on each with purpose. However, it didn't make the pain any less.

"You're home."

Her response wasn't meant as much as statement as a question. She had partially given up believing he would return to Trabia, though another part knew he would have to face responsibility sometime, if nothing else than to divert suspicion of his disappearance. She would have liked to believe he was there solely for her, but she had given up that hope a long time ago.

"Got in late last night, I didn't want to wake you."

It was an excuse and both of them knew it. He had done this other times and had no problem staggering into bed with her. It was awkward; neither knew how to handle the situation, both were ignoring the truths ripping away at their conscious. Squall for feeling guilt – about not feeling as much guilt as he should. Elise for knowing about the bond between him and Rinoa and hoping that he would never discover the truth.

It was easier to ignore the demons eating away at their morality.

Opening his eyes he tried to focus on a nearby clock, it was still relatively early in the morning. It was several hours later in Esthar; he knew that in a few hours he would have to face – everybody.

He didn't give a damn anymore, he really didn't. Still he had to play along because that is what _she_ wanted him to do, at least that's how she acted. Rinoa didn't want him around. Hell, he didn't want to be around himself, but he couldn't escape from his own skin. Maybe they would all be better if that Blue Dragon had finished him off in the Training Center. This was now the meaning of his life – SeeD, Garden, being everything to everybody without being anyone to himself.

He knew that everyone here and his other friends had worked hard on his behalf. At least he would salvage that dignity. He cared for them, all of them, and he would be damned if he purposely let them down. Underneath it all, he still had pride.

"When do we leave for Esthar?"


	36. Where Silence has Lease

_**Chapter Thirty-Six: Where Silence has Lease **_

It was well before sunrise when Rinoa made her way through the streets of Winhill. She didn't see another living. Given the hour, it wasn't that she had expected to anyway. Her gaze traveled between the cobblestone beneath her feet and the daunting journey before her. While one was figurative and the other was literal, both seemed to embrace certain similarities.

The literal, of course, were the streets she walked and the current conditions of the roadways. The curbside was lined with trash and debris. The little village hadn't had time to sufficiently clean up from the storm's wrath. The figurative would be the challenge before her. The confusion of her emotional being paralleled the wreckage in a state of disarray.

Rinoa now began to second-guess every decision she ever made; unfortunately her latest choice was no exception. Would leaving Winhill be considered running from her present or running from her past? More importantly, could she honestly define the difference of the two? To her, there was no difference - two parallels that broke all known rules to intersect with contrast.

The world itself and everyone she had ever known had the ability to mourn — time had afforded that chance. She had never been given the opportunity. The memories that she still considered the recent present – the world would classify as mere history. She had not been given the time to mourn, to grieve, and to accept eight forgone years without closure. To her, Zone and Watts were still fighting for the independence of an occupied nation, Caraway was sitting behind a desk giving orders in his mansion, and a reunited orphaned family had just decided to return home.

It was their past, but it was very much her present.

She envied her friends from Garden. They could return home, even though many years of memories had been forgotten, they held the freedom to do so. She couldn't ever go home again. She had to shake off this pity; this is what she chose for herself. It was the price she paid for youthful pride.

As Rinoa neared Maude's house, she studied a few nearby buildings. Their shutters were drawn like some storybook lost in the void of time. Part of her just wished she could be satisfied within this tale, this book she was now writing of her life. She was content. She truly was… but she just needed the opportunity to mourn the past, _her past_. Her mind kept telling her that it was the key to finding the solace she so desired; though her heart seemed more inclined to mourn more recent losses, but her mind refused to mourn for him. He wasn't lost, he was found.

God, she hoped her mind was right.

If not, that would mean that she was leaving Winhill for another reason. Was she just trying to escape the memories of the time they recently spent together? Somehow, she thought that no matter where she went and how far she traveled, truly escaping her feelings for him would prove an impossible task. This only presented her one choice and her reason was just: she was finding closure from her past life. She had lived without him for over seventeen years, she had friends, relatives, and business left unfinished. Not everything was about him, this was about her. She'd be damned if she wouldn't force herself to believe in the lie. For now, at least.

The young woman looked down to her traveling companion for hope but Esperanza offered little encouragement, "I'm sure you'll enjoy staying at Aunt Maude's… I really don't think she'll mind. I hope not at least."

After reaching Maude's doorstep, she never hesitated to knock. This fact truthfully surprised her. For all her second-guessing only minutes before, she felt no uncertainty contained within the action. Maybe she had gone through the self-doubting phase on the way here and now just longed for human companionship in any form… even Maude.

After a few moments, the door opened with a jolt. Rinoa admired Maude's exuberance, how her carefree demeanor shone brightly, even while answering a door. In contrast, the sorceress lived in constant fear of who was on the other side. Maude always seemed to welcome company no matter the visitor, the nature of the call, or even the hour. A thought flashed through her mind. In that instant, she couldn't help but compare Selphie and Maude's outlook on life. In another life, those two could have been quite the duo. Maybe the pairs never meeting was the universe's way of equaling the cosmic balance of overly-optimistic personalities. That concept made her unconsciously smile; it was those types of errant memories that kept her bound to the past.

"Sorry, you just reminded me of someone for a moment," admitted Rinoa.

"Well whoever it is better be handsome, young, sexy thing."

On the other hand, Rinoa surmised, there were also some striking similarities between Maude and Irvine's unique thought process. She really didn't need, or want, to even go there. Rinoa realized how odd her erratic behavior must have appeared from Maude's perspective. She immediately felt guilty for the disruption, especially if she had been responsible for waking her.

"I'm terribly sorry if I woke you. I probably should've waited a little longer."

"Wake me? Of course not. I'd rather get up with the roosters than to sleep with the Chocobos."

"Huh?" Rinoa looked at her questionably; maybe she needed Selphie to translate that adage.

Maude dismissed the young woman's confusion with a gesture of her hand.

"Never mind, sweetie. I seriously doubt that you came all this way to discuss my sleeping habits. If so, you and I need to have a little heart to heart about your social life. So, you going to tell me what gets you up this early?"

Rinoa looked around for her reason – literally. Somewhere during the two humans' verbal exchange, the canine had wiggled her way into the house. Esperanza immediately found an overstuffed chair to proudly claim as her domain. At least Rinoa's fur-coated companion seemed to be fairing though this situation with relative ease.

Hopefully, Maude wouldn't ask too many questions about her sudden desire to escape Winhill. Rinoa had very little answers to offer, even to herself. The sorceress had to gather the courage to ask about Esperanza, because after she did, the journey would become real. Right now, saying goodbye to her old life was just an idealistic notion, a pipe dream, something that was truly illogical.

Would this decision really make the pain she suffered in her new life ease? Or was that too just a dream?

Maude however, was the first to break the silence, "Oh deary me, I completely forgot to offer you a cup of tea. I don't know where my mind is lately."

"No thank you. I just came to ask you a favor--"

"Psssh," Maude interrupted, "Now I'll have none of that at this moment. It's _way_ too early and I know you could use the caffeine… and I'm as sure as a Shumi that I need a dose of caffeine. Not to mention it's very impolite to refuse an offer from your hostess. I just finished brewing a pot of the finest Gysahl Green Tea this side of Deling."

"Gysahl Greens? Um… aren't they just used for Chocobo feed?"

"Well, that's just what the money-grubbing pharmaceutical lobbyists want you to believe. They don't want to let out the little secret that Gysahl Greens are today's modern medical wonder. I could list a hundred of uses for 'em. For me, personally, the tea helps with my arthritis and my gastric problems. And trust me, I need as much help with both of those things as possible."

The sorceress thought it best not to comment. There were many details about Maude McCay's life she didn't want, or ever need, to know. Right now, they were treading dangerously close into that unknown territory. Rinoa figured her safest bet would be to nod politely and just drink the damn tea.

With a sense of foreboding, the young woman chanced to look in the cup, feeling as if its contents would suddenly launch a surprise attack. Then again, after Maude's famed 'Caterchipillar Chowder,' she wasn't completely ruling out that notion. The tea didn't _look_ that dangerous, but she had been fooled by looks before.

"Don't knock it until you've tried it. Live life on the edge a little." Maude's words offered little comfort to her current mental dilemma.

The older woman made her way to the sofa, haphazardly tossing some periodicals on a table. She patted the seat beside her, trying to coax her guest into feeling a little more at ease. It was apparent that the young woman seemed troubled. Maude figured with all the recent events, _and recent male arrival,_ there had to be an important reason for her calling at this hour.

"Trust me Renee, just try the tea. There's also nothing better for calming the ol' nerves. Think about it - how many hypersensitive gassy hobbling Chocobos have you seen in the fields?"

Rinoa found herself smiling at the older woman's antics. God, Selphie would have loved her.

"Here's to something new," Rinoa toasted as she swallowed her fears _and _the first sips of tea.

To her surprise, it wasn't bad. In fact, it was quite tolerable. It actually reminded her of youthful tea parties shared with stuffed bears and miniature tea sets. The memories were almost welcoming in a world that had been cluttered in so much confusion as of late. Maybe Maude wasn't that crazy after all; maybe the Gysahl tea was a 'modern miracle.' Then again, maybe it was just too early in the morning for her brain to rationalize coherently – Rinoa figured that it was the latter.

"Grew, picked, and cured the leaves myself… Of course had to fight with Lucky, but don't worry, he gets his share."

"Really it's very good, surprisingly."

"_Surprisingly_," Maude questioned, raising a poignant glare.

"I mean… I mean… it's-"

The older woman laughed as if she were a giddy teenager, setting her cup on the table. "Child, you really need to loosen up. You've been hanging around that male companion of yours _way_ too long. Not that it's a bad thing of course. Speaking of which, where is he? I can always use something young and masculine to decorate the place."

"He's," Rinoa began softly before changing her demeanor. She unconsciously sat up, poised and proper. It was a response ingrained from the etiquette lessons and years with Caraway. "Squall was only in Winhill for business. Meeting up with him was only coincidental. Since his work here was complete, he returned home on yesterday's train."

"Well that's quite the shame," Maude answered earnestly, "and also a tad bit rehearsed, I'd say."

"Excuse me?"

"Hun, I may not look it, but I've been in your shoes once or twice… or five times. Well, you get the general picture. First of all, someone like _that_ doesn't usually have business in Winhill and if he did, you'd be damn straight the whole town would already known about it. Second of all, I don't believe in coincidences – especially ones of that magnitude. Lastly, returning 'home' could have more than one definition; it's just the one that you choose to define."

Rinoa knew that Maude had bested her on the subject. She also knew that she couldn't hide behind this façade any longer. It wasn't as if Maude knew everything, but Rinoa doubted she was able to mask her seemingly-irrational behavior from her senior.

"You know," Maude began, once again taking the pressure off the younger girl. "Everyone has to face their past at some point. If you don't want to talk about it, I completely understand. I just want you to know that there is someone here for you. Though I may not seem like the most likely candidate for the job, I may have a piece or two of advice. I'm guessing that Mr. Wonderful's sudden departure might have something to do with that favor you came here to ask?"

"Yes… and no." Here it was, now or never. Once it was said, it was real… she had come to accept that truth. "Maude, I wanted to know if you could take care of Esperanza for a little bit? I need to leave Winhill for a few…well, no, possibly for quite a while. I really can't give you a specific period of time... I'm not positive of the situation myself. But if watching her is a problem I can-"

"No, no, not at all, my couch is her couch. However, I do see a problem or two with this little venture you want to take."

"I'm sorry… What? Why?"

"For one, transportation… you know the next supply train doesn't arrive for a few days. I mean, you could always bike over the mountains, but something tells me that just isn't going to work. I'd offer you Lucky, but well, he's very moody and would probably go on strike. I wouldn't want to do that to him unless it was an emergency."

Maude smiled as she paused for another spot of tea, "And as far as I know Renee, you have no access to a vehicle or any other mode of transportation. Unless I'm completely wrong, you don't seem the type of girl who'd hotwire one. I'd say rent a car, but this is Winhill, and the only things we have for rent are a few rowboats with severe cases of dry rot. So this leaves us with one feasible option."

"_Us?"_

"Yeah _us_… Come on, you don't think that I could use a little break from this place? Seems to me that I have a working car, something you'll be needing for your little adventure. Plus it'll give me a chance to recapture my youth… you, me, the open road, and all the singles bars along the way. I see it as a win-win situation personally."

"Uh, I…"

"Wow, speechless at the possibilities, huh? Don't worry; we'll have Mr. Finnegan look after Esperanza and Lucky. The guy has the hots for me, and who knows? He could be husband number five if he plays his cards right. I'll just need a little time to get my affairs in order,"

Maude slyly winked to her company. Again, Rinoa found it best just not to question. She was still mentally taken aback by husband number five.

"So Renee dear, how 'bout we head out tomorrow morning at the crack of a Chocobos back? That'll give us time this afternoon to fix up any damage from the storm. Responsibilities you know… flowers amazingly don't seem to grow themselves these days. I'm figuring that you can wait 'til morning? Seems like the best offer you'll find around this place… unless again, you know how to hotwire."

"No, I don't," the sorceress answered flatly.

Rinoa closed her eyes trying to quell the uncertainty growing in her stomach. Sure, she was going to get her way – just like that spoiled adolescent image she tried greatly to combat. Yet, that was the problem: she wasn't that teenager anymore, though outwardly it appeared the opposite. Rinoa Heartilly was in her mid-twenties and her first instinct was to still run away from her problems on a whim. She never stopped to consider the consequences of her actions on others, not even Esperanza, or how she was going to obtain her goal. Her basic attitude: she wanted to go, so she would leave. End of story.

Could she really pull Maude away from Winhill and drag her to – well, into a situation far beyond the woman's comprehension? Was it honestly fair to her coworker? If caught, it would be aiding and abetting a sorceress after all. If Maude hadn't offered the car, would the sorceress have even stopped to consider that somewhat major flaw in her plan? Even if she did get a car herself, who was she kidding? When it came to things like 'driving' she honestly still was, by all accounts, an inexperienced teenager.

She scoffed at the idea of her trying to drive a car any great distance. Her vast experience consisted of Zone and Watts's futile attempts of teaching her to drive stick on the outskirts of Timber. This whole situation would almost appear humorous if it weren't so damn real.

The truth was that this time, her slip in logic showed her mental age, not her physical one.

* * *

Elise looked at him with uncertainty, his hollow expression and the listlessness of his eyes reminded her of when they first met. Her heart broke at all of the years of struggling to heal that he seemed to have lost, all in the span of 72 hours. Squall looked at her expectantly and she realized suddenly that he had asked her a question.

"What?"

"When do we leave for Esthar?"

He snapped more irritably than he meant to. His head was reeling in pain.

"Not for another three hours." she replied softly. The doctor could see his familiar agony quite clearly. A part of her, the part that was so angry and hurt by his actions, that part was tempted to allow him to wallow in it. But her compassion, her love for him and the knowledge she had acquired over his absence was stronger. There were words, angry words that pricked at the insides of her lips and pleaded to be set free. Elise pushed them to the back of her tongue and walked into the kitchen to get some aspirin for him, and perhaps for her as well.

Squall sighed helplessly. He couldn't find the words he needed to say to her, he was awash with so many layers of black. He knew there was nothing he could say that would ever redeem himself in her eyes. He wished he could feel more so that he could reach out to her and reclaim the trust she used to have in him, to earn her forgiveness. The reality though, was that he didn't want it.

He wanted her to hate him. It would be so much better for her if she would just hate him…banish him from her life forever. Not for his happiness, but for hers. The silver linings beneath his dark clouds that she had spent so long trying to find were not there. He would always carry his legacy of failure and he would continue to add page after page until his hands were cold and void of the damaged blood that coursed through his veins.

"Here," she said as she placed the aspirin in his hand and offered him a glass of water in the other.

He took the glass from her and chased the pills down his parched throat with the cooling liquid. It would never happen. Her compassion would override her hatred for him. Even after all of this, after all he had done, she still took care of him. It made him want to scream.

"Thank you." he said simply as he sat the glass on the coffee table. Their eyes met for a moment and he quickly turned away like a submissive dog. He didn't deserve her compassion, nor did he want her pity.

The soft lamp light accented the dark circles beneath his eyes and she silently wondered if he would be well enough to stand before council. Garden was the only stability he had left, however little it offered. If he lost that now too, would it break him completely?

Maybe…maybe he should know the truth. If she let go of her bitterness, her own selfish desire to be the one to make him complete, to fuel the fire of his soul and keep it burning. Her pride did not want to admit defeat to a memory before. Now that memory had become a reality. A knight and a sorceress once again together in this world

Once upon a time, she liked to believe that she offered him an anchor to this world, but he would always be adrift with her. She knew now the only anchor he could know was left behind in Winhill. Elise wondered what had transpired between them. As much as she hated to admit it, she knew he wasn't sitting in their living room because he chose to.

"Why are you here?" She hadn't meant to say it aloud.

He glanced at her questionably. "I still live here don't I?"

"Of course, but…"

"None of it matters Elise…If your detective work led you to call her, you know enough of what's happened. It's over. There's nothing else to say about it."

"Did she give you what you wanted?"

"What?"

"The forgiveness you've been seeking all of these years…did she give it to you?"

"Yes."

"Did it give you any peace of mind?"

"No." Squall shook his head.

The only peace he had found was when he held her close during the storm. He found peace in her laughter and the way she moved across the floor. Through the shattered remains of his soul, he had found peace in Winhill, for a brief time, resting his weary soul next to hers. He allowed himself to be swallowed by the dream, and it was ripped away from him just as it was before. The thought suddenly turned sour in his head and he lashed out at the only other person on the planet who loved him for who he was.

"Elise, why don't you cut all of the psycho-babble shit and go ahead and ask what you really want to know? Did anything happen between us? Did we rekindle a long lost love affair and screw each other's brains out until we were interrupted by your phone call? No, we didn't! Because if we…"

He didn't get a chance to finish before a hand fell hard across his face. His head lurched to the side as the slap she gave him echoed through the room.

"Shut up! God damn you Squall Leonhart! I was worried sick about you! I didn't know if you were alive, dead or passed out drunk in some back alley. Do you think I wanted to tear you apart from her again? Even after I found out, after I struggled to come to terms with all of this, what woman wouldn't wonder what her fiancé was doing with the woman he couldn't let go of for eight fucking years! I know damn well that I will never hold a candle to her, as hard as that is for me to accept! But they can and they will have you arrested if you don't show up to this trial. They will find out where you've been. You know well what they are capable of…and they will sweep through Winhill like a plague of locusts."

She stopped short of going into an emotional tirade and took a moment to compose herself before continuing. "She'll be in more danger than you can protect her from. Is that what you wanted me to let happen?"

Squall took a deep breath. He hadn't meant to lash out at her. As much as he was hurting, he knew that she didn't deserve any more pain than he had already caused her.

"Elise…"

"Don't…just don't." she sobbed, letting her emotional dam break. The doctor wiped furiously at the tears streaming down her cheeks. Elise was surprised she had any left to shed over him.

"I…I never meant to hurt you." he whispered.

"I know Squall. I know." She sighed. "Things have spiraled out of control for everyone."

The young woman attempted to regain control of herself but tensed suddenly as she felt his hand close around her own. She looked down at him; however, he did not return her eye contact. He simply stared at the floor and said nothing. He looked more lost than she had ever seen him.

Surely he had found some sort of forgiveness from Rinoa. She knew enough about the girl to know that she wouldn't leave this man to wander the earth for the rest of his life with the guilt he had chained to himself all those years ago. Especially since…they were…

"When was the last time you ate anything Squall?" she questioned him suddenly.

The thought of food made the nausea lurch forward from his stomach. But he showed no outward signs of disgust and merely shrugged his shoulders. The acidic bile creeping around in the back of his throat burned at his tongue before he managed to swallow it back down.

"Let me fix you something to eat."

'_No!'_ his body screamed. "Okay." The last thing he wanted was food but the routine normalcy was too tempting to ignore. He missed routine, it made him forget. It was the next best thing to alcohol.


End file.
